FF: Ishq-e-Watan *Chapter 78 Posted* - Page 97

CHAPTER 73

CONTEMPLATION

Monami stared at the caller ID on the phone. Papa? She was going to call him anyway, but... for him to call her was... unusual. Concerning too. She picked it up. "Hello?"

"Monami..."

She relaxed slightly, hearing his voice. She bit her lip, sitting down on her bed. "Hi Papa. Aa-Aap k-kaise ho?"

"Good. Tum?"

"Papa... I have st-started th-therapy again", she said softly. He would want to know that. He should know that.

There was a pause. "Really?" She smiled slightly, hearing the happiness. "That's great, baccha. Therapy will really help you. Par... yeh suddenly kyun?"

She fiddled with the hem of her t-shirt. "A-Academy ne m-mandate kara hai." There was another pause. A longer one. "Papa?"

"Toh tum yeh army ke liye kar rahi ho?" He sighed. "I told you the same thing but you didn't listen to me. And now, the academy says it and-"

"No", she said. "That's... That's n-not it. Papa... a-aisa nahi h-hai ki aa-aapki b-baat ki value k-kam hai ya s-something. Par... 8 saal p-pehle b-baat alag thi. M-Main nahi k-kar paa r-rahi thi th-therapy. I c-couldn't take it. I g-genuinely tr-tried, na? Maine ek s-saal tak k-kari. But ab m-main b-better hoon. I th-think I can h-handle it. It's n-not ki aa-aapne kaha ya a-academy ne k-kaha. It's just... time aur s-situation ka d-difference."

There was another pause and he took a deep breath. "Okay", he said. "Monami... maine tumhe ek reason ke liye call kara hai. Do you... Do you remember kya aa raha hai?"

"M-Main kaise bh-bhool sakti h-hoon?" She said softly. "Mumma ka b-birthday aa r-raha hai."

He hummed. "Will you come home?"

"Papa-"

"Please, Monami", he said. "You can go back to your academy but... uss din ke liye aa jao. I can't..." He took a deep breath. "I don't want to be alone. I want you here."

She closed her eyes, tears welling up. "I w-will c-come. I pr-promise", she said. "Papa... are you o-okay? Aap... Aap th-theek nahi s-sound k-kar rahe."

Silence. He was there. She could hear his breaths. But he didn't answer. She rested her head on the wall, waiting. "I really miss her, Monami. I miss her everyday but tumhaare jaane ke baad, beta... tumhaari Mumma ki kami bhi kuchh zyaada hi khalti hai."

Her mouth parted slightly in surprise. It was the first time her father had openly expressed his pain. Usually, it was through thinly veiled taunts and the bitterness that had long been rooted in him. She wasn't sure what would comfort him. "Main... S-Saturday ko aa j-jaungi, Papa."

"Aur Sunday ko chali jaogi?" He let out a humorless chuckle.

She bit her lip. "How l-long do you w-want me to st-stay? Main... Main tr-trainers se b-baat karke thodi chh-chhuti le l-lungi."

"Is... p-permanently not an o-option?"

She sighed. "Papa..."

"3 days then. Tuesday ko waapas chali jaana."

"D-Deal." He let out a humorless chuckle. "K-Kya hua?" He didn't answer, deflecting to another topic quickly. He seemed to want to talk, surprisingly but Monami was more than happy to oblige him.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Baby ko Monami bahut pasand aayi. Subah se Monami Monami kare jaa rahi hai", Barkha said, chuckling. Karan smiled slightly. The older woman looked at him, eyeing him for a quiet moment. "Waise... sahi keh rahi thi woh. Kaafi pretty toh hai Monami." He looked at her. "Kya hua? Tum... agree nahi karte ho? You don't find her pretty, Karan?"

'Maine... Maine tumse zyaada sundar ladki apni zindagi mein nahi dekhi hai.'

He... didn't quite have the right to deny that, did he? "She is... She is pretty", he admitted softly. He looked away, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He hadn't said those words aloud sober.

She tilted her head, staring at him. "Karan... bas dost hi hai woh tumhaari?"

He heaved a sigh. "Haan, Bhabhi. Agar kuchh hota toh aapko pata hoga. I would tell you and Bhaiya. Hum bas achhe dost hain."

"Achhi dosti aur pyaar... kabhi kabhi ek jaisa sa feel hone lagta hai", she said. She held up her hand when he opened his mouth. "Karan, tumhe mujhe jawaab dene ki koi zaroorat nahi hai. Par... khud se puchho. Bas dost hi hai kya woh? Agar itna bharosa hai tumhe ki kuchh nahi tumhaare beech toh apne aap se puchhkar bhi yeh hi jawaab milega, na? Toh puchhne mein harz hi kya?"

