IshRa OS - When it hurts, even to cry

"Dr. Ishita is out of danger now."

"Thank god!" He heaved a silent sigh of relief. Ever since they had brought Ishita to the hospital, he was on the edge. She had jumped at the last moment, hit a rock and went unconscious. All sorts of negative thoughts kept running in his head, until he heard Dr. Manoj spell respite for him. But he still had a nagging feeling, as if this was not the whole truth, as if something else had happened, that had the power to ruin all their happiness.

He looked into Dr. Manoj's eyes, and through his expressions, found his second worst fear coming true.

"NO!" His mind screamed. "This cannot be, it is impossible..."

"Mr. Bhalla, I'm sorry. I could not save your child."

Pin drop silence. It was as if his brain had stopped registering any sound after those fateful words.

He turned around and saw his mother crying herself hoarse, saw his father-in-law mouth something, but no sound reached his ears. Had he become deaf in that moment? He felt Romi tug at his shoulder. He could not, would not, stay here. He needs to leave, go away from his family, or else...

But... He needs to know about something.

"Does she know?" He hears himself speak.

"Not yet. She's still unconscious." He finds his head nodding of its own accord, removes Romi's hand and walks away.

He walks at a brisk pace, rushes out of the hospital building, runs towards the backside, and stands in the shade of a few tall trees in a small lawn, which was privy to some sets of windows through which sick people peered out at the lush greenery.

He felt someone running after him, standing behind him. He doubled down from his waist, and vomited.

"Bhai! Bhai! Please sambhalo apne aap ko." He heard Romi. His ears had switched back on.

(Bhai! Please control yourself.)

"Romi chhod mujhe!"

(Romi leave me!)

"Bhai please! Utho yahan se. Aise mat karo bhai!"

(Bhai please! Get up from here. Don't do this please.)

"Maine kaha chhod mujhe, Romi"

(I asked you to leave me, Romi)

"Bhai..."

"ROMI LEAVE ME RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU!" He thundered in the lawn, unaware, unbothered about the five or so people around them. He didn't care what anyone thought. He hated hospitals, and this day made a new entry to his list of reasons, the biggest entry ever.

He felt Romi withdrawing himself, unsure of what to do to help him go through this pain. Before he realized, he was on the ground, stumbled down from Romi's hold, unable to stand on his knees anymore.

Unaware, he started bawling.

"Hamara bachcha! Hamara bachcha, Romi! Hamara miracle baby! Uski kya galti thi iss sab mein? Kyun aane se pehle hi voh chhod ke chala gaya humein? Aur kaisa baap hoon main? Apni nanhi si jaan ko bhi bacha nahi paaya? Usse ye duniya dekhne se pehle hi iss duniya se vida kar diya?"

(Our kid! Our little kid, Romi! Our miracle baby! What was his fault in all this? Why did he leave us, before he had even come to us? And what kind of a father am I? I could not even save my little one? I bid goodbye to him before he had even entered this world?)

"Bhai, please. Aise mat bolo, bhai. Aapki koi galti nahi hai iss sab mein."

(Bhai, please don't utter such words. You're not at fault here.)

"Sab meri hi galti hai..."

(Its all my fault.)

"Nahi bhai, upar wale ka likha hai ye sab, hum use kaise badal sakte hain. Utho bhai, sambhalo apne aap ko. Abhi toh aapko Ishita bhabhi ko bhi sambhaalna hai"

(No bhai. This was all written by HIM, how can we change that. Please get up, get a hold on yourself. You have to take care of Ishita bhabhi too.)

Ishita. Her name made him acutely aware of his condition, of their situation.

"Hum iss bachche ko saari khushiyaan denge Ishita, iska future poori tarah secure karenge"

(We'll give this kid all the happiness in this world. We'll completely secure his future.)

"Ye hamara bachcha hai Ishita. Ye iss duniya mein aayega, aur duinya ki saari khushiyaan paayega."

(This is our kid Ishita. He'll come in this world, and will get all the happiness.)

"Ishita... Kya bolunga main use? Kaise bataunga? Ye bachcha... ye uski zindagi ka sabse bada sapna hai Romi, uski sabse badi khushi... Kitne plans banaye the hum dono ne iske liye?"

