Can infidelity ever be acceptable?

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moomin4455

@moomin4455

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

Imagine this scenario:

A young woman at home with her 2 children. Her husband phones saying he'll be coming home late from work that night.

She sighs...another late night. She knows he words hard, sometimes long hours, but it's worth it: he earns a lot, is successful, respected and has provided well for his family. He's a good father, spends whatever free time he has with his kids, reads them bedtime stories, helps them with their homework when he can. When he's alone with her he's always attentive, loving...

The next morning she tends to the laundry and notices the scent of an unfamiliar perfume, lipstick marks on his collar. It's not the first time for her: she knows her husband sleeps with other women. They never speak about it and she turns a blind eye because of the kids, the stability of having her husband with her and because she knows he really only loves her...those other women don't matter...

Too cliche?? 😆

This kind of thing, where a person accepts that their partner or spouse cheats on them, does happen.

I can apply the above scenario to any couple: it need not be the husband - could be the wife or girlfriend, could be either partner in a gay/lesbian couple - ie it applies to any 2 people who one would think would be in a monogamous relationship.

Are there ANY circumstances where cheating on your partner is acceptable or at the very least, tolerable?

Does monogamy and being a great partner always go hand in hand?

Please let me know your views!

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boreddamsel

@boreddamsel

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

Mooms, of course it is acceptable!!! 😆

But only in two cases :

- If I am married, and I am cheating on my spouse. Note, that I might not approve of my spouse cheating on me!

- If I am married, committed or single, and attracted to a married individual and is having thoughts about sleeping with that individual. Note that the married individual might not even know I exist.

Honest answer.

My heart literally stopped and I teared up. This sentence.

"she turns a blind eye because of the kids, the stability of having her husband with her and because she knows he really only loves her...those other women don't matter..."

This has happened to a person I know. I have seen how the wife's family suffered, once they got to know about the numerous affairs their son-in-law had and how their daughter kept it from them for their sake and the sake of the child.

Infidelity is simply not acceptable to me. First of all, I will make sure my partner will never ever cheat on me. But if he still goes ahead and cheats on me, I will walk out. There was an article on CNN the other day where they said you should give your spouse a chance if you love him. But I ask you, how can you love someone when the trust is broken? If he cheats once and you forgive him, what is the guarantee that he will never cheat again??

Of course it goes the other way. Women cheat too.

Will I cheat on my spouse? Well, if he doesn't keep me happy, I will leave him, not cheat on him!

Given my strong opinion on infidelity, I will never ever ever support anyone cheating on their significant other, even if I have a crush on them! You are attracted to someone, have the balls to end the marriage, then go sleep with the other, not while your spouse is still waiting for you to come home!

If you ask me to pick one Hindi movie that I absolutely hate - Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna .. no guesses why!

And to your question, does monogamy and being a great partner always go hand in hand? Loyalty is a necessary but not sufficient requirement of being a great partner.

Edited by boreddamsel - 12 years ago

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McNinja

@McNinja

Inactive

+ 3

Posted: 12 years ago

Can infidelity ever be acceptable? Yes. If it can live past staring down the barrel of my shotgun that is.

More seriously, cheating is the ultimate blow to any relationship. It's the worst way to disrespect your partner and I have no patience for it. I don't know how couples "overcome" cheating episodes. I don't believe it's possible and would rather die alone and hungry rather than put on a front of happiness and togetherness with a cheater. Oh please, I'm not a HBIC for nothing.

How would I react to such a situation? With a belan. Maybe a shotgun if there is a good life insurance policy in place that covers crimes of passion 😆

Side bar- Humans are meant to be polygamous and it's why monogamy is such a hard feat for many to accomplish. It goes against our natural tendency. But survival of the fittest and being territorial is also a human tendency...which brings me back to my original point...can you beat my shotgun? 😆

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boreddamsel

@boreddamsel

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

Ninja 🤣

I am picturing you with a belan right now!

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moomin4455

@moomin4455

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by: McNinja
Can infidelity ever be acceptable? Yes. If it can live past staring down the barrel of my shotgun that is.

More seriously, cheating is the ultimate blow to any relationship. It's the worst way to disrespect your partner and I have no patience for it. I don't know how couples "overcome" cheating episodes. I don't believe it's possible and would rather die alone and hungry rather than put on a front of happiness and togetherness with a cheater. Oh please, I'm not a HBIC for nothing.

How would I react to such a situation? With a belan. Maybe a shotgun if there is a good life insurance policy in place that covers crimes of passion 😆

Side bar- Humans are meant to be polygamous and it's why monogamy is such a hard feat for many to accomplish. It goes against our natural tendency. But survival of the fittest and being territorial is also a human tendency...which brings me back to my original point...can you beat my shotgun? 😆

Barrel of a shotgun or a machete aimed at one's testicles 😆 - also very effective!

@bold: this is very interesting. Humans are socially monogamous, which means that although we are capable of fidelity we don't mind having 'a bit on the side' when possible.

