Dear Readers,
I have updated the present chapter but do not know what to think or how to explain it. Generally, with all my FFs, I see and describe the story I have seen many times in my mind's eye about the characters. I know the reason how and why I wrote something in a particular manner. Whenever any of you ask questions, I usually manage to explain and answer them satisfactorily. But for this particular chapter, I personally do not know why I wrote it in this manner, the rationale behind including particular scenes or sequences, their correlation to the characters, actual story or incidents, what meanings exactly to make out of them. I wrote what came to my mind in a flow at that particular moment. So if any of you ask me to explain, I regret to inform that I will not be able to do it in an adequate manner. Make your own meanings and explanations out of what you read. If it makes sense, well and good; if it doesn't, it simply means I am confused, and have equally confused all of you.
Shailaja.
Chapter Thirty: From the Innermost Recesses of the Heart
Nandini fell asleep within the next few minutes. The pain killer had started taking effect. The excruciating pain and discomfort she had been feeling got numbed as a result of it. Chandra heaved a sigh of relief when he saw this. He gently let her go. He strolled towards the window.
Several scenes from the distant past flashed before his eyes:
A small boy of seven was sitting in his hut for his mid day meals.
"Maa ek aur Roti paroso!"(Maa serve one more Roti!)
"Tum pehle yeh kaalo phir main baad main tumhe parosungi!" (You first eat this one, I will serve later!)
"Theek hai Maa! Tum bhi baitho aur mere saath khao!" (Alright, Maa! You too sit along with me and eat!)
"Main baad main khalungi! Tum pehle bhojan karlo!" (I will eat later on! You first eat!)
The boy understood that his mother was lying and there was nothing at all left for her to eat. He understood that there wasn't the extra Roti he had asked her earlier to serve him as well.
He immediately said to his mother, "I will borrow some more atta from the Bania for you to make more rotis, and both of us will eat together."
At the Bania's shop,
"So what if your mother is starving. I see only my profit."
"Take pity on my mother! She will go to bed hungry! Don't you feel bad about it?"
What will I get from you if I start indulging in all this pity and sympathy? I would rather be a rich man than a good man. I need something in cash or kind. What can a boy like you bring me? Nothing!"
"I can bring you honey from a honeycomb every alternate day. Will you give me atta and some groceries in return?"
The groceries and quantity of atta the Bania agreed to give him in return for the honeycomb was very less. The boy protested.
"This is fleecing and exploitation! Honey from one full honeycomb costs three times more."
"Who told it is just? You need my help now very badly but I don't need yours! You can ask the other merchants here as well. They wouldn't even be dealing with a scrawny boy like you. This is the best deal you are going to get! Take it or leave it!"
"Alright! Give me the atta and groceries you promised me now. I will bring the honeycomb tomorrow."
"These are the quantities of atta and groceries you will get for a honeycomb! Atta and the rest of the groceries cost..."
"But your rates are too exorbitant! This is five times more than the rate in the main Mandi!"
"This is my shop and I decide the price! I am accountable to no one, not even Maharaj Padmanand!"
The boy gave the man a long and unblinking stare. He muttered to himself, "Yes, with such a worthless and incompetent King like Maharaj Padmanand at the helm of affairs nobody is accountable to anybody."
"Why are you folding your little finger like that?"
"I was just keeping a count of things! I will not forget this!"
"I don't care! Remember by all means! What can a powerless boy like you do any day?"
"One day when I have the power in my hands I will change all this. Till then, make hay!"
The present day,
"I, Chandragupt Maurya, hereby declare that prices of all commodities will be fixed and decided by a committee. None of the merchants in Magadh will be permitted to overprice the items they sell, or undervalue the items of small scale vendors by forming a cartel, or to hoard food grains and later black market them. It will be considered a crime on the soil of Magadh!"
Royal Seal of Maharaj Chandragupt Maurya.
A young and promising nine year old student at Takshashila Vishwavidyalay.
He had accidentally touched one of his fellow students while completing a learning assignment. His fellow scholar had recoiled with disgust and revulsion from his touch.
