I found myself...swaron os

and der i was ...in the rehersal hall...all alone...today i felt truly alone...na meri frnds mere paas thi...na koyi aur...and it was all my fault...everything...today i felt like a loser...mein humesha doozron ko losers bhulati thi..par aaj..i was the biggest loser...meine sab kuch koh diya...jis competion keliye hum din raat mehenat ki hai...aaj uss competion mein hi hum itne humiliate hua...and all because of me...all their effort down the drain...because of me...oh god...i am such a...arrghhh...pata nahi meine uss shivam pe inta trust kyun kiya...rey, vicky ,nil..woh sab ne mujhse kaha tha ...they warned me...but still i dint heed to their warnings...meine usse apne rehersals pe aane diya...i had a problem with the weaklings seeing our routine...and i let the opponent college team see our rehersal...vicky ne sahi kaha...this is all my fault...aur kisi ki nahi...and i ran off the stage like that...par mein kar bhi kya sakti thi...sab hum par has rahe the...for the first time..i...sharon rai prakash...felt things slipping off my hands...i did not expect shivam to do this . Oh God!!!...i was such a fool to believe him...mujhe uss party ke din ke baad hi usse saare friendship dod deni chahiye thi. aur meine uss keliye swayam to hurt kiya...Swayam..omg ..woh mere baare mein kya soch raha hoga??..kya woh bhi baaki sab ki tarha mujhe blame kar raha hoga..??..."nahi"...a voice from behind said...a voice i can recognise anytime anywhere..."swayam" i called out...and there he was...in front of me...he just walked upto me and sat near me...none of us spoke a word...he did not say anything to console me...he did not ask me to stop crying...he was just sitting there next to me...

"swayam, tum yeha kya kar rahe ho???"...i asked. he just looked at me. and slowly raised his hand...and brought it near mu face...he hesitated a bit and touched my cheek...i dont know why..but his being there...his touch ...all this made me feel better...made me feel like l can never be alone as long as he was there. he slowly wiped off my tears . i dont know why...but i had to tell him..convince him..make him understand that i did not do anything...that i did not betray my friends...a strange sense of urgency took over me..." swayam...i swear i dont know how they got the routine...i swear to god that i did not gove it to him...i really did not...kya tumhe lagta hai ki i'll do something like that to my friends/????...vicky aur nil yeh keh rahe hai ki i gave the routine to shivam...that i did all this..."...by now i was holding him by his collar...shaking him...i felt hot tears flow down my cheeks. swayam was not sayinng anything. he did not react...i wished he would atleast shout at me...say something...blame me...but he did not do anything...he just sat there...

then suddenly he caught hold of my hands and made me leave his collar...and he stood up and left...

i was too shocked to say anything...i thought that he would understand me...that he would try to console me...tell me that everything will be alright...but no..he just walked away...walked away from me...i dont blame him...after all that i did to him...i dont blame him for walking away...today i realised how much he meant to me...how important his words were for me...how important he was for me...i felt so incomplete without him...my world seemed so incomplete...i turned him into this guy...today i wished that i hadn't said those awful things that day, that i hadn't given my ego so much inportance. meri ego ke saamne mein swayam ke pyaar nahi dekh paya. how i wished ki i would have accepted my feelings before itself...kam se kam aaj woh mere paas hota...just then he walked back in...with a bottle in his hand...he came and reoccupied his place beside me...and he passed me the bottle and said " drink some water...sharon take it"...i took the bottle and drank some water...he placed his hand on my back and and rubbed my back slowly...calming me down...i looked at him and i saw pure love in his eyes...nuthing but love...i broke down again...crashing into his chest...swayam hesitated for a moment and then put his arms around me, holding me tight against his chest...i buried my face in his chest and cried my eyes off...i had been blabbering stuff about whatever happened today and cried some more. swayam did not ask me to stop even once...he just stayed there...stroking my hair...holding me.

" sharon...tumhe ghar jana chahiye...its late..., chalo i'll drop u.."..." nahi swayam...i'll go..its okay...tumne already mere liye itne der rukha..."... swayam just looked at me...and smiled...his cute, adorable , assuring smile..." nahi..i insist ...i cannot leave you here...its late."...

