FF: Ishq-e-Watan *Chapter 78 Posted* - Page 98

CHAPTER 74

REFLECTIONS

"You seem better", Koel said, leaning against the desk.

Faizi glanced up, a small smile appearing on his face. He moved closer to her, snaking his arms around her waist. She smiled back, her arms hooking around his neck. "Aap hoti hain, mahutarma, toh sab waise hi behtar hota hai", he muttered, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers.

"Faizi", she muttered between kisses, but he cut her off with another kiss. She broke the kiss, leaning back slightly. "You are okay, na?"

"Of course", he muttered. She gave him a look. He sighed. "I am okay, Koel. Kal kaafi der hum range par the. It helped."

"That's good." She gently pushed him away, and he took the hint, taking a step back. "Faizi... do you think you should talk to a therapist?" He paused at the unexpected question. "Shayad tumhe better feel ho."

"Hume therapist se baat karne ki zaroorat nahi hai", he dismissed, turning away.

"Faizi..."

"Koel", he said firmly, shaking his head. "Hum theek hain. Hume bas thoda waqt chahiye." She sighed, nodding.

"But promise me, if it gets too much, tum therapist ke paas jaoge. I don't want you to keep things in. It's not good. Promise?" He nodded and she smiled, nodding back.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan glanced over to his brother, who stared at the screen. He wasn't sure what he was doing and at the moment, he wasn't particularly interested either.

"Bhaiya... mujhe aapse kuchh puchhna hai", he blurted out. Param looked at him, his eyebrows furrowing. He nodded. "Aap... Aap Bhabhi ke baare mein... kya feel karte ho?"

"Kya?" He stared at him incredulously. "Tu peekar aaya hai? Ya sar par chot lag gayi tere? Kya behki behki baatein kar raha hai? Main usse pyaar karta hoon. I love her."

"I know but how do you feel that? How do you... How do you know? How do you know yeh pyaar hai? And... jo aap mere liye feel karte ho, ya apne doston ke liye feel karte ho... how is it different? Bhabhi ke saath aisa kya alag hai? I know it's... it's not like jo woh movies mein dikhaate hain. Sab kuchh udh raha hai- baal, dupatta, dimaag. But... actually mein kaisa feel hota hai?"

Param turned his entire attention to him, staring at him. "Yeh achaanak tujhe romantic feelings mein itna interest kyun aa raha hai? Tujhe toh shaadi, relationships, romance, in sab mein koi interest nahi tha. Kya badla?"

He shook his head. "Kuchh nahi. I am just... curious."

"Yeh curiosity kahan se aa rahi hai?"

Karan rolled his eyes. "Arey, aa gayi kahin se bhi. Mujhe kya pata? Aa gaya dimaag mein. Mat batao. Itna bhaav kha rahe ho. Aur log bhi hain jinko pyaar hua. Kisi aur se puchh leta hoon."

"Agar kutta do pairon par chalne lage, toh hairaani toh hogi hi, na?"

"Aap mujhe kutta bol rahe ho?"

Param rolled his eyes. "Itna touchy mat ho", he snapped. "Kya jaanna hai tujhe?"

"How does it feel to be in love? How do you know you're in love?"

He paused, tilting his head. "Depend karta hai. Things are different from the start aur baad mein cheezen badal jaati hain, evolve karti hain. Maturity ki wajah se, aapke circumstances ki wajah se, comfort ki wajah se. But... when you're in love, all you really want is the best for that person. You want to be with them, you want to share things with them, you want to support them and for them to support you. You feel... like tu apne jaisa behave kar sakta hai unke saath. No pretenses, no judgments. Aisa nahi ki unke bina you are incomplete or something but you find somebody who fits in your edges. Tujhe samajh aa raha hai kuchh?"

Karan nodded slowly. "Shayad. Toh... you don't hear ghanti ya kuchh? Kuchh itna dramatic nahi hota, na?"

