Guys and girls can't be friends...and jealousy - Page 3

Originally posted by: malkasub

Wally! You start a new discussion and like Tshaheen says I need to print it out and think about it when time permits.

Your take that this male female friendship does not happen sounds too general. But when you add the sister wali friendship and the partner inclusive friendship, it does sound true. I had to think of all my friends and their friends to say what all others are saying here - that until marriage it does exist, but after marriage, the spouse needs to be included, not as a compulsion.

In Deb's case, I really appreciate the friendship and take my hats off to the wife too for accepting their friendship. And I must add that once such a friendship sets in, it is so beautiful because u just cross over the gender border and become only friends. You get such a different perspective on matters that you could not have thought about. Deb, you are really lucky.

In India, I notice there is an invisible barrier that does not allow that attraction to come between friends. Its like a 'don't go there' kind of thing is mutually understood. And it becomes a part of the friendship 'not to go there' and then becomes very comfortable relationship with the attraction out of the equation. Wally, you are saying that it is never out of the equation where guys are concerned. Well then, I can only say that my male friends have been acting very well for so many years. Then again, who are we to generalize.

Saanvi calling in the middle of the night is a debate on its own. It was not an outright emergency. She did not have a miscarriage... but... we don't know her back story. I still think that she is in love with someone that Mukhi respects. There is so much more that we don't know. But going by all that she has been advising Mukhi, and the relief on knowing Aru is the diary girl, she does seem a true friend.

Lol,i can't go online during work so i have no option but wait until i get home before i can properly read and respond, but it is very humbling to know that you as well as Tshaheen take the time to print and then absorb and reply, thank you!

I know male/female relationships can't be too broadly generalized but if we deal with majority and minority, as you yourself stated,with there being so many different types of male/female friendships that it gets complicated.

I am not saying your male friends have to hide their attraction to you or lie, but i think if the woman can accept that as men, we will have those thoughts if we find you attractive but we won't cross the friendship line, then its a healthy relationship and if that understanding can be reached, then you can enjoy that friendship. it is when we hide those thoughts that i think friendships suffer. if we can see that a friendship with a woman is different for a man than what she would define as a friendship as, then its a good balance, I think women think that we can be friends the exact same way they can but we can't disassociate the same way, it may not always be a main part of the equation, but it si still part of it

That's a interesting dynamic you explain in regards to the invisible barrier that exists in India, worth a discussion all on its own!

And i do think Saanvi is a good friend, i think she herself has to learn the new role she has to play in regards to the three of them as friends, I have no question as to her friendship with Mukhi, but more in the fact she needs to be more inclusive of Aru who would far better with the advice Saanvi gives Mukhi about love :)

Originally posted by: Spartan187

Men by our very nature were not put on earth to be friends with women, period

Wally,

I DO remember that I was supposed to write a post on this topic from other side of the fence for this. :-D

But you know how I am placed right now. :-D

Today, I actually managed to watch all episodes and managed to reads a lot of posts and reply on them too.

Your post deserves a decent reply (that in my case means LONG :-D ) (Kitani bak bak karti hai yeh ladki). So it might come later.

Your post reminded me of my first boyfriend. He was a great fan of When Harry Met Sally and used to say this all the time.

I have been friends with a loads of guys (and girls) all my life. I dated a few, was attracted to a few. A few were attracted to me (at least the ones I know of) and some who were not (Obviously). While I do not agree with the generalisation of the statement, a part of it is true. It is evolutionary biology. (I will give more details in links and posts)

But I would like to post something about the whole Saanvi and her earlier engagement (or it might be just an alliance discussed by families) part.

I am really good friend of my hubby's ex (They dated during University). We recently hosted her, her husband and her two year old at our home for Christmas. :-D (He is still friends with her too)

(Me and her, spend more time talking to each other and discussing books, films, Bertrand Russel, Atheism and Jazz music)

For me, it is simple and logical equation, we chose to be together not because there was no other choice. It was because we wanted to be with each other (and not with other available options). The EXes are Exes for a reason. :-D

I became friends with her because she is the kind of person I like to spend time with. What she shared with my hubby is a past. I will decide my equation with her based on my first hand experience. :-D

I guess every relationship is different and pigeon-holing is a bad idea. (I agree, the reason something is generalized is based on how majority behaves, but that is why I use the word "Mostly" instead of "Never" or "Always" :-D )

So even if Saanvi was a part of his past, it is a past. People who were attracted to each other too do not remain so all their life.

The rule of life is change, so even the people who got attracted initially to each other can later become just great friends.

Hi Wally,

Originally posted by: malkasub

Cora - "People who were attracted to each other too do not remain so all their life. "

Cora, I just love this line. So so true! There is no such thing as forever, I'm sorry to say. Everything changes. This chemistry rubbish also wears off and we are left with the actual person. And for the attraction crap... so overrated. It is not the be all and end all of relationships. Infact friendship is!

Originally posted by: manzilmukul

Hi Wally,

I had read this the moment it was posted but had to mean to reply to it at leisure. I partly agree and partly don't with your statement. Human psychology is deep and we've come a long way from our cavemen days where procreation, survival, and progeny were the only things which were in the minds of mammals like us. In terms of psychological and behavioral patterns of interactions between men and women, physical interaction is much more convoluted as compared to black and white roles in other animals.

So, by all basic instincts, opposite genders are bound to attract each other, thereby making a friendship remain purely platonic seemingly difficult. But yes, on a day to day life, we do come across platonic friendships which do not transpire into an attraction.

