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Part 9
" How?" I found myself asking before I could question myself again if I would be able to bear the details of his death. What if he had died painfully and hence they had hid it from me?
Arnav took in a deep breath as if to compose himself and it did nothing but pushing me more towards the discomposure. " He died after knowing that you attempted suicide and were in coma. Doctors said that he had a cardiac arrest in his sleep and Aunty told that just before he died, he felt extremely guilty that he never shared your pain but took financial assistance from you. The doctors didn't want you to know because giving you shocks at this point of time was not advised. Really sorry, Khushi."
As the real meaning of Arnav's words dawned on me, I felt my living force reach the dusk.
Why was my judgement so bad?
" I misunderstand everyone. I took everyone's love for granted and went behind this criminal idiot. I only thought of myself the whole time. Maybe I don't deserve love. Maybe I don-"
I couldn't complete the sentence. Guilt choked me and pain suffocated me. Once again I feel what I felt that night - sometimes to live is the most courageous thing to do. Bearing the pain, shouldering the guilt, realizing betrayal and fighting world; something not everyone could do and hence they leave this world.
One of the quotes I had read came back to me: Don't pity the dead, pity the living. Nothing feels more right then recalling this phrase, when I stand here, bereft of the love of my life, misunderstanding my late father, standing in front of the court after punishing the man I loved the most and seeking solace in a man who entered my life just a few weeks back.
Today I learnt what people mean when they say their world has turned upside down. I didn't realize I was in the embrace of Arnav till I felt the wetness of my own tears wet my cheeks through his shirt.
I pulled out of his embrace to find him eying at me with a look which was both piercing and soothing.
"Everyone deserves love, Khushi. And you have done no crime which is heinous enough to snatch love from your life. You have dared to love, you have dared to experiment but destiny was not so considerate on your part, and hence you failed. It was not your fault. To love is never a crime and to feel angry at someone is perfectly human, not a sin. Your father wouldn't have wanted you to cry and feel hurt. He would have wanted you to smile and be happy. So don't cry, Khushi."
His smile brought assurance which numerous sessions with my psychiatrist couldn't. The sessions with them were emotionless and had no attachment but the concern showered on me by him brought back hope into my life.
I will not let go of hope. I will dare to hope, yet again.
" Thank you so much, Arnav. I don't even know how I will be able to ever pay you off."
" You can start by not thanking me. Come on, we are friends now, Khushi. You don't have to thank me and what I did in the past was what I had to or else I would never be able to forgive myself."
His smile never faltered and there was my hope. Hope that maybe everything was not so broken as I am thinking it to be. If Arnav could smile when I remind him of his sister who committed suicide, instead of sulking whenever he saw me, then I can try to put my past on the back seat and start afresh too.
I have many who love me unlike people who have none and it is not fair that I am sulking after getting both love and justice when they are still struggling, with no one to fall back on, to find justice for themselves.
-------
I think I am liking this Arnav more by every passing update! This guy reminds me of P&P's Arnav.
" How?" I found myself asking before I could question myself again if I would be able to bear the details of his death. What if he had died painfully and hence they had hid it from me?
Arnav took in a deep breath as if to compose himself and it did nothing but pushing me more towards the discomposure. " He died after knowing that you attempted suicide and were in coma. Doctors said that he had a cardiac arrest in his sleep and Aunty told that just before he died, he felt extremely guilty that he never shared your pain but took financial assistance from you. The doctors didn't want you to know because giving you shocks at this point of time was not advised. Really sorry, Khushi."
As the real meaning of Arnav's words dawned on me, I felt my living force reach the dusk.
Why was my judgement so bad?
" I misunderstand everyone. I took everyone's love for granted and went behind this criminal idiot. I only thought of myself the whole time. Maybe I don't deserve love. Maybe I don-"
I couldn't complete the sentence. Guilt choked me and pain suffocated me. Once again I feel what I felt that night - sometimes to live is the most courageous thing to do. Bearing the pain, shouldering the guilt, realizing betrayal and fighting world; something not everyone could do and hence they leave this world.
One of the quotes I had read came back to me: Don't pity the dead, pity the living. Nothing feels more right then recalling this phrase, when I stand here, bereft of the love of my life, misunderstanding my late father, standing in front of the court after punishing the man I loved the most and seeking solace in a man who entered my life just a few weeks back.
Today I learnt what people mean when they say their world has turned upside down. I didn't realize I was in the embrace of Arnav till I felt the wetness of my own tears wet my cheeks through his shirt.
I pulled out of his embrace to find him eying at me with a look which was both piercing and soothing.
"Everyone deserves love, Khushi. And you have done no crime which is heinous enough to snatch love from your life. You have dared to love, you have dared to experiment but destiny was not so considerate on your part, and hence you failed. It was not your fault. To love is never a crime and to feel angry at someone is perfectly human, not a sin. Your father wouldn't have wanted you to cry and feel hurt. He would have wanted you to smile and be happy. So don't cry, Khushi."
His smile brought assurance which numerous sessions with my psychiatrist couldn't. The sessions with them were emotionless and had no attachment but the concern showered on me by him brought back hope into my life.
I will not let go of hope. I will dare to hope, yet again.
" Thank you so much, Arnav. I don't even know how I will be able to ever pay you off."
" You can start by not thanking me. Come on, we are friends now, Khushi. You don't have to thank me and what I did in the past was what I had to or else I would never be able to forgive myself."
His smile never faltered and there was my hope. Hope that maybe everything was not so broken as I am thinking it to be. If Arnav could smile when I remind him of his sister who committed suicide, instead of sulking whenever he saw me, then I can try to put my past on the back seat and start afresh too.
I have many who love me unlike people who have none and it is not fair that I am sulking after getting both love and justice when they are still struggling, with no one to fall back on, to find justice for themselves.
-------
I think I am liking this Arnav more by every passing update! This guy reminds me of P&P's Arnav.
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