Need genuine relationship advise - Page 2

So weird that I literally heard a story like this today. Difference is before marriage the girl brushed it off as “just a little possessiveness”. Even found it kinda cute. Things are so bad now that she’s considering a divorce. She was due to go on a work trip to Bangalore and he literally hid her travel documents because he didn’t want her “to have too much fun without him”. So please let that true story serve as a warning story to your friend. It’s only going to get worse.

The girl needs run for the hills !

This guy sound like a creepy narcissist where it ALL about what he wants he has no respect for the girl’s wishes, boundaries, or ambitions.

No girl should have to work that hard to let a guy know she is too busy to talk or be forced to take the decision of marriage early.

Classic entitled creep! Run girl ! RUN!

Say it was nice (NOT) meeting you. Bye

He may seem very interested in her and he wants to know her more. But he is thinking more about himself, his needs. He doesn't acknowledge that there are jobs with long hours. I think he doesn't respect her job and he is an egoistic person. She should really take her time and analyze everything.

Going to break this up into two parts:

PART I: QUOTES SHOWING RED FLAGS (italicized bits are my explanations)

🚩 On the third meeting the guy coaxed her to tell her opinion of it’s a yes or no.

This alone isn't a red flag, but it's been like 2 weeks. I get arranged marriages work differently in India (where I'm presuming your friend is from), but 2 weeks is not enough time to get to know a person let alone make a life altering decision. Your parents may have done that in 10 minutes in the past, but times are different now.

🚩The next meeting she had the pressure on her that it’s either a yes or a no and she has to tell him today itself

Classic. He's forcing her to make an instant decision on her life. If she agreed, she is definitely easier to control. If she disagreed, he would have spewed nasty verbiage at her (mark my words).

🚩he made a face making her feel guilty of not giving him enough time

Signs of control once again! She has work and her own life. She offered time in other ways, but he wanted her physical presence.

🚩Later after one hour he told that he was standing downstairs at her place and called because he wanted to see her.

Did I mention controlling? She didn't answer his call or give him the proper response, so he had to make sure.

🚩She felt like a boundary was crossed. That day they talked on phone for 3 hrs discussing different aspects of planning for wedding

Communication is key in any relationship. She didn't express her concern but instead gave into discussing the wedding.

🚩He suggested to come over to the banquet to see her

Kinda asserting possessiveness over her. He doesn't want his victim to do anything without his presence.

🚩 Continuously insisting on trying to meet her when she explained it wasn't possible or the right time.

Not understanding or caring for your friend. Again asserting possessiveness and control.

🚩 he throws a fit… passive aggression

Man child. If he doesn't get anything his way, he makes a big deal about it. Doesn't care about soon-to-be wife's feelings.

🚩he told her nobody really has a lot of work it’s only a difference of smartwork and hardwork

Doesn't respect soon to be wife's job or career or hardwork BECAUSE it doesn't line up with his personal insecurities.

🚩 guy only seems overexcited about finding a partner and wants to spend as much time with her as feasible

Tell that person to get hitched to this "overexcited" creep. He has continuously crossed boundaries and gives consideration only to his feelings.

PART 2: My Thoughts

So this relationship can go through (Indian relationships like this exist) - but it'll be heavily one sided and your friend will definitely regret her decision. She won't be living the properly married life she expects or deserves where there is equality between partners, her partner respects her and her career choices, her partner is accepting of her personal and/or professional time, etc. It'll honestly be a living nightmare for her and if she couldn't muster up the courage to say NO when she was pressured into giving consent to this marriage, I worry that she might not be able to muster up the courage to say NO when shit really hits the fan (and there is a continuous theme about her boundaries being violated and her not commenting or bringing it up).

So honestly, a marriage proposal is the tip of the iceberg. Marital rape, domestic abuse, restricting her own time, etc. -- what about these situations where your friend wants to say NO, but gives in because she's not thinking about herself or her sense of security first. Maybe those are extreme situations, but the guy has continuously exerted his form of control and possessiveness over her many times during just the "getting to know you" period and is persistent and unrelenting.

So what to do?

RUN. THE. FUDGE. AWAY.

