HKA (2) *Thread 3 link Pg 1/150 - Page 86

Maan

Writing to you is a bit difficult for I am quite in a fix as to what I should write and what I shouldn't.

In school we were taught to write letters like letters to siblings living in hostel, letter to the principal asking for leave. In fact, we were even taught to write letters to Municipal departments. If only, we would have also been taught the technicalities of writing final good bye letters to one and a half month old husbands, it would have been so good.

I was half the mind of leaving you without informing but then I thought that way I would be too easily forgotten. And somehow the thought didn't sit well with my ego.

Even if it was just for a month, but we did stay together and so I think you should also possess a memento, a remembrance of sorts that will always remind you of me.

And anyway, when a person has too much time in his hands, he is either lost in thoughts, or fiddling with a pen and paper.

Once, I had touched your things without your permission and had been scolded for it that's why I'm clearing it now only that I have taken only a pen and paper and rest of your things are as it is. Have neither touched nor read' anything. So be rest assured your secrets are safe for now.

Or who knows... maybe they are not. Not anymore...

Maybe, without reading also, I came to know about a lot of things...

Today morning you'd asked me, if you had done anything wrong.

Wrong or right, I don't think I am qualified enough to answer that.

Yeah but one thing that the night revealed to me, and I'm grateful for it, is the fact that you like someone else and like, would be a very mild word here, I think.

I know, the revelation shouldn't affect me but since it is affecting me and since I am not someone who keeps things inside, I'm going to be upfront here and tell you what and how I feel about it.

I had a very high opinion of you Maan. Didn't know you'd be capable of such cruelty.

You know, it is a little easier to understand extroverts, they are verbal about their feelings, and you can guess their intentions, their feelings through their words and body language.

However when it comes to reserved people, understanding them is quite difficult. You might not have realized but I used to hang on every little word, every little gesture of yours. I would sit and spend my time, dissecting, analyzing each of those gestures, words, thinking why you said so, why you did what you did, what must be going through your mind when you did or said so. It was not at all easy, I'm telling you.

You were rude with me during the first few days of our marriage. It was only when few days passed that you changed your attitude towards me. And now I wish, it would have been better if you hadn't. I wouldn't have hoped, then.

What were you doing sweeping me off my feet with your words and care Maan, while having someone else in your heart?

I would advise you to be careful with your words from next time. For the thing is that you don't speak much. And when you do, good or bad, the words find their aim right through ones heart.

And today morning was limits. Pleating my sari, you were!!! How misleading your actions are Maan. Like seriously? Had I not known the truth I would have thought you were interested in this relationship.

I at least out of all the people deserved to know the truth!

You had asked me why didn't want to take your help. I think that's the reason. I subconsciously knew that your heart was not in this relationship. And I have no desire to sit on your head like an unwanted burden. In order to pay the debts of my parents, I reached here. I think debt of one more person on me would have been too much.

You are a nice person and responsible too maybe that's why you are trying to work out this relationship but I am already compromising on a lot of things. At least, I deserve a husband who belongs solely to me. And then there are things at which you can't force yourself. And its better not to.

I wish you'd been a little more nicer and had told me the real reason earlier only.

But then it is impractical to expect such level of goodness from mortal beings like you and I. And I think I happened to expect too much from, didn't I?

It wasn't just your fault. Many of here were at wrong and since each one of them were among my loved ones, it hurt more I guess. It reminds me of a couplet, I'm sure you must have heard it.

Hamein toh apnon ne loota gairon mein kahna dum tha

I was robbed by own people, strangers didn't have the guts to

Ki hamari kashti vahan doobi jahan pani kam tha

That my boat sank... where the waters were shallow.

What did you think that only you know sher o shayri? Huh?

I gave it a lot of thinking, you know, as to why I agreed to this marriage. Yeah, I had my reasons. I didn't want to be a burden on my parents anymore. But still, there was a part of me that had agreed on its own. I think, I might have put up a stronger resistance, would have been more averse to the idea had it been someone else in your place.