He sighed. "Bhabhi, main uske baare mein yeh sab nahi sochna chahta hoon. Agar... Agar use kabhi pata chala, na, ki log kya sochte hain hum dono ke baare mein, toh bahut uncomfortable hogi. I don't want that."

"Are you sure woh uncomfortable hogi?" He blinked. Barkha smiled, shrugging slightly. "I don't know yeh uska nature hi hai ya kya but the first impression I got from her is... ki woh tumhe pasand karti hai. Mujhe toh lagta hai ki she has a crush on you. But uncomfortable toh approaches si hogi. Pehle samjho toh sahi apne aap ko. What you feel for her." He looked down, fiddling with his fingers. He jerked his head reluctantly. Barkha smiled.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Have you picked up a gun since your panic attack?" Vamika asked.

Monami shook her head. "Tr-Trainers ne mujhe a-allow nahi k-kara andar. They... They give me o-off on m-medical g-grounds jab sh-shooting practice h-hoti hai."

"How does that make you feel?"

She looked down at her fingers. "V-Very... weak. Helpless. L-Like itne s-saal ke baad bhi m-mera past has j-just as m-much of a h-hold over me."

Vamika scribbled something on her notepad. "Do you think you can pick up a gun again?"

She nodded. "It's n-not the gun wh-which s-scares me. Not u-usually. Ab n-nahi. It's... the sound", she admitted. "It r-reminds me of the m-moment..."

The therapist hummed. "Have you been in the room?" She shook her head. "I have a homework for you then. You have to sit there for 15 minutes. Koi kaam nahi karna hai, just sit there. Agar koi shoot kar raha hai, tab bhi try karo wahan baithne ki. But if someone is shooting and you think you are not able to handle it, wahan se nikal jao. That means you are not ready for it. Do you think you can do that?"

Monami paused. She never had homework from therapy before. She jerked her head down in a nod. That sounded feasible.

"That's good. You can take someone saath mein if you want", she said softly. She shook her head. She would be fine on her own. She should be. She just had to sit.

"I'll... I'll b-be okay."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

'You were my friend.'

Faizi stared at his gun. He killed Mridul with this gun. He closed his eyes. No. Not Mridul. Sayed. It was Sayed. He didn't' kill a friend. He killed a terrorist.

"Faizi?" Karan said softly. His eyes opened, and he turned his head to look at his best friend. "Tu theek hai?" Was he? The older agent stared back at him, before turning his head from side to side. No. He wasn't okay. He exhaled a little. Karan stood up, walking closer and sitting down next to him. "Kya tujhe baat karni hai?" He shook his head again. "Mujhse nahi ya kisi se nahi."

"Baat karke kya hoga? Kuchh nahi badlega."

"Try toh kar. Baat naa karke kya hoga? Agar kuchh tujhe itna tang raha hai toh bolde. Ya..." He pointed to the diary on his desk. "Likh le."

He sighed, rubbing his face. He stood up, tucking his gun back in the holster. "Hum thodi der shooting range mein jaa rahe hain." Karan tilted his head. "Nahi. Please... mat aao." The man nodded, standing up too and patting his back gently.

Faizi pushed open the door to the shooting range, pausing when he registered a presence almost immediately. He tilted his head down. Monami? What was she doing here? Her legs were crossed underneath her, her head bowed and her eyes closed as she sat on the floor quietly.

"I didn't expect you here", Faizi said.

Monami opened her eyes but her gaze didn't lift. "Th-Therapy h-homework."

"Therapy mein homework bhi milta hai?" She cracked a humorless smile, lifting a shoulder slightly in a shrug. The agent studied her. She... didn't quite look okay. Almost visibly folded in on herself. It reminded him of her first few weeks, meek and scared and intimidated. "Hum baith jaaye?" She shrugged again. He took that as a yes, sitting down next to her.

He closed his eyes, resting his head back against the wall. "Aap... Aap th-theek ho?" Monami asked softly.

He opened his eyes, turning his head to stare at her. He hadn't expected her to speak. He nodded slightly. "Hum theek hain." She narrowed her eyes slightly, tilting her head and staring at him. He chuckled slightly. "Kya tum Karan ko bhi aise hi dekhti ho jab woh jhooth bolta hai? Agar haan, toh hume samajh aa raha hai ki Karan tumhe itna kuchh kyun bata deta hai. Aise mat dekhiye, mahutarma. Hum theek hain. Bas... kuchh cheezen hain dimaag mein jo waqt ke saath hi jaayengi." She eyed him for a moment more so he held her gaze till she relaxed.

"Karan S-Sir mujhe k-kuchh nahi b-bataate."

