Chapter 2 - Lost The Battles But Won The War.
"Everything that happens to you matters to me."
Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
"I've never minded it," he went on. "Being lost, that is. I had always thought one could not truly be lost if one knew one's own heart. But I fear I may be lost without knowing yours."
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
He would be lying if he said he is not mortified right now...because he is. Every damn cell of his body is screaming at him in this moment.
He knows he has said nothing offensive but it doesn't mean he is any less embarrassed right now. In that moment though all he knew was he had to put Shagun in her place, to remind her that Ishita and he are husband and wife, that she had better NOT forget it... he could not help himself.
The woman started getting on his nerves the moment she entered the room just to blow her bugle, if his son wasn't around he wouldn't have refrained from telling her to get the hell out of his room in the choicest of words but somehow he couldn't overlook Adi completely so had kept his composure,
"Ishita, it's so terrible you had to fall down and so close to the finish line too...anyways it's no issue the trophy came home to us, Ruhi' mom won in the end."
"Do you have anything else to talk about other than your precious cup Shagun, if not you can leave. Ishita needs to rest; all of this is useless chitchat which we can do without right now."
"Oh but Raman I just wanted to help Ishita."
"By boosting you won?"
"No Raman, god can you never be a little patient? I just heard mummyji mention Ishita should change and I agree, just look at the poor thing so thought why not volunteer before Simi, Rinki or anyone else beats me to it. After all I owe Ishita a favor."
"What?"
"The night you got us home, Adi and I, Adi told me how Ishita took such good care of me changed my clothes and all. This is the least I could do for her, help her change you know like she helped me, after all someone would need to help her out of these clothes right?"
When he heard Shagun speak in that extra sweet tone he couldn't ignore the snark, the dig she took at their marriage once again and he would be damned if he let anyone do that anymore, least of all his ex.
Those words by her had been more than he could take, the thin rope by which he was hanging snapped, as Shagun volunteered.
"You are right Ishita does need someone to help her out of these clothes, only you need not trouble yourself for that."
"It's no trouble Raman; trust me and what's wrong if I help her? She did me a favor like I said, I just want to have a chance at payback."
"You have no need to return that favor and before you ask no nothing is wrong with you offering to help except for the fact she has her husband here who can do the job while on the night you needed help, you clearly had none. Your concern is sweet Shagun like I said only I can help my wife out of these clothes very well, thank you very much."
He had had a moment of juvenile jubilation when he stumped Shagun by his words and could not help but love it. Only the darn woman wouldn't give up yet,
"No Raman...I don't think you should."
"Excuse me? Are you telling me...?"
Shagun had cut in before he could finish,
"I mean look at her Raman, Ishita is hurt and she would need to be handled with care. My hands would be gentler compared to yours."
He had then somehow managed to not yell at her but his temper could be made out from the way he had spoken with precision, through clenched teeth enunciating each word slowly,
"I can be as gentle in my touches with my wife as I want to be Shagun, don't worry I clearly know what I would be doing and Ishita would be more comfortable if it's me who helps her out of these clothes if she has to chose among the two of us after all I am her husband."
Only in the heat of the moment, he forgot about everything else including the presence of his sisters, his mother, his mother-in-law and worse even his children.
His tone had made clear he would broker no further arguments from his ex and should she try to make one all hell would break loose, only things didn't come to that. His sisters, those fiendish imps had giggled at his expense and he had been horrified to realize in his bid to ward off Shagun, his need to make it clear to that wretched woman she cannot undermine what he and Ishita share he had discarded the presence of everyone in the room in those few brief moments.
God how could he be so dumb!
His sisters had controlled their laughter once he turned to look at them in mock anger; even his mother and mother-in-law wisely took charge of the situation and led his ex out. The looks on the faces of his children, they are embossed on his mind.
They could not understand the reason of the laughter much less why were he and Shagun arguing. Good lord what if one of them had been curious. Stop it Raman, stop it, don't go there; he scolds himself. Not conducive to your sanity.
