The Seven Year 'Hitch' [2] - Chp 11/ Pg 53 - Page 36

Nature is so marvellous when you watch it through a calm mind. It leaves you awestruck with all the revelations it brings forth; only if you have time to ponder, analyse and live it all. I wonder is my thinking such, or is it that, nature by itself conspires to reveal itself, while I just watch it pass by. I won't ever be able to answer this question, and somewhere I just don't want to.

Sitting in the car, watching scene after scene pass by me, I lose track of time as I stare at the sky filled with wind whipped clouds. Clouds have always fascinated me, the inherent nature of being ductile and malleable makes me want to decipher their shape and imagine them as something very animate. True, I can't mould them or reach out to them yet they seem to form boundaries taking a desired form in accordance to my perception. Sometimes they seem as flock of birds flying together while at times they appear just big distorted dots. Sometimes as blooming flowers, that soon wither. At times as fluffy wool while sometimes as number of vehicles moving in perfect harmony. There are times I visualise them as a medium carrying thousands of dreams and prayers within them to reach the Almighty, which later burst out as rain drops pouring and delivering answers to all awaiting respite and peace. These clouds are full of life and sometimes their whole form is dull and heavy.

I know all of these wandering thoughts seem very strange, but somewhere I can relate myself to these clouds. I am quite similar to this sky filled with wind whipped clouds, but at the same time very different to them. Like them I have been moving in life achieving success at each step, never one to stand still and look back. I have lived and have been living different roles in life to the best of my abilities, that's what I think and feel. Though now it does not seem the best, but yes I have always felt I have given my best to each of my relations. Yet today I feel I have nothing to hold onto, even when there are so many reasons and relations in life I need to be happy about. I'm unable to feel and live that perceived happiness due to my lacking in my most loved relation which forms the basis of all other relations. In these aspects I differ from the clouds. Unlike them I'm unable to pour myself completely to my beloved, failing to achieve that ultimate oneness that I need to make her feel. I have always remained in my own comfort zone expecting Mishty to take the efforts in understanding my silence, actions, gestures and behaviour without even helping her out in this effort of hers, for us. I have never easily moulded myself for her but unknowingly and unconsciously driven her to mould her entire being as per my personality in order to be in sync with each other.

If I consider myself as the sky filled with clouds, then Geet to me is the deep blue sea. Like the waves of the sea, she has streaks and depth to her personality; full of love, care and patience along with a different sort of mysteriousness that I had, have and will have to unravel each time; adding that spark and uniqueness in our relation. It's said that the colour of the sky is the reflection of the water below, and indeed Geet has filled all the colours in my life. Then what should I make of her statement that she doesn't know the person I am, it's as if she strips me off of all colours leaving me all white. Like the waves she has always engulfed me within her so effortlessly by her total submission to me and acceptance of me as her soul mate. Most of the times she is bubbling and flowing with laughter and life, but for the last few weeks she appears to be the still water that runs deep. The week gone by has made me realise that her depth speaks of all that I have made her live through and bear in the past months, which she has buried deep within her, with me being blissfully unaware of it all, turning a blind eye to it.

To the world we seem a picture perfect couple, our bond similar to that of the horizon highlighted with shades of soft lilac, pink, white and orange-red afterglow, symbolic to the merging sky and sea at the horizon, with union and togetherness at all times. But its only we both who now know that it's all a pseudo appearance. Our drifting apart has made us aware of our failures that have made the horizon look not like a soothing merger, but like a glaring separating hazy line.

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I'm taken back to that party we attended some days back. Throughout the party we remained in our own different circle of friends or clients. But now as I think about it, I did notice her looking towards me with longing and something more reflecting in her eyes, a strong feeling of disappointment coming from her each time she watched any couple on the dance floor or the ones around us, when she saw them stealing glances at each other, embracing or holding onto each other as if they were separated or away for years. But there were times when her being reflected pain and fear as she would look at few old couples who were dining together. I had felt her detachment then but brushed it off as her being upset for all that has transpired. Now as I reflect on it, I think Geet didn't want us to end up like the second group of couples. She feared we were heading towards the life of those couples who were so accustomed to each other's routine like a well recited poem, well aware of the punctuations and the pauses, aware of the likes, dislikes and preferences. They know that the other doesn't like extra butter on toast, would like their egg double fried, want their bread cut diagonal; or that they have allergy with mushrooms, can't bear the smell of a particular perfume; who behave and appear to be in sync and thoroughly in love but in actuality are strangers emotionally; who tend to live and believe that the enjoyment of each other's company is more effort than it is worth. She feared that we are heading there even with the love between us as she couldn't feel and live that love. I realise that may be she didn't want me to be hurt seeing the fear and ache reflecting from her. And so she preferred to spend some days away from me, till she could mask that hurt with that dead smile, like all those months when I was oblivious to it all, unaware of the extent of damage done. But now that's not going to happen as I have noticed it all and can't see her like this, can't see us drifting apart.

