Part 61 Sliding doors.
<Maan's monologue>
She had stepped away from me for I had given in to my carnal appetite. Argh! I was no different than the men she had seen in her life. I needed the water for the fire in my throat was blistering my heart; it voiced and screamed to tell me that I was weak. My forewarning had blared in my ears when I had moved on top of her in the bedroom; I was lucky to have escaped from the clutches of my wants, but only the first time though, for I had showed beyond doubt that I was the same garden variety male, who would also tip into the sensual world when in an amorous state. She had called out my name to stop, not once but twice and only then could I fit my sane had back into my body; I had been a headless demon for those moments.
<Geet's monologue>
What was I doing here? What reason would I give to be knocking at her door, at 2.15 in the afternoon? Perhaps she wouldn't guess that I was very much denying myself to my husband, to the one man who loved me endlessly, who neither judged me, nor questiond what I was made of. He hadn't done anything that was a taboo at that vulnerable state. Meer got the door and was surprised to see me, her expressions gave away the joy she had experienced. "Finally…yahan ka raasta bhi yaad aagayi tumko? I thought you had amnesia" she asked with a pun in her tone.
She came around to hug me and we walked inside. I told her I wanted to pick up a few things and she left me to do so in my room, for Yash was in her room and from the look of her, she seemed to have woken up from a nap.
My knees gave in and I lay down on my bed for my guilt was engulfing me that very moment. I heard giggles and laughter from the other room and that added to the discomfort. Guess it was normal for everyone else, but why Oh! Why couldn't I just give in and flow?
He had only tugged me from behind; Kissing me fiercely on my nape his hold moved up beyond the narrow of my waist, when I moved away calling out his name simultaneously to gesticulate my apprehension. I winced in pain this moment for all the guilt I was sure I had caused him. I didn't stop to see what he was going though for I had quickly changed at the room and walked straight out here to my old home. My eyes fell on the comforter that lay there by the end of the bed. The very one that I had bought for the only reason that he had laid himself upon this very sheet that day; the day we were on the same bed side by side for the first time and though for fraction of a minute, it was enough for me to hold on to this dearly. It had already been a week since our marriage…Ah! Already? It was technically yesterday, but given all the distance and coldness in our relationship, I didn't know if it was any worth to announce it to him and get a parade out for the same.
Not having time to process all that had happened, I quickly grabbed all that my cradled arms could handle and moved back to my new home. He must have be in the study for I couldn't hear him in the living room or kitchen or in the bedroom, where I was now dumping the comforter, my dance bag, and a few books I had grabbed from the apartment below.
I was sure he was not going to be demanding anything from me, neither for the shower incident nor for the one week anniversary, if it meant anything all to him in the first place. I quickly decided to face the day and changed into a black saree, something I had never tried on before, for I had been draping myself in white and all the light shades every time possible. Not that I didn't like white, but I wanted try and see if black could loosen his hold on himself once again and perhaps this time my deep dark side would also flow without inhinitions. Only one task was left out now and that was to get him out all the self-condemnation he would be experiencing now in the study.
<Maan's monologue>
She showed up in a black saree exposing her bare shoulders and her back that only had a few strings running across her curved marble back to obstruct my full view. Simply dressed to kill, she came into the study with perfectly glazed hair that was straighted with soft curls by the ends and as my eyes moved down, her thin line of white diamonds came into view, only second to the pearly whites she was now wearing as a smile. What was the occasion? I had no clue what called for such grand display of her beauty and that put a puzzled look on my face in addition to the guilt that was already smeared all over. Taking away the laptop from my lap, she came to sit on the very same spot where it had been and she now had her hands around my neck too? Perhaps the langoliers got to that time in space before it could be etched permanently in her memory and was I thankful for that or what? Only my heartbeat that was racing to kiss her for the beingn act could tell, yet I refrained for now.
"Agar aapko bahuth kaam nahin hain toh hum bahar chalein?" She questioned innocently.
I stuttered to give her a yes if that is what she wanted. "Haan…jaa sakte hain…lekin kahan jaana chahti ho?" I inquired back.
She thought about it for a moment and looked at me with eyes wide in excitement and I didn't understand if there was need for any, for on days I slipped I preferred to be my grumpy self; I chose to take time and move into a corner and process the guilt. I know Man-Caves' and all, but it was necessary for me to get ahead with the days that would follow.
