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I wonder if I ever had someone I could call my own. Yes, I am lucky enough to have a family, but why can't I share my inner turmoils with anyone? Why is it that none of the people from my family has ever been able to penetrate the darkness in my heart?
There was a girl i loved. I dreamt that this girl would give me that undefinable something I'd been missing all my life. But no. Instead, she pushed me into a world where everything was dark and sinister, and turned me into a monster. I realized that the only way I could survive was by sealing my heart, numbing it to every emotion. Seven long years passed. I thought I'd never feel again, and I wanted it that way.
And then she came. She was to everyone merely my employee. The first time I met her, I found her to be a curious mix of an impudent child and a bold woman. It was her innocence, her absolute fearlessness that first made me notice her. I never realized then, that my life was about to change, for ever..
There is love, simple and sweet. There is another kind of love, evil and all-consuming. And then there is a kind of love that encompasses every emotion, a love that completes you in every sense. Every time i looked at her, I felt a strange restlessness. A yearning that I'd never felt before, not even when I thought I loved Zeenat. I was amused by her childlike behavior when she was drowning in the pool and all of a sudden, I smiled. She hugged me for the first time when we were lost in the jungle. I felt myself surrendering to her subconsciously. Something stirs within me when she's close, something stronger and much more powerful than any power that I have ever possessed. From that day, I cannot erase her from my mind.
I tried so hard to brush my feelings aside. I even punished myself for having no control over my feelings. But her face, her smile, her pretty eyes, her sweet voice had etched itself into my mind. I can no longer count the times when I have watched her, wanting to capture her innocence and quiet strength and dedicate a few lines on her beauty.
She too seemed to be intrigued by me. She could read the pain in my eyes, even when i denied it.
Then came a phase when I felt betrayed by her. Even in this hatred, I didn't couldn't let go of her. I didn't want to. Because deep down, I knew that the reason for my hatred was jealousy. I couldn't bear her being close to any other man. My heart said that she only belonged to me.
I know I am deceiving her. I know I deserve to be in hell for my wickedness. I do not fear my death, nor do I fear what comes after.
But I fear losing her. I fear being taken away from her to a place from where I can no longer reach her, see her, smell her. I fear the moment when that tiny shred of light in my utter darkness shall be ripped from me. This fear, this peculiar fear, it tears at me. And I despise it.
Yet, I love her.
When I close my eyes, I realize that it had been her all along. That one undefinable feeling I'd been searching for all my life, it was her! I crave the emotions that she has awakened inside of me. The way she looks at me, the way she touches me, her gentle caring smile and the way she comes to my aid without hesitation. I crave for her love. I need her to bring me out of this darkness.
I know what love is. I know that it gives only pain. Yet I can't stop myself from loving her all the more. She has become my destiny, my life and above all - my soul-mate.
There was a girl i loved. I dreamt that this girl would give me that undefinable something I'd been missing all my life. But no. Instead, she pushed me into a world where everything was dark and sinister, and turned me into a monster. I realized that the only way I could survive was by sealing my heart, numbing it to every emotion. Seven long years passed. I thought I'd never feel again, and I wanted it that way.
And then she came. She was to everyone merely my employee. The first time I met her, I found her to be a curious mix of an impudent child and a bold woman. It was her innocence, her absolute fearlessness that first made me notice her. I never realized then, that my life was about to change, for ever..
There is love, simple and sweet. There is another kind of love, evil and all-consuming. And then there is a kind of love that encompasses every emotion, a love that completes you in every sense. Every time i looked at her, I felt a strange restlessness. A yearning that I'd never felt before, not even when I thought I loved Zeenat. I was amused by her childlike behavior when she was drowning in the pool and all of a sudden, I smiled. She hugged me for the first time when we were lost in the jungle. I felt myself surrendering to her subconsciously. Something stirs within me when she's close, something stronger and much more powerful than any power that I have ever possessed. From that day, I cannot erase her from my mind.
I tried so hard to brush my feelings aside. I even punished myself for having no control over my feelings. But her face, her smile, her pretty eyes, her sweet voice had etched itself into my mind. I can no longer count the times when I have watched her, wanting to capture her innocence and quiet strength and dedicate a few lines on her beauty.
She too seemed to be intrigued by me. She could read the pain in my eyes, even when i denied it.
Then came a phase when I felt betrayed by her. Even in this hatred, I didn't couldn't let go of her. I didn't want to. Because deep down, I knew that the reason for my hatred was jealousy. I couldn't bear her being close to any other man. My heart said that she only belonged to me.
I know I am deceiving her. I know I deserve to be in hell for my wickedness. I do not fear my death, nor do I fear what comes after.
But I fear losing her. I fear being taken away from her to a place from where I can no longer reach her, see her, smell her. I fear the moment when that tiny shred of light in my utter darkness shall be ripped from me. This fear, this peculiar fear, it tears at me. And I despise it.
Yet, I love her.
When I close my eyes, I realize that it had been her all along. That one undefinable feeling I'd been searching for all my life, it was her! I crave the emotions that she has awakened inside of me. The way she looks at me, the way she touches me, her gentle caring smile and the way she comes to my aid without hesitation. I crave for her love. I need her to bring me out of this darkness.
I know what love is. I know that it gives only pain. Yet I can't stop myself from loving her all the more. She has become my destiny, my life and above all - my soul-mate.
Indian Mythology