"Dur hato mujh seh. Main Raj Kul ka hoon aur tum ek Charwahe ka Putra! Patha nahin Acharya Chanakya tum par daya kyun kar rahen hai! Tum hamare saath utne baitne ki ya Vishwavidyalay main Samakaleen hone ki yogya nahin ho! Acharya apathradhan kar rahen hai! Tum Shiksha ke liye Ayogya ho. Tum kisi bhi vishay ke liye Ayogya ho!" (Step away from me! I am from the royal family and you are the son of a Charwahe! Don't know why Acharya Chanakya is showing all this sympathy and pity towards you! You are not fit to sit and stand up as a co-scholar along with us in the university. Acharya is lavishing his attention on the unmeritorious. You are unfit and undeserving to be educated! You are unfit and undeserving for anything!)
"Main apni yogyatha siddh karunga! Woh karne ke liye mujhe teri parichay patra ki avashyakta nahin hai! Meri skshamatha hi paryapth hai! " (I will prove my self-worth! I don't need your certificate or introduction letter for that! My potential and talent alone is sufficient for that!)
"Jao! Jao! Hans ki bhasha bolne seh Kauwa Hans nahin ban Jayega! Kauwa Kauwa hota hai, aur Hans Hans hota hai!" (Go! Go! By speaking the language of a swan, a crow does not become a swan! A crow remains a crow and a swan remains a swan!)
"Tujh Jaisa Hans seh toh mujh Jaisa Kauwa hi theek! Main hamesha Kauwa hi rehna pasand Karunga!" (Better I remain a crow than become a swan like you! I would prefer remaining a crow always!)
The boy bent another finger to keep count.
The present day, Chandragupt Maurya in a speech to his Praja,
"From today onwards, nobody in Magadh will be discriminated or outcaste or denied opportunities based on their birth, class, caste or fortune. Everybody will be treated equally by the law and nobody is above the law. Anybody indulging in any sort of discriminative practices will be severely punished."
Back to the past again,
After a few months, the young boy worked very hard and tried his best at excelling in whatever he was taught at the Vishwavidyalay. Those who taunted him earlier had all shut their mouths after witnessing his exceptional performance in his academics. But even now, things weren't bright or happy for the young lad.
His excellence or perfection did help him in winning any true friends. His co-scholars were now even more apprehensive and wary of him. Even now, they kept him at an arm's length. They weren't ready to place shoulder on shoulder on him and walk together. If he came this way, they stepped aside and took the other way.
In the initial days, he used to feel bad that they would not include him in their games or other activities. He felt bad that they wouldn't accept him as their companion or he didn't have anyone whom he could regard as his companion. But as time passed he got attuned to his being alone. He revelled in it. He took pride in his self-sufficiency and the fact that he did not need anybody to complete his life or be a part of it.
The young boy folded another finger this time to remind himself that he was independent and self-sufficient and did not need another person to complete him. It was to remind himself that he could remain alone and did not need a companion to make him happy.
A young student of twelve at Takshashila Vishwavidyalay.
"Acharya I have a doubt about what you have explained. Will you please clarify it for me?"
"How dare you Charwahe's son question me! Many of your professors here are tolerating you just for the sake of Acharya Chanakya!"
"Gurudev I wasn't insulting you. I was just seeking answers for a few questions!"
The same evening, the boy was with Acharya Chanakya. He had been ruminating over the day's happenings.
"Acharya, is seeking answers to one's questions wrong?"
"Got into trouble with Acharya Vidyapathi again? Seeking answers to your questions is not wrong, but seeking them at the wrong place and from the wrong person is. Your expectations are bound to be disappointed."
"Did you never commit such a mistake in your life, Acharya?"
"I did it once, Putra and that is the reason why I ended up taking that pledge of never tying my untied hair until I fulfill my Pratigya."
"Acharya, you found the wrong person before. But did you find the right person later?"
"I did!"
"Where is he?"
"Right in front of me! You are the answer of all my questions! Someday, you too will find somebody who will be the beginning and ending of all your doubts and questions."
"Acharya, I clarify all my doubts with you! Does this mean you are my answer just as I am yours?"
"Maybe, maybe not!"
The young lad folded a finger again to keep count, but this time not in anger, but in hope and anticipation that someday, he too would find or come across that person who would be the answer of all his questions.
A young lad when he was thirteen. He was back in his village after a long time for a vacation. He was playing with his childhood friend, a girl of almost the same age. The girl was the daughter of the richest merchant in his place.