"Why don't you follow my lead today?" she asked using her fake baby voice and if that wasn't enough, just to be doubly sure she topped it off with her wide beautiful smile that instantly made me turn to give her the affirmative for an aswer.
I changed and we were out in no time; I stuck to the Merc for she had no mood to flaunt the Ashton. Directing me to get to the place we were going, she sometimes came close to hold my hand on the gear or the steering wheel and I removed myself in the pretense of having to do something else; to check on the directions or the weather or my email for that matter. Still seated in the passenger seat, she eyed me and had agnoy speaking through her eyes and yet I couldn't get myself to ask her what bothered her, nor did I move in to comfort her. We both knew what had caused the nippy weather in the car.
This restaurant? We were at the same one, the first time we had gone out together as a gang, the night she drank to fight the hold I had on her, a very sordid feeling to have experienced at that point. "Hum yahin pe lunch kar le te hain? Padsand haina aapko?" she chirped, attempting to make everything seem zesty between us, except my one heart that was failing to accept it.
I had parking karma that day and found one close to the restaurant as we walked in to be seated on the very same table we had taken last time.
"Strange…history is repeating itself" I claimed with an attempt to make small talk. Her spirits roared with the first mention of those words and she went on to drop her thoughts around it. "May be it's saying not to repeat history…and wants you to do everything that you had on your mind last time we were here…" she said, raising her eyebrows a couple of times, questioning me jocularly. Holding on to my hand from the other side of the table, she moved in to get closer inside the round booth.
"Boolgaye aap last time aap black pehne the…aur main white… lekin aaj main black main hoon aur aap white main hain" she plucked my collar as she mentioned one difference between the two trips to this restaurant. The waiter came around to get the order and Man! Did she order a spread? "Geet hum sirf do log hain…dus nahin…Yeh kya hogaya hain tumhe?". Without any response, she came close to kiss me and as I was about to pull back to understand what was going on, she tugged me closer by my shirt collar and gave me a forceful peck. "Geet…" I exclaimed in surprise for the public display of affection that she had never shown before.
"Maan…yahan pe koi nahin hain…and I wanted to do this the last time I was here…" she said with torment and I failed to recognize if it was for all the frigidness from today or for the guilt that was left behind from our last visit. Unable to see her in pain, I reached out to her and held her to ask what bothered her. "Geet…agar tum kuch kehna chahti ho to kaho…I don't want you to keep it to yourself" I declared and placed my other hand on hers that was now resting on my lap.
She turned to face me and spoke in a flat tone with her eyes down for she had looked away after the kiss. "Main…jaanti hoon mujhe aisa nahin kar na chaiye…aur aap ko bhi bura laga hoga…but please…mujhe…" she spoke and as those loaded words fell off of her, she tried to look up; perhaps the heaviness had come down for now the words were out.
"Geet…aisa kuch nahin…Main hi ek janwar ban gaya tha…muj main aur baki mard main koi pharak…" I responded to her guilt but before I could finish she cut me off with her finger pressed to my lips. "Nahin…please aisa mat kahiye…kya hum kuch daer ke liye woh sab bhool sakte hain…" she sounded derpressed and I wanted to ligten her spirits. She gave me the solution that very moment as she spoke once again to break the silence between us "Main NY main har woh jaga jaana chahti hoon jahan pe hum pehle gaye the lekin woh sab kar nahin paye, jo hamare dil main tha…jaise…".
She stopped to come close to hug me by my side and I gave in to hug her back, for I needed her warmth too. Oh! Geet I missed you too…my mental screams had reached her for now she turned to smile at me."Ek aur baat bool rahi ho… tum Meera ki godh main gir gayi thi pichli baar…Don't mind if you want to pick me this time" I said to get her silly self back, and she did, for now she was arguing with me about her drunken episode.
We wrapped up our late lunch and I got up with my hands folded to get her orders for our next destination. "So…next pit stop kahan pe madam?" I asked and to that she was silent. Hmmm what had I done now? "Geet ab main…" I called out to her, but she interrupted me to finish first. "Aap bhool gaye? uske baad hum Saturday ko bloomingdale's gaye the…aapko ye bhi yaad nahin…" she responded to the question I had in my mind and now it was clear why she made that face initially. "Haan..yaad hain…but why are we going there now? You want to buy something?" I flat out asked her.
