FF An ugly truth part 35 pg 97 1.7.11 (new) - Page 69

Hey guys!
Thanks for all the lovely comments and messages. Truly, I feel so special knowing that you have given this story such an important place in your hearts! Love you loads!
I hope you will enjoy the next part. I just want to say that I am not trying to make any kind of statement pro-, or against, abortion. This is not the right place or the right time to do any of these things and I hope you will understand why I said this when you read the update.
Thank you very much once again, ignore mistakes and please drop some comments.

__________________________

PART 35

"You are trying to kill her, aren't you?" Jigyasa barged into Jai's bedroom that night while he was still working.

"What?" Jai slightly shook his head in confusion as he stared at his laptop screen.

"If you want to kill her then do it in one shot. Pistol lo aur taan do. Ek hi jhatke me us bechari ko mukti mil jaaye. Ek larki ko tarpa tarpa kar maarne me kya mardaangi?"

Jai finally looked up from his laptop. "Aap kisi baat kar rahi hai?" he asked. He had just managed to focus on the excel sheet in front of him. His encounter with Bani earlier that day had taken a lot of energy and he hadn't been able to focus in the three meetings after her visit. For hours Jai had stared at the numbers on his screen, and when he finally had been able to concentrate, Jigyasa had barged in hurling her accusations at him

His sister glared at him. "Kya tum sach me nahin jaante?"

"Aap batayengi tab hi mai jaan paunga na?" Jai spoke in an annoyed tone of voice. He had been angry at Jigyasa ever since she has stopped speaking to him without trying to find out the truth. She had never asked anyone for any clarification, but chosen sides without speaking to any of them. She had a right to be angry, yet the judgement had hurt him.

On the other hand, Jai had no right to say anything about judgements. His judgements had destroyed his life and the only person whom he could blame was he himself.

"Bani ki baat kar rahi hoon."

"Kya huwa usko?"

"Anjaan banne ki koshish mat karo. Tumne kya kaha usse aaj ki woh abortion ke liye raazi ho gayi?" Jigyasa demanded to know.

"Jo kuch bhi kaha sahi kaha maine." Jai said. "Usko koi haq nahin ke apni zindagi ke saath, mere zindagi ke saath khele."

"Usko haq nahin, par tumhe hai, Jai? Kya tumhe haq hai ki tum us larki ki poori zindagi ujaar do?!" Jigyasa didn't ask as much as she taunted him. "Dhokha tumne use diya!" Jigyasa pointed towards him. "Jhooth tumne bole usse! Yeh poori kahaani tuimse shuri huwi Jai!"

" To ab kya karoon? What should I do? I have begged, pleaded to her! I got down on my knees to ask her for forgiveness! I begged her to listen to me! But she didn't!"

"To chilla chilla kar usko mana liya?"

"So I shouldn't have?" Jai asked sarcastically. "Marne doon usko?"

" Tum to waise hi usko maar rahe ho." Jigyasa accused him. "Aaj nahin to kal!"

"Didi!"

"What? If she gives birth to your child she might die in a few months! If she aborts the child it might take years for her body to die, but she will not be more than that, just a body! And you have decided to let her die, slowly!"

"Yes!" Jai shouted. "I have. Because that is how I am! I'm the worst person in this world and I only want to kill her! Mujhe koi parwa nahin hai ki woh kya karti hai. Woh chaahe jeeye ja mare, mujhe koi farq nahin parta na!"

Jigyasa couldn't even begin to sympathise with him. Her anger was greater than her love for her brother, especially when she heard him shout at her.

"Tum aadmi kahan ho, Jai? Tum to bhagwaan ho, na?" Jigyasa said cynically. "You can make all the decisions. For your petty issues and revenges you can use anyone, can't you? And when it blows up in your face you yell and scream until…"

"Tum dono yahaan jaanwaron ki tarah lar rahe ho!" No one had seen Mausi standing in the doorway. The usually calm face had turned red when she screamed at both her nephew and niece. "Kisi ne yeh socha ki wahaa woh larki akeli hai?"

"Frustrate ho gaya hoon main! Paagal ho gaya main!" Jai shouted. "Pyaar se kahi huwi baat uski samajh me nahin aati hai. Maine ki to mere sar par divorce ka talwaar latka diya usne!" Jai stood up from his seat, massaging his temples with his fingers."

"To badle me tumne uska sab kuch maangliya?" Jigyasa asked. "Yeh sab tumhaara kiya-dhara hai!" she pointed towards him.

"Yeh mujhe bhi pata hai!" Jai angrily turned towards her. "Baar baar yaad dilaane ki koi zaroorat nahin hai!"

