In another part of the city, Swayam Shekhawat sat in his room, sighing as he hesitantly decided on spending his Valentine's night according to his yearly tradition. He turned on the CD player and walked towards his closet. His hands trembled as he reached for the knob of the cupboard that hadn't been opened in over six months.
As the door fell ajar, he averted his gaze, inadvertently however, catching a glimpse of the one face that he had been trying to avoid. His face titled upwards as he took a deep breath, focusing his eyes on her pictures. The eyes that could stare people down and make them tremble, were also the ones that held so much warmth in them that he wanted to melt. He gradually trailed his eyes down to her smile; something that made his lips curve upwards, something that held so much arrogance, elegance and innocence, all at once.
She was the one woman who defined perfection, for him. His Ms. Khoobsurat, Sharon Rai Prakash. As soon as the name escaped his lips in a choked whisper, his eyes shut tightly, and his knees gave way as he fell to the floor with a shudder. He slammed his fisted hand on the floor beside him, not comprehending how she was able to have such an effect on him even now, even after 5 years, 6 months and 20 days; starting from the time he'd known her? He shook his head and smiled sarcastically as the first few lines of the song started playing.
'Tujh sang bair lagaaya kaisa, raha na main phir apne jaisa,
Mera naam ishq, tera naam ishq; ye laal ishq, yeh malaal ishq,
Yeh aib ishq, yeh bair ishq'
Swayam shook his head and began chuckling, even as his vision blurred slightly, not willing to give in to the pain that he felt when he thought of her. His love for her had always been selfless, ever since he'd set his eyes on her, he had known somewhere in the back of his head that they were never meant to be. She was the diva of the college for crying out loud! How was she supposed to take a liking to someone she didn't even know? Someone who, according to her, was nothing but a puppy', vying for her attention? They always seemed to collide, one way or another; even more so after he became a Weakling and joined the dance team. She always seemed to snub him and he always seemed to hold her on a pedestal. After all the ups and downs they had been through, she had just come to his house one day, yelled at his father, no less and declared that she loved him! That alone was supposed to be something that was beyond his scope of imaginations.
Yes, they had had their moments, some intense ones, some where she was clueless as to how she felt about whereas he saw his feelings with regards to her with a blinding clarity. Despite her blatant scorn, her defiance, her brutal taunts; never once had his feelings deterred for her. He accepted her wholeheartedly for who she was; arrogant, narcissistic, cold, calculating and yet, unflinchingly loyal, trustworthy and in general a warm person with the people she cared about. And these were the things that he loved the most about her.
While she seemed to come across as someone who didn't give a damn about anyone else but herself, he seemed to see through her coconut like personality and had managed to extract the sweetness that was all her, the pure innocence that she held as she took it upon herself to fulfil each of his wishes. And that last thought took him down the memory lane, to a particularly fond image.
'Five things to do with Sharon before I die? Swayam, yeh tumhari wishlist hai? Haan, the tum pagal, lekin mere pyaar mein! And that? That has made me fall harder for you'
He shook his head as his head reeled with nostalgia, the tears now flowing freely from his eyes. How had things gone so wrong that he didn't want to even look at her face anymore? Why had she panicked that day? Why had they had the argument for the whole world to hear? Why had she shunned him in front of the entire world? His heart had shattered into a million pieces and it seemed as though she hadn't even heard a sound. For him, his love was pure, passionate, and now, something that made him clutch his head and weep; for the most amazing person that he had lost, whatever the reason, may have been.
He began to question her love for him the minute she'd uttered the words that had turned his world upside down. After all, don't people utter the first thing that's true for them, in their minds, that they're thinking, when pressured for time? He'd never thought, especially after the camping trip that they took, that he would have to question something that was as easy as A,B, C' for him. And despite knowing how not in sync with her feelings she was, he had waited. However, the mere fact that even though she had wanted to tell everyone about their relationship status, she had come out and blurted the words he seemed to imagine in his nightmares. Did she even love him? Or had she just gotten habituated with his constant attention, care, concern and love?
His wounded heart had slowly started to mend during his sister's engagement when she had gone to severe lengths to prove that he was the one for her and she loved him beyond words and what she had said had been a mistake. He was even happier when she had decided to befriend Kriya; only to overhear that she was using the poor girl for her selfish means, to get closer to him? How could he have trusted her once more? Wasn't a heartbreak enough that she had to go and break his trust too?
She wasn't perfect, but he loved her nevertheless, he knew she was selfish and impulsive but only to the extent where she wanted something desperately. He'd felt a giant burden on his chest when he had confronted her about lying to Kriya on the day of the other girl's supposed farewell'; how she had answered him back and put him in his place. True, he would utter a white lie to protect his friends and their feelings. And once again, he was transported back to that night at Rey's house, to the conversation he had with Sharon.