Damn that woman, just damn her.
He is sure as hell Ishita would not mind if the ground beneath their feet were to open up and swallow them right this instant...he would gladly jump in. He would even gladly go first.
Turning his sights towards heaven, he mumbles,
"Why me...?"
Rare occurrences have had him confused in life, he is sure of that as he is of the fact that despite having quite an eventful life and a boisterous family, which doesn't make it easy, the number of times he has felt embarrassed can be counted on his fingers.
Currently though he is torn between his confusion and mortification. He is confused because he can't make up his mind regarding what or rather which facet of him is mortified more - is it the son & son-in-law or the father. He can't help but recall how at times he was caught by his mother when he sneaked into the kitchen to eat that hidden candy who would scold him sometimes only to later fondly hand him the same candy with a bemused smile on her face.
At the same time the father in him, cannot stop thinking what would have happened had Ruhi asked something in her innocence or Adi uttered something about the matter. He thinks he would have died, perhaps suffered a heart attack had any of that occurred...
Closing his eyes, he pinches the bridge of his nose as he lets out a breath to get himself under control.
The loud cackle of his sisters or the sound of his mother and mother-in-law discussing how they are so happy that he and Ishita are so in love though does not make it an easy job. He is sure his family is overdoing things just to spite his ex and while that in itself is no problem to him, he simply wishes he had had the foresight to pick better words when he opened his mouth earlier.
Watching Ishita fall during the race had horrified him, the scream she let out still rings in his ears. A part of him knew he was overreacting, being hyper, Ishita was injured badly, sure, but she wasn't in a life-threatening situation but he couldn't help himself when he saw how badly her arm was scratched or her foot that had turned a horrible shade of purple and swollen he just freaked out. He may have yelled at her for being careless and reckless but a part of him knew in actuality he was mad at himself...angry that he could not stop things from happening, that despite being present there he was a spectator like all the others as Ishita took that fall. The logical part of him knew he was being unreal but when he got emotional...logic flew right out of the window.
He had been miffed initially and later just withdrawn...his wife though had seen right through him. He should have been the one placating her and taking care of her but she got Ruhi to stop crying and cheered him up as well once they were in the car on their way to home. Once she saw how he looked as dejected as his little girl was, she played her trick, sneaky little devil...
The recollection of the conversation brings a smile upon his face even as his heart overflows with gratitude that he got someone like her in his life. When he had lost all hopes of ever being this happy and content she appeared out of the blue in his life and turned it around...she is the miracle he knew he always wanted but thought he might never get.
"Ruhi do you know papa was scolding me even in front of the doctor?"
Her voice snapped him out of his reverie as he saw his little girl' shocked face turned towards him as her Ishimaa complained to her.
"Papa...you scolded Ishimaa even when she is hurt?"
For a moment he did not know how to react, he knew his wife would not share the tidbit with Ruhi of all people without having something on her mind and he knew he was right the instant his eyes veered towards her. Sitting prettily with their daughter besides her she flashed a small triumphant smile his way with that twinkle in her eyes he knew she was up to some mischief, the imp.
Deciding to play along he humored her as his sight turned towards their daughter who sat on the other end of the seat besides the window on the car' backseat he mumbled,
"Ruhi your Ishimaa was careless, she fell and papa got scared so he scolded her."
"But it's not nice to scold someone when they are so hurt papa, say sorry to Ishimaa now."
Glaring at his wife, he mumbled an apology and thought that this is where things would stop when she stumped him all over again.
"Ruhi papa isn't saying still why he really scolded me. He did not scold me just because he was scared I fell...papa was...no is scared that he would now have to do all the work that I usually do for him and he doesn't want that."
"What?"
Of all the things he was prepared to hear this wasn't one of them...he was scared to do work? Has she lost her mind...try as he might he couldn't figure out then what she was playing at only his questions were answered the next instant as she spoke.
