You And I Collide
Anxiety. He decided that the feeling he was undergoing was anxiety. He turned in his bed again, frustrated by his lack of peace, and noticed that the wall clock read three o clock. Sighing quietly to himself, he tried to close his eyes and catch a wink before life became the usual circus in the morning.
As he did that, images of Adi from the start of his life began running through his mind like a film reel. He remembered the first time he had seen him cry, and started crying himself. He remembered the first time he had taken little wobbly steps, falling straight into his arms. The first time he had grabbed his finger with his chubby little fingers, when he had uttered the words Dada brokenly from his mouth. The moment he had snubbed him for the first time when he had brought him a little dinosaur toy which he had discarded for a top of the line electronic robot that Ashok had brought. He remembered his son leaving him to go with his mother. He remembered the stoic way he had looked at his own father when Raman had broken down in front of Adi and begged him to understand his state. He remembered his son calling Ashok his father and asking Raman not to interfere with his life. That they were better off without him. That he was a failure as a father.
Raman's eyes flew open.
He realized that his breathing had gotten harsher and he could feel the remaining tremors of his body dying down. Forcing himself to calm his breath, he shook his head to get rid of the images in his head. Failing to do so, he began to get up when a little weight on his abdomen stopped him. He looked to his side to find the one thing in his life that gave him more satisfaction and happiness than winning so many awards had given him. His daughter, enwrapped in her mother's hug, facing towards him and her tiny hand clasping his mid riff.
Something in his stomach tightened as he stared at his little girl, lost in her own dreams, but with that all too familiar pout on her face. He watched as, when she saw something pleasant in her thoughts, the pout on her face turned into smile.
Bringing an involuntary smile to his face.
He entwined his fingers with her midget ones and turned his body towards hers, just being content looking at Ruhi - the one person who had been a constant in his life. It sounded almost blasphemous, but his seven year old daughter was his emotional anchor, his tether to reality. His little daughter. He had always put her behind Adi in his priorities, not because he loved her any less, but selfishly enough, she reminded him not just of his ex-wife, but also the time when she'd left him. He had always wanted to see her happiness, but hadn't cared a dime about her needs from him. But his little child had just smiled and kept on giving him her unconditional love and affection. She had always coined him as her hero, even when he hadn't given her a second glance. It pained him when he thought of the last six years. His constant brushing off of her adoration, and her relentless faith in him. No one knew it, but she had been her strength even then. The need to be successful for her was what kept him moving forward. Because that was his kid. Always giving.
However, never had he thought that there would come a day when his little girl would look up and smile at him and every other thing in the world would start hurting him a little less. Every taunt thrown his way would become a little less painful. That he would feel this emotionally connected and vulnerable towards his own daughter.
But here they were.
And instinctively, his eyes moved towards the very reason his daughter was his in arms today. She looked serene as always. Not a hair out of place even as she slept. Her eyelashes brushed her cheek and the cold in the weather lent her cheeks and her nose a natural blush. His smile returned as he noted her cuddling Ruhi closer and trying to hide her face inside the comforter, probably due to the chill in the air.
How had she ended up in his life, he wondered. He had gone into this relationship with no expectations, having seen them crash and burn the first around, then how had she managed to open every single bolt he had carefully used to screw his heart and his inhibitions closed. His free hand moved towards her cheek to softly caress her face, thinking about everything they had gone through together.
Just a few days ago, when he had been burying himself in the throes of guilt, she had been her savior. Bless her, she had weaved that magic of hers around him and in the end, he had felt renewed hope that maybe, just maybe, things weren't going to be such a mess after all. The wreckage left behind by Shagun and his divorce would be manageable after all.
The question was - how? How was he, no - how were they going to make Adi more secure? How long would it take for Adi to see how dangerous the path he was treading on was? How late would it be before his son's mental and physical well-being would become irreparable?
More importantly, how long could he expect his wife and daughter to bear with their insecurities? It wasn't as though Shagun's presence rankled him any less, but the daughter she had left behind without blinking towards her twice and the woman who never said anything but hated the mere sight of his ex-wife in her own house - surely it was much more difficult for them. He was not a strong person, as shown by his tears during romantic movies, which he would vehemently deny if asked, but Shagun's betrayal had strengthened him up mentally. Sadly enough, both the ladies next to him had had to go through the same kind of betrayal from their lover and mother respectively to have gained the strength they had. So, he knew they were strong. Much stronger than Adi.