What makes you special, you think? Well, since you were forever away from home, perhaps for you I might have never existed. But for me, you have existed ever since Tara Di and Jiju's marriage. We might not have met, but I had heard a lot of stories about you. From Di, from Jiju. When I used to visit Di, Dadimaa would make me sit by her and would only talk about you. So I guess somewhere I got fascinated by the idea of you. And then Di was also here, so marrying in this household seemed like a convenient setting. And then when you came to see me I found that you weren't bad looking either. Perhaps I developed a crush on you. It happens in this age especially when you have been cooped up in your house for months and dur dur tak there's no source of nayan sukh prapti. But the thing about crush is that it gets crushed easily. Two three rude words from your crush and tadaa you're cured of it. And then there was also the fact that I had a very low opinion of myself, and when you agreed to the alliance, I was flattered. I know, I know, this is really embarrassing. There's nothing more embarrassing than an inferiority complex.

So I think some of the fault is mine as well.

You will be wondering why I am telling you all these things, now.

Perhaps, because, I want to take it out of my system, or maybe I am just clearing my head once and for all.

A new beginning requires that, doesn't it?

Any way leave all these things, let's come to the main point, I am leaving and I don't think I am coming back.

I have always believed that a marriage should be the consequence of love and not the other way round. Too bad, our families don't think the same way. But I guess, it will be better if we go our separate ways.

Also, I think I am too young to play the vamp. To usurp some other innocent woman's place in your life, to stand in the way of your happiness, I am not that kind of person.

I am freeing you from all my responsibilities.

Plus, you aren't the kind of man I wanted as a husband so it will be a good riddance.

I mean you are too boring for my taste. You go to office, return from office, watch prime time news while having dinner and then go off to sleep. If someone tries to talk to you, your contribution to the conversation is an occasional hmm-haan. Not my type, at all.

Moreover, it would stroke my ego, that I was the one who did the sacrifice and became the greater person. All this talk is giving me the Ajay Devgan of Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, kind of feeling. Have you watched the movie? The similarities are quite striking. First meeting in a marriage, love at first sight, arranged marriage, the spouse interested in someone else. At least, in my case, there are no feelings involved. Makes the job easier. Forgive me, Ayush had come in the morning and he mentioned the film and since then it has stuck with me.

Don't worry about Di and Jiju. Their bond is stronger than it appears so our relationship status would not affect theirs. And I am hoping our families would understand.

The separation was inevitable, we both know. Forced relationships hardly work, anyway. And since our stay together was a very short one, our separation should not cause any grief to us.

I wish we had met at some other time, some other place and in some other situation. Perhaps, we would have become friends.

Being enemies also, wouldn't have been a bad option. I confess it was fun arguing with you.

I hope you will unite with the woman with whom your heart lies. If my presence had caused any kind of problems between you too or if there are other reasons that have caused misunderstandings I hope you will solve it anyhow. If life offers us a chance to meet again, (and I am sure it would for even if we do not remain husband and wife, we would always continue to be relatives) then I would like to meet your lady love. Call it my curiosity or anything else I am very eager to meet the person who has reduced you to such condition and who has the patience and courage to get involved with a high maintenance man like you.

And don't feel guilty thinking about me. I would like to think there are greater things waiting ahead for me.

Last night, I was very perturbed by all these revelations but then I remember something.

Have you ever noticed winter mornings? Mostly foggy mornings, those are.

When you look out of the window, you can't see anything clearly. But once you step out of the doors, the paths that have been hidden from your view, they ultimately open as you keep walking.

Similarly, I believe though I am unable to see a clear picture of my future right know, I believe paths would open up once I start. It is futile to keep thinking and guessing what future has store for me. Things do not usually happen according to our liking.

One step at a time, I'm going to take.

How long is Babaji going to keep His face turned away from me? I'm sure my persistence would one day, force him to open the doors for me, open hidden paths for me.

So that's it, my bak, bak, bak, ends here. Since it was the last bak bak, got too long.

I'll be signing off now.

With regards,

Aapki,

Dedh mahine ki biwi

(One and a half month old wife)

PS- I hope you'll remember not to drive in the rains.

PPS- writing dramatic letters like this are quite fun. Do try writing one sometime.