Hello every one Good Morning
here is next UD of Biya without my blah blah
Khwahish
Part-V
After few hours I called Kaka to know about her condition,
he said she was in her room since she get back home, it meant that she didn't' told anything to Kaka, that' s good for me, because if she had done that then it would be more hard for me to get away from her, as kaka knows what importance she has in my life and he would tell her everything. So I need to hide all this from Kaka.
But at the same time I need Kaka's help too as I can't show my concern to her then he is the only person who can look after her and she will listen him too.
His words and the concern in his voice was enough to make me restless, I can't stay away more, I need to look at her, I need to see her, feel her , feel her presence around me, specially I know how much pain I caused her and how can I leave her in that pain , I have to suffer it with her by seeing my love in that sheer pain, after all she will not be with me after few days, then I have to suffer alone even for her one sight.
When I get back home Kaka was there to ask me what happened with her?
why she was like that?
I had no answers for his questions.,. All I could say was, "She is angry with me Kaka I hurted her, plzz take good care of her" and I felt it unbearable to control my self and break in to sobs after all Kaka is the only person who know's me from childhood and after Amma his arms were my cradle , who else can share my pain, without asking the exact reason for it. He get that there's something wrong but as I was not in condition to reply he didn't asked me anything just patted on my head gently and gave strength to hold back my tears, and he reached Arpita next moment, I followed him but I hide myself behind the curtain.
Kaka placed his gentle loving palm on her forehead and called her back from that deep dark well of sorrow where I pushed her.- "Arpita . Bitiya have something you didn't had anything since morning.." and it worked with her too, all that pain, that frustration, oozed out as tears and sobs, when I saw her crying like that how can I hold my self, I cried too with her but away from her.
Kaka get that something really bad happened he asked her this time- "Aree Bitiya what happened? why are you crying like this? Avdhesh.." he was about to tell her about my condition but thank God he looked back at me while mentioning me and I nodded in denial to mention about me, he must thought that she was angry with me that's why I stopped him to take my name. He smiled a bit on our first suppose to be fight and asked her further.
"is there anything wrong?"
She quickly composed her self and said-" No Kaka everything is fine. I am not hungry. Bas Papa ki yaad aa rahi thi. After talking to you now I am fine.
Is he back? You should give him something."
I can't understand how does god made her? Why is she so selfless? First she lied to Kaka, m sure just because she too don't want to hurt him by telling about my behavior and the camouflage of my infidelity , and more then that she is asking him to look after me.
My eyes again got flooded with tears, Kaka looked at me and leave us alone, she laid back without any activity like a living dead, tears were still rolling down from her eyes, No I can't see her like that. But I have to bear that hell before dying as just dying and getting apart form her was not enough for my punishment. Don't know for which crime god is punishing me like this, watching my love in such kind of condition, any punishment of hell can't pain more then this.
I spend few more hours in study as I can't see her in that state, when I thought she must be slept I came back to our room, but she was still like that, like a living dead, only difference was now I can feel her eyes on me, moving with me, her pleading eyes as she want to hear something from me, which I want to say too but can't voice it.
I just pretended to be unaware of her restlessness and get on my side of bed,
it was same bed, same room same both of us of last few months, last night but only thing which was not same was me, I turn off the only lightening source in room, the side lamp, put off my spects and laid back and pretend to sleep, as last night was my last sleep when she was in my arms, without her how can I think of rest, of sleep, of breathing, She was just at arm's length and I can't grab and hold her, when she was crying bitterly, when she needs me, needs a shoulder, needs a warm hold to ensure that she is safe and everything is fine.
I bear it for long hours she was crying and crying and her sobs were chopping me inside, when I can't control my self any longer I almost reached to grab her by waist but I hold my hand back before touching her, but I can't take it back, the urge to hold her close to heart was stronger then me, I closed my eyes and started to wait for her to come in my arms herself, praying my god to bless me with just one more night to sleep with my life , to allow me one more moment to collect for the rest of remaining hell after her.
Kaka's old radio and that melodious song put more fuel in that desire..
"Lag jaa gale, ke fir hasin ye raat ho na ho..
Shayad fir is janam me julakaat ho na ho.."
I dared to look at her with all desire and pleads, I felt as she was turning to me I just closed eyes and stretch my arm more open to invite her ..
In no time she was in my arms, her head was on my shoulder while arms were holding me tightly across the chest, she hugged me tightly, and started to cry bitterly, I can feel her warm tears burning my heart, she was shaking badly,
"Paas aiye ke hum nahi aayenge baar baar,
Baahen gale me daal ke hum ro le zaar zaar,
Fir aapke naseeb me ye baat hi na ho..."