But Raman simply could not put Adi before them any longer.
An year ago, if anyone would have asked him, he would have agreed point blank to any condition that was put forth to get his son back to him. Now, he realized, these two ladies had joined his son on the first position in his life.
His caress must have disturbed Ishita, because she opened her eyes suddenly while Raman hastily took away his hand from her face. There were no emotions on her face - she still seemed to be getting her bearings from being awoken abruptly.
What Raman did next was purely impulsive.
Getting up from his position on the bed, he put the throw pillows on the side of the bed, to prevent Ruhi from rolling off the bed in her sleep and made his way to the other side of the bed. Ishita's side.
She must have been weary and tired from the race this morning, because she didn't respond to his actions.
As though he had been doing this for years, rather than the first time, he slipped into the bed beside her and then just waited for a second.
Asking for courage from all the angels above, he slowly slid his hand around her waist and pulled her into him. He felt her body going stiff for a second, her heartbeat increasing till it matched his, and then it went slack. He loosened his grip a little as she turned towards him, waiting for her next move.
He was perched on his elbow and Ishita simply looked up at his face - his molten chocolate eyes and that ever-growing scruff, the way his eyes seemed to be staring right into her soul. And she tentatively smiled.
Raman's lips tilted into a smile of his own when he saw the angelic smile on her face.
"What are you doing?" she asked, turning her head to the side as she felt his hand make its way from her waist to her face, tracing a path through unknown contours.
"Trying to understand how I got so lucky," was his whispered reply, enjoying the slow blush that spread from her already reddened cheeks to her shoulders and even her ears.
"It's always going to be a mystery," she replied then added when she saw his raised eyebrow questioning her, "I've been trying to figure out how I got all this happiness for a long time. No answer yet."
His answer was a dazzling smile which made him look boyish instead of the father of two that he actually was. He grinned jauntily. "Then when am I getting lucky?" he asked with that smirk on his face and inflection in his words. Ishita took a little time to grasp what he meant and he could pin point the exact moment she realized his meaning. Her eyes turned as wide as saucers and then her hand came up to shove him.
Raman, who knew his wife better than she did herself, was ready for her assault and before she could actually attack him, pinned her hand to the side with his own free one.
"You do realize that our daughter is sleeping right next to us, right?" she said, although her eyes were ironically enough stuck on his lips.
"I do. Do you realize that it is the only reason I am not pouncing on you right now?" His own eyes were fixed on her lips and he bit his lip as she realized that she was doing the same thing.
"If you keep looking at me like that, I'll have to wake Ruhi up and send her to her own room, Ishita."
Her lustful gaze left his lips and she stared into his eyes which reflected the same emotion. The hand that wasn't being held captive by him went up to his face and traced his facial features. He turned his head into her palm and placed a little peck there making her smile again.
That was when she saw the clock behind him and realized the time.
"Raman, why were you awake at half past three?"
He wanted to avoid her watchful gaze, because he knew that she wouldn't take more than a few seconds to guess the reason behind his anxiety. And the guilty husband inside him wanted this moment to be for her, for once, instead of being about him. The past few weeks had been all about him.
On her beckoning again, he took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry?"
Her face contorted into a confused expression. "For what?"
"The race..Shagun...what she did. I mean, she shouldn't have...I am..." he said making no sense whatsoever even in his own head, but his wife rolled her eyes.
"Why are you sorry? If you have to be, be sorry for her, not on her behalf."
"What?"
"Raman, Shagun is cunning but at the end of the day, there is a huge difference between being cunning and being clever. She fails to see what's right in front of her and tries building sandcastles right next to the sea. And the sea keeps destroying those castles every single time."
"I am assuming that in this weird metaphor of yours, we are the sea?"
Ishita laughed at the bemused expression on Raman's face and said, "Yes. Try to follow, Raman. Shagun is daft and most definitely delusional. If she thinks she can break our bonds so easily, then she's mistaken. And all we can do is..."
