Chapter Thirty FiveHe had lain in her arms, his breath laboured as she screamed for help, willing anybody to hear her, to come and save him.
"You can't die, you can't." she had told him, "Just hang on Sir, the others are on their way, Dr Shalini will be with them and…"
"It's too late, Naina," he had told her, "I know it is." His breath was coming more slowly, it was difficult for him to even speak, "I want you to promise me something, Naina. Promise me that you won't give up, promise me that you'll become the best soldier you can be. Promise me that you won't let them win."
"I promise you, Sir, I promise." She had wept, "Just hang on, you can't die, you can't. Don't do this to me, don't leave me this way."
"Naina," he had whispered, as if he had wanted to say something more. He had looked up into her eyes, while she had clutched him to her, and he had raised one of his hands to touch her face, "Naina.." he had whispered, even as the light died in his eyes.
It was the last word he ever said.
**
Asha woke up screaming, her entire body drenched with sweat and her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. Sitting up with a start from where she lay beside her, Amiya switched on the lamp before reaching out to clutch Asha's hand and rub her back in soothing motions.
"It's okay Asha, it's okay… it was just a dream." She told her, "You're here with me in Kolkatta, everything is alright… it was just a dream." But the time when Amiya could've dismissed Asha's dreams as just nightmares was gone… these days she recognized them for what they were, memories of the past that tortured her friend.
"No, no…" Asha sobbed, "Not a dream… he was dying, he died in my arms and I couldn't do a thing, I couldn't tell him, I never said and he… and his last word, the last thing he ever said…" She couldn't stop sobbing or shivering, and unsure of how to help, Amiya just held her hand, waiting for Asha to continue. She could not interrupt, if Asha didn't say this today then she might never say this.
"Who was dying, Asha?" she asked her, praying that her friend might remember, "Who was it?"
"My Sir.. My Rajveer Sir… my… Dhiraj…" Asha said, becoming confused, because it had been Dhiraj, it had been… and he had been... "Dhiraj… I have to go and see him." She declared, suddenly getting up from the bed, she pulled a shawl around herself over the top of her salwar and short kurta before putting on her shoes.
"Asha, be sensible… it's 3am." Amiya told her, "You can't go at this time, just wait for a few more hours until the sun comes up."
"No I have to go now," Asha told her stubbornly, "I can't lose him, not this time, not again… I can't lose him." Her voice was now panicked and Amiya realized that nothing was going to stop Asha from reaching him. Instead she picked up the phone and dialed her a taxi, hoping that everything would be alright.
"Give me a call when you've reached to let me know you're safe." She told Asha, but she knew that doing so would probably be the last thing on her friend's mind.
Asha nodded and impulsively hugged Amiya, who in turn gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Watching Asha bolt out the door towards the waiting taxi, Amiya couldn't help but think that they'd reached a turning point.
She had remembered his death. How long before she remembered both of their lives?
**
Ignoring the looks of the curious hotel staff, Asha had taken the lift to the fourth floor where Dhiraj's room was, knocking loudly on the door to wake him up.
He opened it blurry eyes and with his hair messy, staring at her for a second with incomprehension until she threw her arms around him and started sobbing.
"Asha… Asha what's wrong?" he asked her, looking around the corridor before pulling her inside and shutting the door behind her, thankful that he had a room to himself. Unable to stop sobbing, Asha clung to him and he guided her to sit down on the bed, rubbing her back soothingly. Holding her to him, he rocked her back and forth until her tears subsided, waiting until she was calm to let go of her and look down into her face.
"What on earth happened?" he asked her seriously, "You're alright aren't you? Did something happen to somebody? Did anybody say or do anything to you?"
"No, no…" she whispered, shaking her head, "I had this dream, this dream that was so real and I…" she stops suddenly, choking on the words and shaking slightly.
"Asha, what is it?" he asks her, suddenly feeling as if the answer is incredibly important.
"I dreamt that you died in my arms…" she whispers, trembling as if she's afraid to say it in case it comes true. "I was screaming for help but nobody came and you… you died before I could say anything, before I could tell you how much I loved you, and even at the end, even at the end…"
She is looking at him with such fear that Dhiraj hugs her to him tightly, "I'm fine Asha, I'm not going to die." He told her, "Nothing can happen to me now, not this time." Even as he wonders about his own choice of words he feels that they are right, that whatever she has dreamt… "Shhh," he tells her, "Asha nothing will happen to me, nothing will happen to either of us. Nothing can separate us now."
She nods mutely against his chest but doesn't move away, her arms wound tightly around him. Dhiraj knows that he should tell her to go back to Amiya's, that she shouldn't be here with him alone at this time of night but he can't find the strength to send her away.
