Armaan unlocked the door gently, to be welcomed by darkness. The hallway was pitch black and Muskaan's room was empty too. He guessed both Rahul and Muskaan were out and smiled slightly, happy for his friends. But his mind worried instantly when he thought of where Riddhima was but breathed a sigh when he saw a bright light peeping from their room. He slowly opened the door expecting Riddhima to be watching tv, or having dozed off, but was surprised to see her holding the walker and trying to unpack her stuff back to the closet. He sighed, Riddhima would never give up being Ms Perfectionist, she had to have everything in place always. But he had to stop her, she had just got back straining so much wouldn't be the best thing to do. He wasn't sure if he should stop her either, she had seemed put off by him for some reason today and he didn't want to mentally strain her by nagging her so much. But when he saw her sit on the bed to rest, he realized she had managed to exhaust herself.
"Riddhima ye kya kar rahi ho? Leave unpacking for now, we could have done this even tomorrow, you should rest," Armaan said tentatively.
Riddhima was slightly taken aback because she had no idea Armaan had entered the room, her instant reaction was a slight smile she couldn't help but soon her anger took over and she looked away muttering, "No I am fine."
"NO Riddhima you're not.. I mean you've been on sedatives and heavy medicines for pretty long, please aaram kar lo, kal hum dono saath mil ke sab sort karenge. "
"Armaan don't worry so much, mai theek hun, I know you want me to rest, but that's all I have been doing so far, I want to try and do as much as I can do by myself."
"Of course you can Riddhima, but not just today, meri itni baat nahi manogi?"
"Tum meri baat maante ho, toh phir kyun maanu?"
"Riddhima? What are you saying? Kaunsi baat nahi mani maine tumhari?" he said softly, not understanding where she was coming from and his voice exhausted, not ready for a confrontation he could very well see coming.
Riddhima looked at him, felt guilty for once seeing the look of defeat on his face, but moved away not wanting to change her mind on what she thought was of absolute necessity to do.
Armaan sighed when she obstinately kept unpacking her bag, but he couldn't stand away doing nothing about it when he saw her almost stumble back on the bed because of imbalance. He went and held her securely to himself. And she looked back at him getting lost in that feeling of love and protectiveness he was silently providing to her.
"Riddhima, sweetheart please, dekho I understand you wanting to spend time doing what you like but it's just been a day, let's be pragmatic, tumhari stitches khule kuch hi din hue hai, you yet have to follow a routine, but you need to give good rest to yourself hmm? Come on, chalo, lets get into bed."
But Riddhima had had it then, she just pushed his hands away "Leave me Armaan, let me try..." Riddhima bend down trying to continue doing what she was . Armaan stopped her again," Basket! Please.. Doctor ne kaha tha na, not to exert yourself. Wait for a day or two more, then we'll do it together, abhi thoda aaram karlo, don't be so stubborn."Armaan said groaning, trying suppress his anger at her rigidity.
"You're the one being stubborn Armaan, why don't you let me feel that I can do things on my own. I know you care, aur doctor toh mai bhi hun, I know what's right and what's wrong.."
Armaan shut his eyes, trying harder to not loose hold of himself. He tried one last time to make her understand and get his words through her. "Basket do all you want in the next few days, but it's just been a day, you yet need to exercise, you're just going to exert yourself.."
But he couldn't say anything further because she raised her voice, overruling his, "Stop being so over possessive Armaan, you're making it seem like I don't understand anything..What are you trying to prove Armaan, that I can't take care of myself.. I did stay all alone, all along for the last 6 weeks...and I did manage, trust me enough to know I can at least manage to help myself...
"THAT'S ENOUGH RIDDHIMA !" Armaan said loudly, anger and hurt in his voice...
"I KNOW, I KNOW that you can manage yourself, I know you can take the best decisions for yourself, you can take better care of yourself then I do, so much that you may not need me, but you know what, I NEED YOU. So if not for yourself, listen to me, for my sake." Armaan flared up, no longer able to keep his words in check.
