I stood there looking at him walking away. It felt as though my life was slipping away from me every moment. I had loved him but could never tell him how much I did. I could never explain to him when I fell in love with him or when he had become an inseparable part of my life. I had done all to run away from him, I had taken every step to leave him behind. I had even run away from my life just to remove the essence of what I felt for him. But it was of no use. I always had him with me, as a memory he lingered in me, as a smell that would never leave me as a light that showed me the path towards happiness.
I lost him not once but thousand times over when I saw him lying there motionless. He couldn't be '.
Oh yes it can be possible. He just loves galling me for no apparent reason.
I slowly walked up to him and whispered," You better get up or u can sleep on the ground forever. No bed for you from tonight," and I turned to look at the rest of my family who were silently shedding tears.
I looked up and smiled and told them about the pranks he played on me and this was just one of them.
There was a void in me that no one could fill. It was not the physical distance that killed me each and every second away from him but it was the emotional binding that I missed day in and day out. It was all so quick. One second he stood right next time cajoling me to come back and the next instant all I knew that I was I alone, alone once again in this life. I had learnt to fall in love after ages coz I was scared to fall in love. I had lost so much and so many things that I feared to love someone again. I had lost the courage to fall in love, I had lost the ability to fall in love and then one day he came into my life like a gush of wind, made my life smell sweeter with his love, his care, his understanding. I don't know how he did but he could read me like an open book. Sometimes I thought I had spoken too much but then recollecting all that I had said I could never reconcile that I had spoken anything that was troubling me but after hours of talking about this and that, when he would leave he would send me a message explaining what was on my mind and to stop worrying about it or offer a solution to it. He amazed me beyond wits with his care and unspoken gestures that made me love him.
But I had never known that I fell in love with a mirage, though somewhere deep within me I knew that for me to have someone who would love me unconditionally was impossible. I was scared this time coz I knew if I lost him too, I would lose my sanity too and I was not wrong. I lived coz I was breathing, but I had no motive to live. I would cry at the smallest thing, I would keep smiling for hours for no reason, I would clap like a child watching Tom and Jerry coz he loved my nave and childish behavior.
He never did tell me to grow up. But he never realized that I will have to if he would not be there standing as a shield to protect me from the world, and its ministrations. I had clandestinely wished that I would grow up once I tell him how much I loved him, but destiny had other plans for me. I grew up not coz I had confessed but coz he had left me, left me to face the wrath of the world alone.
The prank was not a prank after all. It had turned out to be the worst reality of my life. I had lost him to eternity. I wouldn't have cared if I just knew that he existed somewhere deep hidden in this world, that would be enough to keep me alive, to force myself to live just in the hope that he would find me one day and realize that I had been waiting for him through all the years without whim or hitch.
But I had lost the love of my life,the reason for my survival, the anchor of the boat that I was sailing in.
I still remember that fateful day where my life had turned upside with just one word of mine. I did want him to leave me alone coz I was angry with him but I didn't mean that he could leave me for so long that I could never even touch him again.
It was 1st June 2007, a special day of my life. No it was not my birthday, it was the day I had found the one who kept me safe in his arms till he stood by me. Yes it was the first time I had met my husband MR. Maan Singh Khurana at a party of a friend. He was dressed in a black suit and I was clad in a white saree. The only thing I was aware the rest of the evening was his eyes on me and the dance we shared on the floor. The hi's and hello's become acquaintances and then it turned to the blushes and finally a year and a half later we were married happily.
In the relationship we shared all the important dates on our calendar was celebrated by The gift that I got. It was always the same My Huge BOX of chocolates. They were no ordinary chocolates but special chocolates that were imported by Maan for me coz he knew I loved them. Recently my craving for chocolates had increased. The credit goes to my Pregnancy hormones. But Maan never complained. He always made sure I had enough chocolates to keep my Food pangs on the edge.
It was 1st june 2010 when I got up expecting a box of my chocolates, and all I got from him was a kiss on my lips and a kiss on my growing belly. He loved to do that. He would leave no occasion to pat my gently growing belly and talk to the little one inside and shower it with the kisses that I was given too. I complained that why did he have to kiss the baby whenever he kissed me and his reply would be ,"Kynki main chahta hoon ki main tum dono se baraabar pyaar karoon. Dum dono meri zindagi ho." I would smile at him teary eyed and he would wipe away the tears each time without a whim.
That morning after the kiss I sat there waiting for my chocolates to come, but nothing happened. He was leaving for office when he peeped into the room and told me that he was leaving. I just looked at him and turned my face away and not even attempting to get up like daily to go leave him till the door even in the 7th month when he would always tell me to rest. When I didn't move he noticed and came back in asking me the reason for my strange behavior. I told him the reason and he laughed at me saying ," I thought You get enough chocolates as it is..so i didnt get them today,"..
I pouted and turned my face away. He laughed at me and said,"Ok baba u will have ur chocolates with an hour Now don't I deserve something for the hard work I am going to do."I looked at him confused and he kissed me on my forehead and said," I will ask when I want it," I nodded my head in agreement and he started to walk away.
I called him when he had reached the door, "Come back home with my chocolates," "Yes mam," and then he turned back again. After a few steps he turned back again and said,"Geet grow up,". I shook my head and he muttered, "You will soon,".
It was late into the evening when I got a call from a hospital to reach there immediately. I tried asking why but I was given no explanations. I told the driver to drive me to the hospital and on the reception I saw my mom and dad, my MIL and FIL. I was shocked but still no one said anything. They took me to room and told me to go in. I didn't understand what was going on but I entered the room.
The sight in front of me constricted my breath. There in front of me lay Maan covered in bandages. I could see nothing but his eyes. Still in shock I stood there watching him. He felt my presence and opened his eyes. With his eyes he motioned me to come near him. I walked in a trance towards his bed. He then motioned me to look at the table beside his bed. I looked and saw the Box of chocolates that I had wanted. I took it up and tears flowed out of my eyes.
He tried lifting his hand but I caught it and sat beside him. He placed his hand on my belly and asked me to bend near his mouth and he said, "Geet tum who zinadgi jiyogi jo hum chahte the, tum mujhe yaad karke hasogi aur kabhi rogi nahi,"
"Maan aap yeh,"
"shhh geet, mere paas waqt nahi hai..waada karo,"
I shook my head,"aap kahin nahi jaa rahe ho..aap mere paas he rahoge,"
He shook his head and pleaded with tears in his eyes.
I nodded and kissed him on his forehead. He closed his eyes to feel my lips but I didn't know I would never be able to see in those again.
When I looked up at him there was a smile on his lips and contentment on his face. I touched his cheek but he didn't open his eyes. I tried calling him but he made no movements.
The last thing I remember about that night was the scream of his name from my mouth and my slumping to the ground.
I woke up in the hospital bed with my mother sitting next to me looking at me teary eyed. I tried to remember why Maan was not next to me. Thinking about the past made me teary eyed. My hand moved to my stomach and I found it was flat. I looked at my mom and she shook her head.
I turned my head away. I had not only lost my Husband but also my little angel.
Maan was right in taking her away with him. He knew me well enough. He knew I would never be able to live without him and I did try committing suicide up teem number of times but each time his promise would make me change my mind.
And here I am Mrs. Geet Maan Singh Khurana leading a life, he wanted me to with his memories and his presence that always sorrounds and guides me through the various phases of life.
Kumkum Bhagya
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