Song was depicting my heart's desire,
who knows , may be this was my last night with my life. I want to hold her back but I can't while she was crying badly, may be she was expecting me to wake and talk to her, which I can't if I dared to pretend this time I was sure to loose my self in her which I can't afford, so I continued to pretend my sleeping drama while tears were flowing from my eyes too, this time it was that sheer darkness in our room which hide my tears form her, when I was sure that she slept I fulfilled my desire I hugged her tightly closed to my heart and cried to my heart. After crying I felt a bit light may be because she was with me and I can feel her, don't know when I fell asleep.
Next Morning '.
Again luckily I woke up before her, when I opened my eyes her face was at breath away from mine, she was in my arms, her eyes were still wet and I think so was mine,
I kissed her eyes lids lightly and then placed a kiss on her lips as paying regular homage and a tear came it self at my eye's corner as I know it was my last attempt to touch her soul, from tomorrow I can't do that because what I was going to do today will take her away from me for ever and she will hate me for sure.
23 December
(Bring her to Doc's clinic),
I had to start all scene before she can get up and again look at me with those pleading eyes, I found only one way to escape from that situation I decided to not to look at her or if I have to look at her I will not look into her eyes, and without my dark shades never, as this was my only way to hide the pain in my eyes or she will read it as she always do. I went to take shower as I want to wash it all away all fatigue all sorrow all redness of my eyes and if possible my existence so I can save my self from killing my own baby.
When I came back she was there as I thought : she was staring at me with pleading eyes , I determined to not look at her but how can I deny myself because apart from her I don't have any existence I keep looking at her all the time some times in mirror and rest by side looks but I make sure that she could not saw it.
Time to start my rude and cruel play, I just called Kaka-"Kaka, Breakfast lagaiye, we will leave in half an hour, Arpita has an appointment with doctor"
I mentioned it as I didn't had guts to say it to her directly, she just took her clothes and get in bathroom for shower, I didn't want it but as she move like a zombie my eyes again filled with tear.
As I mentioned about her appointment with doc; Kaka came to ask about her health, How could I forget that Kaka was certainly not part of my self destructive deeds, "What happened Babua, ? Is Arpita bitiya fine? She was not looking well even yesterday, what happened to her?" Kaka asked worriedly,
"Haan Kaka, she is fine just weakness I think that's it, and after today she will be fine, don't worry I will take care of her"
What else I can say, except she will be fine after the day as I will not be there in her life any longer to cause her pain and not that part of me who can remind her of me.
Kaka-"Ok Babua, I will bring both of your's breakfast here, Bitiya ko pyaar se khilay dena, she didn't had anything last night too."
"Acha Kaka..Kaka .. Don't bring anything for me, I am not feeling like having anything so early."
How can I think of eating anything when I was destroying my own remaining life!
Kaka-"Babua is everything really like that as you are telling me?"
"Yaa Kaka why are you not believing me?"
Kaka-"Ok, if you are insisting. But I never saw you wearing shades in home especially at this time, khair, it s your life who am I to ask you anything."
And he left with sad face, I knew it; I can't hide anything from him for long time, but this time it was something I can't share he can't bear it.
Kaka brought her breakfast and left without any further word. When I noticed her coming out I get in front of mirror, and start combing hair. How else I got chance to look at her, she was wearing Red saree, wet hairs, completely as I always want to look her, as she always looks; beautiful. But she was staring at me with some kind of hope, which I can't fulfill now. I tried to not do it but our eyes met when I was wearing my jacket and turn to her, in that flick of second her eyes said a lot of things I get it all but I can't respond to them, its not about me , its for her and her future, again I put the shades on, as I can't see those tears in her eyes, fetched my bag n about to leave the room when she followed me silently, How can she do it like that, don't she feel any anger for me, how can she forget that she didn't had anything since last night, if she really care for the baby!!!
I knew I was about to take her to kill our baby but how can I overlook her this irresponsible act. I just turned to her and this time I was really upset with her '
"Don't you think you are forgetting something?"
She just gave a blank look followed by
"What?"
Oh God this time I really didn't get her was she really unaware of about what I was talking or that was her way to show anger to me, causing trouble and suffering for herself.
I didn't had any other option except returning room and I did that
"Kaka brought your breakfast in room, have it we can leave after 15 minutes."
And I threw my bag again back on bed, while she was standing away in mid door as I was going to force her for something; I sit on bed next to her breakfast. And her reply was-
"No I don't feel like having any thing."