Riddhima softened up at his words, but she knew they had a long way ahead, and this was just the brim of the layers of pain and fears Armaan had supressed within himself for God knows how long.
"Armaan? What are you saying? You think I care less for you, do you think you're the only one who selflessly loves and gives in this relation? You think I don't?
Armaan was taken aback at the meaning she had removed from his words, "No Riddhima I am not saying that, I know you love me.. but."
"But what Armaan, do you really trust me about this? Or for that matter anything? You just think I am too weak, too weak to take my own decisions, too weak to be a part of the ones you take, weak to handle the both of us like you do.."
"Riddhima do you even hear yourself? You think I don't trust you? You think I make you feel weak? Tum bhi mere baarein mai aisa sochti ho?" Armaan looked at her beseechingly, amazed at the accusations.
"Agar aisa nahi hai Armaan, then why didn't you ever tell me about your accident? Why didn't you tell me when you first decided to send me to the care centre? Why didn't you tell me that you had a fight with Anjali di? Why can't you open up to me and tell me things when you expect the same from me?"
"I'll tell you why Armaan, because you think tum Superman ho, you are strong enough for everything, but you don't have an ounce of trust on me and the strength I have in me. Kya saabit karna chahte ho? That you're the best husband ever? Or that I am not good enough to be your wife?"
But before she could say another word Armaan came towards her fiercely and held her against her with force.
"SHUT UP Riddhima ! What's wrong with you? Itni der se kuch bhi bole ja rahi ho? I can't even believe you're saying all this? I had never expected this in the worst of my nightmares that you'd think so low of me. Mai khud ko best Husband prove karna chahta hun? Kise prove karunga Riddhima? Tumhare dad ko?
Armaan laughed derisively, "Your dad would care less if I even give up my life for you. Ya phir tumhari mom ko, jo meri bhi ma hai, lekin aisi ma jis ke liye apni pati se zyaada important kabhi koi nahi lagega, jo unhe chod mera saath dena chahe tab bhi nahi degi. Ya phir mere parents ko prove kar raha hun? Jinhe khud hi shaadi ka matlab nahi pata, who care less for where I am, what I do?... from the day I was born? Why will I want to prove anything to anyone Riddhima?
Riddhima staggered looking at the pain in his eyes, and that hurt that he had gone through stung her heart excruciatingly, making her doubt if the harsh words she had 'purposely' used crossed a line. But if this was the only way she could get her happy, cheerful Armaan back, and lighten the burden he had been shouldering from so long, she was ready to pay the price for it a bit longer.
"Toh tum kabhi in sab ko jawab dete kyun nahi? Agar sab itne hi galat hai? Aur tum itne sahi ho? Then why don't you speak up? Why do you keep sacrificing a piece of your heart every time anyone walks over you?"
"Because I don't trust myself Riddhima? Not one bit."
Riddhima was gathering what to say, when he continued, probably too ticked off to keep a check on his emotions this time," Do you even know what I've been through Riddhima? From the day I saw you take that bullet for me, that day when I almost lost my life. Uss din tumhe khone ke darr ne mujhe iss baat ka bhi yakeen dila diya ki shayad mere saath reh ke you'll always have to go through pain. I saw you bleeding in pain, almost dying in front of me and couldn't do anything, knowing it was me who got you to this condition because of my childishness. But I was too guilty to leave everything and go away, so I gathered myself and pledged that I wouldn't take rest till I got you treated. From that day till today I've just been struggling, struggling with your dad, with your family, struggling to help you gain your lost hope and confidence. I was never sure Riddhima, never sure that I'd be able to live up to the promise I made to myself. Every night, since the day we've come here I've been awake dreading the consequences if you couldn't get treated. It wasn't even about being able to look in Dr Shashank's eyes. I wouldn't be able to meet my own. I have nothing to prove to anyone, because when I got you here, it wasn't for anyone else, it was for you, and for me Riddhima. Because even though I had lost hope in myself, I hadn't lost hope in you, in our love. But that doesn't mean I wasn't scared, I've been scared all along. Every moment I was assuring you, I was dying thinking exactly the opposite of what I was telling you. I didn't hide my accident, my troubles, my fears with you because you had a burden to handle of your own, I didn't want you to shoulder mine as well. Agar tum par bharosa nahi hota, toh itni confidently tumhe akele uss care centre nahi bhejta, agar bharosa nahi hota, toh tumhe sabki marzi ke khilaaf, sabse itna door akele nahi lata. I wasn't enjoying being a superman, I was pretending to be, not out of my own will but because I HAD to. And so many times when your dad mocked at me, insulted and questioned my love for you, it did hurt, and it hurt because he was right. I have never been able to protect you, never been able to take care. Aaj tak kitne vaade kiye tumse, lekin kisi ek ko bhi toh nahi nibha paya. Uss din agar tumhe hospital nahi bulata toh.." and his voice cracked, hoarse from all the speaking and because of the lump in his throat.