"Nahin…main aap ke liye kuch kareed na chahti hoon.." she pleaded as she came closer and pulled my hand, to coax me "Please…please…let me". I rolled my eyes for she had still not given up on that shirt of hers. Ziddi.
We had no issues parking this time for it was only a Merc and not the AM. She held on to my arm with both her hands the whole time we walked around the store and not once she was ready to stay away from me, except for the time I wanted to try on the shirts. "And I wanted to be a chipku last time…" she claimed. "Oh! no problem chipkali…" I sniggered in response, for which she did take offense.
I had to settle for a shirt and she made me go for a black with pin black stripe Burberry, which to me was a classic with a modern take of what they usually made; not bad for her taste I thought. We were done at blooingdale's in a short while and I knew we were going to Central Park from there. For this I needed no reminders; it was the first time she had come close to hug me; that to me was a moment in space and time apart.
Green it was in our memory for we walked to the exact same spots where we had spent time the last time we had been together here. This place held its magic for it still had a thin layer of mist for a cold February evening. People had thinned out across the landscape and we had much of the space for ourselves to be all that we wanted to me. We walked over to the spot where I had settled in with my laptop and watched her play Frisbee with the kids.
Seating herself down beside me she spoke with sadness in her voice. "I so wanted to sit next to you that day, when I couldn't, I just moved away to be with those kids" she explained and I felt for her that minute. "Main ab tumhara paas hi hoon Geet…aaj ke baare me socho…I will give you all that you had ever yearned for…" I added and continued to turn to hold her cheeks. "Aur yeh mera ek aur wada hain…" I promised hoping to assure her. She closed her eyes and settled her face in my cupped hands and tears came down for me to wipe them away. "Lagta hain central park mein aate hi aap waada karna shuro kar dete hain…" she said in a playful tone for now she was smiling once again and the longing had disappeared in her voice.
Moving on to the fork, she ran around to come behind me and hugged; pulling me back, just the way it was done a few months ago. I couldn't help put a smile on my face. Why did it seem so different now? There was a strange feeling of contentment in the air as she tugged me closer and I held on to her hand that was on my chest and stroked it to make sure it was really there. The agony to have her was gone and she was indeed mine now and yet the fear of losing her once again didn't disappear altogether. She would be gone to SF in a few more days or weeks; I wasn't sure for that is how unpredictable the visa approval rates were. I wiped the thought off and closed my eyes to live in her hold as she rested her forehead on my shoulders from behind. It was surreal and very much earthy; complex beyond my underderstanding to discern the state of tranquility I was experiencing.
I was losing myself in our walk to the very spot she had promised to walk with me in this journey of life. I didn't grasp this morning why she had wanted to go to the same places we had visited prior to our marriage. Not too much time had passed since then, but my view had changed now and I wanted to thank her for making this happen; it had given me an opportunity to understand the peace we had collected over the anguish we had gone through those initial months. It was settling in that she was really mine and it helped ease with the guilt as well.
We stood there frozen trying to gaze at the stillness of the water, the leaves that lay scattered on the ground, the frost covered bark, mossy grren shrubs, and all that made that moment. Something cold touched my skin to perturb the serene instant; I looked down and she was now slipping something into my hand.
"Do you think it's something you would wear?" she questioned hesintantly seeking my approval than anything else that second. It was a dull silver flat plate that looked a kada, a men's bracelet. She tilted it slightly to reveal engraved letters and I my eyes followed to read the inscription. It read "Hot Chocolate…for the first breath of air...to live and love…forever".
"Its actually code…let's see if you can figure it out" she explained in a challenging tone. My eyebrows went up to show acknowledgement of the challenge that she presented to me.
"Ok…let me think alound…Hot Chocolate...It was the first words I said for my proposal…and first breath of air was sort of your proposal…so substituting them for the words….My proposal for your proposal, to live and love forever? Hmmm that doesn't sound so good…" I tried to piece it together with a perplexed look on my face.
She sniggered and added "You are close…its My love for your love…to live and love forever". "Aah" I exclaimed as it came to my grasp.