As they were loitering about the streets in which he had roamed as a child, his gaze fell on a beautiful silken embroidered dress that was being sold by a vendor. The dress had caught his fancy. He fingered it very longingly. He wanted to wear it very badly. He wanted to be the proud possessor of that garment. He wanted his name to be etched on the finest fibers of this fabric as its possessor.
He glanced into the inner folds of his dress to see if he had money enough to afford it. But alas! He didn't have the requisite amount. He continued walking forgetting all about that dress.
However his childhood friend was not ready to forget this incident which did not escape her notice. She brought him that dress he had badly wanted. She had expected that he would be very pleased with it. But he was not. He was roused to a raging temper.
"I wanted to buy that dress but with my own money."
"But you didn't have the money with you, while I had more than what I ever wanted! So what if I brought it for you?"
"If I did not have the money, I would have earned it or won it by my own effort. I don't want your pity or your alms. Keep this dress with you. I never want to see this again."
"I wanted to do this for the sake of my friend. Is it so wrong to buy a gift for a dear friend?"
"I want to refuse this gift for the sake of myself and my self-respect! If you want to remain my friend, never bring this give and take or doing favors between us. I would hate to lose this friendship but I would rather loose this friendship than be pitied or doled out favors. This is the only expectation I have from this friendship."
"Ha! Big words! Let's see where all this self-respect and self-belief of yours will take you!"
"You will surely witness one day where my self-respect and self-belief will take me!"
The young lad folded another finger to keep count.
The present day, Acharya Chanakya declared, "I hereby crown Chandragupt Maurya, son of Maharaj Suryagupt Maurya and Rani Moora as the King of Magadh."
Chandragupt walked back towards an unconscious Nandini, the five clenched fingers of his hand closed over her hand: "You see this clenched hand of mine over yours. This is my life and love for you in a capsule. You are both my strength and weakness, Nandini. With you by my side I can fight the whole world. But I cannot fight against myself for you.
My past was not in my hand. But I see my present and future with you. I want you to love me for what I am, not because I am the King of Magadh, not because I am rich and powerful today, not because you have no refuge or nowhere to go today, not because your own conspired against me and my family and took away my childhood, and not as an expiation of their sins.
I don't know if you even remember these things or not. That day in your tent, when you were heartbroken after you had learnt the truth about your father and brothers, after you were completely disillusioned, after your whole world was turned upside down, after you were crying your heart out, I felt for you the first time.
I wanted to badly do something that would right every wrong thing, that would preserve your innocence, your childlike mentality, your belief in humanity, in people, in relationships. I wanted to reassure you that the world was not so bad as you thought it was. Just because your father and brothers were monsters, it did not mean the whole world was peopled with monsters as well. I wanted to preserve that fragile glass house of your trust and faith.
Then, on that monsoon night, when you voluntarily placed your hand on my shoulder in a gesture of empathy and companionship, I really cannot tell you how blissful and at ease I felt that I too mattered for somebody.
In the temple of Gowri Mata, I saw how much both of us thought alike, how well you understood me. At last I had a companion to whom I needn't explain anything, a companion who would walk with me on any path, good or bad, happy or unhappy, easy or difficult!
Then I saw your intelligence, intellect, your learning, your kindness, your compassion for other people in the way you spoke in the Raj Sabha for the soldiers, their family members, and their welfare. I had at last found my equal in you.
Then came that day of panic during the Theej festival when your father attacked us. I would have been dead but for you. You saved me, you became my shield. But I was rude to you. The situation was tense, and I did not know what else I could have done in that situation.
However, both of us easily made up when I came to your chamber to complete your incomplete fast. For the first time, I told you a few things about myself and my childhood. I felt like opening up with you. I felt I could trust myself with you.
After that, things started going terribly wrong between both of us. Your father came between both of us and the dam of my patience broke. I spoke a number of things which I never actually meant. I broke your faith and trust in me. We had endless arguments. You couldn't stand to be with me in the same chamber. However, I hoped that you would see the light at the end of it after some time had elapsed.
I tried to rebuild your faith and trust in me in my own way, the way I knew, but in vain. Things started becoming even worse. You tried to escape from Patliputra and go away from me. You cannot even imagine what my state of mind was when I came to know this. However, I let that pass pretty calmly.