Riddhima was tongue tied, her eyes blood shot at his outburst and his pain visible in her eyes, as tears flowed down from them. She couldn't take it anymore and slowly with the help of the walker went up to him. His head was bent down, probably trying to hide his tears back. She went up to him and held his face in her hands, and made him look up, even as he struggled rigidly..Finally he relented and looked back at her with a stoic expression. Riddhima flung her arms around him and took him in a warm hug. But even in the embrace, she was the one crying for the pain he had endured, Armaan was still holding back his emotions, his eyes clenched and hands tight around her, he fought back his tears. He didn't want to become weak, not today, he didn't want to ruin their happy moments by dwelling into the past he wanted to leave behind.
Riddhima had probably realized this, she got out of the hug, sniffing , controlling her tears. Armaan raised his hands to wipe them, but she held his hands, and pulled him towards the bed.
"Riddhima.."
"Betho Armaan.. betho ! she glared"
He finally sat down besides her, and conscious about being watched by her, didn't look up. He knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to hold himself back. But if he was the only one who knew how to deal with Riddhima, then so was she the only one who knew the best way to deal with him. She once again held his face and made him look up. He didn't look into her eyes, but as he felt her tenderly caressing his cheeks, his eyes surrendered to the loving touch giving away the tears they were trying to hide. Riddhima felt a wet touch on her palms and moved forward and hugged Armaan again, cradling him to herself.
She caressed his back and spoke softly into his ear," You're allowed to be weak Armaan, you're allowed to feel pain, you're allowed to cry if you want to. You can hide yourself, your pain and your feelings from everyone as long as you want, but not from me, not from your Riddhima. That's enough, you've had enough, now no more. You don't have to pretend anymore, let your guards down, it's me, your Riddhima."
Her soothing words and loving caresses broke his guard and he broke down, letting his sobs take over and tears fall down. As the weeks and months of hidden pain, fear and feelings all gushed out. Ever since the shootout, he had had to pretend he was strong, not scared and brave to face everything, and hence even though he had been her pillar all throughout, he hadn't got the chance to vent his feelings. But today as his Riddhima was besides him, stronger, braver, and courageous. He let his arms down, letting her take over, letting her lead him to a world of tranquil, ensconced in her arms, in a world he'd always want to be, a world of their own.
Riddhima let him be, letting him shed his tears and pain in her arms, caressing his back with one and running the other in his scalp. When she felt his sobs subside she pulled him out gently. Her heart wrenched seeing the tears streaming down his face, and giving him a soft reassuring smile she wiped them away softly.
She looked at him, taking his whole being, and caressed his cheek," Tum pagal ho pata hai, why did you have to do this to yourself? Itna kuch chupate rahe? Did you think it wasn't important enough to tell me?"