Mausi didn't know what the matter was, nor did she care. She only knew that her family was drifting apart.

"Kiski galti thi mujhe usse koi lena-dena nahin hai." Mausi screamed. "Mujhe bas itna pata hai ki yeh ghar narak ban gaya hai! Aur mujhe is ghar me shaanti chaahiye!" she was contradicting her own words when she shouted at two members of her own family.

"Aap teeno yahaan kar kya rahe hai?" Aditya entered the room, panting and gasping for breath after he ran up the stairs hearing the raised voices. He looked at his wife who, in turn, looked angrily at her brother.

"Jigyasa?"

She just huffed and stomped out of the room. Mausi sighed when she watched Jigyasa leave. Aditya hugged the dejected woman sideways. "Mai samjhaata hoon usko. This won't happen again Mausi, I promise."

A careful smile appeared on her face before she patted his hand and left Aditya with Jai.

"You shouldn't let Bani do this Jai. She won't survive the abortion." Aditya spoke hesitantly.

"I can't let her die Jiju." Jai whispered. "I can't let her die in labour. Didi is right. Whatever happened wrong in Bani's life is because of me. I am the cause of all her problems."

"You are forgetting that you are the reason for her happiness too." Aditya reminded him.

"Was" Jai said. "I was."
"You are. And it is your job to let her seen that you still want her happiness."

"I can't give her that. It will kill her." Jai couldn't afford to let tears slip from his eyes. If the dam to his emotions burst right now it would take a lot of effort to pull himself back together. It would be an even bigger task not to let everything and everyone flood along with his emotions.

"How can you be so sure?" Aditya asked. "She is monitored by the best doctors. Speak to them."

"I know what they are going to say, Jiju." Jai answered exasperated. "This child could be her death. She will get weaker and weaker during her pregnancy because this child will take up all her energy and strength. Her body can't handle carrying a child yet. You really wouldn't think that I would like to kill my own child, Jiju?" Jai turned towards Aditya. The older man's heart shattered when he saw the lost look in Jai's eyes. Even though he had denied caring about the

child before, the decision to force his own wife to abort a child, their child, had torn Jai up too. And the only way he could vex his frustration was by screaming, yelling, ranting and raving at everyone that came in his vicinity and shook his delicate equilibrium.

"I have to choose between two evils. I'm just trying to pick the evil I might be able to repent for. Jai smiled faintly. "Humaara baccha shayed samajh bhi jaae, mujhe maaf karde. Par agar Bani ko kuch ho gaya to mai khud ko kaise samjhaunga, uske maa-pappa ko kya jawaab dunga?"

"Pata nahin." Aditya mumbled when he heard the pain in Jai's voice and the quiver in it. "I really don't know what you should do, Jai. I can't even imagine what I would do."

At the same time, across the city, Bani had tried very hard to catch a few hours of sleep, but her mind was not at ease. She couldn't relax. One hand kept protectively on her stomach, she lay staring at the ceiling for several hours now. She wished she could feel her child, just once. She wished she could keep this child, feel it grow, feel it move, see it grow up, smile, play, laugh, dance, enjoy life, study, fall in love and have a family of their own. She had imagined this child tucked safely in her husband's arms, being rocked to sleep. Bani had woven so many dreams with this child, even though she knew that she might not survive the delivery. To be honest, the chance of her surviving the delivery seemed less and less every day, even to her. She had been to the clinic to make an appointment and encountered her gynaecologist in the hallway. Hoping that he would convince her to keep the child, give her a tiny ray of hope that she would survive this delivery and she wouldn't have to do the abortion, Bani shared her decision and watched her gynaecologist sigh in relief.

"I have been worried for you Mrs. Walia and your husband has shared his worries with me too. I am glad you have decided to do this."

Bani swallowed the chunk that had formed in her throat and nodded.

The doctor instantly produced a file that had her name written on every page and every chart and explained in detail what influence her low blood pressure was having on her, how the count of her red blood cells aren't in her favour, how her body would resist the pregnancy, how other similar cases had worked out and what the prognosis of her pregnancy would be according to him.

Bani just nodded while the doctor showed her charts, diaphragms and letters from other gynaecologists, who had been asked for a second opinion on her husband's insistence. As professionals, they had all had come to the same conclusion. Bani, a mother, had to consent to let her child be removed from her. And she finally consented with pain in her heart and guilt towards her child. Her doctor had managed to find a spot in his schedule for the next day. The abortion would be performed in his clinic and she just had this one night to apologise and love her child. That was why Bani was stroking her stomach softly while she stared at the ceiling and thought of everything she wanted to give her child. It all paled in comparison to what she would not be able to give her child. A father who is not afraid or restricted in any way to show his feelings and the comfort of a mother's loving arms.

