Jokes - Page 111

Am sure you guys have read this before...but still .. 😳

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' About 32,' is the reply. I'm exactly 47,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, 'I guess about 29.' Nope, I'm 47.'

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I am 47, but, thank you.'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

He slips his hands inside her top and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...how old am I?' He completes one last check, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 47.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man replies, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

No, I won't get mad', she says.

'I was behind you in line at McDonald's.'

😃 vani.........1st time i'm reading it gal.. 👏 👏

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,

"Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

It's not a joke...

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Learning:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"

"What is it Ma?"

"They won't let me fart."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination
and running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor,

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man, "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"

"Nine..."

ohho......he is dying but i'm 😃 😃 😆

Good ones Vani 😃

Pay A-tention

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."

Guy, jokes are really funny. I can't laugh out loud but really its funny 😆 😆 Thanks