" Aur mujhe pata hai tum kya kehne wale ho, that you did it to save me of the guilt and pain, and that you thought it'd be better I don't have to deal with it. Then mind you, that you're wrong, tumne mujhe ye baat nahi batayi, iss baat se mai kahi zyaada pareshan thi, even more than I would have been otherwise Armaan. I just know when you're hiding something from me Armaan, and it hates to know you're killing yourself for it and all this while your silence kept scaring me Armaan. And then again, everything isn't about me, think about yourself too, for me. Kyunki mere liye tum sab se zyaada important ho. I don't like this Armaan, stop neglecting yourself, your own feelings and self respect for us. Ek waqt tha jab tum ye baat mujhe samjhate the, that I shouldn't let our love make me weaker, and now what are you doing. Tum bhi toh mere liye, khud ko kamzor kar rahe ho. Is this what my love is doing to you?"
Armaan shook his head negatively that instant and was about to speak, when she stopped him," NAHI ! tumne bahut bol liya, and that too all wrong,"
When he gave her a confused look, she just smiled at his expression and shook her head," When I was guilty of ruining your life, of binding you to me in this condition and hampering your career, toh tumne mujhe kitna daanta tha, you showed me how my act of taking the bullet was the proof of our undying love, and that you'd have done the same if you were in my place, and now you're killing yourself after the thought that you are responsible Armaan? What rubbish is this ? Tum aisa soch bhi kaise sakte ho hmm?"
"Riddhima I would have definitely done the same for you, but it doesn't change the fact that it was me who called you there... tumhare dad.."
"Mere dad galat kehte hai Armaan, and I don't want you to protect him for that and even agree to what he blames you for. Be practical Armaan, and don't be stupid. Hazaron baar mujpe prank khel ke mujhe hospital bulaya hoga, kahi baar ek dusre ke saath waqt bitane ke liye we'd have played around, uss din itifaq se woh haadsa ho gaya, iska matlab ye thode na hai ki you were responsible for it. This is the last thing we'd even wish for our enemies, forget each other. Dad ko toh bahana chahiye tumne galat prove karne ka, and it's not because tumse koi galti hui hai, it's because his ego is hurt. It's been hurt since the day he got to know I love you, because I dared to love a man he never approved of. And that is why he wants to blame you in the first opportunity he gets. So stop ruining your head and messing it up because of what he says, and I can't believe you're being so slow and thick headed," she screamed almost exasperated.
Armaan smiled at her, his tigress, who had been wounded, but he could see she had healed and was back to herself and he was proud. He didn't have anything to say, but his heart warmed up at the thought of how his basket knew him so well and loved him so dearly that she understood him and his feelings more than even he knew. He moved forward and kissed her lips, and she instantly gave in, holding him closer to herself, their hearts beating the same rhythm. He caressed her back passionately and she nestled her hands in his hair, egging him on. She slowly parted from him, but couldn't meet his eyes, and blushed, looking down, only to her his usual 'oye hoye'
"Stop it, don't distract me Armaan, I haven't had enough of scolding you yet !"
Armaan chuckled," Ab itna toh daant chuki, enough na now," he pouted.
"Stop getting cute on me, and NO I haven't got enough. Tumhe toh jitna daanton utna kam hai, you're so stupid."
Armaan pouted and looked down, waiting for her to finish his class, while she wouldn't just give up on him this time.
She held his face and made him look up," Be serious Armaan, and talk to me, tell me everything you feel, I don't like it when you hide stuff from me and end up thinking so much of rubbish. I don't like that you keep everyone and everything before yourself ok, I want you to think for yourself, and you need to know that, this is the ONLY way I'll be really happy. I respect that you think about me so much, because I do the same Armaan, I can never think about myself before you. But I don't want you to over look your own feelings for me. Itne mahino se pata nahi kitna darr, kitna stress le ke jee rahe the tum, it's not fair Armaan. I love you as much as you love me, and I can read your eyes even if you choose to hide your feelings from me. Tum kitne pagal ho, jo aisa sochte ho that you've given me pain, that you haven't taken care of me? How stupid are you? Do you know you're the only thing I want from life, the only person I consider my own, the only one I can depend blindly on and want to be dependent on all life.. you're my only family and the most important person in my life. Tum aur tumhari feelings mere liye mujhse bhi zyaada zaroori hai and so you have to promise me, ki tum mujhse ab koi baat nahi chupaoge. "
"OK FINE MERI MA, I'll tell you everything, apne dil ke haal ki pal pal ki report dunga, is that fine?"