Letting out a drone "Hmmmmmm…" she continued with nervousness "but you didn't tell me if you will wear it?". I now turned to hold her and kiss her on the lips and affirmed that it was to stay on that very hand she had slid it on. "Haan Geet…Main mera Mishti ka diya hua koi bhi cheez kaise mana kar sakta hoon…aur vupar se mujhe yeh gift pasad bhi hain…it's not shiny either" I replied to assuage her of her edginess she was in. At that very moment she jumped with excitement to repeat the time she had lived at bloomingdale's "Haan…mujhe pata ta…that's why I picked the dull platinum…you had gone to try the shirts…and I was so worried if the jeweler could get the inscription done in such short span of time…". She continued with a smirk "Apparently you take longer time than me to decide…Babaji…I'm never coming out shopping with you". I was surprised at her statement; To get back at her I turned to lock her hands behind her and pulled her closer when I realized I had done it again, I was acting like a thug. "Oh! Sorry Geet…I don't know why…" I apologized instantly as I let her go. She was in tears.
"I have tainted your true expression towards me…Haven't I? I guess you are measuring every step now…" she squealed in pain and sobbed. Evening out her tone, as I still stayed closer to her, she took my hands to clutch both her arms and led me to take it behind her back. "This is the Maan I want…there is nothing he can do that could demean him in my point of view…Can I please have my Maan back?" she requested.
Mishti…"Can I please have my Maan back?"I wondered if I had ever received such a request before. I smiled in response for it was the sweetest gift she could ask of me and I was more than glad to surrender to her. She indeed had the panacea for all the bitter feelings I had faced that day.
I went on to hold her wrists tighter and kissed her passionately; she followed. As she let go of me, I was curious to know what called her to bestow such gifts and love upon me today "Kyon Misthi, aaj kaun sa special din hai…her highness is treating me so spcial and all"
Bringing upon the fake anger, she turned to fold her hands and walked to put distance between us. "Mujhe to yaad tha ki aaj hamara shaadi hue pura ek hafta ho gaya hain…but to you those things don't matter…I know" she announced with a tinge of disappointment. Aah! So that was it then; I faultered for a moment but I knew exactly what I had to do.
It was dark already; we had to move on and from here it was my cues that she was going to follow.
<Geet's monologue>
The evening had been flawless and he had graciously accepted all that I had thrown at him and called it gifts, including the silly bracelet. Hmm…perhaps it didn't look silly; it only looked like a kada. One had to look carefully inside to spot the inscription. It seemed like we had imprisoned each other in our love, for we each now had something on our hands; to remind ourselves to get back each other no matter where we were. I was ready to get back home as the cold wind pierced my skin, but he had other plans.
He drove us to the French bistro where we had had our first hot chocolate together and not to forget, it was also the first eat out, we had sat down alone to have a chat and grab a bite. I loved the hot chocolate there and so I had no complaints to spend some time before I could wind down at home. He walked me in, got us a table and sat me down as well. "Main abhi aata hoon Geet…tum yahi raho…do minute…call me if you need anythimg" he stated suddenly and left the bistro. I ordered for two hot chocolates and waited for him to get back. While he did, he was not empty handed, he carried a Mikimoto's bag and I knew what to expect.
"Water lilly am I right?" I cried out in excitement and he nodded to come sit close to me. Kissing me on the cheek, he gave me the bag and whispered into my ears "Agar tum special chahti ho…tho special it is…I was not going to let this go at any cost". At the same instant I was opening up to see the earing paired with a thin chain and a pendant, I couldn't help but scream at him "I know how much this costs…you shouldn't have…". He didn't look at me and was playfully arranging the stuff on the table and spoke in a flat tone "Geet…just don't argue…after we came here that night, the next time we went out was to get Daadima's gift…and this was the one I had always wanted to get you…so I would like it if you took it without arguments". Hmmm so now that I asked for my Maan back, I was getting it back already?. His authoritative side came out and shut me up but unable to dampen his spirits, I hugged him back. Kissing him I also called out a thank you to him. He let out a sigh of relief and we went on to enjoy our hot chocolate.