"swayam, yeh tum kyun kar rahe ho..??..."... "huh??"..." kyun ban rahe ho itne accha???...after all i hav done to you...you are here...when i truly need someone"..."sharon...mein humesha tumhare saath ho ...bas tum kabhi realize nahi kiya"..."swayam"... " sharon lets go, its getting late..." "swayam..wait.."...i got hold of his hand. " kya hai sharon...we'll talk later...kal...ab tumhe ghar jaana hai"...i just followed him to the parking lot...and then got into his car. he drove me to my house . he waited outside till i reached my room and went to the balcony...after that he left...i did not want to let him go...i wanted him to stay with me.

i was lying on my bed ..starting at the ceiling...the day's event flashed in front of my eyes. i felt a hot stream of tears flow down my cheeks...then i remembered swayam'...his touch...his words...his presence...i did feel something for him...all those memories flashed before me...the first time i saw him...the first time i talked to him...that day when he helped me with my car...i did feel something then also..infact ...i was attracted to him since the first day i set my eyes on him...and then all those moments he stole glances at me...RDX sir's party...the trip...internal eliminations, uss din corridoor mein jho hua...uske baad the change in swayam's attitude...how i felt when he danced with nicole...how i hated not being the centre of his ...then our performance practice...he was so close to me...i felt so bad when his cancelled our performance..and his words...they echoed in my head...and then...shivam's party...i was broken when nicole kissed him..even if it had been just a peck on his cheek...i diin't like it one bit...and then all that happened later...it was all because of him..na woh nicole ke saath aathe aur na hi mein shivam ke paas jaate...aur uske saath friends bante...aur na yeh sab hote...god yeh mein kya keh rahi ho...usse kyun blame kar rahi ho...its all my fault...sab meri galti hai...mein jealous hui thi...par kyun...kya mujhe pyaar hai??...swayam se...all those moments i spent with him flashed before me...yes i was in love with him..." swayam..i love you..."...i shouted out...i had to tell him...like now...i couldn't trust myself...i had to tell him now...if i keep it for tomorrow...i might not do it...i glanced at the clock once...it was almost three but i had to let him know...i picked up my phone and dialed his number...my heart was tudding against my rib cage. then i heard his voice...manly yet melodious..."hello swayam, woh mujhe tumse baat karni hai..abhi...right now...tum..tum mere ghar aajao...abhi" i said in one go..." what the hell...mein kya tumhare naukar ho...jab tum chahe paas bhulati ho aur phir door karti ho"..."swayam...please...i really need to talk to you"..."abhi??" he asked in a calm voice..."haan"..." mein aata hoon"...i waited and waited aur pata nahi kab..i slept off...i heard someone calling out my name...

i opened my eyes and found him standing there in front of me..."swayam???"..."you wanted to tell me something right sharon"..."tum mere room mein"..."woh...actually koyi door open nahi kiya..and ur window was open...so ped mein chadke.." " tumne ped mein chadke aaya???...agar tumhe kuch hua hota"...swayam just looked at me with that look which made me go weak in the knees..." kya kehna tha tumhe"...

i just looked up at him and smiled and with all the courage i had ...decided to let him know...i just ran to him and hugged him..as tight as i could...swayam was startled..and moved a few steps behind...but i did not let go off him..."sharon yeh tum..."..."shhh...listen to me"...i looked at him ...and cupped his face in my hands "...kya tum woh chapter phir se khol sakte hai??..."

"huh"...that was all he could manage to say..."i love you swayam...i know ki meine bohot time liya yeh kehne eliye...but i cannot do without you by my side...i love you...i really do..."...he kept his hand on my hand and then pulled me into a hug...i knew he was crying...i broke the hug and wiped off his tears..." i love you sharon..."...i just smiled...but then i had to tell him something...about shivam ..and that night..." swayam..i hav to tell you something...uss din..shivam ke party mein kuch hua...jab mein uske saath bahar gayi.."...i noticed that swayam's expression had changed...he had this grave expression...this scaredd me...i did not want to lose him...but i had to let him know..." uss din...shivam ne .."..."tumhe kiss kiya"...he completed my sentence...i was shocked ...how did he know???...and the way he said ti made the whole thing sound like something else..." usne mere cheek pe kiss kiya...i pushed him away when he tried to.."..."shhh...!!!...its okay...we dont hav to talk about it..i know...lets let that go..and enjoy the present"...we were now sitting on the bed...i leaned against his chest...

"swayam...mat jao...yehi rukh jao please..."..."huh??..nahi sharon..galat hai..."..."swayam...please...mujhe chod kar mat jao..."..." hmmm...fine..."...he climbed onto the bed..next to me and i rested my head on his chest...my one hand around his waist...and the other...in his hair...and he had his hands wrapped around me...i closed my eyes...and drifted off into peaceful sleep...my life was really crappy right now...my friends hated me...my diva image had crashed...i lost my first competion...i was booed at on stage...i life was all effed up...but i had him now...and i knew he'll always be there by my side..supporting me...no matter what...i love him and i finally accepted it...and now he'll make everythign alright...i knew it...kal jho bhi hogi...swayam mere saath hoga...and that's all i needed right now...