Today as I ponder on all that has transpired in the last two weeks, I wish and want all of it to return to the way it was, only this time not as a pseudo picture whose image can anytime be tarnished but a true picture perfect between us that even with our imperfections we'll be able to fill in the gaps, to keep moving towards that perfection.

I have taken efforts, undergone some changes she wanted and desired in me during her absence but not so sure of it all. Anyways, how I'm to show it to her when she isn't around me?

Unity in a relation comes from total acceptance without need for change. This is what I have believed. But now I feel she wants me to change. Or does she not?? Can someone like me change now and is changing the solution to this problem? If I change then I'm not the one she fell in love with, but conversely she tells me I have changed. Is it so? But I don't feel any drastic change in me than the one who loved her and still loves her. What change was she talking about? Will I ever be able to reach somewhere concrete with all of this or keep going tangent?

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While in thoughts, I gaze outside and realise that I'm nearing my destination. I'm a mile away from the farmhouse. Pushing my thoughts aside I look ahead wanting to reach soon. I'm so excited to meet and spend time with my family, embrace them, feel their warmth and love. It seems ages that I've seen them. Kids, Oh my! I so want to see their expressions when I meet them now. I want to be a part of their games, enjoy their fights and listen to all their wants and complain. I want to feel Daadi's constant motherly love and concern, Dad's strong presence and comfort, the brotherly feel and be a part of all the sweet moments, the ups-downs of a family. Why do these few minutes seem like an eternity?

As the car drives in through the gates I feel a strange nervousness within me, but I'm glad to have finally arrived. Getting down from the car I tell the driver to place the entire luggage inside the mansion with the help of the other workers while I move inside the house with the packet clutched close to me.

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Entering in I expect everyone to be surprised by my arrival, but to my own surprise I find none around sparing few servants. They acknowledge my presence and come ahead to welcome me. I'm once again filled with fear of loneliness, of being left all alone to fend for my own happiness. On inquiring I come to know that there's no one at home, except Geet. They are about to go call her but I stop them telling I will manage.

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Starting my quest for my Mishty, I wander through familiar corridors. What's she doing alone at home? Why didn't she join the others? I'm experiencing an odd feeling bubbling within, anticipating her reaction to my sudden, uninformed arrival. Deeply immersed in thoughts I wonder where she is. She isn't in her room, not even in the kitchen. Must be she's on the terrace. As I'm about to take the right turn towards the terrace something, some sound catches my attention coming from the other direction. Changing my course I start walking towards my left, curious to know what sound it is. As I keep moving I can hear faint music, a soft melody, more like someone humming which grows louder with each step. There's only Geet who is at home, right? Then is it her at that end of the corridor? Throughout the journey I was so excited to come meet her and now when she's just a few steps away I feel so nervous and scared of what's awaiting me at the other end of this corridor.

Soon I'm in front of a partially shut door and the music seems much clearer. If I'm not mistaken then it is some instrumental music. This room is the one that was transformed into a mini ballroom when Mom-Dad moved here a few years back. Both loved dancing and this place was used for all occasions. Curious to know, I peep in and scan through to see if Geet is here. I can't seem to see anyone, so decide to move in and turn off the music.

As soon as I take my first step in, I see a movement from the corner of my eye. Turning towards it, I'm rooted at my spot by the beauty there. It's Mishty dancing. Dancing! When did she start dancing again? As far as I know it's been quite a long time since she had put a hold to her dancing. Seeing her clean and precise steps it seems that she has been practicing since quite a many days, as if she hasn't lost her touch and charm. She appears to be an enchantress, a beauty. Clad in a black vest, over which she has worn a loose fitting purple top and paired it with black leggings; her hair tied in a tight bun, face devoid of any make-up and without any ornaments her look is complete, as its just plain her, gliding around the room as a free flowing river swaying to the music. I'm reminded of the Black Swan, she looks like her but much more beautiful with no flaws at all. I've always loved seeing her dance. The way she's expressive in her dance, as if her soul is talking through each of her steps. I'm still at the entrance, she's at one end of the room from where I can see her but I guess she can't, she's unaware of my presence so blissfully lost in her dance.

