Chapter- 4
Raman remained silent for a while. He thought to himself "Oh God, what do I do now? Does she even know what I intend to tell her ? Kya karoo, kya karoo, kya karoo?"
Ishita leaned her back slightly on the safety railing and stood facing him. She wasn't in any better state herself although she had managed to put up a faade of calmness. She was having her own inner duel about how she should respond if Raman were to confess his feelings. Raman was lost in thought, a faraway look in his eyes. She could clearly see the contours of his face in the bright moon light. His facial muscles were tensing up one moment, only to relax in the next moment as though in sync with the thoughts running in his mind. She felt an inexplicable urge to extend her hand and touch his face. She thought to herself , "Murugan ! why does he always look so good ?? I rrespective of whether he is happy , sad , trired , bored or angry he always looks ruggedly handsome and now after the way he just apologized ,he looks 10 times more appealing ".
Raman's eyes returned to meet hers now and she blinked and looked away immediately , not wanting him to see what she felt for him in that instant. It looked like he had made up his mind. He stepped a little more closer to her and said, "Ishita , jo baat main tumse kehna chahta hoon, who baat bol ne se pehle kuch aur jaan na mere liye bohat zaroori hai."
"Poocho Raman", she responded. " Kya tumhare dil mein mere liya gussa ya nafrat hai , you know after what had happened and the way I treated you. Agar thoda sa bhi hai toh please bol do... I will gladly wait for that day you are able to forgive me."
She replied with a very solemn expression on her face, " Raman ,will you take my word for it , if I tell you mere dil main aapke liye ratti bhar bhi gussa ya nafrat nahin hai?" Raman felt like he had passed one more round of an extreme stress test. For a man like him, putting his thoughts and emotions into such clear and concise words was an extremely difficult task. "I believe you Ishita . Thank..." she didn't let him complete . "No Raman , I don't need your thanks." He smiled weakly in response.
The tension he felt moments ago was now replaced with a nervous excitement making his palms all sweaty. He was never this nervous , not even when he had to make presentations to high profile clients. He debated whether he should move closer to her , hold her hands or just take her into his arms when he say this to her . Eventually he just stuffed his hands down his pockets looked straight into her eyes and said in a soft but clear and confident voice " Main tumhe chahne laga hoon Ishita...I mean mujhe tumse pyaar hogaya hai !!!" .
Her eyes grew wide and she stared at him without blinking . She felt her heart doing all sorts of gymnastics inside her chest. His passionate gaze was burning into her now and she turned around , clutching the railings for support. His words were still echoing in her ears and she closed her eyes to savor this moment.
Raman's eyes were fixed on her though he couldn't see her face. He wanted to give her a few moments to gather her thoughts. He had felt an immense sense of relief , the moment those words were out of his mouth . He did not worry about her response now , letting her know his feelings was more important and he had done so without mincing his words. It felt so good! He had seen her eyes grow wide when he said it , even a hint of a smile gracing her lips but she had turned around before it could fully take shape. He stepped forward and stood next to her now but did not turn to look at her. He knew she would speak when she was ready. He wasn't looking forward to any grand declaration of love from her. He sure wanted to know the nature of her feelings for him. If he were to go by the what he saw in her eyes when she had to come to take him to the stage earlier tonight , he didn't have anything to worry about. He believed her when she said she didn't harbor any harsh feelings for him. He knew that they shared a special bond now which he felt was independent of their love for Ruhi. He also knew that he had a friend in her that he could always count on. What he wanted to know was whether she desired him the way he desired her. Many a times he had seen it in her eyes , in her nervous body language when they were physically close to each other. But he worried if that was just momentary. He wondered whether she dreams about him when he is not around , just the way he dreams about her. He knew that in arranged marriages a lot of women accept their husbands because they think its their duty and the same goes for men too. He didn't want that. He didn't want her to accept him because it is the most plausible thing to do given the fact they are already married to each other. And in any case he has no intention of rushing her into anything. He was ready to give her all the time in the world. It struck him now that he should probably make this clear to her.
