Memories |ArnavKhushi|-SS- 10/01 - new page 53! - Page 9

I read the poem again and again...and my guilt grew with every word.. and every memory of her flashed in front of me...

It had not been easy to shut off everything and pretend that I never had a friend called Khushi and it had taken every nerve in me to pretend it did not hurt me or to not show how much her absence had bothered me. If only I had opened this box before or unraveled the sachet at the night we parted ways.

It would have created a difference .. her poem spoke of her unrequited friendship and devotion to me .. and how deeply she thought of me. Maybe it would be different right now .. maybe I would still have a shoulder to rest when things got heavy.. maybe I still would have someone to call at 3 AM and be the me I was not even in front of myself. ..Or maybe not... the misunderstandings.. the anger.. the hurt .. everything had reached its breaking point.. maybe we just needed to part ways to realize what we meant to each other.

But 5 years?? From a college graduate to a full fledged lawyer .. hadn't things changed now?? Weren't these things not supposed to matter?? No they where supposed to matter.. Khushi had stood by me no matter what.. and that is why I over reacted when I found out about her betrayal. But to know now that she never betrayed me.. she never intended to damage my relationship to sarika.. all I can see now are her hurt eyes and pleading face.. how she wanted to clear her stand and how I had walked off asking her to never contact me again... how I left a friend who was just asking to trust her..

I remembered her farewell dress... light pink salwar kameez... how she had forced me to come with her to buy it...how I was half angry already with her and yet wanted to be there for her..how her hesitations and repeated asking about what was wrong with me irritated me further.. Because I felt she knew .. what was going on in my mind.

It surprises me how vividly I remember every detail about her 5 years ago when I can't even remember what I had for dinner yesterday. I still remember her running after me calling out my name asking to stop...asking to listen. I looked at the poem again and started at the words brought me tears...yes I did bring her tears even when we were friends.. from over using her help in college to being my solution to every problem of mine to being not able to trust her when she most needed it. It amazed me how much right I felt over her .. how much I thought that she is bound to help me no matter what .. how much I relied on her for every single thing even when in a relationship with someone else.

I remembered the time when I had grown distant from everything except her. She always held on.. she always made her best efforts to be in touch. Maybe that's why it hurt so much... maybe that's why I shut her off ...because the pain was unbearable.. the pain of being betrayed by that one person I would have happily done anything for. I owed her an apology.. but more than that I owed her that respect she deserved. How gracefully she had walked off.. how her bits of explanation when I was pretending not to listen only told about how important I am to her and nothing derogatory about sarika. I remember screaming in my head... "just say you are jealous of sarika and I will forgive you" .. but the truth was she wasn't and I was led to believe the opposite.

A deep longing to see her arose inside me.. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was if it could do any good.. about how important she was to me ...about all the things I meant to say to her but never did. Like how my favourite part of her was her text of how I was doing even when she would have met me the same day and still at night I would get this text almost daily ...how her little notes of encouragement on my notes would push me to do better seeing how much potential she saw in me.. how I knew my favourite food was her least favourite and yet she pretended to enjoy it..the little things I never told her.. because I thought she would be my friend always... the little things I took for granted... the absence of which had left a void in my life. She was my best friend... or maybe she is. Because after her.. I never really made another friend as close as her.

In the last 5 years, every time someone hurt me , cheated me or let go off me.. my mind would just wander to her.. and I would remember the little sacrifices of hers.. but sadly I would also remember her so called betrayal and shut off everything. But not today.. today was different... she was a friend and will always be.. and all I wanted was to call her ..see her and meet her.

Is it more than friendship? Or is it just I found the best friend I ever could. This question had passed by me but I never had stopped at it...and with years it had blurred but not today ... Today was different.

Let me be honest to myself for once ... It was time to ask more questions than I ever had..

Had anyone understood me better than Khushi? No...

Had anyone noticed the little details of mine? No...

Had anyone stood by me even when I was wrong... because though I deserved to suffer someone was there to suffer with me? Only khushi...

And yet I had walked off from her.. why? For Sarika? It amazes me how a relationship changed me so much.. After Sarika I never got into a relationship.. It was messy ..it was hard and then I had no more a soulder to cry on about the mess.

So why didn't I ever thought of Khushi in that way and why after 5 years I am forced to prod on those thoughts I never would have.

Because today a barrier was lifted... and the poem indicated not only friendship but how some lines had melt and blended into love.

Love?? Is that what it was?? No.. not then ..

And Now ..I don't know? The feelings of friendship were still strong in me... but as I stared at the little words of her writing.. I felt an emotion rising strongly... and yes I missed her terribly.. and yes I missed her more than a friend should.

Life is a blur right ? We keep living without stopping breathing in our feelings.. without talking to our soul.. and guys like me well we are just too blind most of the times.. ignoring the perfect happiness in front of us and ruining it with our judgments and assumptions..

Maybe if I thought all this 5 years back I would have felt guilty or even disgusted but today it felt natural.. it felt pure.. it felt right.

...

I looked at her with utmost satisfaction.. yes I had found the one for me.. I had found the person I had been looking for and it felt like a gift because that person was my best friend.

Yes 5 years had drawn a huge gap between us but she forgiving me and asking to move on..what else did I need? Nothing... or maybe I did ? Love?

I kicked myself in my mind .. I had just gotten her back I could not ask her more.

The past few weeks of attempting to talk to her.. to get her back had been quiet difficult .. she seemed determined not to come back and yet today we sat opposite to each other talking as old friends did..

I was glad .. glad to have such a friend... who forgave me even without explainations.. who trusted me and just me and didn't need any proofs or digging of past to humiliate me.

That is what friendship is about right? Trust? And how I had failed miserably at that ? The memories of her in farewell dress still haunted me and my guilt had gotten heavier as days had passed.

But today it all felt like pieces were coming together.

She was the same...the same girl for whom I remained important even after all these years because if it didn't she could have ignored my calls .. my continuous badgering.. my request to meet.. she could have shut me off.. but she did not

Instead she decided to trust me... she indeed was different and maybe that's why the whispers in my heart had grown stronger and stronger.. but today was a celebration dedicated to friendship and I had to shut those whispers... well just for today.

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Love you all

Griffy

Part 10