The problem does arise when one of the components starts mingling with intimacy and leads to attraction!

So by far, while biologically men and women can't ONLY be friends- AGREED. Platonic relationships are a result of layered cognitive psychological behaviors which have evolved with human species.

Sorry for the JARGON, but the best way to describe a man-woman behavior is without boundaries of friendship, love or commitment. It takes years to build a friendship but it just takes a moment to destroy it. The moment can be the third entry in a dual friendship, a touch which is sexual and maybe even a deep eye-lock.

The line is frail but it certainly is there.

Lubb

Piu

P.S- It's an interesting idea to have a man's perspective on the same. Great Discussions buddy! Keep them coming!

Thanks Piu! My minor in university was psychology so the jargon makes sense to me, and my initial defintion of friendship which was a relationship devoid of attraction or sexual feelings is actually the one by Plato, where the term"platonic" originates from. Intimacy is confusing because the way psychologist use it and the average person uses it is different, in lay man's terms, intimacy means sexual but in terms of human behavior it means a close bond.

Now of course anything i wrote about human behavior cannot be black and white, there will always be exceptions to the rule, but i dealt with it here as in majority and to get the ball rolling on a good discussion which as you can see from the replies here, they are amazing which i love.

The amazing thing I loved about what you wrote was how you understand that it is walking a very line to maintain that friendship, something that lasted yrs can be changed with a look, a touch, a thought, and that was very well said by you, and that showcased to me, just how hard it is to have that opposite sex friend. is it impossible, no, but is it as easy as women think it is, not it's not for us men.

Women naturally gravitate to a friendship easier than guys, i think you are more emotionally in touch with yourselves so you can separate easier the boundaries of a guy friend and a partner or attraction, and even though we may not be cavemen, we still haven't been around long enough to evolve and be as emotionally intelligent as women are, in general, not always :)

I loved your knowledgeable post!

Dear dear Wally. I just read Piu's post and was seriously thinking in terms of human beings and man and woman and the actual meaning of it all. And then yours too saying that the man- woman equation never changes... now I actually have no answer for you, so I just have to go with the fact that I can only answer for myself that attraction is not the main course on the table where friendship with men are concerned for me.

Originally posted by: zenjoe

Class Dismissed. 😆

This blunt one liner from your post cracked me up. It was as if a professor enters a class to give a 90 minute lecture on the topic and mouths this one line instead and skits away 😆

End of discussion...haha.

I know its too late to reply on this thread but I could only login now with a backlog of last 3 episodes.

But mostly I am replying to let you know that it is an absolute pleasure to have you in this forum, someone with so much patience to deal with Indian TV along with the flair of words to put your mature viewpoint across to others. 👏

I guess more than the show, I am looking forward to such perspectives on it.

I agree to the thoughts you very articulately posted. Thanks again for this beautiful one. Keep writing!

I am glad you got a bit of the humor I try to convey in my writing, i know sometimes i come across as blunt, or too harsh, but i think I have gotten so used to posting on political or social issue posts in social media that i forget this is a nice fun forum for a indian serial lol so i should probably lighten my writing a bit lol!

I have had a few people tell me privately who I have become friends with on this forum that i need to understand the target audience and adjust accordingly and maybe not sound so...lecturing lol.

I do have a dry wit so your comment about the students expecting a long reply and I say one sentence is actually true, oftentimes i try to shock people who are expecting a huge long explanation with a short one to make them ask questions, sometimes over explaining which I tend to do occasionally leads to nobody wanting to discuss cuz its all been laid out for them, so sometimes a short answer leaves more room for discussion :)

It is never too late topost a reply, sometimes there's a lot of quick not much substance posts that can occur and it pushes down the other posts that people may miss so I am appreciative you took the time to write, thank you very much!

And I have heard from all of the regular forum people here that they also enjoy this forum's posts as much as the show itself, so they go hand in hand, so keep reading :)

Originally posted by: malkasub

Dear dear Wally. I just read Piu's post and was seriously thinking in terms of human beings and man and woman and the actual meaning of it all. And then yours too saying that the man- woman equation never changes... now I actually have no answer for you, so I just have to go with the fact that I can only answer for myself that attraction is not the main course on the table where friendship with men are concerned for me.

Another reason maybe because of my background and the closed conservative society I live in. No dating or open relationships in my circle of friends nor in the next 10 circles, so my point about attraction being overrated - may be just that - my point of view.

Btw, you sure are throwing up some serious discussions out here. 👏

I truly love all your messages Mallika. Do you know one of the things i love? It is deep fun chats that you can make people think, my point is to never try to change anybody's mind or say whats right or wrong, especially in terms of human beings where there is such a wider range of perspectives. Coraline mentioned it in her post, that she didn't say "all" but was saying "mostly" so that leaves room for people with differing opinions, such as yourself and a few other women on here.

To me that's the sign of intelligent discussions, to share, not feel judged, to be able to stimulate discussion and if someone learns something, or maybe looks at things a new way, then that's great but to me, the fact we can talk with civility and with a sense of humor in a world designed to always try making ppl think one way is the right way, that's the best part of the posts on this forum.

I do agree with you that your social circle also denotes your perspectives, in your circle it may have been very strict which my childhood was too, I wasn't allowed to talk to girls even in high school, it was only after the age of 18 when I went away for university that I began to talk to girls so i can see if i was forced to stay in a strict social circle, how that does affect things and your viewpoint towards friendship, so in your own way, you're right, that for you, men and women can be friends :)

But I promise, the next post i do will be a lighter-hearted one lol!