He chuckled. "Aisa tumhe lag raha hoga maybe. But true nahi hai. Woh apni feelings ke baare mein tumhe kaafi bataata hai. Uske standards ke hisaab se, of course." She stared at him silently, taking in the new information. He chuckled, shaking his head. "Chhodo yeh sab. Tumhe yeh homework tumhaare guns ke fear ki wajah se mila hoga?"

She jerked her head down in a nod hesitantly. "It's... It's n-not g-guns exactly", she explained hastily. "The sh-shooting sound m-makes me th-think of... of s-some unpleasant m-memories."

He stared at her. "It was the sound?" Well, that did make sense, actually. She wasn't scared when he had first shown her how to assemble and disassemble the gun. And it was only after the triggers were pulled did she panic. He looked down at his gun at the holster and then back up at her. "Humaare paas shayad tumhe help karne ka ek idea hai. Do you want to try?"

She stared at him, nodding slightly.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Soumya was a lot like Param, not in looks- she took after her mother for that- but in habits, in characteristics and in attitude. The way she talked, the way she walked, even the way she gave people looks when she was very openly judging them. In any other circumstances, Sid would find it adorable- he loved kids, after all- but all this caused him was discomfort.

"Tu itna khoya khoya kyun hai?" Koel asked. "Kya hua hai, Sid? At least tu toh kuchh bata." His gaze lifted to her and he raised an eyebrow. She sighed. "Sorry. It's Faizi. Woh kaafi disturbed hai. But he won't talk about anything. Aur ab tu bhi itna disturbed lag raha hai."

He stared at her. It was frustrating being shut off. He wouldn't ever admit to Monami how frustrating it was to deal with her when she didn't talk. His gaze dropped slightly. "Tujhe pata hai? Param Sir aur Monami ki Mumma... they used to work together." His gaze lifted to hers- her forehead creased slightly in curiosity. "We used to be very close to Param Sir. And then... a lot of things happened. Juhi Aunty shaheed ho gaye. And... things went bad. Uske baad, Param Sir aur hum... we never talked again. Until now. Pichhle... almost 10 saalon mein humaari koi baat nahi."

"Is that why you and Monami get so upset jab Param Sir se related kuchh bhi baat hoti hai?"

"Is it that obvious?"

She shrugged. "Only to people with eyes. I didn't really get it but mujhe laga personal hai isliye puchha nahi." She hesitated. "Is it related to why Monami is like this?" His eyes snapped to hers. "You know what I mean, na? Matlab... it's not exactly a secret ki she's... she has some... trauma and stuff. And..." She shook her head. "Never mind."

"Param Sir didn't hurt her, if that's what you are asking. He... He saved her, actually", he said softly.

'Dr. Mahajan, hume Monami mil gayi hai', Param said softly. Sid's hands clenched around the railing eagerly as he watched from the first floor. He wasn't allowed in on that conversation but he couldn't resist listening in. 'She's alive. But she's... in a bad state.' Dread mixed in with the excitement in his stomach. Bad state? 'She's in the hospital but she'll make it.'

His eyes closed and he felt the tears slip down his cheeks. When he opened his eyes, he found Param looking up at him. The agent gave a small, comforting smile. He grinned back. He kept his promise. He saved his Monu.

"Monami must be 15-16 then", she said softly. "Jab jo kuchh bhi hua... that happened. That's... young."

"16", he confirmed. "She was 16." He shook his head. "I don't... Koel, mujhe iss sab ke baare mein baat nahi karni hai abhi." He rubbed his face tiredly. He needed to get these thoughts out of his head. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about Soumya since he saw her. Perhaps a drink or two would help take the edge off.

Koel stared at him quietly, taking in his zoned out eyes. He was always pretty cheerful but she had seen his seriousness just enough times that she wasn't as surprised now- concerned, yes but not surprised. So, she fell quiet, letting him wallow in his spiral of thoughts and descending into a quiet, random one of her own.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Monami stared at the piece attached to the barrel of the gun. A silencer?

"Isse awaaz badal jaati hai", Faizi said. She looked up, nodding slightly. "Do you think tumhe iske baad bhi darr lagega?" She shrugged. "Kya tumhe koshish karni hai?" She jerked her head down in a nod. It wasn't part of the assignment but it couldn't hurt to try, right? "Do you want to?" He held out the gun.

She hesitantly reached out, grasping the back of it. "C-Can I?" She confirmed.

He nodded. "Do you remember the stance?" Feet shoulders' width apart and shoulders straight, and arms firm but not tense. "Good." He adjusted the gun slightly in her hold before taking a step back. "Aim." She took a deep breath. "Now, jab bhi tum chaaho, pull the trigger." Her finger curled around the trigger.

The man's finger curled around the trigger.

She stared at the target, closing her eyes before opening them. The man was there. A cross on his forehead. His sadistic smirk- the smirk she was deathly afraid of- was firmly planted on his face. His eyes bore into hers. He walked closer. And closer. Her eyes widened. Closer. She pulled the trigger.