(Ishita... What will I tell her? How will I tell her? This baby... This baby is her biggest dream, her biggest solace... How many plans had we made for this baby?)

And he broke down once again. Only to gather himself up, and muster all the courage that he could. He had to a put up a brave face, for her. He doesn't know how yet, but he will have to take care of her, reassure her of his love, help her come out of this agony. Only then will his anguish subside. He did not know if he could ever heal her, if she ever wanted to be healed again. With that thought, he steeled himself to face her.

Unaware to the pair of brothers, his sprawling down and collecting up was being witnessed by someone else. Someone, who had seen him hurt and wrecked n number of times, but still could not believe the sight in front of her eyes. This looked beyond repair, as if someone took a dagger and shot through his very being. Her eyes welled up seeing him in such a disheveled state.

She had seen him drunk, she had seen him crying, she had seen him in anger. She thought she had seen it all, him at his worst, but this was unfathomable. His cries of pain were something she had never heard, and it scared her to death. What had happened to this man, who until a few hours ago, was standing atop a running vehicle, bravely rescuing each and every member of his family? This man, the father of her kids. She had never seen so worn-out, so helpless, not even when he received the worst shock of his life years ago, not even when she left him for Ashok.

She saw the live action on television and had been worried sick for Adi and Ruhi. She came running to the hospital once she knew the Bhallas had all reached here. She knew she had no rights over them, she was not their mother, but she just wanted to steal a glance, to ensure her fluttering heart that her children were really fine, that they had come to no harm. That was when she heard Manoj reveal the saddest news to Raman. When she saw him running outside lifelessly followed by Romi, she followed them as well, only to observe the strongest man she ever knew crumble down.

She never wanted to come back in their life, and she did hate Ishita from all her heart. But she could never ignore the fact that she was truly the mother of her kids and she had proved it once again. She saved her children, only to lose her own.

For the first time, the woman in her felt miserable for her plight. She is a mother, albeit not as good as her, but she knows the bond that a mother and a child have, and to lose a part of your own being is a pain she would not want to inflict even on her worst enemy. In that moment, looking at her crying, staggering ex-husband, she really felt for her, for them.

Silently she turned around, and walked away, wiping those few tears that had managed to spill out of her eyes.

As she ambled out of the lawn, she felt a pair of eyes intently watching him struggling to get up. She turned around to look, but the blinds on the last window were drawn to a close, or so it looked like. What she could not see, was that the blinds were half-drawn, and there indeed was that pair of eyes behind those blinds, peeping in from the gaps.

Those red, puffy and teary eyes saw his fake pretense of strength, and immediately dried up.

A few minutes ago, when the nurse told her that they couldn't save her child, she became hysterical. She did not believe them, yet somewhere in a corner of her heart, began a silent cry. She wanted to get down, and get out, to find him, to ask him, to make him shout at this lying nurse, only to hear him bellow at Romi. She half-opened the blinds and what she saw next shook her to the core.

"You have conceived. And it's a blessing."

"Tum iss bachche ko burden kyun samajh rahi ho? Ye pregnancy hamari zindagi ta sabse bada tohfa hai"

(Why do you consider this baby as a burden? This pregnancy is the biggest gift of our lives.)

His words reverberated in his mind. Until that moment, she did not trust the nurse's words. But his booming voice, the shrill sound of his incoherent words, the weakening of his legs, they spoke volumes. And she knew. The worst had indeed come true. And it had shattered him beyond anything she had ever imagined. She did not know if she could heal him from this, if he ever wanted to heal from this. The nurse got scared for a moment there. In the patient's eyes, where there was raw pain a minute ago, there saw nothing now, just blank shells.

She closed her eyes and lay down. Her tears stopped flowing, she silently kept patting her hollow stomach. Pat, pat, pat...

He closed his eyes and stood up. His tears stopped flowing, he silently kept patting the hollow stem of the tree. Pat, pat, pat...

~And we wept, that one so lovely, should have a life so brief~

William Cullen Bryant

~You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it~

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Disclaimer: Shagun in this shot is not the white saint shown in the show. Rather she is the grey woman, who admitted that Ishita was a better mother, yet spoke out aloud that she hated her and will always do so.