~The Hazel Eyed Monster~ RM FF PT7 UPD Pg 8 - Page 6

Part 7

Muskaan adjusted her dupatta as she rushed towards the lifts. Running late once more, she was cursing under her breath as she impatiently waited for the lifts to arrive and take her to the nurse station. Why didn't she just sleep on time last night? Tapping her foot, she crossed and uncrossed her arms. When was the lift going to get here?

Just as the lifts opened, Muskaan jumped into it, pressing the button to go up to the ground floor.

"WAIT!" She heard someone shout.

Instinctively she pressed on the open button, as she saw someone running towards the lift from a distance. Squinting her eyes she tried making out who it was. As the person neared the lift, Muskaan's eyes widened as she realised the lean figure, the short hair and the light eyes. Her heart dropped. Her knees went week and her fingers turned white from pressing down on the button too hard.

No. Freaking. Way.

Not sure whether he had recognized her, Muskaan hid towards the side of the lift and furiously pressed on the 'close' button.

Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out.

She knew she was being childish and silly, but she did not want him in the lift with her. The old Muskaan would be doing what she was doing right now, but she didn't care. She couldn't face him. Not for a whole 5 minutes in the lift, trapped together.

Come on! Close! Muskaan thought desperately as she heard the footsteps get closer. Finally the doors started closing and she pressed down harder on the 'close' button.

"HEY! No! Stop!" She heard him shout and his footsteps got quicker and louder.

Please don't Muskaan thought as she pressed down faster.

Why the bloody hell is this not closing?!

Finally the doors shut and they started their slow ascend upwards. Just as the lift started moving, she heard a loud bang on the outside as he let out his frustration at the door.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Muskaan willed her body to relax. But her knees were still shaking and her breath was slightly shortened. Leaning her head against the cool metal of the lift, Muskaan forced her breath to even out and her body to stop shaking. She needed to get a grip on herself. Come on.

She couldn't let him control her like this anymore. He was over. He was past. And she had burned her past when she burned the old Muskaan.

Rushing to the nurse station, Muskaan hoped that her interns hadn't been waiting for long. Though she still hadn't had time to throw on her lab coat, or grab her stethoscope, or recover from a close encounter with him, Muskaan didn't ponder over anything much as she turned another corner and saw her interns standing in a circle waiting for their senior doctor.

Stopping in front of them, she quickly handed out their duties, and took them on their rounds, showing them their different patients. Questioning them on the way, Muskaan got absorbed in her work. Handing out different cases to each intern, Muskaan hoped that none of the patients would die at the end of the day. That would result in her filling out most paperwork, and while she was looking for more work to keep her mind occupied, the last thing she wanted to fill out was her intern's mistakes in diagnosing the patient.

Giving them the last few words of encouragement, Muskaan told them to get to work, report to her for anything, and then went on to do her own reports.

********

Muskaan had just finished her last report, and started the journey from her office to Dr. Shubhankar's to hand in her reports. She had just turned the corner, when she saw the arch in the wall, surrounded with plants and bright coloured walls, along with the red lockers against the walls. The tiny spaces in the lockers hardly allowed the interns to fill it with their desired possessions, however they still managed to find a way to stuff everything in there.

Muskaan was hit with a sudden sense of nostalgia as she passed it and remembered her intern year at Sanjeevani. Her first day at Sanjeevani, the bickering, the fighting, the patch-ups, the surgeries, the mistakes, the drama, Atul's comic timings, the festivals, the friendship, the experience, the love and the betrayal. In the entire year Muskaan had grown as a person and matured in her way of thinking. She was sure that if she had gone back after that year of internship, her family would not have recognised the same immature, impulsive Muskaan.

Now was an entirely different story. Muskaan had taken extra care to rid herself of the old personality and had almost achieved it. Building those tiny walls around her heart, she had almost managed to alienate herself from everyone, so much so that she had come close to expelling everyone from her heart and life.

Muskaan stared at the entrance of Sanjeevani. It seemed like yesterday that she had bounced her way into the hospital, one arm swinging by her side, while the other clutched onto her purse.She could still remember how she had brightly smiled at the sick patients, the nurses, the janitors and the doctors. Heck she had even smiled at Dr. Shashank Gupta, and he had passed her a confused, yet stiff smile, in return. She still remembered the cheerful and carefree attitude she brought to the hospital, and her heart clenched painfully in her chest as she thought of her glorious first year.

Feeling her breath shortening, and her hands shaking, Muskaan took a small step back. She couldn't do it. It had been a week since she had been forced back home to sort herself out. And now that the week was finished, Muskaan had to resume her duties as a doctor. She had been unable to sleep last night, tossing and turning, thinking about the events that would follow the next day.

