Jokes - Page 64

A policeman stops a car and asks the driver, "Why're you doing 130kmph, sir?"

"I think your speed detector is faulty," says the driver. "My car was in automatic cruise control, locked at 60kmph."

"Don't be silly, dear," says the driver's wife. "This car has no cruise control." As the cop writes out the ticket, the man growls at his wife, "Can you keep quiet?"

The cop frowns and says, "I also notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir."

"Well, I was," says the driver. "But I took it off when you stopped me."

"Now, dear, you know very well you never wear your seat belt," says his wife. As the officer writes out a second ticket, the man shouts, "Shut up, silly woman!"

"Does your husband always talk to you like this?" the policeman asks the wife.

"Oh, no," she says. "Only when he's been drinking."

Stingy Abe was on his deathbed. "Is my wife here?" he asked

"Yes, I'm here next to you," she answered.

"And the kids?"

"We're here, Daddy," the youngest answered.

"Is the rest of the family here too?"

"Around your bed," his wife assured him.

At that, Abe sits up and yells, "So why is the kitchen light on?"

Dave works long hours at the office and spends most evenings training at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman greets them, saying, "Hi, Dave, how are you doing?"

Dave's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to the strip joint before. "No," says Dave. "He's in my running club."

They take their seats and the waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual Kingfisher. His wife is getting uneasy, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."

"No, dear," says Dave. "That lady also works in the health-club's bar."

A stripper comes over to their table and puts her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Furious, Dave's wife, storms out of the club and into a taxi. Dave gets in beside her and she starts screaming.

"All right, Dave?" says the cabby, turning round. "Looks like you picked up a moody one tonight."

Joe couldn't take much more of his blind date. Luckily, he had arranged for a friend to ring the restaurant at nine with an excuse for him to leave.

Sure enough, he was called to the phone on the hour, and returned to tell his date, "I've got to go. My father's died."

"Thank heavens for that," the date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl."

Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can."

Fantastic Nallu, you are super. Nice jokes.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

A young couple get married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."