His nose scrunched up in confusion. "Ghanti?" He asked. "Ghanti kahan se aa gayi? Pyaar ho raha hai ya school ki chhuti ho rahi hai jo tujhe ghanti sunegi?"

"Fair", he muttered in agreement.

"Dekh... the best way to describe romance waala pyaar is... loving someone while being attracted to them. And by attracted, I don't mean just physically. I mean, you are attracted to their thoughts, their beliefs, their values, even if you don't agree with them. You are interested in them. Tum unhe jaanne mein interested ho. You want to understand every part of what makes them them. Woh ek bheedh ka hissa ho sakte hain and you will still pick them out because tumhe lagta hai unn jaisa koi ho hi nahi sakta. Does that make sense?"

He hummed. "Haan. Thanks."

"Aur kuchh puchhna hai?" He shook his head. "Nikal phir. Mujhe kaam karna hai. Itni subah subah itna sochna padh gaya." Karan stood up. "Achha, sun?" He turned back. Param smiled slightly. "Ladki kaun hai? Monami?"

He shook his head. "Koi nahi hai."

He raised his eyebrows. "Ladka hai? It's okay. I don't mind."

"Bhaiya! Nahi!"

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"So, you shot a gun?" Vamika confirmed. Monami jerked her head down, her eyes down on her hands. "That is very good, Monami. Even if it was with a silencer." She lifted her eyes just enough to give her a soft smile. "How did it make you feel?"

She bit her lip. "N-Now, it d-doesn't feel b-bad. It... It m-makes me f-feel proud but... uss t-time par it... it m-made me th-think of the... the t-terrorist j-jisne M-Mumma ko m-maara tha."

"So, you associate the gun with the terrorist? It's not just the sound?" Monami shook her head. "But the sound triggers you more." That wasn't a question but she nodded anyway. "Monami, what exactly did you see when you shot the gun?"

She swallowed, closing her eyes and swallowing slightly. "The t-target was him. And... And w-woh p-paas aa r-raha tha. He was... He was sm-smiling. It... It r-reminded me of the t-time when he u-used to c-come and r-record."

"Record?"

She nodded. "Th-They used to s-send v-videos to p-provoke Mumma's u-unit."

Vamika paused. "He used to record torturing you", she confirmed. Monami nodded. "Jab tumne uss terrorist ko dekha, were you angry or were you scared?" There was a long pause of silence. The therapist leaned forward. "You are safe here, Monami. From the terrorist, from judgment. You are safe now."

"I was v-very s-scared", she croaked out. "M-Main bas u-usse d-door r-rehna ch-chahti thi." She opened her eyes. "V-Vamika... I w-want ki jin l-logon ne m-mere Mumma ko maara hai, th-they... they g-get what th-they d-deserve. But... But usse z-zyaada, I w-want them to st-stay away from me. D-Does that..." Her voice trembled violently.

"Monami... how does that make you feel?"

"Weak!" She sobbed out. "It makes me feel so weak! Darpok! It makes me feel like main yahan nahi belong karti hoon because... because soldiers aren't this weak."

Vamika stared at Monami. This was the most vulnerable she had seen the girl, crying like a baby with her hands pulling at her hair. So much pain, so much insecurities that she kept inside. It was almost a minute later that her sobs reduced to sniffles and she swept at her eyes. She reached over, grabbing some tissues and wiping her wet face clumsily. "Monami, can you look at me?" It took a few moments before she finally lifted her red eyes to hers. "Do you think agar tum uss terrorist par gussa hoti toh that would be better?"

She nodded. "B-Because th-that would have m-meant ki ag-agar main unse k-kabhi d-dobara mili, I'll be a-able to l-look them in the e-eye. I h-hate being af-afraid. M-Mujhe... Mujhe iss d-darr se b-bahar aana hai."