This type of creepiness, possessiveness, and control isn't going to go away after marriage. It'll build up and gradually worsen. These types of guys get pleasure from that control. You have to do things their way. Abhi Abhi too he just has a little fit ... shaadi ke baad, it might raise to a slap or some form of punishment.

Even if the rishta is finalized, who cares. You friend and her family might get pushback from the guy's side (if his family is equally unhinged and scummy), but it'll be a million times better. Tell your friend to think about what's good for her first, and then think about samaj. If she doesn't feel comfortable in a relationship, if she feels her boundaries are being violated - that isn't a relationship she should be in.

I'm going to address the last red flag in a separate comment kind of as a devil's advocate to keep the thoughts separate.

🚩 guy only seems overexcited about finding a partner and wants to spend as much time with her as feasible

I see a few thoughts in the thread that kinda outline it. Shy mentioned that you didn't mention any positive characteristics and only emphasized all the negative things so everyone's opinion will lean towards ending the relationship - so I'll use that to springboard off this comment.

Even if we give the full benefit of the doubt that there is something amazing about this guy, there are two key things that are missed with that line of thought --

First - he has no respect for your friend or her time. He shows up unannounced to her workplace, waits 30 minutes, and for no reason other than he wants to meet her right then and there. That's not romantic in the slightest. That's creepy and controlling. How does a normal person go about it - figure out her time schedule, know when her breaks are (from listening to her and asking questions -- not by stalking), and surprise it with lunch or something. That's kinda sweet and cute.

Second - being excited about finding someone doesn't make sense given the basis of how the relationship was formed -- he gave your friend an ultimatum - Yes to the marriage or No to the marriage .. and he wanted an answer that day. To any sensible person, that's not how you show your excitement .. that's coercion, that's pressure. He doesn't understand your friend or her wants ... so how exactly is she going be happy with that type of person?


And without respect or understanding of your partner, that relationship not only is going to fail, but it's going to be devastating emotionally for the victim to maintain because the victim will always be the lesser person - she (in this case) does not matter as much as the guy.

So he may be the funniest person in the world, he may be the sweetest person in the world, he may have the best looks in the world -- but if he can't offer two very simple and reasonable things (respect and understanding) to his partner-to-be, that guy has no redeeming qualities and is not worth the time or energy.

That all being said -- that's still my opinion. If your friend sees something special in him and wants him to be in her life, then she needs to communicate her boundaries with him and see how a) he reacts and b) whether he can change his habits (by actions, not by talk).

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One final advice - it may be beneficial for your friend to read through this thread herself rather than have you convey things you pick up. But I leave that to you. Good luck to your friend and I hope she is able to put herself first.

I would run as fast as my feet would let me....😳

This guy is bad news.

RED FLAGSSSSS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

Agree with everyone else who's posted. She needs to dump his ass stat. If he's this comfortable openly disrespecting her now, then he's going to be INFINITELY worse the moment they get married.

(OP, you are a good friend)

Let me disagree with all the opinions offered above and present a different pov. On the assumption that he has some redeeming aspects, I think your friend should talk to the guy and tell him her concerns. Marriages require people to sort out issues all one's life.... many of which are unforeseen. If one has the attitude that they are going to call it off at the first signs of trouble, then there's not going to be any marriage... and its the STUPIDEST thing one can do. Feminists talk that way but they'll get you into broken mariages every time because no guy or gal in a marriage is perfect. So treat the issues here as a trial run and see if they can be worked out and how other issues might be resolved in future. Buy time before getting married. Meanwhile, use the time to see if he has amended his behavior after she has talked with him. If not, then you might want to end it. Else try to work it out. She should be thankful they get to work on issues before tying the knot, rather than later. It's a trial run for the kind of communication one needs to have after marriage. Talk!!!

Ps- I got hired into the job i wanted not because I could answer all the questions but because the big guy thought I communicated well and was clear about things I did not know. Your friend and the guy need to comunicate!!! That's key in any long term relationship. This situation gives her a chance to see if they can. See it as a silver lining.

Ps2- for every woman who finds a controlling guy problematical, I know countless women who would rather the guy felt possessive about them.

Ps3- give more weightage to advice from women who have had successful marriages.

Do not marry that guy under any circumstances.