Posted:
Do you have a picture perfect, almost sickeningly happy life?
Author's Note: Thank you for all your support. If you want to hear me vent some more and want to know how I'd like to see the conclusion of the surrogacy track, read my OS - Karma is a B****
Do you miss the spice of kitchen politics where your mother calls your wife *witch* and your wife calls your mother the same with a capital *B*?
Does your wife love your family to the point that Suraj Barjatya can literally move in with you?
Now do you want to screw it all up?
Please follow the following steps and your life (along with your Suraj Barjatya approved family) will get screwed overnight OR your money back, guaranteed!!!
1. First step is crucially important. Make sure if your ex-wife is nice to you for a change (say a couple of times), you totally believe she had a personality transplant. No really, forget years of bad behaviour, insults and manipulation of you and your entire family and trust her with the MOST Precious thing in your life.
2. Do you trust your ex-wife now? Good. Now break the trust of your current wife. Make sure you go COMPLETELY against her wishes and use her blind trust on you to get her signature on a consent form to use part of her body without her knowledge. Because you OWN that body, remember? I mean that idiot really should know whom to trust, you know? This is not the first time you lied/cheated to get her signature on a form and this will not be the last time. I mean, DUH!!!
P.S. I know some overly modern woman will call you a jerk of the finest order. But that's okay. There are more woman who will think you actually love your wife. After all, if they expect an educated, intelligent, adult woman taking her own decisions about her own body, that's just stupidity. Don't they know that Indian women sign away all their rights as fully capable and functional human being once they sign the marriage register?
3. Now get the doctor involved in this totally unethical and illegal scam and use your wife's not-much-consent to get your ex-wife pregnant with your current wife's baby. After all, we all know about Indian Medical System, right? Wink wink, nudge nudge...
4. So your ex-wife is pregnant? Great. Now go lavish attention on her. Make sure you lavish exactly the same attention (if not more) on her as you did less than a month ago on your current wife when she was pregnant with your child.
Make sure every woman watching the show gets the point that
Baby in the womb = lavish attention from husband,
No baby in the womb = no attention from husband
So ladies, get pregnant pronto or your husband will find some other working womb without your consent.
5. What? Your current wife lost her baby while trying to save your entire family? Sorry, can't be helped. There is no physical baby in the womb, so same equation applies as mentioned above at point no. 4. No exception!
What? Miscarriage is physically and emotionally traumatic for women especially when this baby was her last hope? Errmmm... She is not whimpering in a corner and actually going through her life. So no she is not seeking attention, ergo she is not getting any.
6. Now lie to your whole family over and over (This is the easy part since you are brilliant at it). If they ask for explanation, don't answer any of their question and continue with your lies. Make sure you hang around your ex-wife all your free time so that your lies get caught and then lie some more to get out of the first lie. Getting confusing? Well, don't worry. I'm sure being such an expert you will be super successful at it.
7. Now be truly offended when your family casts doubt on your character. I mean, how dare they? Did they forget the story of our holy book, Ramayana? Who goes through fire every single time to prove their innocence? The WOMAN... Not the man... His word should be enough that he isn't lying or cheating...
***Besides you know, if you actually have to go through the holy fire, you will be bar-b-que Chicken which your family will feast on (or char-boiled potatoes since your current wife is vegetarian). So stay put and never agree to it.
I mean really, what will you say that "I cheated my current wife and took her signature using her trust on me so that I can impregnate my ex-wife with the baby and now I am lavishing attention on her because I only care about the baby and not for any woman attached to the womb which is carrying my baby?"
When you put it like that, it kinda sounds bad when you (and all the women who thinks you are a stellar husband) very well know what an incredible upstanding Indian man you are and how much you value woman. You should have your statue in every city as an example.
8. Finally when situation is completely out of control and everyone is giving your ex-wife a hard time (no one will give you hard time, don't worry. You live in India. Here a man is always right and a woman is always wrong), you confess your incredible deed. The gift you wanted to wrap in Christmas wrapper with a fluffy red bow around its neck and serve to your family.
You can now imagine, your family looking at you with proud eyes that you are the best Secret Santa ever. Your wife looking at you like the saviour of her life... After all this is all an infertile woman dreams of - getting her own DNA stamped into a baby which her husband and his ex-wife together holding hands bringing to her.
Sigh!!! Stuff dreams are made of. By the way, did you see the news where another couple had their baby through the husband's ex-wife? Hold on, what do you mean it happened with the current wife's full consent? What does that even mean? The husband didn't go behind the current wife's back by falsifying the signature? Well, she must have listened to her husband already and given consent, so he didn't have to do anything behind her back. I mean, it's all your current wife's fault really. If she had given consent willingly, you did not have to take it unwillingly. It's simple, really.
9. Now remember all those time, your ex-wife called your wife nanny? Right. Since your ex-wife, the queen mother, did you such an enormous favour, you do her one too. Make sure your current wife becomes the nanny of her own child along with your children with your ex-wife.
What do you mean how? What is nanny? A woman who raises a child on whom they have NO RIGHTS. They are basically mother like figure who gets paid (sometimes just room and board) to take care of children with full responsibility but without any rights of a mother. Uh, ring a bell? *Lightbulb*
10. Now last and final step, make sure all woman watching your incredibly generosity truly believes from the bottom of their heart that as long as a man says he loves you, he can do whatever he wants and you will have to shut up and put up with it.
Not everyone will believe that. I mean there will be some feminists type who will protest including some men who actually treat their wife like they are human being with their own wishes and desires. Ignore them. They don't understand that family is a man's possession and only he has the right to do what he wants with them. And their biggest possession? Why, their wives of course. I mean your mother will fry you on her non-stick kadai and your dad will curve your backside of you try to treat them like you treat your wife.
Only your wife will put up with it. Why? Because the society says so, all the woman who think you are awesome husband in spite of everything will say so and most importantly the CVS say so!!!
You are welcome. You can thank me later!!!
Author's Note: Thank you for all your support. If you want to hear me vent some more and want to know how I'd like to see the conclusion of the surrogacy track, read my OS - Karma is a B****
http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4485219
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