"I wasn't joking Armaan !" she finally gave up, pushing herself out of his old in frustration.
But he realized she wasn't joking and he should take her seriously before he pisses her off completely. He definitely agreed with her, there was a weird sense of security when they both shared their inner most feelings with the other. Hiding anything from each other wouldn't do either of them any good. When she had locked herself in a shell and had almost gone into depression he had been dead worried too, so he obviously related to her feelings. She had all the rights to know what he felt and all along even though he had tried to protect her, unintentionally he had only enforced the fact that she was weak enough to reach out and be his pillar. Him confiding in her would have probably made her felt more needed.
"I am sorry Riddhima.. tum theek keh rahi ho, I was wrong. I should have shared my feelings with you, it was no point hiding them from you. Na mai chain se reh paya na tumhe rehne diya. I just kept thinking it from another point of view all together. But I respect what you're saying and I promise, aaj ke baad I'll always confide in you, and you'll do the same right? "
"Of course Armaan, we both will." She smiled, relieved she had been able to have this discussion with him, which was long due and necessary. She didn't want him to feel insecure or guilty for no reason, she didn't want people to take undue advantage of his kindness and walk over him on the name of their love. Like he had once said their love needed to make them stronger, not weaker.
Tired from the day's activity but yet desperate to be with each other they both lay down close to each other, with Armaan's head on Riddhima's chest and her fingers caressing him. She persuaded him to tell her everything he felt, from the day he had come here, to the day she had left for the treatment. She had always wanted to know how he had gone through those tough days, she felt pathetic knowing about his two shifts and tedious working hours. They both discussed how they'd manage their funds and expenses, while she reprimanded him to leave either of the jobs and not do night shifts at all. When he kept arguing she just pulled his hair and made him look up, "Oww you jungle billi, leave MY HAIR."
"NO, stop being such a spoilt brat, maine kaha na no double shifts. Listen to what I say okay?"
"FINE, hitler part 2,"
"ARMAAN."
"RIDDHIMAA"
"TCH, you trouble so much, koi baat hi nahi maante,"
"Jaise khud toh badi baat manti ho, mujhse pooch kitne papad bele hai maine."
"Tch tch, bechara Armaan."
Armaan just miffed and was on the verge of turning on his side, when she held him tighter, "Stay !, humari baat abhi khatam nahi hui.." which made him lie down in exasperation, ready for the interrogation.
Through the night they kept talking to each other, filling the other with their every experience, hers in the care centre and his at home, stuck between Rahul and Muskaan's millionth world wars and juggling his jobs.
He had almost reached to the point when he had the disagreement with Anjali when he felt quiet. Riddhima wondered why he had stopped after telling Anjali had called, she shook him worried, but as soon as she held his face up she smiled affectionately. Her baby had nodded off to sleep.
She realized he must have been exhausted, not only just physically but even emotionally. Even though she was dying to know why Anjali had called them out of the blue, she agreed it could wait. She didn't want to pressurize him to talk to her either, she just wanted him to be happy. And she could see he was, she could see the calm on his face, and she knew that the initial hurt she had given him today had paid off in the best way possible. She gently placed his head back on her chest and kissed his temple and then head lovingly, and caressing his hair , gradually fell asleep herself, relieved that once again, they had both come a step closer. One horrid nightmare in their life had now come to an end, and happier times were standing with open arms welcoming them to dwell in their happiness, to live the life they had always wanted to, together.
Sorry for the small part but I was busy plus wrote after too long, took me long to think and write. Shall try and update asap :)
Lot of happy moments coming up :)
Jaane Anjaane Hum Mile
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon
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