Having read this 'draining' update, RB, not once, but 3 times last evening and now, first thing in the morning (I am a glutton for punishment!) I can absolutely understand why you're feeling so drained.
Khushiis draining, she is not easy on anyone - not not others, not on herself either - I know I'm going to have a whole host of people wanting to lynch me for saying that.
She takes up a lot of energy, which is why Arnav had to stop her, knowing that whatever she would tell him would suck his soul out.
Why did she start to tell him about her breakdowns when he had told her that he couldn't afford to allow himself to be disturbed by anything at that point in time? I found that quite se;f-centred on her part.
The following bits hit me so strongly that I have to 'speak' to your Khushi and tell her what I feel!
It was hard but she didn't have it in her to look at Arnav at that moment. She would dissect every possible change in his facial expression and overanalyse it till she went dizzy. No, she wouldn't herself be enslaved with this pitiable necessity of belonging she had been so desperately craving.
You needs to belong to someone, Khsuhi? What about those who wanted to belong to you?
Why?" She burst out, wrestling a tissue paper in her hand and a lone tear hung on the corner of her left ear. "Why did you?" She wanted to know if he purposefully wanted to misrepresent himself by clinging on to her one objection she always had with him and thereby mocking her by doing the very thing she always wanted him to and challenged her in his own subtle way.
Why Khushi, why?? Why does it always have to be about you? Why can you not think of what he'd been through and look upon his choice as his way of coping with what had happened. He's not being perverse- 7 years ago he probably felt this choice would help him move on, holding on to something from his relationship to help him carry on?
"Because I could," he said morosely.
She couldn't take her eyes off him then. There was something incredibly tangible tragic about his choices which made him look achingly beautiful. He looked broken and dented in several places and unlike her there was no misrepresentation of truth on his part. The bluntness with which he responded held more secrets than he wished to share and in that moment she wanted it all. She wanted to know the real reason behind his choice, she wanted to know why he held her hand and helped her and she desperately wanted to know why he was wearing the matching gold band on his wedding finger just like her.
Khushi, Khushi, Khushi!!!! You WANT to know it all?? Have you told him YOUR secrets?
And now becaue you want him to tell you all you decide to blurt out yours? And when he stops you, you decide to burden him with the knowledge of your breakdowns and how you coped?
What DO you want, my dear girl??
By the end of the update, unfortunately all I could feel was Khushi seems to enjoy wallowing in her misery. That, I think, is the main difference between her and the others- she's chosen to wallow in her misery, they have not, despite being deeply affected by her actions.
It always unnerved him ' the way she looked at him as if he was her art work and she was seeing examining every colour combination, very brush stroke, every smudge, every depression on canvas and the way they all came together to offer her a point of view or a dose of her own reality. He didn't know which but he couldn't meet her gaze.
Ah, at last Arnav's perspective! This give me the first glimpse of the inner landscape of their relationship. I'd always wondered about the relationship they both shared with each other. How did they meet, what did they feel, what did they do? So he has felt that somewhere along the way she's appropriated him.
And yet he reaches out to hold her hand.
Tells us a lot about both of their relationship- despite all that has happened, they still want to reach out to each other
I feel terribly sad for Arnav- the choice between the agony of losing her 7 years ago or the agony of her return 7 years later. Quite a Hobson's choice, isn't it? He sounds so weary
And, yes, so does Khushi. I feel terribly sad for Khushi. Whatever it is that is eating her up had better be really appropriate for the amount of suffering she is going through and causing others. You have given us a hint of her own nature having drawn her to the dreadful truth that has had the power to destroy everything.
And for those who think, I hate Khushi. I don't. I am just trying to understand her and I am allowed not to like some bits of her! That is life isn't it. There is no necessary one to one correspondence between love and like, is there? This is a lesson I learned a while ago at great cost to myself.
Yes, RB, and all the others who felt it- it was a a draining update. If we, the readers are feeling so drained,, i can imagine how much more it must be for you to have it all inside your head and have to give voice to it.
Nevertheless, I have to say this was a superb update. Worth reading it 4 times! Ha!
Edited by Japonica - 12 years ago
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