Chapter 11.
April 20, 2016.
Shravan:
Ten days. Ten days have passed from the time she rambled out her frustrations to me. And after that, she had refused to talk to me. She said, she needed space. And, honestly who was I to say no to her? I hadn't been fair to her. Not even a bit.
The guilt of kissing Esha, the resident doctor, was killing me already and not telling her the same almost buried ten feets, down the earth. When had I become a person who couldn't even be loyal?
I knew I had to tell her about it soon, though. As soon as I must.
I shut the file in front of me and stretch my legs as much as I could. I was beyond tired. With everything that was on the back burner in my mind during every waking second, I was exhausted. And, anyway being a doctor took its toll on each one of us, someday.
Just yesterday, Nitya, a little girl of 5 was brought to the hospital, with a head injury. She had bled profusely and even though my team and I operated on her immediately because that was the hour of the need, we still couldn't save her. It was so disheartening to feel her pulse slow down and ultimately fade out beneath my fingers.
What's worse is to deliver the horrible news to the parents of the child. You are literally telling them that their life is no more.
Yesterday, Suman was with me throughout the ordeal. Even though she hadn't said a word to me, her fingers between mine and the little squeeze she gave to my hand, made me feel better instantly.
It is so funny.
This thing called love.
Or whatever.
How it calms you and how it gives you multiple reasons to freak out too.
Even, much more amusing was the fact that I didn't know if this was love, anyway? I chose to believe otherwise. I always chose to believe that way.
I take off my glasses and keep them on the table in front of me.
I have to tell her. She deserves to know.
I stand up and walk to the door of my cabin, determined to go and see her and tell her what a horrible thing I have done. What a stupid I was.
But the minute I pull the door open, I'm greeted with a tear stricken face of hers and I knew, I just knew that she knew what I was going to tell her, already.
"How..how could you?" She whispered. I had never seen her so dishevelled. Her eyes were red and her nose was the same too. Her lips were so dry. Perhaps she had been crying for too long. And knowing that, made me feel so much more awful than I already felt.
"Come in." I hold her arm gently and she shrugs it off.
She was angry. It was all on her face.
"
April 20, 2016.
Suman:
"Don't." I warn him. He really thought he would just try dragging me inside and save himself from all the chaos and then tell me few things and I would calm the f**k down?
Because he was wrong.
I might, really might have fallen in love with him but that, in no way, gave him the power to stomp on me whenever he liked.
"Sumo." His voice was gentle but that did nothing to me.
I was that fire that was unstoppable in this moment.
"Shravan Malhotra. I'm done with you. We are done right here. You..." I push my index finger against his chest.
"..Stay away from me."
With that, I wiped the tears that were flowing down my eyes.
I wasn't crying because he kissed Esha. I was crying because I felt like a fool. I really didn't want to know why he kissed her. The point wasn't even that. The point was he did, he did so even when I might have been on his mind. Perhaps, I wasn't important. And perhaps, I really was nothing more than his stupid deal.
"We are over." I mutter with an air of finality in my word and walk away, leaving him startled. It was on his face. His eyes were wide and he looked taken aback.
If he really thought he could have pursuaded me after doing this, he was wrong.
"
Present. (Six months after Suman's pregnancy.)
Shravan:
I had never given her my reasons for not being able to love her.
I never gave her any reasons for having to leave that place, for leaving her.
Six months had passed since she contacted me and asked me to come back.
I haven't heard a word from Pushkar. He had hardly talked to me. And, I don't even hold him responsible for it. I haven't done any single thing that I can demand care and attention for.
The time I spent with Suman was undeniably short. But, it still was etched so deeply in my head and soul alike. When I wake up, everyday, I think of her. When I sleep, I dream about her.
Little things, in the whole day, keeps reminding me of her.
If I see orchids, it makes me think how happy she would have been if I would've gotten her a bunch of it. They were her favourite flowers.
White chocolate reminded me of her. They are so excessively sweet. Just like how her mouth tasted against mine. Sweet beyond a limit. They were her favourite chocolates, too.
When the sky is blue and clear, after many many days of snowing, she flashes in front of my eyes. She always wanted us to go on one picnic together in a weather as bright as this one.
When I make a coffee for myself and it is too strong, I would smile remembering how her nose would cringe when she would have a sip of it. She couldn't stand such a strong coffee. And I couldn't live without one.
We were different. But she was still all that I wanted to keep myself happy. And, it didn't even have to do anything with us being physical.
It's so ridiculous that I pushed away the only person who made me so ecstatic. Why?
Because I was scared.
Because I was scared that we'd fall out, badly. We'd choose different things. We'd want different things. And eventually, that would lead us to not wanting each other.
I admit it, I'm a coward. I never told her how much in this whole world did I fear only one thing. And that was love.
Things that happened in my life before she came in, gave me all the reasons to believe so.
I wish she'd have come earlier in my life. Before I turned so twisted.
And so hard. So hard on myself.
I send a silent prayer to whoever is the higher authority in this world to keep my Sumo safe and happy. To keep my baby healthy.
More often than not, I would think about our baby.
And feel like such a crappy person. I wasn't supposed to abandon own baby. But I was.
There was no justification that would feel valid in front of what I was doing.
I called Pushkar. After six whole, long months. Sometimes, taking your space and being away really does teach you alot. Because from the last whole week I had been contemplating on my decisions. And I knew I was doing wrong.
Could I keep doing wrong when I knew so?
I don't think so.
My heart sped faster with every ring that I could hear. Why wasn't Pushkar just picking up his phone, already?
"
Present.
Suman:
I couldn't believe it. This..this baby that was growing inside of me.
This baby that was giving me strength everyday to get over the douch who helped create this little one.
This baby who I was beginning to love every day more than myself. More than anybody.
This baby that was a part of me. And a part of him.
This baby which was ours; which related me to Shravan for life, was ..no more?
The immense pain in my abdomen, the loud and frantic shouts that followed of Preeti-Pushkar around me while they took me to the hospital, barking on the doctors to attend to me asap and then waking up in the room that heavily smelled of Phenyl, it was all clear. My hand was on my tummy immediately and a low scream escaped my throat. It felt hollow.
It felt just as hollow as the cavity I felt in my stomach.
The baby was gone.
Just like Shravan. The baby was gone, forever.
---
Holla guys.
I know I update very very late. The only excuse for it is that I get stuck with my studies.
Nonetheless, I hope this chapter was alright? Because i have mixed feelings about it.
Please, please let me know what you think. Having a review is always awesome.
And thank-you to everybody who consistently does so.
Love,
Palak.
Shiv Shakti
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
