Hilarious Reviews by sudhish -RACE/WYR/ GARV

Gosh! This Guy is hilarious. I've become a fan 😳
I''ll post some his best reviews here:D
Race: Twists in the stale
http://sudhishkamath.com/2008/03/27/race-twists-in-the-stale/
By Sudhish Kamath
Genre: Action
Director: Abbas-Mustan
Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Anil Kapoor, Akshaye Khanna, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Sameera Reddy
Storyline: Two brothers try to outsmart each other
Bottomline: Run!

Curiosity, they say and it did, killed those who went for Race wondering how bad can it really get.

The power of good looking people can never be under-estimated.

Come on, with a cast like Katrina, Bipasha and Sameera, all for the price of a ticket, which guy would want to miss out on the drool fest. Or which girl would give a Saif Ali Khan film a pass?

Dhoom, Cash and now Race are all from the same stable – the pin-up movies where the idea is just to let these good looking people wear awesome clothes and later find excuses to get them to take it off. First let them jump into bed with one, and then mix and match, and invent reasons for them to swap partners. And hey, you get the storyline for Race.

It couldn't have been written any other way. About 80 per cent of it was shot on the basis of who was available for shoot. Here are excerpts from the production notes.

Schedule 1:
Actors available: Saif Ali Khan, Akshaye Khanna, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif.
There's a delay in Abbas-Mustan arriving at the set and Bipasha who came first is getting restless. The spot boy calls Abbas Bhai.
Abbas: Shoot something with her. We are there in four hours.
Spotboy: But what do we shoot?
Mustan: Ask her to walk up and down the ramp. Tell her she's playing a model. Tell the costume designer to give her shortest possible skirts.
Bipasha is thrilled.
By lunch, the director-duo arrives.
Saif: You are late. You haven't told us what the script is yet. Half a day of our commitment is already over.
Akshaye: Saif and me are cool, we don't have hang-ups. We're like brothers but we still need to know what role we're playing.
Abbas: Very good. You're brothers in the film.
Mustan: You love each other very much.
Abbas: So much that you are willing to donate your girlfriend Bipasha to your younger brother.
Saif: What will I do if I donate Bipasha?
Mustan: You have Katrina, your secretary.
Akshaye and Saif both shake hands. What a brilliant start.

Schedule 2:
Actors available: Akshaye, Bipasha
Saif had to go out with Kareena. Akshaye waiting at the set, has had a few rounds after getting increasingly frustrated with the work ethic.
Akshaye: Hic! How are we supposed to shoot without my brother?
Abbas: We don't need Saif today. It's about how you plot against your brother.
Akshaye: But yesterday, you said we love each other.
Mustan: But he's not your real brother. He's soutela. He has all property. All you have is a bottle.
Abbas: Start shoot. Just keep drinking. Roll Camera.

Around lunch, Saif walks in.
Saif: What's going on, you started shoot without me?
Mustan: Your brother's an alcoholic and you just walk in and find out.

Schedule 3:
Actors available: Saif, Bipasha
Akshaye couldn't make it because he was shooting for another film.
Knowing the directors are capable of shooting without him, Saif confronts them.
Saif: I want to know what is the script. What is my role.
Abbas: Yes, you just found out your brother is plotting against you.
Mustan: So you shift from Bipasha to Katrina. Let's shoot song.

Schedule 4:
Actors available: Akshaye, Katrina.
Bipasha is tired of being overworked and decides to spend quality time with John. Akshaye reports to shoot to find only Katrina.
Akshaye: But isn't Bipasha my girl?
Abbas: But your brother found out about you and Bipasha plotting.
Mustan: So we are going to pair you up with Katrina. Shoot song.
Akshaye: Great, I get both the women.
Akshaye couldn't have been more happier.

Schedule 5:
Bipasha and Saif show up demanding an explanation for this betrayal.
Bipasha: f**kers, Katrina is getting more songs than me. What am I doing in the film?
Abbas: Well, she has only songs, you have scenes.
Saif: Sorry I got wet in the rain, I don't have the continuity costume.
Mustan: It's okay, we are going to shoot a rain scene today.
Abbas: A hot lovemaking scene with the horses.
Bipasha: Cool, what should I do?
Mustan: You bite him and do your Jism thing all over again… It's your movie.

Schedule 6:
Katrina: I'm walking out of this movie. I thought I had equal role and I am getting only songs?
So Abbas Mustan come up with a new plan.
Abbas: Change location. Insert flashback. We are going to say you and Saif got married in Cape Town.
Mustan: Tomorrow, we leave for Cape Town.
Katrina: So I get the guy??
Mustan: Which guy?
Katrina: Saif.
Mustan: Of course.
Katrina: But we shot a song with me and Akshaye.
Abbas: We will figure that out, don't worry.