Seeing her still lost in thought , he tapped lightly on her shoulder. She turned towards him ,her face looking calm and composed now. He said "Ishita , I don't want you to feel pressurized for a response. I came clean with my feelings because I felt I just couldn't let one more day pass without letting you know what I feel for you. You know, being the wonderful soul that you are its easy to fall in love with you. But I can't say the same thing about myself. I am a difficult person to live with. She did not let him continue and what she said next surprised him. "Nahi Raman , matlab .. haan you are a difficult person to live with but so am I , par maine aapke saath jeena seekh liya hai. We both know that we got married under unusual circumstances. We couldn't even be civil to each other initially" She almost smiled saying this. "For a third person our marriage would have looked like a big mismatch , we were always judging each other and trying to pick a fight at the drop of a hat. But I slowly realized that you had built an invisible wall around yourself masking that good heart of yours with anger and rudeness. And I have also seen that wall chipping away slowly revealing your true self. Kaise andekha karoon main yeh? And you may not know but you have given me some of the best moments of my life." She smiled more now as if reminiscing those moments. "I may not have consciously admitted this to myself but I can't ever imagine a life without you. I want to be with you Raman and mind you, this is NOT for Ruhi but for my own selfish gain." She ended on a stern note but she was smiling unabashedly now , her eyes sparkling.
Raman was stumped for a moment , the full import of her words beginning to sink in slowly. It took him a few seconds to recover and when he did he closed the distance between them and crushed her into his arms and held her protectively, not wanting to let go. Ishita herself was blissfully lost in his warmth ,her hands instinctively going around him. She was in his arms and she felt like it was the safest place on earth, her own private sanctum.
After what seemed like an eternity , Raman opened his eyes. Not breaking the hug he looked up into the sky and said a silent word of thanks. He felt her pulling back now but they continued to hold hands not wanting to break the physical contact. They shared a brief eye lock, neither of them wanting this moment to end. He was beginning to sense a nervousness in her now. Confirming his suspicion she let go of his hands and walked back , settling down on the bench.
All his doubts about whether she really desired him had vanished by now. He had sensed it in the tone of her voice and had felt it in the way her body reacted when he had held her. He would have proceeded to kiss her, had she not moved away. Not that he wanted to stop with a kiss. How he wished he could make love to her on that very bench where she was seated right now.. If his JKR gets to know what he was thinking , shayad zinda ghaad degi mujhe yahi par. He smacked himself mentally and suppressed a grin. He knew this would take time , she would take time and he was ready to give her that space and time. He realized that they needed to talk about it .
Seated on the bench she felt her heart beating wildly, thinking what next. As much as she desired Raman, she wasn't sure whether she was ready for that level of physical intimacy. She tried to think of the right words to use to explain this to him without hurting his feelings. Just then, she saw him walking towards her. He sat down right next to her, draped his arm around her, held her lightly and said " Ishita ..I want you to know that I have no intention of rushing you into anything you may not be comfortable with.. you know. We will take it slow..". He saw her face relax a little. She clasped his hand and said " Thanks Raman . Main..." He interrupted her and said " No Ishita ,is baat pe mujhe koyi explanation nahi chahiye". She rested her head on his shoulder and they stayed that way for a while until her phone buzzed. It was a message notification and that's when she saw the time . "Raman its going to be 5.. don't you think we should head home?" . "Kyun...already bore hogayi mujh se?" . She smacked him lightly and gestured him to get up so that they can head home. He wished they could stay back and talk for a while but for some reason his JKR did not look like she was in the mood for a conversation. He didn't know whether it was exhaustion or whether she still felt awkward about their last conversation. Whatever it was he decided to lighten up the atmosphere a little.
"Ishita , before we leave there is just this one other thing that I wanted to ask you". Ishita had no clue what this could be about.."You can ask me anything Raman" she replied.
"Are you attracted to me?" he asked with a straight face . She was taken aback momentarily.This question sounded irrelevant to her now. " Raman yeh kaisa savaal hai?" . Then it struck her .. ayyo .. because I shied away from intimacy he thinks I am not attracted to him. How do I tell him how much he affects me?? She didn't know how to get out of this. She decided to play it safe." Raman , you and I both know that you are attractive and handsome .And I have never told you this.. but I have seen some of the girls in our society gushing about you" He wasn't going to let her off so easily .. "Ishita you still didn't understand my question. I didn't ask you whether I am attractive , I asked you whether you are attracted to me ? " She was losing her patience now.. ek hi baat hai Raman .. aur aapne time dekha hai.. kitna late hogaya hai.. chalte hai pls".
"Itna padh likhne ka kya fayda,, when you can't understand such a simple thing... ab dekho .. you are always gushing about how handsome Bala is. She was getting irritated now "Why are you bringing Jeeju into this?" .Raman tried to pacify her "Arre yaar suno meri baat ...Do you think he is attractive ? She was quick to respond "Of course Raman he is very attractive"
"Now tell me are you attracted to him?"
"Chee Raman !! woh mere Jeeju hai" she looked mortified now.
"Ab samajh main aaya difference ? Toh ab bolo.. are you attracted to me???"
Thanks for reading. To be continued
Anupamaa
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