It's 2018, and 'kissing ass' has come to mean a lot more than currying favour by flattery. Rimming or rim job, essentially oral stimulation for the anus, isn't something young India is speaking about in hushed tones any longer. As millennials open up about exploring their sexuality, raise rallying cries against Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code which criminalises consensual homosexual sex and other penetrative acts in the bedroom, the nerve-endings that surround the anus and the perineum have found their place as favoured sexual touch points. And terms such as "that's gross" or "that's so gay" have fortunately become relics of the past.
In its 16th year, the india today sex survey reveals that there is a new standard for what the country considers 'normal'. The days of exclusively missionary sex are over and flavours other than vanilla have crept into the intimate lives of our countrymen and women. And this broadening of sexual horizons, the careful deconstruction of what has been hammered into the collective consciousness as 'conventional' or 'proper' carnal pleasure, has led to a satisfied 61.5 per cent of respondents claiming they are "totally happy" with their sex lives.
What's new
'Giving great head since 2009', reads a panel in Mumbai's Doolally bar, a winking reference to both the foam on a freshly poured glass of beer and, of course, fellatio. The writing on the wall elicits a passive smirk each time a new patron finds his/ her way in, but is representative of how oral sex is no longer the secret it used to be. Giving head is also currently India's most preferred 'experimental' sexual act, though it is fast losing its exploratory status and is well on its way to relegation in the ordinary foreplay category. For scale, as high as 80 per cent of respondents in Pune and Jaipur are engaging in oral sex, while couples in Guwahati top the list at 92 per cent.
There is very little that is making people cringe today, and if rimming has found its way into the ordinary urban sexual vocabulary, anal sex is something Indians aren't shying away from either; 42 per cent male respondents admitted to having tried it and a higher percentage of women (43 per cent) have indulged in 'reaming'. Turns out sodomy is an offence only in the statute books, and is being flouted with the frequency of jumped red lights. The easy availability of lubricants (with different sensations) over the counter at any chemist or 24-hour stores in metros (and on the internet) has taken care of the fear of pain that accompanied the prospect of anal sex (if that term ever gets old, 'climbing down the chocolate chimney' is a happy alternative the internet throws up). Not only are more people exploring parts of the body that would otherwise have made them quail, the availability of copious tools for protection is reducing the risk of both infection and revulsion significantly.
And this isn't all-sexting and phone sex have taken on new dimensions. 'Send nudes' is used ironically on social media platforms (political parody accounts even have a 'send nukes' meme depicting an exchange between controversy's favourite politicians Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un) and intimately on instant messaging. And with video calling available on almost every platform for free, physical distance is no longer posing a barrier for sexual encounters. Neither are gender or sexuality. Other favourite intimate explorations for couples include toying with the idea of homosexual or bisexual encounters. Almost 21 per cent of respondents admitted to having engaged sexually with those of their own gender-close to one-fourth of females (24 per cent) and 18 per cent males. Turns out India is truly racing ahead of dusty old colonial laws and residual prejudices. But it's not just what people are trying, it's where they are trying it and with whom. Sex in a car, for instance, is ranked as one of the top three fantasies for both men and women and a fourth of the respondents picked sex with strangers as one of their most recurring carnal whims.
Small cities, big kinks
If the notion of the 'regular' is changing, it's the smaller metros that are embracing the new normal most readily. Whether it's seeking new experiences or dreaming up kinky fantasies, cities like Guwahati, Jaipur, Pune, Chandigarh, Patna and Ranchi are leading the revolution, while cities like Delhi and Mumbai seem straitlaced in comparison. It's no surprise then that the pink city is high on the happiness quotient-90 per cent respondents here are entirely happy with their sex lives (the number is almost as high in Ahmedabad, 87%, and Ranchi, 75%). Some 79 per cent of Pune's respondents are having phone sex and 63 per cent of the respondents from Indore are doing it in the shower. A fifth of Ahmedabad is experimenting with bisexual encounters and 72 per cent of Lucknow would agree to oral sex if their partner requested it. So while Bollywood, even with its new wave of indie cinema set in small-town India, teaches us that our population is essentially waiting for stolen embraces on motorcycles and modest necking under trees, the truth is that upwards of 75 per cent of couples in many of these towns have unearthed the G-spot, and no amount of diffident filmmaking can hide it away again.
The age of pleasure
So as pop culture and the censor board conspire to infantilise a population of 1.2 billion by beeping out the word "intercourse" and the self-proclaimed gatekeepers of our morality burn buses over a peeking midriff, audiences are well past these humdrum words and visuals. Age and sex no bar. Last year, the country watched, perhaps for the first time in Indian cinema, the sexual agency and desire of an older woman, graphically and realistically depicted. Ratna Pathak Shah, as the 55-year-old Usha or Buaji in Lipstick Under My Burkha, read out pages of erotica, even ran water taps and faucets to mitigate moans of pleasure as she had phone sex with a younger man. And while this made viewers shuffle uncomfortably in their seats, the real numbers seem to match up to the reel depiction. Respondents over the age of 46 are turning up the heat, to prioritise their needs.
Over half of those between 46 and 60 years of age would agree to oral sex if their partners asked for it, and a close 47.3 per cent of them said they would experiment with anal sex. With 61.3 per cent of men claiming to know where their partner's G-spot is, perhaps it's no surprise that upwards of 60 per cent are totally happy with their sex lives.
Democratic bedrooms
This distension of erotic margins, however, would never be possible if bedrooms weren't becoming a more comfortable space for confessions and conversations. As the discourse about consent takes centre stage in the western media, the need for openness between partners has become key, especially in this growing, experimental milieu-exchanging safe words, communicating fantasies to assess levels of comfort and daring are large parts of pleasure. Not all surprises are fun (just ask anyone who has ever had a 'golden shower' experience with no warning).
And it's happening. Over 50 per cent men and women are sharing their sexual fantasies with their partners. They're watching po*n together (46 per cent admit to doing so) and are more aware of their partners' pleasure points. What was earlier considered a tedious and spice-diluting process (open discussions about sex) is now the gateway to better and more playful exchanges, more sensitive lovemaking and hopefully a more evolved notion of consent.
The careful dismantling of this conditioning is crucial so that those across the gender spectrum can enjoy sex without being resigned to the idea that their pleasure is not as important as their partner's. While natural power dynamics (not to be confused with ones created mutually by partners-BDSM or simple doms and subs) are still quite sturdily in place, chiselling away at the foundations to create more democratic bedrooms is what will lead to enhanced and inclusive pleasure. As these numbers improve, so will levels of gratification-respondents in the survey are today orgasming more, faking less, trying an assortment of foreplay activities and flipping positions according to taste. And this is normal.
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