'Ek baat batao, main kuch accha karne ke liye jhooth bolu toh tum mujhe criminal ki tarah treat karte ho. Aur agar wahi kaam tum karo, to tum hero? And you better understand, ki friends ke face pe smile lane ke liye jhooth bolna galat nahin hota. Aur agar hai bhi, toh tum usse judge nahin kar sakte!'
She had jabbed him with her stern but sincere tone then. She had him there and she knew it. Why had he, then insisted on giving her the cold shoulder? Why had he chosen to focus on her flaws every day? Why did he remind her of them, with a caustic tongue, when he had chosen to accept her with her flaws and love her for who she was in the first place? She had practically changed each and every aspect of her aspect just so that he would smile, just so that he would accept her. He didn't know whether it was simply her attachment, her habituation with him or pure love.
He clenched his eyes shut once more, causing the tears to flow rapidly in great bouts. Clutching his hair tighter, horribly frustrated with the chaotic mess that his head was in, he snapped his head up, looking straight at the portrait that he had made of her.
'Why is this happening, Sharon? What do I believe? Kya karoon main?' he whispered brokenly, thinking back to the pain reflected in her eyes when he entered the rose day party arm in arm with Ruhi. The arm that he had always offered, for Sharon to take; why wasn't she holding onto it? He remembered the screech of tires echoing somewhere behind him when he sat at their tea stall with Ruhi. He knew her car would pass by then, and she would witness the scene undoubtedly.
'Kyun Sharon? Why do I want to hurt you so much? Why do I want to cause you the same pain that you caused me? And most importantly, why does it hurt me a million times more when I see the fury, hurt, agony in your eyes? Why do you assume that I'm indifferent? Can't you recognize the very same feelings reflected and amplified in my eyes?'
'Apna naam badal doon? Ya tera naam chhupa loon?
Ya chhod ke saari yaad main, bairaag utha loon?'
The song on the CD player continued to play on and fresh tears spouted from his eyes. He couldn't bear to hurt her, he couldn't bear to think that what she felt for him was mere infatuation, and the moments that they had spent together held no meaning; he'd be lying if he thought he'd imagined the look of pure adoration, and warmth and...just love when she had lay her head on his stomach and they'd held hands on their camping trip.
He didn't even know anything about his feelings except his love for her. If that was untrue, every damn thing he'd ever felt in his life was too.
'I can't do it anymore, Sharon' he spoke to her portrait with an inexplicable anguish in his voice. 'I can't pretend that we didn't have a past, I can't pretend that you don't mean anything to me. I can't avoid you, I can't get away from you. I don't think I can ever trust you with my heart again, but I need to stop giving you such a hard time about it. Whatever happened, did. I don't think there will ever be a time when I shall stop loving you. It just wasn't meant to be, haina? I don't know what you feel, Sharon, despite knowing you more than you know yourself. I know you're so indecisive that you'd never feel as strongly as I do for you. I had genuinely hoped that the day would come soon, but I was wrong, wasn't I? Kya karoon main? Bolo?' he questioned the still portrait, trying to seek answers to questions that haunted him every day.
'Yeh kaali raat jakad loon, yeh thanda chaand pakad loon,
Din raat ke antari bhed ka, rukh mod ke main rakh doon'
He knew they were as different as night and day, and somehow, this difference would never let them be together. It just wasn't mean to be, no matter how he wished for it to. No matter how much he wanted them to just talk it out; he knew somehow it wouldn't be the same this time. Too much had happened for them to just forget everything and put it in the past. He knew he was going to love her until he lived and breathed, but how was he to know if she would too? He wanted to trust the tender look in her eyes as she sat next to him in the garage and drank chai, but how was he to forget the sharp, cutting words that she'd uttered that pierced his very being a million times over? This was what What was he to do? It hurt. It hurt beyond words.
Swayam Shekhawat rose slowly and sank onto his bed, lifting his pillow only to reveal a picture of the two of them together taken at the NDC dance finals. It had been the beginning of something so precious and something so beautiful; something that will just be a memory, a cherished one. He wiped his eyes and willed himself to be stronger; strong enough to not break down when he saw her icy faade the next day, strong enough to protect his fragile heart along with hers; strong enough to just be.
'Tujh sang bair, lagaya kaisa, raha na main phir apne jaisa,
Mera naam ishq, tera naam ishq; ye laal ishq, yeh malaal ishq,
Yeh aib ishq, yeh bair ishq'
---------------------------------------------
...to be continued...
And that's a wrap folks! let me know what you think! Reviews and coments are like cookies, I love them! Cheers!
-Raina
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
172