Vamika leaned forward. "Monami", she said softly. "It's understandable agar tumhe unn terrorists se darr lagta hai. Anyone would be. Even the best of the soldiers. Even ab bhi, a lot of soldiers, agar unke saath woh ho jo tumhaare saath hua, it'll still very much affect them. You are not weak for being afraid. Not at all. Do you really think jitne bhi logon ko tum admire karti hoon, as soldiers- tumhaari Mumma, Karan, Faizi, Sanju... Param- all these people, they aren't afraid of anything?"

"Y-Yes, but... but they c-can act d-despite their f-fear."

"Exactly, Monami. You have to understand ki jo tumhaara darr hai, that stems from trauma. Deep, deep trauma. And you have to accept jo consequences uske saath aate hain- the nightmares, the anxiety, the fear- maybe yeh sab nahi jaayega. Tumhaari poori life, maybe nahi jaayega. But that doesn't mean you have to live so afraid. You will be able to think clearly, despite these things. Not because you are not afraid, but because you'll be able to think. You'll be able to manage your fear." The cadet swallowed, wiping the few tears that leaked from her eyes. Vamika smiled at her. "You are getting better. Even if you don't realize it yet. Will you be able to handle another homework?" She nodded. "Tum teenon trainers ke paas jao and jab bhi time mile, try shooting with a silencer. Can you do that?"

Monami took a deep breath, jerking her head down. She wouldn't back down. She would do it.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Sanju stared at the floor, absentmindedly listening to her mother drone on and on about some boy. He was perfect, according to her mother. But she hadn't it in her to even listen. It seemed like a betrayal to Siddharth to even listen.

"Amma", she interrupted softly.

Her mother stopped speaking, perhaps picking up on her unusual tone. There was a long moment of silence. "Ke hua, Sanju? Kachhu hua hogo kaa?"

She paused. How did she convince her to stop looking? She... had found someone. But the thought alone brought questions she had no clue how to answer. Would Siddharth want to commit to her for marriage? Would she want to commit? They came from different worlds. So different. Should she tell her mother about him? "Amma... aapko naa lagto hai ki... ki hum apne laane ladka khud dhoond sakto hain?" There was silence from the other side. Complete silence. So, she hastened to continue. "Humaara matlab hogo... Amma, gaon mein aisa ladka milna mushkil hogo, na, jo humaare laane theek hogo. Aap... Aap samajh raho hain, na?"

There was another pause and Sanju opened her mouth again. "Samajh raho hain hum, Sanju. Sab samajh raho hain." She bit her lip at the tone. "Mauda kaun hogo?"

"Amma... aisa-"

"Amma hain hum tumhaari", she interrupted sternly. "Jhooth bolne ka sochno bhi mat. Naam?"

She sighed. "Siddharth", she admitted softly. "Humaara cadet hogo."

She hummed. "Sirf tu pasand karto hai, yaa woh bhi?"

"Woh bhi. Amma... hum aur Siddharth kaafi alag hogo par... par hum ek doosre ko samajhto hain. Hum... abhi usse shaadi naa karna chahto hain. Hum itna naa jaanto hain use, aur naa woh hume. Hume thoda waqt chahiyo par hum chahto hain ki aap yeh ladke dhoondna band karo."

Her mother sighed. "Sanju, hum... hum uss ladke se milno se pehle kuchh naa keh sakto hain. Tu le le samay. Par tujhe humse ek vaada karna padego. Agar hum woh ladka naa pasand aayo, toh tu uss ladke se byah nahi karegi." Sanju paused. "Humne tujhe bahut chhut de rakhi hai par iska yeh matlab naa hai ki teri zindagi par humaara koi haq naa raho hai ya teri zindagi se hume koi farak naa padto hai."

It was a fair bargain. She wouldn't have married Siddharth if her family disapproved, even if her mother hadn't explicitly stated so. "Ji, Amma. Hum vaada karto hain."