"Don't ask me to go back," she whispers, so low that he almost can't hear her, "Don't ask me to leave you at this time."
He shakes his head, pressing her to him tighter. If he's honest with himself then he doesn't want her to go, doesn't ever want to let go of her. Her dream has shaken him up, reminded him of the possibilities… he doesn't want to go through this lifetime without letting her know how much he truly loves her, without…
"Asha, you know how much I love you." He tells her suddenly, leaning back from her so that he can see her face. "I won't let anything separate us, not people and certainly not death. Not this time… not…"
He's interrupted as she leans forward to kiss him, pulling him to her as if seeking some kind of reassurance that he really is alive and there with her. Kissing her back, his hands tangling in her hair, he can't remember ever seeing her this way before. She has always been the calm one in their relationship, the sensible one while he is the one that needs constant reassurance. It's only tonight that the roles have been reversed that she's come to him with such fear and need.
She links her hands around the back of his neck, her fingers touching his hair where it's grown slightly too long. "Raj…" she calls him almost hesitantly, her eyes slightly unfocused and although she's never called him that before, although nobody has ever shortened his name to that before, somehow it feels so right that she would call him by that name. It pulls at something inside him and he can't force himself to be good, can't let her go.
How long will he remain patient for after all? How long will he deny that what he really wants, what he's always wanted is to hold her to him and never let her go.
So he kisses her almost desperately, trying to press her even closer to him as his hands move to her waist, touching her skin beneath her kurta. He's sick of barriers between them, any type of barriers and Asha seems to feel the same way because she has begun to tug at his t-shirt, and he lifts his arms to help her remove it. She almost bites his lip and it just makes him kiss her even harder, pressing his lips to hers and then to the skin exposed at her neck.
"Raj…" she calls him, and he removes her kurta finally before pressing their bodies together, unable to describe the feeling of her skin against his.
"Naina," he whispers, calling her by her name, the name of the girl he's always loved, even though he shouldn't because he…
Then Raj stops thinking and allows himself just to feel.
**
Raj awoke late, listening to the sound of the birds and the quiet hum of the fan before he opened his eyes. As his sleep slowly cleared, he noticed the slight pressure against his side, the warmth of a body pressed against his.
Waking with a start, he stared at the girl sleeping next to him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, one of her arms around his waist.
Naina… what the hell had he done?
Panicking, he struggled not to move, not to sit bolt upright and wake her. How could he have… When he had waited for so long, when he had been prepared to wait for however long it would take, how could he have suddenly given into temptation, compromised both of them in this way and that too inside the academy….
But confused suddenly Raj looked around, because this was not the academy…
He remembered suddenly as he lay as still as possible. She had come to him last night panicked and crying because she had had a dream… a dream that he had died…
It is then that Raj remembers, remembers dying there on a deserted road in her arms. He had gone to retrieve the red box only to be shot by Gehlot… and arriving too late she had screamed, running to him and had held him as he had struggled to keep breathing, struggled and still been unable to say…
But he was not dead, he was very much alive and here with her by his side.
Raj wondered… if this was what amounted to heaven.
His head ached, throbbing as he tried to think through it and he sat up carefully trying not to wake her. How had they both gotten here? Because he had died, he knew he had died and she…
Taking a glass of water he drank it hurriedly, looking back down at Naina… Asha… that was right, Asha… his head hurt even more as he thought about it but he refused to stop thinking, refused to stop until he finally understood.
It is then that he remembers what he's doing here in this hotel room, that he's come to attend his best friend Samir's engagement, that he is in fact not Rajveer but Dhiraj… as he sits there on the hotel's chair watching her sleep it all floods back to him.
The meeting with Aalekh when he was young… the struggle to achieve his dreams and how he had always believed… believed that he was destined for more. How when he had met her he had felt the connection, the incredible longing to be with her… how one by one he had seen them again, Aalekh and Abhi, Pooja and Ali, Yudi and Huda.
How could he not have remembered before now? How could he not have realized who he was and who she was and why they were here, why they had met and what it really meant…
Unable to stop himself he crosses back over to the bed, kneeling beside it to look into her face he reaches out to trace a finger down her cheek, pushing back some of her hair.
How long had he waited to love her, to be with her? How long had he waited for this day when he could speak his heart openly, be with her as he truly wished to? But the fact that she was here with him as Asha also meant something. That she had not continued to live as he had wished her to, that something had happened to Naina after his death…
She opens her eyes then and as she looks at him for a moment he knows she sees him as Raj, and then something changes and sitting up, clutching the sheet to herself she smiles.
