Ehi Murare

Ehi Murare Completed G

Jambavati

Published On Wednesday,Apr 15, 2020 15:17 PM GMT-06:00

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BrhannadaArmour
BrhannadaArmour @BrhannadaArmour 1 months ago This is beautifully written!

The beginning is suspenseful, and I like how you made it immediately clear that Jāmbavatī’s people are villagers, not cave-dwelling monkeys or bears. (Although you later refer to the King of all bears.) Jāmbavatī’s curiosity makes her an interesting character, and the way Kṛṣṇa appears through Jāmbavatī’s eyes is believable.

So, Jāmbavatī’s mother is also dead, like Rukmiṇī’s! Jāmbavatī’s habit of tiptoeing around her father’s rage is relatable.

Jāmbavatī’s meeting with Hanumat is amusing, and the guilt that Hanumat and Jāmbavat feel about Sītā’s children is very moving. However, I don’t understand why Hanumat and Sītā both had nasty flashbacks after she laughed at him being trussed up. Is it an allusion to Indrajit capturing Hanumat in the Aśoka garden? “It was the last time I saw her!” … should come after Sītā sets Hanumat free.

Jāmbavat lodging Kṛṣna in a dungeon, not recognizing him … Jāmbavatī saving her food for Kṛṣṇa … Jāmbavatī’s efforts to help Kṛṣṇa send a message to Rukmiṇī ... Kṛṣṇa wanting Hanumat to visit … are all poignant details.

By the way, why have you changed Dvārakā to Dwarika and Prasena to Prasanta?

I don’t understand why you use the word “coven” for a place - a wrestling-ring? “Coven” means a group. Anyway, Jāmbavatī’s flashback was written very believably.

I have some proofreading suggestions; I'll put them in a reply.
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