"...feel sorry for her," Raman finished for her and she nodded.
Raman brought his face next to hers, so close that they could feel each other's breath on their faces. "You are getting smarter by the day, Mrs. Bhalla."
Ishita closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the proximity and whispered, "Sangat ka asar hai, Mr. Bhalla."
"You are praising me? What has the world come to?" Raman asked, mock surprised.
"I was talking about Ruhi," his Mrs. Bhalla replied and then burst out laughing at the shock on Raman's face. A movement on the side brought them both out of their stupor and Ishita stopped laughing abruptly. Both glanced guiltily towards their daughter, and breathed out a sigh of relief when they noticed that she was still asleep.
"Raman, let's go to sleep before Ruhi actually wakes up. It's already very late," Ishita said trying to turn back towards her daughter, but her husband was having none of it. His leg wrapped both of hers under his while he used his upper body to hold her still. Shocked out of her wits at their closeness and physical intimacy, Ishita simply stared at Raman and stopped moving under him.
"Does Shagun really not bother you?" His question was a small whisper but Ishita caught the anguished look in his eyes, realizing that he was more worried about her feelings towards Shagun than his own discomfort at having his ex-wife under his roof.
Giving him a reassuring smile, she said, "I'd be lying if I say she doesn't bother me. I hate the very sight of her. Whenever she looks at you, I want to gnaw her eyes out. Whenever she touches you, I want to cut off her arms. Looking at her reminds me of the fact that you were once hers. That you loved her once. But Raman, the fact that even you can't look at her without being disgusted makes it a little easier. The fact that Adi is closer to you now, that he has started considering you his father, makes it less bothersome."
"Stop acting so understanding," Raman countered.
"I am not acting! If Subbu was to come in front of you today and try to get me back, what would you do?"
"I would kill the bas***d who broke your heart. And also for coming back in your life," he answered easily.
Ishita swallowed the sudden burst of irrelevant laughter that threatened to disrupt the quiet. "You wouldn't do anything any such thing, Mr. Alpha Bhalla. You would instead laugh at his face for suggesting something so ridiculous."
"I would. But after I would have broken his kneecaps."
She shook her head at his ridiculousness and tried to move, but in vain. Raman was not ready to let her go that easily.
"Now what?" she asked, sighing loudly.
"Thank you."
"What is it with you and your thank you? Aap hi ne toh kaha tha na, that we should just keep our thank you and sorry to ourselves? What was this one for, if I may ask?"
"Just...for being you. I couldn't ask for a better wife or mother for my daughter. Thank you for making me a better human being. And a better father."
She gave him a wide grin and then began giggling. Raman, who was lost in the poignancy of the moment, took a moment to understand that his wife was finding something rather funny.
"You found that funny?" he asked, disgruntled at the reception his declaration received. She shook her head in a negative, and tried to bring her laughter under control.
"No. I was...I just realized that I'm probably the first woman on earth who has to say thank you to her husband for giving her a daughter, instead of the other way around." She began giggling again as she finished and Raman involuntarily started laughing with her. Shaking his head the childishness of his usually mature wife, the words which escaped his mouth were completely instinctive.
"I love you, you know."
Ishita's laughter died a sudden death and her body went taut again, staring straight into the eyes of her husband. He closed his eyes, biting his tongue and inwardly cursing himself for confessing his feelings so abruptly. This time when she tried to move her arms, he didn't stop her. But instead of moving away from him, she brought one of her hands to his face, gently moving the strands of his hair that fell impishly on his forehead.
He opened his eyes to look at her and saw her watching him with a reverent look in her eyes. "What took you so long?" she asked, instead of answering his confession. He collected himself before he answered her with a very eloquent, "Huh?"
"I have been waiting for so long for you to say those words. I love you too, you crazy man."
Although he could have done without the special address in the end, he couldn't stop the smile that captured his face. Ishita looked right back at him, noticing the ecstasy on his face, thinking to herself that it was probably unhealthy how much happiness he could get from three little words from her mouth.
He brought his forehead to hers, his lips about a hair's width away from hers, but just as they were about to join, he felt her hand covering his lips. Disoriented for a second, he stared confusedly at her when she whispered, "Ruhi."