The warm blower at the entrance to the arpartment foyer brought relief to my skin. I pulled out my keys to check my mail for the previous mailbox and we moved on to get to the elevator. He had returned to be his playful self for now he couldn't keep his hands to himself. On our way to the apartment, he pinned me to the wall and kissed me fiercely ignoring that we were still in the elevator. "I think I want to take a shower…and mind you, you asked for your Maan back…" he warned me for all that was to come. I was coy to respond which I did after some thought for I still didn't know what his sentence meant, "Ok…Maan…I know…".
The door opened and he rushed us inside and at the same time, removed my necklace for me to try on the water lilly set. "Maan…I will wear it you know…"I spoke to slow him down. He calmed a bit to hug me from behind and stood there patiently until I changed to the new set he had gifted me. He ogled and that made me turn to him and bury my head in his shoulders. "Please aisa mat dekhiye…" I pleaded and he went on to tighten his hold around my waist and kissed my nape with raw passion. "I'm doing everything I wanted to do that day" he said in a sheepish tone. His hand moved to untie the strings and caressed my bare back. Unable to stand his touch I moaned in pain and weighed myself down on him. He must have thought it was best to move to the couch and so he lifted me to lay me down on the pile of mail I had thrown in there as we came in.
With mixed emotions, not knowing if I will be able to go through the whole way, I pulled out the mail underneath me and my hand fell on this particular envelope that had a familiar name. He came on top of me from the side where my feet rested, but was quick to notice that something else had taken my attention. Kneeling down for a moment, he sat back on the couch for now he knew that there wasn't anthing in the world that was going to take my eyes off that yellow bulk in my hand. It was my divorce decree back from Dev after the judge had attested it. I had already ripped open the rectangular yellow envelope and was eyeing the printed certificate. What was I seeing? All hell broke loose that moment and my blood must have swooshed and run down me head, for my mind didn't make sense of what I had just seen.
He saw me panic and pulled the certificate off my hands and eyed the same spot that had shocked me. He didn't react, but his face went pale and he starined his eyes to make sense of the number.
The decree was signed by a judge and was dated on top of his stamp. The confusion came to us from the watermark on the date part of the number. It for sure had number 1 and then the watermark, which didn't tell us if it was signed off and finalized on the 1st of February or to my utter disbelief later than February 9th. Babaji…yeh main kya dek rahi hoon? All that held true until that moment vanished into thin air like a puff of smoke? Or could it? My marriage to him?....
<Maan's monologue>
She had fainted and I had to tap her by her cheeks and call her by her name for quite some time to get her to her conscious self. "Geet…ab kuch nahin hua hain…Don't just panic…" I said to convince her, even when those words didn't get me out of shock I was in. She was sobbing now in my arms with a pained look on her face "Yeh baar baar mere saath hi aisa kyon hota hain Maan?...main toh pagal ho jaavoongi…" she screamed as her inner torments poached her alive. I had no clue what I could do to calm her down. This was indeed a strange a situation and not something normal couple would encounter in their daily lives. Should I assure her that we could marry another time if the decree had been signed later than the 10th? All those moments of peace and contentment in the park were mere illusions? It ached to question if she really was mine?
How could she have missed something so important before we went ahead with our marriage? I didn't know whom to blame. She had not consulted an attorney and I had not gotten her one either for I had stayed away from that part of her life all along. My insides screamed with anger, but simulteously sympathesized with her turmoil that she was in.
I didn't care what the date on that piece of paper was, but just one simple question now bothered me more than life itself. "Will she marry me once again, if we would have to do it all over?"
<Geet's monologue>
All those beautiful moments from my marriage and all that I had held close to my heart ever since were now bursting like bubbles kissed by warm air. My cocoon was being destroyed by a watermark, before I could emerge out as that beautiful butterfly.
It seemed to me that I was living the life of Hellen Quilley from the movie Sliding doors. In one split second her life was to change and she was to take one of the two parallel paths that the universe had destined for her. Where had I missed mine? What alternative path had I chosen, for it to lead me down this way? I frantically searched my mind to looks for cues to see if there was indeed an escape back to the divine day I had lived with him until now. Everything had changed at the sliding doors, when I had picked up my mail and walked straight into the elevator. There was just one fact that seemed clear and that to me was that I was rotting in hell alive.
Please post and comment...at least the like button...would love to you know your thoughts what you liked and hated the most.
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Cricket
12