"Dhiraj, what are you doing?" she asks him, reaching out to ruffle his hair lightly, affectionately.
He chokes back a sob, knowing that she doesn't yet remember, and smiles instead. "Just let me look at you, Asha." He tells her, "Today don't go anywhere out of my sight, not even for a moment."
"What has happened?" she asks him frowning, "You sound…"
"I'm fine," he tells her, blinking back tears, "I'm fine, just as long as you're with me, as long as you're always with me."
"Dhiraj… I'll never leave you." Asha tells him, reaching out one hand to stroke his cheek. "No matter where you might go, I'll always follow you."
He doesn't doubt it for a second. Hasn't she followed him from one life to the next?
Reaching out, Raj crushes her to him. As much as he longs for her to remember, he is happy just to have her by his side. No matter what name she calls him by or what name she responds to, she is his and he won't ever let her go again.
**
Knowing that the soldiers would have to leave in the early afternoon, Amiya's parents had organized for an early lunch for them, wanting to give their guests a good send off after the engagement. Mrs Chatterjee had been curious when Asha hadn't been there in the morning, until Amiya explained that her parents had called and asked her to go home.
Since then Amiya has been on edge, wondering what had happened, whether her friend was fine or not. She just has to trust that Asha is with Dhiraj and that everything has worked out fine.
The rest of the guests have already arrived when Asha and Dhiraj arrive together, her hand clutched tightly in his. As impossible as he knows it is, he doesn't want to let her go ever again but if that is not a possibility, then he can try to keep a hold on her for at least the rest of the day. The rest of the guests look up as they walk in and hoping to diffuse the situation, Amiya gets up from where she's sitting with Samir and smiles at them.
"Thanks for picking Asha up from home, Dhiraj." She tells him and he just nods, knowing that she's attempting to cover up for them.
Amiya gives her friend a look then and Asha blushes slightly, avoiding her eyes which makes Amiya's widen. Shaking her head slightly, she gestures to them to go and sit down.
Since they have walked in, Aalekh has been watching them because although something seems different he can't quite work out what it is. It is not until halfway through the meal that he realizes what it is, staring at Dhiraj he watches the way that the young man considers them all, the recognition in his eyes as he looks at them. It is when Dhiraj's eyes finally meet his that Aalekh's suspicions are finally confirmed because it is not Dhiraj Kapoor who is looking back at him, it is Captain Rajveer, once again looking at one of his cadets. It is the gaze of a teacher, a mentor and a friend that Aalekh has missed so much over the years.
But there is no time to talk or to confirm because after the lunch they have to rush to make it to their transport, bidding goodbye to their friends quickly. It is when Dhiraj… Rajveer Sir… bids goodbye to his old cadets that Aalekh knows without a doubt he has really come back. The look of pride on his face as he sees them all together, an acknowledgement of what they have achieved after his death, of how far they have come.
All throughout the flight back, Aalekh watches him, and when their eyes meet again, Aalekh knows that Rajveer Sir knows he has realized. Rajveer gives him one slight nod, an acknowledgement of what they both know before he tightens his grip on Asha's hand.
Because Aalekh is certain that Asha has not remembered… that Naina has not yet returned.
It is after they arrive, when Rajveer whispers something to Asha, sending her off and remaining behind that Aalekh knows he will now speak to him. The rest of them head off, Hussein casting one curious look backwards, Amiya and Samir both too happy to notice the change and Rajveer and Aalekh are left alone.
"Sir…" Aalekh whispers, almost afraid to say it out loud in case his hopes turn out to not be true."
"Yes, Aalekh." Rajveer tells him, placing one hand on his shoulder.
It is all that Aalekh can do to stop himself from throwing his arms around the younger man because he remembers that after all, nobody else on base will understand about this. How can he explain that somebody who is apparently his junior officer is really the person that he respects more than anybody else in the world? How can he explain that he wishes he could salute him, have him take his rightful place.
"When?" Aalekh finally asks him.
"This morning," Rajveer replies, "But it's been coming on for awhile now, small things…" Then he smiles suddenly, the smile that Aalekh remembers so well. "Shall we go and see Chauhan Saheb?" he asks, and all Aalekh can do is grin because he knows exactly what this will mean for the older man.
"We'll go right now, Sir." Aalekh tells him, falling back into old habits quickly. "I imagine there's a lot that you must want to know right now."
"Yes…" Raj agreed with him, "There is." And of the many things he wished to know, needed to know, there was one question that arose first of all.
Because just as always for Raj, everything began and ended with Naina.
And it always would.
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Aami Daakini
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