"Aur sun, gaon mein yeh baat kisi ko naa pata chalni chahiyo. Yeh sab shehar waalon ke kaam hoto hain. Humaara naa. Samjhi?" There was a certain coldness to her tone. She wasn't happy with this. But Sanju hummed her agreement. She had allowed it. There wasn't anything more that she could ask. "Chal, hume uss maude ke baare mein bata?" It was a long talk but Sanju happily answered the questions, presenting every detail she demanded.

"Hi", a soft voice said and she turned around, smiling. Siddharth. "Monu ne bataaya aap yahan hoge."

"Humne Amma ko tere baare mein bata diyo", she blurted out.

The cadet froze, staring at her with wide eyes. "Humaare... relationship ke baare mein?" She nodded. "Uh... okay." He paused, exhaling. "Okay. Agar tumhe yeh theek laga toh... alright."

"Tujhe koi dikkat hogo?"

He shook his head. "Nahi. I am just... surprised. Humaare relationship ko ek mahina bhi nahi hua hai, toh I didn't really expect it. But it's okay." He smiled at her, a little hesitantly, taking a step closer. "Par I need some time Daddy ji ko bataane se pehle."

She nodded. "Humaari Amma humaare laane ladka dhoond raho hain. Hume woh kisi ladke ke baare mein bata raho the isliye humse raha naa gaya."

His face scrunched up and he took another step closer, snaking an arm around her waist. "Tumhaare parents tumhaari shaadi karaana chah rahe hain?" He asked quietly, his eyebrows dipping. She nodded. His jaw clenched tightly, but he didn't say anything. Merely, pulling her closer in a hug. She lifted her arms, burying her face in his shoulder. "You know, na, I love you, Sanju."

She hesitated slightly. It was awkward to say the words back but he was waiting. He wanted to hear them. "Hum bhi", she muttered softly. "Hum bhi tujhse pyaar karto hain, Siddharth." He exhaled slightly, kissing her head. She didn't protest or push him away, letting him hug her. He had been on edge enough as it was with Barkha and Baby in the academy.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan paused slightly. Should he ask Colonel Batra for advice too? Romantic feelings were... very subjective, to say the least. He trusted his brother but a second opinion wouldn't hurt.

"Karan?" The colonel said. "Kya hua?"

He chewed on his lip in thought before pulling back the chair and sitting down. "Sir... mujhe aapse kuchh... puchhna hai."

"Haan, puchho", he said. "Sab theek hai, na?"

"Haan, just... just curiosity. How... How do you know you... you love someone?" He rushed out. The older man's eyebrows shot up. "In a... you know, not platonic way."

"Romantically?" He confirmed. Karan dipped his head down in a nod. He didn't quite have a lot of these conversations with his adoptive dad- any, really. He smiled slightly, leaning forward. "Karan, jab tum kisi se pyaar karte ho, toh everything about them seems... endearing. Even things jo tumhe generally nahi pasand aati hain. Agar pareshaan bhi kar rahi hain woh tumhe, toh bhi tum actually mein pareshaan nahi hoge. You'll... You'll enjoy being with them. You'll want the best for them. You'll want them to be happy and take care of them. You'll enjoy being... close to them." He gave a look, and Karan tilted his head slightly, catching the implication.

"What is different? Romance mein aur bas ek bahut achhi friendship mein?"

He hummed. "I think a good way to think this is ki what do you want to be in their lives. Agar sirf dost hai, toh tum zaroor chaahoge ki woh tumhaari life ka ek important part rahe, but there are boundaries. Hai, na? You want to be closer to a partner. Emotionally, mentally, physically. Lesser boundaries, although of course, relationships also have boundaries. Does that answer your question?"

"Shayad", he said. Did he feel any of that for Monami? The attraction, the closeness, the care, the... the love? His eyes drew back to the colonel and he offered him a small smile. "Thank you." He stood up, turning around.

"Karan", his voice halted him. "Can I ask who's the girl?"