Lots of behavioural research goes into understanding mating behaviour, mating bonds and the strength of that bond or relationship. Prairie Voles are one of the organisms used to study these bonds because like us humans they are socially mongamous. What's interesting is there is a 'distribution' to the strength of a mating bond ie some voles are very faithful and won't leave their partner, while other voles are off shagging everything that moves.

Pretty much like humans: there are those who stay with one partner their whole lives and some are just not capable of being faithful...

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moomin4455

@moomin4455

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

Arti, I have a question about your friend who put up with her husband's infidelity: did she ever leave and if not, did she stay with him and accepted what he was like? Or did he ever change?

Sorry if I'm being insensitive by asking, but I'm curious, because I know someone who was in that situation and just continues to put up with it because separation or divorce would 'shame the family'...she's very unhappy...

When I meant monogamy I meant loyalty to their chosen partner ie only having sex with their partner.

Edited by moomin4455 - 12 years ago

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boreddamsel

@boreddamsel

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by: moomin4455
Arti, I have a question about your friend who put up with her husband's infidelity: did she ever leave and if not, did she stay with him and accepted what he was like? Or did he ever change?

Sorry if I'm being insensitive by asking, but I'm curious, because I know someone who was in that situation and just continues to put up with it because separation or divorce would 'shame the family'...she's very unhappy...

Well, actually her family found out .. and forced her to leave him. They still aren't divorced.. its been a few years now, but the guy had taken a lot of money and property from her family and they are not going to let him go easily. She has given up on the idea of marrying someone. She lives for her daughter and her family now. The daughter on the other hand is growing up to be a very very strong girl. She is the strength of the entire family!

He was an asshole and he gloated about his affair in front of her family I think.. and to think he looked so decent.. he had everyone fooled. To make things worse, he was abusive too and once he slapped her in front of her family. Can you believe it, he used to sleep with the maid.. the effing maid, when his wife was sweet, gorgeous, well-educated, working and rich! Just talking about him is making my blood boil right now!

And I edited the above comment to remove the question.

Edited by boreddamsel - 12 years ago

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moomin4455

@moomin4455

Dazzler

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

I'm glad to hear your friend left a situation that made her unhappy. I can believe it Arti - I'll tell you about my friend back at our 'home'.

To play devil's advocate: what if your friend's husband adored her, loved her, was an excellent father to her kids and was liked by everyone, including his in-laws, BUT you knew he cheated on her, nothing lasting, just casual relationships, flings...and you knew that telling your friend would destroy their family...

Would you accept that he cheats but is otherwise good to her and faithful to her in every other way, or would you tell your friend because she deserves the truth...?

I'm addressing that to everyone who reads this.

Which brings me to another question 😆...

What if the young wife in the scenario I posted was completely dependent on her husband? For her leaving could mean losing everything because she cannot provide for herself and her children without her husband's help, or that she may even lose her children.

Perhaps she's been out of work for a number of years because she chose to stay at home and look after the children and will find it difficult getting a job? Or perhaps, as does happen, she's from another country and is fairly young still ie cannot speak the language well, or has no work experience or much of an education and cannot fathom supporting herself...

Should such a person have to settle for an unfaithful spouse because leaving would be very difficult for her?

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boreddamsel

@boreddamsel

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by: moomin4455
To play devil's advocate: what if your friend's husband adored her, loved her, was an excellent father to her kids and was liked by everyone, including his in-laws, BUT you knew he cheated on her, nothing lasting, just casual relationships, flings...and you knew that telling your friend would destroy their family...
Would you accept that he cheats but is otherwise good to her and faithful to her in every other way, or would you tell your friend because she deserves the truth...?

First of all, I am not close to this "friend", I am closer to her parents than her. Tough question if it was someone close to me. There are a lot of issues - will she trust me when I tell her? Will she be able to handle it? What if she just refuses to talk to me ever again? But I think I will definitely tell her, 'coz knowing me it will eat me up inside to keep this from her. Haha, I have meddled in too many relationships 😆 On the other hand, if my friend told me about this situation .. and supported her husband saying how sweet he is even though he cheated on her, I will definitely tell her to leave him.. and if required I will drag her out of the house if necessary! I say this, 'coz I know someone who hasn't spoken to her friend since her friend asked her to go back to her abusive husband.

What if the young wife in the scenario I posted was completely dependent on her husband? For her leaving could mean losing everything because she cannot provide for herself and her children without her husband's help, or that she may even lose her children.

Perhaps she's been out of work for a number of years because she chose to stay at home and look after the children and will find it difficult getting a job? Or perhaps, as does happen, she's from another country and is fairly young still ie cannot speak the language well, or has no work experience or much of an education and cannot fathom supporting herself...

Should such a person have to settle for an unfaithful spouse because leaving would be very difficult for her?

Unfortunately this is the case when people end up staying... 'coz they simply cannot afford to leave. You have to think of so many things before walking out. What if your family doesn't support you? Can you survive on your own? Do you have money? Do you have a place to go to? And even if you have answers to all this, it takes a lot of courage and self-confidence to end a marriage.