Beyond This World
If I say yes...
The thought crossed his mind for what seemed like the millionth time. And just like each time before, he couldn't let himself finish the thought. He couldn't guess for how long he had stood there. Maybe it had been an hour. Maybe it had been four. The sky should've been an indication of how much time had passed, but he hadn't been paying attention to it when he had arrived there. A few people had been lazing around earlier, but now he was alone.
He had come here looking for answers. But every time he had tried to find an answer, he was faced with the same thought and then he would jump back to the start, trying to find another way, a different answer. It was exhausting. Now as he stood at the water's edge watching the waves roll in and break at the shore he mused over how similar that one thought was to the waves. Back and forth, relentless.
If I say yes...
He had made a decision roughly a year back. "To move on". "To live his life". "To pick up the pieces of his life and start over". Whatever. He had done it, hadn't he? He had begun to smile again without feeling guilty about it. Sometimes he would even laugh. He had begun hanging out with his friends again. He had stopped shutting out his best friends. He had done it all for her. Because he couldn't let people think that he was ruined because of her. She had been the best thing to happen to him. No part of her could ever destroy him, not even her death. Letting people think that would've been disrespect to her. And so he did what he needed to do to make them believe that he was okay. He lived. Even though on some days he dint really want to. Like today.
As he watched the waves, he wondered what it would feel like to lie down with his eyes closed and let the waves wash over him. To pull him with them and take him to her. He closed his eyes.
"Reyaansh"
It was her. He opened his eyes. She had come. Of course she had, she always did when he needed her. He turned around. She was sitting on the swing a few feet away, smiling her sweet smile. The wind was playing with her hair, a few strands fluttering around her face. She was wearing the light pink floral print dress that was her favorite. No wait, that was wrong. Her favorite was the light blue one, wasn't it? It frustrated him that he couldn't remember.
"Does it matter, Rey? I love them both."
Yes, but which one was her favorite? He looked at her but she couldn't help him.
What else had he forgotten? Panic started to rise within him as he began to recall their conversations, the little details. She loved wind chimes, chocolates and flowers. Her favorite flowers were white lilies. Her favorite book was "Gone with the Wind" and the one she liked the least was "Romeo and Juliet". She liked chick flicks. Her favorite dress was... Hadn't she screamt at him for dropping chocolate syrup over her light blue dress? She had stayed mad until he had got it back from the laundry, clean and perfectly the way it had been before. But pink was her favorite color.
"That's right, Rey. See, you do still remember. Pink was my favorite color."
She smiled sadly then.
"Was."
Past tense. Why did she always stress on that?
"Because no matter how many times I say it, you just don't listen."
She was here with him now, wasn't she?
"For how long?"
If I say yes...
No. It doesn't have to be that way.
"It must be that way Rey. It won't be fair to her otherwise."
In that case, the answer is no.
"But why? She likes you. She makes you smile. And more importantly, you like her. You like Anya."
He turned around and looked at the waves once more. He couldn't face her. He didn't want to. Initially, Anya had just been a good friend. He didn't realize when he had begun liking her, caring for her a little too much.
"You shouldn't feel guilty. You know this is what I want."
But is it really? Wasn't she even slightly jealous? Sometimes he would feel jealous for her when he was with Anya. And then he would back away from Anya. Anya had learnt to deal with his mood swings. She understood him so well.
"And that's why you can't let her go."
But now Anya wanted him to put his feelings into words. She wanted him to admit that he did really like her. She was asking for too much.
"Is she really? She's just asking for you to show her that you really do care about her. Doesn't she deserve to know if there actually is a future for you both? "
Is there?
He could imagine it. A future for them both. It wasn't the same life that he had imagined with Kria, because Anya was distinctly different from Kria. But he could imagine it. He sighed and turned back.
Yes. Yes, there is a future.
"Do you want that future?"
Did he? Wasn't he grateful for having Anya? Didn't she bring some semblance of normality back into his life?
Yes.
"Then what is stopping you from saying yes?"
If I say yes...
No.
He pushed always he thought. But as always, she was quick to grasp it.
"Reyaansh." She was just a little bit stern now.
If I say yes...I will have to let go of you.
She smiled sadly again. He hated to see that smile.
"You have to some day, don't you?"
Yes. No.
"Yes Reyaansh. That's your answer. To all your questions."
Yes, he wanted a life with Anya. Yes, he wanted to fall in love with her. Yes, at some point he would have to let go of Kria.
I'm not ready.
"It's been two years. You promised."
He felt angry. She should be proud of how far he had come. How could she expect him to just let her go? Why did Anya expect that? Why did his friends expect that?
"They love you. She loves you. I love you."
And I love you. Always have, always will.
That should've made her happy but deep sadness entered her eyes. Because she knew what he meant. And she knew how much it would hurt him. He had really cared for Anya after all.
But I don't want to give your place in my life to anybody else. Not to Anya, not to anyone. I can't.
"You'll miss her. It'll hurt."
You're here for me. I don't need anybody else.
"Reyaansh." The stern tone again.
Come walk with me.
She was beside him and they walked along the shore.
"Reyaansh. You know I'm not real."
No she wasn't. He knew he was relying just on her memories to give him comfort. And even they were beginning to fade away. They were leaving him, just the way she had. But he wouldn't let go of her.
"For how long Reyaansh?"
They had promised each other an eternity. He, at least, would stay true to his promise.
For this world. And for the next.
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