I'm admiring her from a distance not wanting to make my presence felt as I want to absorb all of her, so uninhibited and unrestrained. Seeing her dance casts a spell on me, it always has. From her steps I decipher it's her favourite form – contemporary and ballet. Her dancing around so freely, gracefully and being so oblivious to everything around soothes me deep down. I can keep watching her like this for eternity, the way her hands become so animate and expressive, and her feet barely touching the floor with her toes and whole torso gliding and curving with the beats, speaking of her inner power.

The humming music is decelerating in tempo and being in sync with it she too slows down, bringing a culmination to her act. Wanting to go surprise her and hug her tight, I move ahead towards her. I have hardly taken two steps when I hear the beats again. It's the similar to the one as before; I guess she's put it on repeat. But now I can't wait to meet her so move towards the music system to pause it but then I see she's preparing herself for the dance. I have a strange feeling that I shouldn't stop her now. Looking at her, I can feel her whole self tensed up, as if she's wanting some sort of expression, wants to break free, her eyes are shut tight.

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Something within tells me that this dance is needed for her and me as well. She opens her eyes and I hide behind a pillar to watch her. Her face reflects calm, as if she knows what she wants to express.

Music Selection - Dreams on fire (Please listen to it while reading , to get the feel of the following scene..)

I see her taking her ballerina posture; she twirls one round and then many more ... later coming to a halt ... Her hands gliding down her form, she moves her finger as if beckoning all elements around her ... Slowly gliding her hands towards her left space and then with both her hands placing them in various postures, as though sculpting a human form out of nothingness. Her long fingers are in sync with her gliding body and toes that are moving in and around that given space shaping that form in front, 3-dimensionally. It all appears magical ... mysteriously creating a form, breathing life and colour into something lifeless; yet all of it inconspicuous and hidden to the eye.

Bending on her right knee she slides down in a sleeping position.

You Are My Waking Dream.
You're All That's Real To Me.
You Are The Magic In The World I See.

You Are In The Prayer I Sing.
You Brought Me To My Knees.
You Are The Faith That Made Me Believe.

She lifts self up, arching her back balancing on her palms and toes ... twisting self on her left side, raising her right leg and outstretching her right hand in front of the imaginary sculpted form ... Crossing her right leg over, she sits down facing that space crossing her arms over her torso and head bowed down... Her hands moving across her lips and fingers as if playing a harp ... gracefully going over her knees uncrossing her ankles increasing her base, raising her head in reverence ... moving her right leg in mid air, left hand outstretching with fingers pointing out, right palm across her heart.

Dreams On Fire. Higher And Higher.
Passion Burning Bright On The Pyre.

Once For, Forever Yours, Give Me All Your Heart.
Dreams On Fire. Higher And Higher.

Placing the right foot down, twisting body to the right, stretching the left leg, hands crossing over in butterfly posture, rising up ... Gliding the torso, swaying on both feet, hands criss-crossing, caressing all over, letting loose ... quick turning, arching both arms in a semi hug embracing the space ... detaching, sliding right foot away and joining with the left, hands crossed at the centre of the chest in tight fist ... Swaying with both arms spreading out and ascending up, wrists moving in circles till back of palms meeting at the centre, while both feet rising up till just on toes.

Swaying ... gliding each arm gently down and resting on feet.

You Are My Ocean Waves.
You Are My Thought Each Day.
You Are The Laughter From Childhood Games.
You Are The Spark Of Dawn.
You Are Where I Belong.
You Are The Ache I Feel In Every Song.

Gliding and sliding left-right, bending at knees, arching back, and palms touching the floor ... Right leg raising high up, moving it in an arc ... Half-sitting with right ankle crossing and resting over left bend knee, both hands cupping face, bordering the lips into a smile ... Uncrossing legs and hugging them close to torso, hands and arms crossing over spreading out, head held high ...Right arm outstretched with hand twisting at the wrist, fingers pointing to the space ... kneeling, swaying, moving neck to left, left palm crossed over the heart, right palm and fingers playing the harp.