"We love you." Bani whispered. "Everyone does. Dadi, nanu, nani, Jigyasa bua, Karuna bua, Aditya phupha, Vinay phupha, Ranveer bhaiya, Samar bhaiya, Anu didi." She named every member of her family. "But most of all, your daddy loves you. Even more than he loves me or anyone else. Yet he is afraid to show it. He lost a lot of people in his life. And now he has too choose between you and me. It's not a choice really. My body is working against me." She tried to hold back her tears. "Your daddy thinks he has to protect me. I'm his responsibility and after everything that happened in our marriage, he chose his responsibility towards me over his love for you. I know he sees this as a kind of punishment for himself. But there is nothing to be punished for." She whispered to her child.

Bani rolled on her side stroking her baby and calming her own frayed nerves. "You know how I met your daddy?" tears slipped down her cheeks.

It took Jai a lot of effort to get out of bed that particular morning. It took even more courage to get ready and face this day. He tried to prolong his morning routine as much as possible, but hiding in his shower wouldn't do. Bani needed him. She had left a message yesterday to share her final decision and the subsequent appointment that was made. Today at two she would be prepped. An hour later their child would be gone.

He didn't eat that day, cancelled all his appointments and stared at the blank computer screen on his desk, hearing every minute and every second tick by until his phone beeped and alerted him of the fact that Bani would have left the apartment by now. In an hour she would be prepped.

After a maddening drive he found himself in front of the clinic just in time to see Bani turn around the corner of the street, walking at her own pace and lost in her own thoughts.

Jai locked his car and stood near the door waiting for her. She didn't see him when she walked past him through the door. He quickly followed her and tapped her on her shoulder. The sight that greeted him stunned him.. Her face was pale and her eyes were red and swollen, but they couldn't hide the surprise in them. Surprised at his presence here.

"What are you doing here?" Bani asked. Her voice was soft, broken.

"i…I…' Jai stammered. "I wanted…"

The beginning of a smile appeared on Bani's face. She ran her eyes over his face, which would probably tell her of his restless night and day, and took his hand in hers. After a long time she had touched him willingly, not to prove a point, not to push him away, but to let him be a part of her life.

" The third floor. We need to be there."

__

"The doctor will be with you in a minute." The nurse smiled at the couple and left the room. The doctor had decided to give Bani local anaesthetics. A sonogram had been made already. It was the last look they were granted of their child. It was the last look that had stunned Jai into silence. Bani lay on the bed while she stared at the ceiling. She was trying her best to hold back her tears. She couldn't even touch her stomach, she had said her goodbyes last night. It felt wrong to do this, but at the same time, it was the right thing to do. She looked besides her. Jai sat next to her with an ashen face. The special colourful clothing he needed to wear just to be with her in this room only emphasised the paleness of this face. His hands lay next to her on the bed and trembled. He never got the chance to say what he really felt. Bani took his hand and ignored his shock when she let it rest on her stomach.

"He knows, Jai. Our baby knows you love him…or her."

Jai looked at the floor. He didn't want to cry. He had been pressurizing her to get this abortion done. But now…

"Will you bless this baby, Jai?" Bani asked him. " Isse jaane do, iski jagah yahan nahin hai. There is a place where there is joy and laughter and happiness." Bani whispered. "He might be able to go there with his father's blessings."

Jai didn't have any time to react. He only clenched Bani's hand when the doctor came in. That small gesture gave her comfort and peace. Maybe it gave their baby the same feelings.

With the doctor standing at the end of the bed fear crept in again. She saw the tools he was going to use and stopped him.

"Doctor." Bani mumbled nervously. "Will it hurt?"

"You might feel some discomforting cramps, but.."

"No" she stopped him immediately. " The baby. Will this hurt the baby?" she managed to ask.

It took a while for the doctor to formulate a reasonable answer. Normally he saw mothers who wanted to be out of here as fast as possible and get on with their lives. It was the first time a patient asked him this particular question.

"Mrs. Walia, the foetus's senses have not developed yet. Therefore the foetus will not experience any pain." His discomfort must have prompted Bani to ask:

"Are you sure?"

"Without nerves it is not possible to feel anything, so it is unlikely the foetus will feel anything."

"But I don't know for sure." was what Bani understood. How could he know? He knew the theoretic side of medicine, but till date no foetus, as he called it, had cried out in pain and agony. But Bani did cry while the doctor performed his job.