Oh God what should I do with her? She was about to start cry again, I can feel her vibrating voice. I can't allow her to break down and cry this time like previous night she had to be strong, she have to learn to be strong; I can't be with her to hug her and wipe her tears off every time, and for that she have to eat something. I took the juice glass and reached to her, this time I forced her to hold the glass-
"Stop your nonsense and take it."
At that moment I saw her anger and stubbornness for the first time she didn't moved by my scold even a bit and turn her face to other direction and denied plainly '
"No I will not"
And a silent tear rolled down her cheek.
What I was thinking of her' after all she is my Arpita, how can I think to force her for any thing? It gave me strange feel, bit of proud and bit of confidence that she is not so delicate as I thought she can stand with her decision. But it irritates me too as she was weak and still denying to have anything even juice!
I all most banged the glass back and all I can say was-"OK, as you wish!"
I really felt helpless in front of her stubbornness. And I left the room she followed me wiping her tears herself as she too want to hide it from Kaka.
She gets in car, next to me, while I was driving. All the way to clinic' my only wish was to look at her, to capture her beauty in m y eyes for rest of my life, but I can't even do so, as she was constantly looking at me with tear full pleading eyes, I can't dare to look strait at her, but when I feel it unbearable I look at her reflection in the window glass.
When we reached the clinic she looked frozen, as she can't believe that I was really doing it. I get out of car and want her to do same but she didn't moved even a bit from her seat, even she looked at me with tearful eyes and denied to do it just by a nod,
Oh that look' that miserable condition of her' every time she looked at me like that I feel as something in me shatter more badly and its particles poke my soul more badly I feel as I was bleeding internally I can feel that pain in her eyes, that fear.
But I had to do it. I turn my face away from her as I can't see her like that any longer, took a deep breath and again went to her, opened the door and pulled her out by wrist, the moment I held her I felt her pain more deeply but I pulled her out, she almost fell but some how I catch her and before she can hold me and cry I make her to stand her own, after all after me she have to do it, how long I can be there to give her my shoulder to shed tears,
I was lost in her tears when a young boy's voice broke my revere, he was asking for penny, when I saw him I feel as my own child was asking for his or her life, I think she felt the same because she started crying bitterly, how can I blame her to be emotional when I felt same my eyes too fell with salty water, if I stand there for any more second I can't hold my self and Arpita' her condition was getting worse every second, I just pull out what ever came in my hand from pocket and throw it on ground away from us so he can leave us alone , he ran to collect those pennies and She looked at me surprisingly then at him I found chance wiped my tears which was coming out from shades and dragged her in the clinic before she can understand anything.
When we met the Doc, she looked at me surprisingly as last eve when she gave me the news I hugged her with happiness and now I was there to kill our baby, Arpita's condition was visible too, to avoid her questions I started to end-
"Doctor, we are getting separate, so we don't want any link between us and if this child came , it will suffer whole life. We don't want it."
Doc was looking at me surprisingly, all I can call it my luck that even Arpita was gazing at me all the while instead of looking at Doc, if she did that she must get that something is wrong with her(Doc)
Doc was about to say some thing but before she can; I left the cabin, but Doc came to me outside too,
she said-"Mr.Thakur, are you sure that you don't want this child, I mean last eve you were quite happy!"
"It doesn't matter what we want Doc. Its not in my destiny, to be a father, to live a normal happy life, Please take care of her, she is really very delicate.. " and I felt as my throat was chocked so I left it in mid and came out in garden. Near my car, that child was there but this time not begging even he was playing with other children, I called him-
"Beta, suno , come here"
he came to me, I was looking at him as he was embodiment of my own unborn baby, my eyes again turn wet it self.
"Ji Saab" his voice was so sweet, I sat on my knees to come to his level and looked strait in his eyes,
"Why were you begging like that?" I asked him without any intention all I need to hear his sweet voice.
"I was hungry naa, I ate bread from you money and see I store this for my younger sis too" he showed me a slice of bread."
"why? Where is your father? He don't give you food? Does he ask you to beg like that?"
"No no saab ji, he has gone for labor work in big city, we didn't receive his money yet naa, that's why I was begging, if he came to know I was doing that he will be angry at me,, Baba loves me so much and I love him too."
'Baba loves me'
those words of that child felt me as someone is abusing me, and I cried at my condition, even after all this money and property I can't do anything for my child, except killing him. And here was the son of a labor who claims proudly that his father loves him, tear rolled down my eye and the next thing touched my soul deeply was that child wiped my tear with his petit palm and said-
"saab ji why are you crying? Aapka sar dukhta hai kya? Can I help you? When ever Baba has head ach I help him. Can I do it for you too?"
"yes you can help me beta"
and I hugged him tightly and cried to my heart, that innocent child unknowingly nursed my wound by his innocent love.