Dreams On Fire. Higher And Higher.
Passions Burning Bright On The Pyre.

Once For, Forever Yours.
Give Me All Your Heart.
Dreams On Fire. Higher And Higher.

Rising up, swaying, feet flat, crossing hands at the wrist on the middle, palms in flower posture raising high up over head ... Swaying torso, palms covering face, bending torso forward with feet rooted on spot, hands outstretched towards the front, fingers beckoning ... Coming back ... Rising on tip toes, leaping forward, arching both arms in a semi hug embracing the space ... Detaching, sliding right foot away and joining with the left, hands crossed at the centre of the chest in tight fist ... Swaying with both arms spreading out and ascending up, wrists moving in circles till back of palms meeting at the centre, while both feet rising up till just on toes.

Twirling all around on tip toes and hands gliding in and out ... Pirouetting (ballerina twirling) in and out, in concentric circles around the space, adoring and revering the form.

...

I'm at loss of words. My throat seems parched. That form at the left is me. It's me, Me! Mishty is dancing for me. I'm in a trance, with a numbness spread all over.

I was thinking on lines of sky and sea, while here she has submitted herself wholly to me. I'm her everything. All elements of nature carry my reflection for her.

I'm all her dreams, each one of them she has woven from her childhood, her smile and laughter. I'm the one with whom she can be herself, the one who explores and makes her know her passionate side. It's me in all her prayers. Her thoughts are just full of me.

She seeks me in everything and considers me the music of her life. I'm the basis of her trust; I'm her strength and her weakness. She empowers me with the right to cause that ache within her longing for me.

I'm to whom she belongs, she's just mine. In return of all this, for all of her submission and acceptance, she just wants me. Just me, all of me, my open heart.

I'm moving towards her as if in semi trance. How can someone love so selflessly? All my theories and thoughts come to a halt in presence of her simple wants and pure self. I can see her twirl unaware of everything around, she's dancing so freely, pouring out all her emotions so beautifully. I can't see anything, but her. The melody from the song is still there but my entire focus is on the love of my life, dancing in her world.

As she is twirling I go and stand in her path and she collides in me, with a small yelp she falls on me. I'm pushed back with the sudden force but I balance us both, cocooning her deep within my arms.

Few moments pass by with none of us moving, absorbing each moment of this togetherness. Her eyes are shut, face sweating and her breathing hard; her body is completely resting on me. As she feels me, she embraces me tight, feeling my back, nuzzling her face in my chest. Her lips parted, taking in gulps of air, her breaths caressing my chest. I can't take it anymore without looking at her face, so I make her face me by lifting her chin. I'm just staring at her, absorbing each of her features to my heart's content.

Slowly she raises her head up and opens her eyes. We both are staring at each other and the world stops. Her eyes are dazed; she appears to be in a dream like state. It's been so long that I've read her eyes, there's so much of emotions swirling in her eyes, there are tears brimming on her lashes. I want to wipe off all of her fears, kiss and heal all of her aches, be that soothing music of her soul.

She moves closer, almost tangling herself with me. I too pull her closer, as if possible, wrapping my arms around her waist. She cups my face with both her palms and smiles at me with all her love. Seeing her smile that warm smile, happiness seeps within me and I return her smile.

Her lips part, "Maan, I love you so much ..." Oh my dear lord! I want this moment to stop right here. It's as if my life has returned to me. We both hug each other tight; it's as if I'm home. I don't want to let go. I want to remain here in this period of time forever, not wanting to part from my life, fearing loss of the warmth of my beloved.

It seems eternity as we part from each other but still in each other's arms. It's as though we have got our ultimate solace here in our shared warmth. I lean ahead, touching my forehead with hers, my eyes shut, breathing shallow. "I love you too Geet, ... I really do ... " I then place a deep peck on her forehead. She sighs contently. I peck her both eyelids, followed by her cheeks which are by now crimson. I want more of her now. I gaze towards her lips and then back to her eyes. She lowers her eyes. And I'm overwhelmed with her submission. Leaning ahead I place my lips on her soft pink petals. And the world seems right!

I feel so complete. All lines erased and it's just us. Merging ourselves and engulfing the horizon. Or is it?

For now I want to push all my thoughts away and be filled just with Mishty.

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Song From : Slumdog Miilionaire.

Thanks for all who have waited... and given continuous support 🤗