Seeing his wife in distress stirred Jai out of his silence. He didn't care what the doctor would think or say when he threw his arm around her

"Mere bacche ko dard to nahin hoga na?" Bani sobbed in his arms.

He couldn't do anything besides lowering his head on the pillow she rested her head on while he comforted her with soft caresses.

"Look at me." Jai gently turned her face towards him. He brushed every tear from her face that streamed down in rivulets and pierced his heart with every pearl-like drop.

"Do you think our child will be happy to see you cry like this?" Jai whispered in her ear. "Tumhe rote huwe dekh kar use aur bhi dukh hoga. Stop crying okay." He brushed his lips over the soft skin of her cheek. "Our baby will go to that place you described. With sunlight and joy and happiness. Lots of space to play and laugh. You know what…" Jai said.

"My parents are there. They will care for our child. make sure our baby is safe and happy until he has to come back to earth. Aur tab use ek behtar zindagi milegi. Jisme dher saari khushiyan hoon. Maybe even with better parents than we will ever be. Don't you want that for our child?"

She nodded and tried to stop her tears, even when she felt the cramps the doctor had mentioned and the emptiness that followed. She wanted to scream in an attempt to stop the emptiness in her womb, but in the end….she couldn't. Jai held her the entire time until the doctor announced the end of the procedure.

Bani was wheeled out of the room. After a day of being advised not to eat Bani got a sandwich and a cup of sweet tea. Her husband sat by her bed watching the empty look in her eyes and her fingers entwined over her stomach.

"Sweetheart." Jai rubbed the back of his fingers against her cheek. She looked startled when he called out to her. Jai held a piece of the sandwich against her lips. "Eat this." She complied, even though it took her a while to really understand what he wanted her to do before she finally bit of a piece of the bread. A few bites later Bani directed his hand to his own mouth. "It's cheese, you'll like it."

She tried to sit up and reach for the cup of tea, but was pushed back into the hospital mattress quickly.

"You shouldn't get up yet." Jai spoke gruffly and held the cup to her lips. The tea tasted sweet on her tongue. Just a few sips of the brew stopped the trembling of her fingers and she pushed the half-full cup to Jai.

" Drink some too." Bani said in a hoarse voice. Jai's obedience to all her instructions made her want to smile, until she saw another woman being wheeled in the room looking white as a sheet and mumbling to herself. She didn't want to see anyone who came out of that damned room. She didn't want to hear anything that had to do with the death of her baby.

Bani closed her eyes and whispered in a throaty voice. "Neend aa rahi hai."

"Then sleep. I will wake you up in a few hours." Jai set the cup on a tray and hovered next to the bed like a mother-hen until he heard Bani's deep and rhythmic breathing.

It hurt so much. Knowing that the tiny life, that would have brightened their life, was no more. Knowing that he had pressured the woman he loved to do something her heart and mind were not ready for, even if it was to save her life. He felt like a murderer. Every bit of hope of having a normal relationship, a normal life, seemed to dwindle in front of him. He wondered how many blows he had to face. How many blows would be dealt to the both of them? Was he such a horrible person? Didn't he deserve happiness? Maybe he didn't for all the lies he had told before, for the deception he had planned. And his wife had unwittingly become involved in the result of his own actions. Maybe it was the ultimate punishment God could mete out to him. He had to see Bani in pain because of himself. He had not cared for her like he was supposed to do, he didn't protect her from pain and deceit, instead he had given her pain and betrayal instead. Did he have the right to call her his wife?

Apparently he did. The dainty mangalsutra around the neck of the woman lying on the bed, the mangalsutra he had tied as a symbol of their marriage, the ring, made out of white gold and set with the purple amethyst stone he had picked out and put around her finger, the symbol of his commitment to her, and the golden engagement ring he had not cared about when he slid it around her finger but had meant a lot to his wife, because it was the first thing he ever gave her, told him she was still his wife. It was a comforting thought, Jai had decided when he entwined his fingers with hers and rested his head on an empty space on the bed with a loud yawn. He lost the struggle to stay awake when his eyes closed on their own.

Fifteen minutes late Bani woke up, hearing a nurse step softly in the room.

She tried to turn to her side when she felt her hand being restricted. Looking down next to her she found her hand clasped in Jai's, just like he had done numerous times before. Jai was fast asleep with his head resting on the bed, while he sat uncomfortably in the chair.