Her shoulder jerked and she flinched violently. She looked back at the target. There wasn't any man. Just the black silhouette of a man. She exhaled. No person.

"Tum theek ho?" Faizi asked, taking the gun from her. She let him pry it from her hand, her hands shaking slightly as the adrenaline rushed in her veins. She jerked her head down. "That wasn't a bad shot." She looked back at the target. It wasn't close to the cross on the man's forehead, but it hit the man's lips. "Tumhe recoil ke liye ready rehna hai but." She jerked her head down again, turning her head away from the target. "Monami, are you okay?" She hummed. The man... she glanced over at the target.

"Th-Thank you", she forced out shakily. "I... I sh-should go th-though. I am s-sorry."

"Monami", he said, reaching out gently. "Tum theek ho, na? Hum... Hum Karan ko bulaaye? Sid ko?"

"I am f-fine. It was... It w-was thoda... thoda overwhelming. I will be o-okay. Th-Thank you." He nodded, watching her stumble out of the training room. He hadn't pushed her too much, had he? He sighed, taking the silencer off the gun. He liked the sound of gunshots.

Monami had kept him distracted- focused on her than the thoughts that ran through his mind- but now that she was gone, the itch of the bundle of unpleasant thoughts at the back of his mind was noticeable.

He held up his gun, staring at the target. Mridul stared back. His eyes were cold, his jaw clenched tightly. No, that wasn't Mridul. That was Sayed.

Faizi pulled the trigger, watching as the bullet dug into his forehead. He blinked, staring at the new bullet hole at the middle of the cross on his forehead. He exhaled. He hadn't killed Mridul. He had killed Sayed.

He blinked again, finding Sayed staring back at him. A new bullet in his forehead. And then another. And then another.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan chewed on the inside of his cheek absentmindedly as he studied the security report. After Sayed, the entire security system was to be checked. Even if there were no more corrupted soldiers in the department, the systems needed to be checked for corruption in case Sayed had done some lasting damage.

'Sayed EFR ke boss ka beta hai.'

His thoughts briefly changed direction, remembering that tidbit of information. If that was true, there would be retaliation for sure. Faizi would be the main target if it leaked somehow that he was the one who shot Sayed. That needed to be kept as shush as it could be. He shook his head, turning his attention back to the report.

A knock on the door interrupted him and he stood up, closing the lid of the laptop. It should be Faizi. It was a fairly long time now. He must be done shooting. He opened the door.

Monami?

"Hi", he said, taking a step back and letting her in. She took a couple of shaky steps inside, her hands squeezing each other awkwardly and her eyes darting around the room. "Monami... tum theek ho?"

She jerked her head down in a nod. "A l-little... overwhelmed. Aur... Aur Sid... he h-has... he has a l-lot on his m-mind already. C-Can I... Can I s-stay here th-thodi der? You c-can... You can w-work. I d-don't mind." She shook her head. "It's o-okay a-agar aapko ak-akela k-kaam karna hai. I... I j-just-"

He gently touched her shoulders, stepping closer. "Shh", he said gently, cutting her off. "You can stay with me. It's okay. I don't mind. Do you need me to talk to you?" She shook her head. "What do you want me to do?"

"A-Apna k-kaam", she said. "I j-just want to s-sit with you."

He hesitated. "I was reading something confidential. You can be in the room with me but I'll have to sit thoda sa door. Agar tum chahti ho main tumhaare paas baithoon, I can do some other work."

She shook her head. She pointed to his bed. "C-Can I sit?"

"Of course", he said, and she sat down, taking her shoes off and pulling her knees up to her chest. He sat down on the chair, raising an eyebrow silently. She nodded, closing her eyes and resting her head on the wall next to his bed. Karan opened his laptop again, his eyes darting across the screen as he began to read.

The room was quiet, the silence interrupted at times by a mouse click or the clang of a key. It was peaceful too, a strange comfort washing over Karan with her presence. He glanced over at her a fair time later, finding her mouth slightly open and her eyes closed, clearly asleep. He chuckled, walking closer to her.

"Monami?" He said gently. She didn't even stir. That was an awkward position to sleep in. He gently stretched his hand out behind her shoulders, the other snaking around her knees as he cradled her for a momentary second before putting her down on the bed. He covered her with the bed sheet, gently tucking her hair behind her ear.

'Achhi dosti aur pyaar... kabhi kabhi ek jaisa sa feel hone lagta hai. Khud se puchho. Bas dost hi hai kya woh?'

Could there be the slightest chance that he had feelings for Monami Mahajan? His eyebrows furrowed together. What... did that feel like? Having feelings for someone in that sense? What was the distinction between a really good friend and a crush? He tilted his head, staring at her face. How was he supposed to know that now?