The confession
Chapter 1 [come back]
That night our friendship ended ...
We were sitting on roof, cold air was blowing. It was very familiar. We often hang out on roof and chill with coffee but that night something was off.
As usual her head was on my shoulder. She seemed to be asleep in peace but one I knew she was anything but asleep. But not thing I could not understand that why could she understand my inner turmoil. Why could not she hear the cracking sound my heart is making whenever she is near me as she always seems so far away from me. I really wish that she would hold me close to her and will give me an arm to lie on. I am breaking inside. Dying every moment. Yet I can't express it to her.
I asked her if she really wanted to do it. Then I said if she does it then I will not let her back. If you take step forward once then your idiot will go away forever.'
I was taken aback by her respond. She said he has to go, Neil. For us he has to go. Our friendship became over prime enemy. If I have to take this step then i have to break our friendship.'
A sharp dagger cut through my heart. The pain was unbearable; I just can never imagine Neil without Sam. I was supposed to follow her everywhere. Idiot should always be where his samunder singh is. What will he do without her? It's like snatching his very existence.. no one to follow. Like being orphan all of a sudden.
With one last hope i asked is there no way to save this friendship' without looking at her eyes. ...she said if there is friendship there will be no place to love.' I know. If i will be there she can't be with her love Arjun. She loves Arjun and now he is getting divorce. It's her only chance to marry him and to fulfil her dream and she is all ready to take that step. I don't want to be the barrier between them anymore but i can't help it. I just can't see her in someone else's arms.
She held my face up; still I had no guts to look into her eyes. She put her palm on my cheek gently, rubber a few tears that managed to escape my eye.
She pleaded please Neil, you did so much for me. Please do this too, please.'
As habit, I said instantly anything for you. Anything.'
She pulled me into a hug. It was much needed. I was starting to feel numb. I was going numb.
i will miss you very much idiot. I will miss very much' she cried.
You do whatever you want just remember one thing. My friendship will always stay with you.' I was breathing heavily then ... i could hear my own heartbeat. I knew my heart was dying slowly and painfully.
We pulled apart. I knew i had to let her go. I had to give what i promised. She asked me to end this friendship and i will give her that. I said in a raspy voice' samunder singh, from today our friendship ends.' I said only half and promised the rest of it to myself but i will always be there for you. I will always be you friend. You don't have to feel the same.'
She rubbed my constantly flowing tears and then all of a sudden she seemed determined. She rubbed her own tears desperately off her face and stood up and started walking away.
She was going. She was going forever. I don't want it. I wanted to crawl to her and wanted to desperately pull her back and wanted to say i don't want to let her go. But i could not.
I just called her from back. Asked her where she is going.
She turned around after little moment.
To give my decision to Arjun.' She said determinedly and then she left me there alone with my broken heart.
...she was gone...
I thought...alone this heart understand that heart.. but this heart made the mistake, terrible mistake. I thought somewhere deep down she love me but no.. that love is buried beyond my reach in her heart. My reach is not that long to dig out her love for me.
I don't understand why I think about your love when I know it will never be reciprocate. Curse this stupid mind. Curse this emotional fool of a heart. Curse this dead heart.
You walked away. Your shadow touched my body. I kept looking to your shadow which lingered behind you till it got out of my sight along you. Look back.. see i am sitting alone brokenly for you to be back by my side, to talk nonsense again, to scream irrelevant words in my ear, to share a drink with me, to keep you head on my shoulder, to speak comforting words, to express your love to me... no... not love... i can't wrap my mind with that nonsense again. Love is not for me.
But i wish you could love me.
..Come back..
Some wish is left to be fulfilled, some promise has been made to me fulfilled, and some love is left to be displayed and other so many more things to do. Please come back. I want to say you So many words drenched with tears which are now bottled up in my mind.
..Come back..
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Mangal Lakshmi