Bani motioned the nurse to speak softly when she asked her some questions and gave her an antibiotic, a prescription for pain medication and her discharge papers. She could leave in an hour, after the doctor did a final check-up and signed the papers. The nurse left quietly with a smile on her lips, watching her patient forlornly run the fingers of her free hand through her husband's hair, who, in his turn, just sighed and pulled his wife's hand closer to him while he buried his head deeper in the mattress.

"Someday they will make great parents." The nurse thought to herself.

**

Jai looked sheepishly at the doctor when the man smiled at him. Caught sleeping while his recovering wife was wide-awake had embarrassed him a great deal, but he tried not to let it show.

"Mrs. Walia." The gynaecologist looked at her. "Everything is fine. No complications. You are free to go home. I do want to see you regularly, like before."

Bani nodded obediently. Nothing was fine, not for her, but she had to live with it. The emptiness inside her that was tearing her apart would be a constant reminder of what she had, just two hours ago, and what she had lost.

"I need to change." Bani plucked at the hospital gown she got to wear earlier that day. Jai nodded. She disappeared in the small bathroom attached to the hospital room, not before Jai could see the lost look on her face. Horrorstories he read online, horrorstories about depressed women, women who couldn't face their abortion and did something terrible, filled his mind. He couldn't let her be on her own and he told her so when she stepped into the room.

"But. I can't come home Jai." Bani spoke softly. She wrapped a shawl over her sweater and fiddled with the tassels that were stitched on the ends, while she stared at the floor.

"Why not?"

"Ghar par…everyone will look at me Jai. With pity." Her eyes were filled with tears. " I don't want to see that."

"They won't pity you." Jai freed her hand from the tassels. "They love you, they care for you."

"I can't face them today, please."

Jai consented. At least she had not denied his presence. She needed him today, as much as he needed to be with her. So be it in the apartment she stayed in, the place didn't matter.

In the short drive to her apartment, during which Jai picked up her medication, Bani huddled herself in the leather of the car seat. She said nothing, but her silence said enough to Jai. She was in pain and the pain wasn't only physical. After reaching the apartment and forcing her to eat a sandwich before she insisted on a quick shower, Jai tucked her in bed in the guest room, where she normally slept. With the bedroom door ajar, Jai sat on the uncomfortable sofa randomly leafing through files he had in a briefcase in his car, while his ears were focussed on every sound that came out of the guestroom. Hours later, when the sun had already set, and after he had made the necessary call to his family to say that 'it had been done', without divulging any details, Jai hesitated outside the guestroom. It seemed ironic that after a year of marriage Jai didn't have the courage to step inside the room and lay down next to his wife, just because he feared being rejected by the woman he loved. But even if he was rejected, Jai wanted to be here for her. It didn't matter that the memory of this last night with her would have to suffice for the rest of his life. And he didn't want to make a different choice when Jai heard Bani sigh deeply, miserably and cover her stomach with her hand as she turned on her side in her sleep.

Jai crawled in next to her and pulled her close to him. Her hand automatically left her stomach when she turned towards him while her eyes fluttered open.

"Jai?" He arranged the covers around the both of them.

"Hmm."

"Shouldn't you go home? It's late. "

"Not tonight. Are you still hurting?"

Bani shook her head and closed her eyes again.

"Go to sleep. I'll be here if you need me."

She wept in her sleep that night and Jai wept with her, knowing that it was the only way they could mourn the death of their child. He kept her close to him the entire night, watching her fitfully drift in and out of slumber, until he knew for sure that she was healthy otherwise. She didn't have any of the symptoms the doctor had asked to look out for in case of a deterioration of her health, nor was she panicking or scared as he had read online in accounts of the experiences of other women. Exhausted, he closed his eyes for a few hours the following morning.

Bani woke up to the smell of coffee. Just for a moment she panicked, wondering who might be in the apartment besides her, until she remembered what happened yesterday. Immediately she felt the hollowness in her womb hit along with a wave of despair. She dropped herself back on the mattress and stared at the empty space next to her for a long time.

**

Jai set a garish tray on the kitchen counter. He had not been able to find a single cup that did not look like a golden atrocity and he had searched in every cupboard he saw. With pieces of toast, eggs, cups of coffee, glasses of juice and medication he set off to wake his wife, only to find her awake and sitting in bed, looking at him. The tray he had so carefully made nearly slipped out of his hands when he heard her voice in a barely audible whisper .

"Jai, will you permit me to come back home, to you?"

😭😭that was da most heart breaking update...😭

u did an aamzing job 👏

iam going 2 say again dat plz update soon...as i always do😆

thank u 4 dis beautiful update...i am hoping derez loadz ov romance in next update 2 cheer us😉