He hesitated. "Abhi tak, koi nahi hai", he said carefully. "Sir, main..." He nodded, watching the younger agent leave. He smiled. Abhi tak. He shook his head. Seemed like he was growing up too now.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Humaare cryptology department ne finally woh codes crack kar liye hain", Param said, pushing the file towards him. "Woh codes jo hume uss safe house se mile hain. They are dates. Possibly dates of attack."

"The earliest one is 26th January", he read aloud. "Humaare paas time hai."

The agent hummed. "Kaafi time hai. But now that Sayed is dead, maybe they changed some plans. Bomb traces jo unke haath par mile the, they suggest ki bomb blasts karenge. EFR likes to bomb anyway. Par the question is ab, kahan?"

"What does Karan think about this?"

"He thinks it'll be a military base. Ya phir koi political republic day ki celebration", he said. "I doubt woh Delhi parade ko interrupt kar paayenge. They don't have enough resources for that. So, it'll likely be a military base."

"Param, it'll be better agar hum unke bases ko khatam karein. Not just stop an attack."

He hummed. "We need to be prepared for both. But we have time now. And some inside information. So, there's that." He reached into the file, producing a photo of Virat. "Sayed ka handler. Agar hum ise maar dete hain, it'll be a huge blow."

"Woh abhi tak bhaag gaya hoga", Batra dismissed.

"Not if he is involved with the bomb blasts", he countered. "He'll stay. Bomb blasts mein probably Deolali mein hi honge. At least, the first one. It would make sense." He leaned forward. "We need to go on the offensive. Raids. Arrests. We will destroy their presence here."

Colonel Batra exhaled. "Okay. Agar tumhe woh theek lage toh theek hai. I need a detailed, official plan as soon as possible."

"Sir."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan sat on his bed, the pages of his diary only really lit by the ample moonlight that filtered in through the open window. Beside him, Faizi snored on his bed, a constant and periodic sound that was effortlessly tuned out by him. His pen scribbled across the pages in a fast scribble.

'Monami ke baare mein sochna bhi aise ajeeb lagta hai. Not because there is anything wrong with her but because kabhi kisi ko aisi nazar se dekhne ka socha hi nahi. Anyone would be lucky to have someone like her as a partner. Meri zindagi mein usse zyaada sundar ladki nahi dekhi maine. She's smart, kind, patient, supportive. Who wouldn't fall for her? But... yeh sochna ki main hi uske baare mein kuchh feel karunga... comes off a surprise.

Bhaiya ne kaha if you love someone, you would be interested in them. In every sense of the word. Was I? Sir ne kaha, you would find everything endearing. Did I? Bhaiya ne kaha you would search for them in a crowd? Will I?

Jo bhi main Monami ke liye feel karta hoon... my protectiveness over her, my affection, my admiration... kya woh sach mein dosti se aage kuchh ho sakta hai? Is it wise to have these feelings, for Monami of all people? Jab se uss welcome party ki raat, usne mujhse woh sab kaha tha, main use apni responsibility maan chuka hoon.'

Karan let out a shaky breath, staring at the words on the paper.

'Yes. Her comfort was the most important. She needed it. Jo bhi main uske liye feel karta hoon, it is unimportant. Everything comes after her comfort, her happiness. My feelings, whatever they are, are not important. Unke baare mein sochkar mujhe kuchh nahi milega. It's useless.'

He closed the diary abruptly, capping his pen. He looked down at it, the thoughts itching and swirling in his head but he pushed them away, keeping the diary aside and sliding down. He closed his eyes.

'You are... calm. Like... like I have to swim in an ocean but you're a boat, and I can rest when I am with you.'

'Maine... maine tumse zyaada sundar ladki apni life mein nahi dekhi hai.'

He squeezed his eyes tighter, pushing the words away. He was thinking too much. He needed to get this out. He had to focus on something else. EFR. What would be their next move?

And so, the tables turned, EFR the distraction he needed to keep his mind off the girl. How ironic.