Dear Didis,
Hello,many hugs and thanks to all of you for your kind and inspiring words🤗. You have all been a guiding light for me; bahut bahut dhanyavad!
I am just now able to write here to you all; Shri has told me I will be forgiven for clouding up the Chat Club one more time - I am quite clumsy still with the computer and have trouble with PMs (Shri - that is why your PM said RE:re: because I could not figure out how to send to more than one person and just kept typing it over again by hand😕 (I could actually hear SRK in my ear saying, "Idiot." Only he says it in that way!)
I have tried hard to bring life into a new path and wanted to thank you all so much for giving me the thoughts for how to do it. Zorica...I had the tears rolling when I read that you watched your mummy-daddy fight, that you had to suffer and bear through this as a little girl. And too that the experience caused you to look for a "fairy tale" to rescue you from that sadness, but it was not the right fairy tale for you. I am sorry this happened to you. And also I am very admiring of the way you have broken through the cloud of that time in your life and remained a strong and growing person! And Shri...I know it sounds strange, but it was your post in the ED thread which allowed me to break through my own mental cloud, so to speak...the post about both Rishabh and RK existing in the same person, how they are fighting the one with the other. I read that post over and over, as if the tubelight were going on slowly in my mind.
I realised from it what damage can be done when one cannot be honest with one's self. Perhaps one might not even know of it! But what pain this would cause, as you would be constantly regretting your actons in one direction and then the other.
I also realised the damage not saying things could do. Just think of all the talking our telly characters never do. So we have endless MUs, separations, ego clashes, and such.
These two lines of thought kept pressing upon me. That night, after I read Shri's post and afterwards read online about what is the ego, the superego, the subconscious and conscious mind, etc., I just sat in the darkness under the mug in our room (Zorica - the mug is a strange Dilli word for the grated opening in the ceiling which lets in a bit of light and fresh air - it is cool air just now! Good for sleeping!😊) I did not sleep at all that night. I put my head down onto my folded knees and wrapped my arms around and told myself fiercely ki "Think, Bhakti, think!" Why are these thoughts pressing on you and not letting go...think what are you going to do now.
Well, what I decided was, what do I have to lose if I understand my husband in this light of two persons at war within one body? What would I lose if I actually ask him about it, with a lot of love? I felt very sure he would not take my life, somehow I just felt he would not. I knew now he could hurt me, but I knew at the bottom of my soul ki he is no killer. I thought, I will ask him about all that has happened and either he will rage and beat me or he will tell me the truth. And either way, i will get my answer about what to do next. I thought, before I take such a step, I must know where is a shelter for women, just in case. And I felt also, somehow, I must take marg-darshan from god. (Sorry, Zorica - marg-darshan this is "showing the path") But I did not know how to do either of these things as I am not being allowed to leave the flat. So I sat that night and thought and thought, and prayed to god that please open a way for me.
And here is the strange thing that happened, God opened a way - really, truly! And in such an unexpected way! There is an elderly auntie who lives in the bottom of the building and she is a Shiv-Bhakth. Every Monday, because it is the auspicious day for Shivji, she goes to take his darshan at the Gauri Shankar Mandir which is quite close by here on the old Chandni Chowk Road. (Shri - if you have spent time in Old Delhi perhaps you know this mandir - it is next to the famous old Jain temple on the main market road.) And her son accompanies her to go. But on Monday he was ill and could not take her.
Now it is coming soon to Mahashivratri and the Monday visits are getting very full and busy, and she did not want to miss this Monday at all as she is very devoted. So she came to our door. My MIL was out with my husband but my FIL was there and she saw me at the back and said ki "Dhillonji please send your bahu with me and I will go to the temple and just come back. My FIL refused and said "Oh ji how can Bhakti help you, how will two ladies go alone? Just do not go today and go next Monday itself." But she was quite insistent and finally my FIL agreed as long as we will just go and come back fast fast. I folded my hands to her and told that I have the children with me so this could be troublesome for her, although my heart was bursting to go, but she was not troubled at all for the children and really smiled on them and patted my son's cheeks so nicely, just like a nani or dadi.