Schedule 7:
Akshaye and Saif finally make it to the same schedule.
Saif: What's the scene?
Abbas: The same scene from Baazigar, you are talking when one of you pushes the other.
Bipasha walks in.
Bipasha: So what do I do?
Mustan: You push Saif. Because you plotted against Saif with Akshaye.
Saif: So I die in the movie?
Abbas: Arrey, it's only interval, we'll bring you back.
Akshaye: I don't understand what's going on. I'm just going to drink some more and watch yesterday's rushes.
As he's sitting and watching rushes of Saif-Bipasha lovemaking scene.
Akshaye: What has the world come to. My brother doing my wife.
Abbas-Mustan hear this.
Abbas: What a brilliant line. We have to use this in the movie.
Mustan: Audience will clap.
Akshaye: As long as you know what's going on.

And just as they sat to tie up all the loose ends, the producer tells them Anil Kapoor and Sameera have given dates for the film too.

Schedule 8:
Anil Kapoor walks in with his breakfast basket from the hotel with Sameera.
Abbas: This is brilliant. Like Karamchand. You keep eating fruits through out the movie.
Mustan: You solve this mystery.
Sameera: And what do I do?
Abbas: You are going to play someone who does not understand what's happening and keep asking silly questions.
Anil Kapoor: If you don't mind Sameera, hold my banana, I have to take a leak.
Mustan: Wah! Kya dialogue hai Sir. Roll Camera.

After eight schedules of shoot, Abbas-Mustan went back to the table and sat with the Editor and cinematographer and brainstormed for the next 30 minutes on what are the other scenes they needed to shoot.

Hilarious, i laughed so hard.

BEST REVIEW I'VE EVER READ!! LMAO!!!

I Think I will make this THE SUDHISH KAMATH REVIEW THREAD and post his old reviews cuz most of them are like amazing!

What's Your Rashee? Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
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In astronomy, comets are often named after the people behind the discovery.

Can such a convention can be applied for astrology too? Because 'What's Your Rashee' marks the discovery of a new zodiac sign.

We could find water on the moon, so why should it surprise us that Ashutosh Gowariker has discovered a new Rashee?

Hero Harman Baweja's Yogesh Patel is officially the first-known movie character to be born under this sign. Actually, we suspect that his character in Love Story 2050 took was born under the same one.

What's Your Rashee? Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
Jump to Comments
In astronomy, comets are often named after the people behind the discovery.

Can such a convention can be applied for astrology too? Because 'What's Your Rashee' marks the discovery of a new zodiac sign.

We could find water on the moon, so why should it surprise us that Ashutosh Gowariker has discovered a new Rashee?

Hero Harman Baweja's Yogesh Patel is officially the first-known movie character to be born under this sign. Actually, we suspect that his character in Love Story 2050 took was born under the same one.

Strictly going by the traits displayed by Hurman, people born under the influence of 'Jackass' a.k.a. the Gadha Rashee, I have tried to come up with a preliminary analysis of the type, Linda Goodman style.



Sun Sign: Jackass

Rashee: Gadha

January 1-December 31, 2050 – 2008


How to Recognise Jackasses

Physical appearance: Jackasses are very self-conscious, they do not display their real emotions primarily because of a congenital disability that makes you wonder if they are wooden. They are like those cheap Made in China fakes… Apparently fakes and replicas are quite different. Fakes maybe made of a different material and are easy to tell apart from the originals, replicas are manufactured with the same materials (Mr. Baweja Sr. can only pray and hope that no material from one Rakesh Roshan was used in the production of his Jr. Baweja).

When kissed by the Princess, the right frog can turn into Prince Charming but no amount of kissing ass can make Ashu transform it into a horse.

Jackasses often pretend to be horses and the first sighting of this behaviour happened during a disaster called Love Story 2050. But with the right technicians, Jackasses can be made to look like fine horses from certain angles and this does happen in once in a while in 'What's Your Rashee' too. (To be fair, Hurman has come a long way from 2050 days. He now looks human, not like the bad visual effect he used to look like)

So yes, Jackasses are confused and do not have an identity or mind of their own. They belong to families involved in scams… the kind of family that would even sell their son for money. Jackasses do not have a spine to stand up and do the right thing.

Jackasses get easily influenced overnight because of a book they just read and teary-eyes of their loved ones could make them go shopping for women who've been kindly listed on the basis of how much they are worth. (I am seriously curious to see how the Gujarati community reacts to this movie. The last thing Gujarat needs is another riot.)