She looked about as miserable as he felt, he thought, as he moved away from her and took his place at her side. Not being able to be so close to her and not touch her, he loosened his grip on her legs and lay down staring straight at the ceiling.
But he couldn't stop smiling.
Neither could Ishita for that matter. And this time she was the one who turned towards him, her hand automatically wrapping around his abdomen.
Both of them were quiet for a few minutes, simply reveling in the feeling of being so connected, so much in love with another person. The heady feeling of belonging to another person so completely, that even the fact that they are both been deceived in love before didn't seem to matter.
Raman was the one broke the silence. "I wanted to make the moment special. Something grand and impressive."
"I don't care about the place or time, Raman. All I care about is the fact that you...you know...ermm.."
Raman smiled at his stumbling wife. She looked adorable, trying to avoid his eyes and blushing with gusto.
"...love you?" he finished helpfully, enjoying her discomfort. She nodded, still not meeting his eyes and Raman entwined his fingers with those of the hand resting on him.
"You know, I have never been in the sort of love I'm in with you. On one hand you make me a more mature, more responsible man, and on the other, you make me a kind of giddy teenager who has trouble speaking around his lady love."
She didn't answer, choosing instead to place their intertwined hands on his chest, right about his heart and nestling her head in the nook between his shoulder and head.
Her warm breath on Raman's neck was a distraction and he shook his head, reminding himself that his daughter was sleeping on the same bed as them. He moved her head so that she landed half on him, with her head burrowed in his chest and his free hand moving around her, holding her to him.
"Ruhi is so not sleeping with her mother and father from tomorrow," he grumbled to himself, but she must have heard it because he felt her body shaking from silent mirth.
"You find my predicament funny," he asked and Ishita looked at him from her position on his chest.
"Ermm...am I your girlfriend or wife? On the phone, that day, you asked to me to behave like a girlfriend and then that day you asked me to be your wife. What am I?" she asked, smiling up at him.
"Well...we haven't even made out yet, so I don't think you classify as either," he grinned.
"Kuch bhi," came her resident reply, rolling her eyes. "Are you always this shameless?"
"Sangat ka asar hai," he replied naughtily and being unable to see the bewilderment on her face and stay put, he moved towards her and quickly kissed her on her temple.
When she didn't move away or turn her face away, he slowly kissed her on her cheek. The blush intensified when he kissed her on the other one. Trying to keep his heartbeat under control, his lips traveled to her lips, placing a peck on the side of her lip. He felt her breathing get heavier as his breath mingled with hers, and then he captured her lips with his.
It wasn't French kissing or even proper kissing, merely more than a peck, but the feeling of his wife's lips tentatively moving against his, her lips melding against his own, Raman thought, was better than any physical intimacy he had ever had.
Stopping to give her one final peck, he stared at her flushed face and erratic breathing, wondering for the umpteenth time, how she had ever fallen into for him. He was so far removed from the definition of a Prince Charming that it was almost funny. He was not a knight in shining armor who would save the damsel in distress. But she had. This wonderful, strong, emotional, sensitive and kind-hearted woman had fallen for him.
He kissed her forehead finally, and straightened back to his former position. "Now, I think, you classify as my girlfriend. I love you, Paagal Madrasan."
He smiled with his eyes closed, when he heard her faint and shy, "I love you too, Kadve Punjabi" before the day and its events took a toll on them and they fell asleep.
Ruhi Bhalla woke up to see her parents cuddling like teenagers and sleeping with smiles on their faces. First she grinned to herself at the love she could see on their faces, then she clicked a picture of them for future blackmail and finally she jumped onto her father's body to wake the two sleepy heads up. Romance was fine and dandy, but she had to get to school.
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
And even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
I somehow find you and I collide
Do do do do do x4
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Well, even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Do do do do do x4
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find you and I collide
Do do do do do x2
You finally find you and I collide
Do do do do do x2
You finally find you and I collide
Leave behind your likes and comments! They mean the world to a writer.
For people who read my FF, I'll post the next chapter this week.
Bisous,
NeNe
Indian Mythology
Sampoorna
CID
Current Affairs
7