Even as she stood at the entrance, she could practically feel the pitying glances of everyone that walked past. It was almost as though she had a label on her head that gave away every tragedy that happened to her in her life.

Taking another small step back, Muskaan tried forming excuses in her brain as to why she couldn't go to the hospital. She could call in sick. People fell sick all the time. The only problem was that Dr. Keerti would see right through the lie.

Ever since Nikki and Atul had found her in her bed, in a disarray, someone had dropped in time-to-time to check up on her. While her heart was touched by this, she felt as though she was suffocating from their affection and concern. She needed the space to come to terms with what Rahul had done. Even as she thought of his name, her heart gave a jolt and the painful memories rushed by her. She was still not over it. How could she be? How can you forget someone you have been in love with? How?

Muskaan wanted answers, and she wasn't getting them at the hospital. She was worried that if she stepped inside, she would be flooded with memories of him, with how they had sneaked a few alone moments in every nook and corner of the hospital, how he would slide his arm across her waist in the locker rooms and whisper sweet nothings to her, how he would give her a smile that would stretch across his whole face every time he saw her in the morning. She was afraid that if she went back she wouldn't be able to hold up.

If she took a step inside, she would be paralyzed with his memories, and have a break down once again. She couldn't go through it again. It was too painful.

Giving out a shuddering breath, Muskaan took another step back. She couldn't do it. She couldn't go back to the hospital; to the place which had held most of her beautiful memories. To the place where she had learnt to love, to give and expect nothing in return, make beautiful friendship, help people. She couldn't step inside it and not be faced with her haunting past – the same past she was currently trying to hide from.

Her eyes were fixated on the name, 'Sanjeevani'. The blue colour against the white background immediately cast a soothing spell on Muskaan's nerves. This was the same sign she had stared at on her first day of internship...the pride and the joy filling every part of her as she had stared at the sign.

Now there was dread. Fear of going inside and facing everyone. Fear of not being able to make it through the day. Dread of collapsing under the reminders of her past.

'Come on' She told herself, fisting up the sides of her suit, 'come on. You can do it' She chanted in her head. She had to do this. If not for herself, then for her friends.

They had tried to be there for her, comforting her, and supporting her. If she backed away now, it would mean that they had failed; and Muskaan did not want someone else to feel like a failure.

She felt like a failure. She had failed at holding on to Rahul. Her love hadn't been strong enough.

Snapping out of her daze, Muskaan stared emotionlessly at the locker room. The interns were at duty, meaning that no one would have seen her, staring dead at the lockers. Muskaan's heart clenched painfully as she realised that even though he had returned to Sanjeevani, nothing was the same.

The old Muskaan was long gone and buried. She was never going to return.

********

Muskaan had just finished scrubbing in on a successful surgery, and was patiently washing her hands under the water. Who would have thought that the blood-afraid Muskaan would soon be training the interns on how to handle the most severe situations? Who would have thought that Muskaan would no longer feel queasy at the sight of blood?

Gettnig rid of her scrubs, Muskaan made her way towards her office. The long, tiring day was taking a toll on her, and she really wanted some alone time. She was also trying her hardest to avoid being with him. She had to face him someday, but she wasn't ready now. She couldn't face him now.

Turning a corner, Muskaan was so absorbed in her thoughts, that she didn't see the person in front of her, and collided head-on. Giving out a groan, Muskaan muttered an apology and rubbed her head to soothe the pain away.

Looking up she saw Dr. Shubhankar standing there, scowling and rubbing his head.

"Sorry Doctor, I wasn't watching where I was going" Muskaan explained, and stepped to the side to let him pass.

Shubhankar waved her apology away, and put a hand on her shoulder. Giving her a searching look, he said, "Are you okay Dr. Muskaan?"

Muskaan knew what he was hinting. So she did what she had been doing all this while.

She smiled and nodded. "Of course Doctor. I am perfectly alright"

He didn't believe her, and said, "I am trying my hardest to make it hell for him. Giving him case reports to file out"

Muskaan felt her smile twitch at that. Even though he was the chief, and his hands were relatively tied, he was still looking out for her. He gave her a wink, and walked away from there.

Muskaan stared after him, feeling a sense of happiness taking over. She had no idea that the people at the hospital had become so attached to her. That they were ready to stand up for her and fight whoever hurt her.

What was she doing? Why was she wallowing in self pity? She should be getting on her feet and fighting her way through this.

She was a fighter. She knew that. She could do this. If her friends could, so could she.

Muskaan made her way to the office, and for the first time in 4 years, the smile did not vanish from her face.

Hopefully you liked it! Thank you so much for reading! :)

~Sweety