Here's how Jackasses behave with assorted sun signs of the opposite sex in Ashutosh's universe that speaks and breathes Gujarati rather credibly within the stereotypes employed for the sake of comedy.

Jackass and Aries

Ashutosh's Aries girl is a Behenji-Turned/trying to be-Mod.

Jackasses are observant and clever enough to spot a BTM by a mere glance of the regional newspaper in her handbag or her inability to smoke or speak English. She might look like Priyanka Chopra and would fit the profile of the Before Makeover Romantic Comedy type but that's not good enough for an American Gujarati Jackass who waits tables/ freelances as a DJ in Chicago.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Aquarius

Jackasses have rather simple desires. A hawt Priyanka Chopra who speaks with an American accent and drives a convertible is just the perfect match. Okay, and if the Aquarian hawt chick already has a boyfriend and is only willing to be a friend, what choice would a jackass have but to grab what he gets – even if it's just a late night drive. Outcome: Girl finds back-up bakra.

Jackass and Gemini

Jackasses know lines from trashy romance movies by heart and can also dance. A Jackass may find an equally romantic girl who is full of life and not hesitate to break her heart on account of a technicality – that he needs to get married in 10 days. A Jackass has the same approach to girls as he would have when he's shopping for an underwear.

"Ok, I want Amul because… Yeh Toh Bada Toing Hai. But if you can't give it to me right now, I will buy something else."

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Cancer

Jackasses would've liked their partner to be a virgin but they are willing to compromise. If the girl is able to guarantee that she will be able to outdo and improve her past performance in terms of quantum of love disbursed, a Jackass might consider her. A mere promise of "I will surely try" is not good enough. He has other women to check out. Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Libra

Jackasses are terrified of confident, bossy women. They get nightmares of being at the receiving end of S&M and all… Never mind the hypocrisy that he's getting married for money, a Jackass does have a problem with her getting married for professional reasons. Jackasses can be proudly hypocritical.

Outcome: Jackass's ego's hurt

Jackass and Pisces

Jackasses are very scientific and rational. They feel claustrophobic when a rich spoilt girl offers unconditional love because she is certain that their bond is eternal and has lasted more than a lifetime.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Leo

Jackasses suck when it comes to wooing hawt chicks. Even if all they had to do was suck on a gola to get the rock-star item girl with a thousand fans.

Outcome: Jackass disappoints girl

Jackass and Scorpio

Bring an ordinary girl and introduce her to a Jackass and he would be like, when's the next girl coming man? But the minute she changes into a short skirt and sports a hawt wig, Jackasses get excited but then again… They cannot deal with girls who want to be a supermodel and walk ramps around the world.

Outcome: Jackass liberates girl to chase her dreams (while actually rejecting her and the dumb girl does not even know)

Jackass and Sagittarius

Jackasses are virgins (nothing to do with Virgos) and fight shy of premarital sex. They find people believing in astrology ridiculous (Yes, you can imagine why they can't relate to such old-fashioned folk in today's world especially when he's the one going around checking out girls on the basis of their Rashees).

Outcome: Jackass leaves girl horny in bed.

(Good thing that Jackass does not have Barney Stinson (HIMYM) for a friend…Imagine Barney's frustration! "The Bulls Eye comes to your gun and all you had to do was hit that")


Jackass and Virgo

Now, Jackasses though raised in the most traditional families have never felt at home in their place of origin. To expect a Jackass to work in a developing country is plain unreasonable and unimaginable, even if the girl is the perfect one and has the natural ability to strike a balance between work, relationships and doing what gives her happiness, irrespective of money.

Outcome: Jackass hurts girl

Jackass and Taurus

Give the Jackass the hottest looking, fun-loving, singing-dancing Princess and unlimited money and he will still turn it down if he finds her even a wee bit retarded and never get back to her.

Outcome: Jackass does not realise it was just a test

Jackass and Capricorn

A Jackass is not a paedo and you have to give him that. It's another thing that he may still fantasise about the 15-year old in a dream song when he's confused about which of the 12 to choose.

Outcome: Jackass liberates girl (this is also the ugliest girl of the lot but luckily, Jackass has a valid reason to reject her on the basis of age)

Jackass as a hero

Yes, Jackasses are also a little dumb taking after the animal the sign is named after. Moments after the Aquarian girl leaves telling him that she needs to explain and sort out something, he wonders why she left. He believes anything people would tell him (provided they are not women of course).

Jackass protagonists are characters even their creators don't like.

In the interest of concealing the identity of the girl he would marry from the audience, director Ashutosh decides not to take the boy's opinion into consideration.

