I lay on the bed, my arms sprawled wide open, gazing at the white ceiling. Blank, that is how I felt. I didn't want to think about anything, not about her atleast. But then, if I could do that, I wouldn't have been on this bed, like this, now. It was 5 AM in the morning now, and I had never felt so drained in my life as I was now. Taani's continuous knocking at my door had reduced to just a dull throbbing at the back end of my brain.
"I can't take more stress in my life, Swayam."
Stress, she had said stress. I sighed, as tears welled up in my eyes. I was tired, I was hurt and I just wanted to sleep. But sleep had forsaken me for the day. Instead, tears flowed down my eyes. Be a man Swayam, a voice inside me said, don't cry. Bullshit. The image of her outstretched hand froze in my brain. She was asking me to let go and I being the coward I was, ran away from there.
Stress, she said stress.
It stung me bad. Now I had degraded to being a stress in her life? Or was I always one? My body shook as a wave of anguish spread over me. It was too much to handle, the pain. If only I could let go of her. Not once, not twice but many times have I tried, only to fail miserably. People have advised me so many times to let go. If only I could explain it to them. Letting go would give me only pain, holding on would make me smile once in a while.
She called me a stress in her life.
Whatever I had been thinking of myself had been marred. Maybe I was just an imposed force in her life. I shuddered at the thought. What could be more torturous than knowing that you are just a stress for the person you love with all your heart. I just wanted her to be happy. Was it so much to ask?
So much hopes I had built about us. When she said she liked me, it seemed as if I had finally made a strong impression on her heart. Now when I think of it, I wonder if she said it because she felt she had too. Had she said it to please me? No. Her eyes meant it, she meant it. Then why was she cutting all the strings now? Asthma couldn't be the only reason.
"Goodbye Swayam."
She wanted me to let go. I wanted to provide her with everything she wished for, but I couldn't give her this. I could maybe act for her, but in reality I would never let go. I loved her so much. The pain and frustration took over me and I caught the vase standing on my bedside table and swung it forcefully, causing it to crash on the floor producing a loud shattering noise. The noise of the vase breaking overcame that of my heart shattering and for a brief instant, I felt calm.
**
"You wanted a breakup Sharon, didn't you? So here it is. "
I could still feel the tremendous effort he had put to say those words. I realised that he was incapable of moving on over me. He loved me infallibly to let go. And it annoyed me to great limits. Why couldn't he just move on? Why did he have to increase my guilt by holding onto me, inspite of all the hurt I gave him in the past 2 years. I hated him for it at times, like I was doing now. I hated him for making me feel so miserable.
"Anything for you Sharon. Anything."
Why? What had I even done to deserve Swayam's love? His heartbroken face when I held my hand out for the final goodbye tugged at my heart. Honestly I was tired of hurting him time and again. It was exhausting me. His kind heart was weakening my defences, breaking my arrogance step by step. And it was just leaving me drained. I had accepted long back that Swayam affected me and that I felt something strong for him, but I also accepted that whatever I did, I ended up hurting him most of the times. And it was wrong to do that to a person who cared for you with all his heart, who always did his best to keep you happy. Wasn't it my duty to keep him happy too? I owed him that. I owed him his happiness.
From a distance, my inhaler stared at me blankly. That pesky little thing was the reason all these complications occurred in the first place. And it annoyed me that I had to live with it, even though I wish to do no less than throw it into the deep ocean. But then, what was its fault? It never asked me to push Swayam away, never asked me to let him go. Let him go, I wondered if I could do it. Swayam had become a part of my life, each action of his was so intricately joined with my life that cutting him out of it; it was facile to think so.
"I love you Sharon."
I wish he hadn't. I could have let him go then, but right now, I wanted to hold onto him with all my might. I didn't love him yet but he did. And try as I might, I realised today that I couldn't stop him. If holding on was painful, so was letting go. And if I myself felt this, I shuddered at the thought of how Swayam would be feeling.
**
However hard it may be, sometimes holding on is the only option left.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
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