Then I tried to appease you in many ways like the puppet show. But as always my endeavors ended in vain. Your words that you felt nothing at all for me and that I was like one of the inanimate things in your chamber pushed me to the edge of my personal precipice. I fell into that deep abyss. I was at my worst! I never knew I was capable of some of the things I did then. But the truth remains that I did them.
I thought we had reached the dead end of a one way street with no way forward. The three months condition between us notwithstanding, I thought that this was the end for us. My fears were confirmed when I saw you stepping back from me even after you had forgiven me. I distanced myself from you.
Then that day in the Snankaksh happened. It seemed as though life had given me another chance to love and be a better person. All my hopes started building up. But my hopes were once again dashed to the ground when I found that your change of opinion regarding me was not love or affection but pity.
To top it, my presence and proximity did not evoke the same keep kind of passion in you that your presence and proximity evokes in me. I saw revulsion in you for me. Though you were only partly to blame, I wasn't so accommodating or understanding. How could I be?
I was angry that you schemed your way into my contingent to win me back. I wished to show you your place. I ignored you, evaded you, distanced you from me like an outcaste. I saw your pain and suffering still I pretended ignorance. I had noticed each and everything you were doing in the initial stages of our journey. But I pretended as though I had been unseeing and was untouched by anything.
But let me assure you that I did not know you were so ill. I was ignorant of the facts. I should have investigated the facts properly. You called out to me twice but I refused to listen. I wasn't with you when you needed me the most. I regret whatever I have done. But I cannot help what is past. I would never have behaved in that abominable way with you if only I had known everything! But I didn't!
Nandini, I seek your hand and heart, not your pity or your favors. I want you to need me as badly as I do you. I am passionately drawn and attracted towards you. But the minute I draw near you, I see only revulsion in you for me.
I see a home and family with you. I want to belong to you completely. But you do not want to belong to me! I don't know what you exactly see in me or want from me. You keep saying I am your wife, your Adhangani and I just need time. I wouldn't mind waiting. But will it really change anything regarding me in you?
It is not as if I am blind to the way in which you cling to me, my memories and even personal things like my Angavastra. But what I want is not for you to cling to me out of compulsion but as an independent choice and decision to be fully with me in every sense of the word, to be fully and wholly mine, just as I am fully and wholly yours.
Call me intolerant, impatient, demanding, possessive, or whatever you will! But I cannot brook any competition for you or your attention. I don't even know if you will understand any of this even if I actually tell you when you are conscious. Words will fall short to describe what I feel for you.
You are the answer of all my questions. You are the kind of companion with whom I always wanted to place shoulder on shoulder and spend the rest of my life together. But am I the companion you always wanted? I love you so much, but from your side I see only duty, responsibility, pity, compromise, helplessness and indecision.
I know that this marriage was a compromise for me and for you. For that matter, all my marriages were political necessities and compromises. At that time, it did not matter. I had no problem with it because I was not personally affected by it. If the equation and dynamic had remained the same, I wouldn't have been in pain nor would you.
But it has changed as far as I am concerned. This marriage matters to me now. It is no longer a compromise for me. I can no longer pretend or fool myself. You are not my enemy, nor are you my friend and companion, nor are you my queen and wife. You are what my soul thirsts and hungers for, a hunger, a thirst, a hankering which may never be destined to be satiated.
I am saying all this to you now because I cannot hold back all this any longer. But I know very well that you are not listening to any of this. If you had actually been listening, I wouldn't have been able to confess any of this because I would dread to hear what your answer to this would be.
I would expect perfect reciprocity. I would have been disappointed if your answer reflects that your state of mind or feelings are even one degree lesser than mine. I wouldn't have been able to tolerate it. Call it my ego or whatever you feel like! But I would want to hear that what you feel and experience for me is more than what I feel and experience for you.
If you try to hold sand within your fists, it slips away. But when you open the same palm and let go, the sand on your palms stays. I am doing the same thing! I wouldn't risk what we have between us by confessing it to you.
These things are better left unsaid, incomplete and imperfect as they are, than in trying for perfection, wholesomeness and ending up with a bruised heart and disappointed hopes. You know Nandini, I have finally discovered that I too have a heart. And this heart beats only for you. But a pity! You will never know this!"
Edited by shailusri1983 - 8 years ago
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