Because the director knows his hero is a Jackass who is not capable of making up his mind. So he further highlights his hero's smartness by having him look cluelessly at his bride and wonder who the hell she could be (since all of them anyway look like Priyanka Chopra who until this moment has been fantastic in each of her roles, giving each one a nice unique quirk that's typical of her sun-sign). No prizes for guessing which girl chooses him (Just scan through the Outcomes and you will understand how the director discovered a new sun sign).

Could there BE anyone more stupendously moronical? I was completely intrigued by such a simply basic yet complexly paradoxical, near ill-defined, character type at this stage and it finally hit me that Ashutosh Gowariker had invented a new sun sign.

So I looked hard at Hurman's face on the screen and wondered: Dude, What's Your Rashee?

And at the end of the film, he gave that smile that said it all. Jackass, of course.

P.S: Ashutosh would do well to add all his deleted scenes to this three and a half hour fare and then make it a TV series like Mr. Yogi did. Watch it for the spirited Priyanka Chopra. Two stars.

That was just about the meanest yet funniest thing I have read so far!!! 😆😆😆

Originally posted by: soapie

That was just about the meanest yet funniest thing I have read so far!!! 😆😆😆

Poor Harman...Lolz! 😆

Ha Ha Ha I Agree btw How did you Like the Race review in the first page? 😳

haha awsom witing for other review

Originally posted by: -Divyaa-

Ha Ha Ha I Agree btw How did you Like the Race review in the first page? 😳

The Race one had me in splits!!! 😆😆 Especially the bit about Saif being clueless about his role and Akshay getting happy that he gets both the girls!!! Lolz! And the last bit about Anil and Sameera...😆😆

Ha Ha his name is sudhish kamath he's a film critic on the HINDU he's also a small time maker!
here you go another one!
I almost died laughing!

All about "Garv" ... Shilpa Shetty with Salman Khan.
AS TEMPTING it might be to highlight all that's bad about "Garv," we will dedicate this review to the spirit of Bollywood (after all 95 per cent of all Hindi cinema is like "Garv" or worse) and list only what is good about Salman's latest venture!

Ten things about "Garv" - Pride and Honour' which will make Salman's mostly-shirtless chest swell in pride: 1. Easy-to-remember storyline: Salman is Arjun Ranawat, a good cop with beautiful sister Raakhee Trivedi (Akanksha Malhotra) and adopted widow mother (Farida Jalal). He takes on gangsters and corrupt politicians and loses his best friend Haider Ali (Arbaaz Khan) in the process. This goads him into taking the law into his own hands. 2. Innovative Mahabharath touch to a cop-versus-bad guys saga. Full credit to 'Duryodhan' Punit Isarr for that. There's Sanskrit slokas, conch shell background score, 'shuddh' Hindi, flaring nostrils, 'maa'-melodrama, sword-fight, sledge-hammer replacing the mace as a weapon and Arjun for a hero's name. Also there is an attempt at 'vastra-haran.' 3. Very creative names. In any case, people with names like Hakeem Lukha, Zafar Supari, Pappu Kalia and Yeda ought to be shot. And, they are. This scene is in the trailer of 'Garv,' catch it on TV. All of Shilpa Shetty's scenes have appeared on TV. She's only in the songs by Sajid-Wajid.

4. Friendly neighbourhood explosives used. It is an eco-friendly 500 tonnes of RDX that is used in "Garv." Let alone a crater, the explosives imported from Dubai do not even destroy the cartons holding it.

5. Originality of ideas. This movie has some never-ever-seen-before scenes. Like when henchmen Yeda is asked: 'Goli kaisey logey? Whisky ke saath, soda ke saath, paani ke saath ya direct?' (How would you like to take the bullet? With whisky, soda, water or direct?) As Arbaaz shoves the three glasses filled with bullet into the baddie's mouth, Yeda bites the bullet! 6. Privacy. There were exactly 38 people in the balcony on Monday's matinee show. Most of these were young couples who had the most romantic date. As a bonus, there were trailers of "Dhoom," "Julie" and "Mujhse Shaadi Karoogi" for some serious entertainment.

7. Salman's social message issued in public interest or sense of humour (sic). As he stays on to sip yet another drink at the nightclub, brother Arbaaz tells him, "Zyaada peena mat. Gaadi tujhe chalani hai" (Don't drink. You have to drive). And, Salman smiles meaningfully. Either it was a genuine social service message or maybe to promote "Dhoom" and it's tag-line: "Stay off the road."

8. Well ... er... couldn't find two MORE good things. Sorry.