I was impressed by one of the lines Armaan said to Atul today. He said something like, "Ab toh meri khushi bhi or dukh bhi usise hai." I was touched by that. Here is my take on Armaan's misery right now.
I wilt in her agony. Her silent cries of pain are deafening me. Her sparkling eyes, now glazed with tears, blind my vision, so much that every effort I make to look at them renders me unable to look at the rest of the world. I am blind to the world now; all I ever see are her desperately searching eyes. Every tear she sheds falls on my heart, eating at it slowly and agonizingly. It burns like an acid in my heart, corroding it with every passing second. Her quiet, suppressed sobs pierce my peaceful world, filling them with an everlasting echo, that I can't help but hear. Her agony is real, so real that I can taste it. I don't remember the taste of happiness, excitement and pleasure anymore. All my taste buds now identify is the bitter remnants of her agony, of her helplessness, of her desperation.
The rest of the world is dead to me, as I am dead to them. My world revolves around her. She is the only one who can fit in my tiny world, but I don't seem to have a place in her world anymore. The need to be a part of her world again is strangling me. Every second I live excluded from her world, threatens to suffocate me. I utilize every bit of energy to resist the overpowering desire to hold her, comfort her, tell her everything is going to be okay ,that I'll be with her and we are going to go through it together. I want to let her know how much I care about her, how much I love her, how much it hurts me to see her wriggling in pain and how precious her tears are. My emotions are choking me. Yet, I have to keep them hidden from her. I know every step I take towards her is just going to push her that many steps away from me.
The need to hold her close to my heart is consuming me so much that I am now nothing but a tiny being in this big world. My existence is because of her and her refusal to letting me come close has reduced me to becoming non-existent. I am helpless, just as much as she is. I know and even she knows in some corner of her heart that each other is what both of us need. Yet, she is denying it. She knows I am the one who can heal her pain, turn her sorrow into joy and lift her helplessness. She knows she is the only one who can lift my helplessness and free me from this misery. Yet, she is choosing to make our lives miserable. Yet, she is choosing to be angry at me for something I am innocent of doing.
I can't do anything but wait. My eyes are glued to her and though it eviscerates me t o see her struggling, to see her facing her pain alone, I know I have to watch her. I have to be there for her in case she needs me. But I don't want to make her feel cornered. I don't want her to feel that my love is a pity. It is pure and undiluted love. Yet, every time she comes close to realizing it, she misunderstands me. But I don't want to be a passive observer anymore. I want to make her realize that I do exist. I have to make her realize that things are not so bad, that things can go back to the way they used to be.
Arjun
Anupamaa
