Jokes - Page 145

Punctuate the sentence: The teacher says the student is a fool.
Re-punctuate it and you get: The teacher,says the student,is a fool.

How do u lock a elephant in a fridge?

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Roby what is your problem?" Roby answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Roby to the principal's office.
While Roby waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Roby was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Roby: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Roby: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Roby can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Roby both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Roby, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Roby replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Roby: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Roby: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Roby was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Roby: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Roby: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Roby: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Roby: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Roby: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Roby: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Roby: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Roby: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Roby in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

A guy and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she

spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.

"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," he said, throwing a brick through the glass

and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather

jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," he said, throwing another brick through

the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.

"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Jesus, Christ!" he moaned. "Wadda ya think I am? ...made of bricks!!"

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for

the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,

staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up

the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one is going

to steal Henry."