"what happened Saab ji? Kahan dard ho raha hai?"
"ho nahi raha hai beta 'tha', after hugging you its gone, thank you for your sweet words, take this money and bring some food for your sister and mother too, till your father comes back ok"
I kissed him and hand over him some money so he can give it to his mother,
"tell your mother that Avdhesh Thakur gave it to you for helping him in need OK".
I kissed him again on forehead before he can leave,
I felt as I saw my baby going away from me, Oohh its so hard to get away from an unknown child whom I think of as mine then how hard it would be for Arpita specially when she can feel it in her every second. I was sure she will hate me for this whole life.
But at the same time there was a selfish side of me who want to see Arpita back with me, with my baby, I want to see her and hear that everything is fine our baby is still alive it will come in this world, in our life, in my arms, but know it's the desire I can't wish for.
I was lost in all these thoughts sitting on garden bench when I again saw her in car as she never left from there, for a sec I looked strait in her eyes, I was happy to see her, as my lpve and my baby is fine and its all was a bad dream only but next second I realized , it was not my imagination she was really there, but why? She should not be there, she suppose to be with doc, in the clinic
. My heart sank a bit with worry for her. I put on my shades and reached her while she was sitting in car with a blank look.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in amazement.
"why? You don't know what am I doing here? You bring me here and n.." she replied back in anger, that's what I was looking for anger and hatred for me
I interrupt her in mid-
"Cut it Arpita you are getting very well what I meant , you suppose to be in right now'" suddenly a thought struck me, ' what if there's any complication?' I can't control my self this time and I asked it
"Is there any complication?"
But next second I realized my mistake when she looked at me with a soft look and there was a ray of hope which I can't let alive. I controlled my self and covered it,
I asked her again this time with bit rude manner and getting closer to her, leaning at her window-"Arpita , I am asking something, why are you not in?"
The reply was desirable but unexpected,,
"Because I don't want to kill my baby."
I was speechless for a second as she taunt at me that I want to kill my baby, yes she was right, because its for her welfare, do I need to explain it to her-
"Stop it Arpita, why are you behaving like this, be reasonable, after our separation I don't want any link between us, Its good for you too, You can start a new life after me, but with a child you can't expect any angle for you to come and accept you with someone else's child."
I tried to be as rude as I can, and at the same time to convince her to move ahead after me. But instead of getting more angry or accept my words her reply was
"What!" she was looking at me in amazement,
then I got that she was amazed with the idea of getting married after me. She must be thinking why I was concerned for her I had to cover it somehow that i am concerned for her due to my love for her.
"Come on don't be a child Arpita, don't tell me you will not marry after this relation, I will start new life with my love and so will you, some day..
(the thought of her with some one else fell like hell to me , and I stopped for a second) Get out of car and go to doctor. I don't want any one to blame me to spoil your life my making you pregnant and leave you good for nothing."
Finally I found a good reason for all rubbish, and for some extent it was true I want her to get away from me so when I die everyone will think I met my end to do wrong with her, not to blame her for my death.
She looked at me with surprise I had to be ruder, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her out, but her words shocked me this time, there was real anger for me.
"You should think it before you'"
And she stopped in mid, but I got what she was about to say, this time I was hurt,
that all was my love for her which I can't voiced ever, but today I was happy for some extent for it, because she was taking my love as lust and for it she will hate me for sure, but it hurts me too she continued after a pause,
"I said No, mean NO, I will not kill my baby, and you don't need to bother about us, . Just do me one favor, drop me to your Home, because I will live there until you don't throw me out forcefully, its, you who want to end this marriage not me"
She said it all while tears were flowing from her eyes. I can feel that pain that anger in her voice. And I don't have any word further to say except what she said.
Great, now she was taking my love as lust and I hate her but still she want to be with me, until I throw her out of house how could I do it, no not in this life, why she loves me so much, she have to hate me instead of loving me. What else I can do now; she is going to carry our baby,
I am happy as my baby will come in this world but at the same time my responsibilities also doubled at the same time, earlier I need to find a guy for her to be a good husband but now I have to find someone who can be a good father too, father of someone else child, is it possible?
I don't know when I left her home and get back to office as my mind already started to search someone for her, her last sight was appearing in front of me again and again, when she looked at me and I saw her in mirror, those eyes, I will never forget them, and I will not return to her now as I don't think I would be able to hide my love and pain of loosing her . With every name a pain is raising, No I can't think her with anyone else. What should I do now?"
"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
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that's all for this update hope you liked it 😳
Edited by joliefille - 13 years ago
Jhanak
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