Chapter 1 - The Edge of Desire
"Sometimes I think the difference between what we want and what we're afraid of is about the width of an eyelash."
Jay McInerney
"We are bodies, sometimes with dreams and always with desires."
Barbara Kingsolver, The Lacuna
She would be lying, lying through her teeth if she said she has not thought about this moment...him... them.
It would be a lie...and yet, yet it would not be incorrect to say this was not exactly what she thought of, dreamt of...had in mind when she thought of them. Since the moment his presence became imperative to her she fought with herself, with her thoughts. When she could no longer deny the pull, the lure of him, the allure of them she found herself drawn to thoughts of him and the temptation of them.
Only nothing she thought prepared her for it...nothing came close to the reality that she is experiencing even when she has had moments where her imagination has run wild, where she has dreamt...and she finds herself caught completely off guard by the turn of events.
Two weeks back when she began her practice sessions for the Annual Sports Day in Ruhi' school to participate alongside her daughter she had no idea that two weeks later it would lead to this...to them...here, now and in this moment...
She gulps down a lump as the door shuts with a resounding thud followed by the clicking of the lock, the sound of which resonates in the silence of the room ...and yet...yet she finds she has not heard it.
Her eyes snapped shut on their own accord as it happened and it occurs to her, the drumming of her heartbeats in her ears drowned out every other sound.
Her mind flashes back to the events that led them here...
The fall she had while running in the final race as she tripped over in the last leg of it...
The trip to the doctor owing to the immense pain, the declaration by the doctor her left ankle is sprained and she needs bed rest for at least two weeks for it to heal, be particularly careful in the next few hours and avoid straining the injured leg since it would only cause the swelling to inflame further. The scratches and bruises that have marred her skin on her left hand and leg, Raman' concern, his care, his anger, everything...she remembers each moment with perfect clarity.
Nothing, not even these simple events had in the slightest given her the clues or led her thoughts that would find them in this moment here.
Raman had yelled at her for her recklessness and carelessness but she had seen through him and his anger. She knows he gets angry with her because he cares for her, his anger is simply sometimes his way of expressing his helplessness, his frustrations; the sight of her in pain frightened him out of his mind...that is how he is and now she has made her peace with that...learned it's just the way he is.
The same man who yelled at her had been the one who despite his hatred of hospitals had been with her through every minute of her ordeal. He had not left her side for even a minute despite the doctor asking him to do so.
He irritated and annoyed the doctor with his persistent demands that she double check his wife for any internal injuries, not worry about things and order as many tests and scans as necessary when she had suffered only superficial injuries. The only major injury was the sprain that required of her to take bed rest for the next two weeks, regular icing and pain meds. She had to take care not to exert herself until the swelling had reduced and the pain decreased. For the scratches, an antibiotic ointment was all she needed.
It had taken her intervention to calm him down when the doctor looked at her bemusedly with pleading eyes to quell Raman' doubts and get him settled. She had to assure him mustering all her patience that he need not panic other than the pain in her leg she is fine and the scratches would heal in no time too.
Her baby had been an angel who was heartbroken seeing her pain and not the least bit concerned she lost because her mother fell. She had been her father' shadow in the hospital and during the car rides made sure her Ishimaa was comfortable.
More than her pain it had been the crestfallen look on Ruhi' face that had made her heart ache. Her baby blamed herself for the pain her Ishimaa was in which was the one thing she could not allow. It had not been easy but she had convinced her little girl not to blame herself for anything, the fall was an accident and could have happened to anyone.
She had not been mortified when Raman had carried her after the fall in front of the crowd as he rushed to take her to the nearest hospital nor was it the case when he had done the same later while carrying her to their home. Not even when he climbed the flight of stairs that led to their bedroom with her in his arms, their families trailing behind him ...but that had changed mere minutes ago and she feels heat rushing to her cheeks at the remembrance of the precise moment.
Who knew a fall, of all things, would have them here?
All mummyji had done was mention she change and that had set the ball rolling...
One minute she was trying to get comfortable on her bed as Raman set a pillow behind her back and Rinki gently lifted her injured foot to set another one below it when Shagun had came strolling in with Adi in tow. The next she knew Shagun tried to show how concerned she is, how sorry she was that Ishita fell down when they were running neck to neck and had almost touched the finish line by volunteering to help her change when Raman had spoken up. He had not wasted a second to step in and said he would do the needed; there had been pin drop silence for the next few moments and she was sure she had never felt so red in the face in all her life...only she was wrong.
For the moment that followed next when Shagun still persisted after finding her wits by trying to reason that it would be better if she does the needed as her touch would be gentler than Raman' had made her husband state,
"I can be as gentle in my touches with my wife as I want to be Shagun, don't worry I clearly know what I would be doing and Ishita would be more comfortable if it's me who helps her out of these clothes if she has to chose among the two of us after all I am her husband."
Once he was done, she cannot for the life of her decide what was worse than her own mortification. The sound of Simi and Rinki' choked laughter that suddenly turned into pretentious coughing fits upon Raman glaring at them once he recovered enough is still echoing in her ears. She still can recall the deer in the headlights expression her husband had once he realized what exactly he had spoken in the presence of company which included his sisters, children and their mothers no less or the look on Shagun' face who had stood with her mouth gaping like a fish.
All she knew was she had never wished for the ground to swallow her whole as she had done in the moment avoiding the teasing eyes of Simi and Rinki and worse the adoring looks her mother and mummyji sent their way or the look of utter bemusement much to Shagun' chagrin that they had when they looked at her.
Next she knew mummyji ordered everyone to get out and with her Amma' aid practically shoved Shagun out of the room so that Raman could change her clothes. A bewildered Adi left the room following his mother, while her sister-in-laws only gave meaningful glances her way with shit-eating smirks on their faces while she tried her best to avoid looking at them. Though that did not stop them from teasing the couple as Simi advised her brother to be careful only for Rinki to correct her mouthing di don't say be careful but be gentle to bhai before they ran for their lives out of the room as Raman was about to charge after them.
Ruhi was the last of the company to leave once she had given another hug, followed by a kiss to her mother, and asked her papa to take good care of her Ishimaa before she was out of the door.
The two minutes of the scene, became the longest and the shortest two minutes of her life all at the same time and she finds herself still trying to process the happenings when she feels the mattress sinking towards her right and hears the sigh let out by her husband.
The silence stretches on until moments later she finally finds the courage to open her eyes and look at him only to find him watching her, a myriad of emotions playing on his face, in his eyes as he does so.
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