So we went there, and she was so kind and delighted with carrying Maithili I could not believe! When we came to the temple she had to buy the offerings for her thali and do parikrama and she said that why do I not go in to take first darshan of Nandiji at the top of the stairway and then meet her where the panditji would stand. There was a line to go up, so i left the chappals and took the children and all the way up I felt so happy, as if I were visiting the divine parents. When I was able at last to take the darshan of the Gauri Shankar murtiyan, their faces were so innocent and peaceful. I really spoke to them inside. I asked Shivji to be kind and not destroy everything! I asked him to put his hand on my husband's head and help him back to the light. I stood as long as I could in front of Gauri Ma and asked her, you look so serene in this form but I know you can become so fierce and wild that Shivji himself must go under your feet to calm your anger. Please, Mata, could you lend me just a tiny bit of your strength just this one time? Then Mrs. Sindhu found me and she got the prasad and we were ready to go back.
As we were leaving, she did the sweetest thing. She told me, "Bhakti, you come across and we will stop in the mitthaiwalla very fast." I thought she must need something to take home to tempt her son. But when we got there she bought sweets and herself put them in my mouth and in my son's mouth. Then she made me eat one more so Maithili's milk would be sweet too. She told me she misses her own daughter who grew up and married and moved away and it was nice to put a sweet in our mouths. I took a pinch and gave to my son to put in her mouth, too, and she laughed a lot. In this small way we received love from her that we do not know at home, and it felt like a balm that you place over an open wound. It is nice to know there are such people in the world as you kind Didis and this lovely auntiji. So did god kindly answer my request for marg-darshan and allowed me to come and meet him and her personally!
So next night I swallowed my fear and, when the children were sleeping I thought ki Hai Ram it is now or never! Chak de, Bhakti..." I went next to my husband who was just sitting and drinking badam doodh. I sat quietly next to him and he would not look at me. So I took the deepest breath ever and I put my hand to his arm. But still nothing. My heart felt like it would jump up right out of my throat, i have never been so frightened to say something, but I thought, "Jai mata di" and put my hand up to his face, to turn it. His hand with the doodh was unsteady and I thought, oh I will make him spill it and spoil everything! But he placed it on the table. He did not push my hand away but he still did not turn to me and I thought, crazily, "I do not know anymore what to do! I am stuck!" But I thought, oh I will push forward so I put the other hand and gently tried to turn his face. Just a little I turned it and then when his eyes met mine I saw he was beginning to cry. I did not expect that! I thought he would be angry! But tears began to come from his eyes. So I thought, "I will go ahead" so I spoke very softly to him and asked him, "Are you suffering from what happened at all? Please tell me the truth and I will listen to anything...if you feel it was fine I will listen to that, too. Do you feel that you can tell me something?"
For a moment I thought no, he will not speak. His stomach was clenching up as he cried and I was just faltering, wanting to put my arms around him and say, "nevermind...it doesn't matter" but then I thought, I will lose all the courage and I will never know. So I just waited and wiped his tears. He said finally, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. I was so angry, but I wasn't angry on you." Then we talked a very long time, even until some pale light was showing through the mug. It was just as Shri had written...he was at war with himself, except he knew it. He had done something he did not understand as something he could ever do. He was ashamed, he had lost trust in himself, and he had assumed I had lost all love for him. I asked him right out, since it was my night to be honest, "Do you dislike being married? Would it be easier if I went away? Is it not difficult to be burdened with the care of so many while you are so young?" I thought he would agree right away, but he looked astonished. He said he felt somewhat proud to have a family, that it would be his shame if he were not to bear the responsibility of it with happiness. I pressed him to be honest, but it seemed he was being, even saying that he loves being the father of a daughter but had been afraid to say so before his family. His anger that night when he snapped had come partly from seeing his mother throwing Maithili on the bistar.
By the end his face was calm and he was able to put his head down in my lap and sleep. After that night he has come back to speaking freely within the confines of our room. He is also trying to take up work again.
SO I think things will perhaps go better now, and I know without doubt that it was a combination of all your loving wishes and kind prayers and brilliant thoughts that you have been generous enough to share online that made me able to think the way I did. On next Monday I will ask to go one more time with Mrs. Sindhu and I will that time ask Gauri Shankar to bless each and every one of you for the unselfish kindness and generosity of spirit yu have shown to me. Now I will always have your examples to live up to, and I hope I might be blessed to do so.
P.S. Shri...I did not forget your questions! I will answer them!
Thank you all again. I think I can say now, I will see you here and on the ED! Much gratitude and especially love to all of you, from Bhakti
Edited by bhakti2 - 12 years ago
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