"Ruhi...Ishimaa is hurt now so she won't be able to clean up after papa messes up the room or even help you get ready for a few days...also I would need someone to take care of me right? So papa is angry because he would have to keep things back in their place when he uses them daily, keep our room clean, maybe dress you up for school when he can and also...he would have to even look after me...papa is scared because he would have to do all this work, right Raman?"
"Papa that's not nice, you will do all the work and not scold Ishimaa and look after her too. Don't worry I will help you but you cannot scold my Ishimaa it's not her fault she fell down and got hurt."
He didn't know whether to laugh in that moment realizing how his wife managed to uplift his mood or to make some smartass comment about how she has managed to wrap Ruhi and himself completely around her little finger or admire the way his daughter loves her mother, how fiercely protective she is of Ishita. In that instant he had wondered for the umpteenth time ever since he started seeing the goodness of this woman, started falling for her...what if she had been the woman who bore his children, if only she could have been the one who gave birth to his Ruhi and Adi. He cannot bring himself to regret his past because of his children but with her...because of her, he finds himself wishing more than ever if only he could have had the power to change things, to change destiny at will...he would have done that. He would have created a life with Ishita, with Ruhi and Adi as their children and would not have wanted for more.
He had returned to reality then when Ishita had snapped her fingers to get his attention, all he knew was he may not have the power to create a perfect life but with her by his side life would come as close to perfection as possible. She was all that he needed and wanted all along.
Not caring that their car had halted at a signal he had given quick kisses to his girls on their cheeks resulting in a delighted Ruhi and a shocked and slightly embarrassed Ishita as he had said with a smile,
"As you say Ruhi...whatever you and your Ishimaa want will be done. Your wish is my command."
He had given a dramatic little bow proclaiming his servitude earning a giggle from his daughter and a smack on the shoulder from his wife even as she blushed scarlet making him put an arm around her as she hid her face against his shoulder.
He had not known then or imagined the need to make good on his vow of servitude...or rather the need to do something as intimate as helping Ishita change her clothes would present itself within minutes of their conversation.
Unable to avoid the inevitable he turned around to look at his wife to find she had her eyes closed shut, her hands clutching the bed-sheet tightly making it clear as a day to him she was a bundle of nerves, the same as him.
This isn't even hell he thinks to himself this is sheer purgatory; here he is about to undress his wife for the first time and there's nothing remotely close to the territory of his numerous fantasies that could happen tonight. Even before he married her, when he detested the very sight of her, he found her pleasing to the eye.
It would be blasphemy to even admit now he didn't have a wicked thought or two about her in those days as well, he's a healthy man in the prime of his age and she' an attractive woman. Self-imposed celibacy that his demons enforced upon him didn't make him a monk. He could control his actions, deny his requirements but couldn't quell his line of thought and she had waltzed in out of nowhere in the land of his fantasies.
Getting married to her even though contractually; made matters worse for him.
How is a man supposed to keep his eyes off when temptation chooses to bewitch him under his own roof? Keep his hands off and mind closed when she is there every night so close to him, within his reach? Since she has married him, she has annoyed him, pestered him, angered him and humbled him but most of all she has brought him back to life again. Falling in love with her just amplified the attraction, he always felt for her.
He' imagined this scenario so many times in his head, this moment when he would finally see her, all of her, fill in the canvas of his fantasy with the reality instead of just imagination. Know her, all of her...yeah a billion fantasies play across his mind wrecking havoc on his senses as he goes through the numerous times he' imagined doing this; reality though becomes a party pooper and he' left a miserable man who can't do a darn thing to change things.
Looking towards the heavens above once again he scowls silently and imagines, someone up there must hate him,
You know what the feeling is mutual right now pal, f**k you.
He knows cursing angels or stars isn't gonna rescue him but it just makes him feel a little bit better. He reasons with himself they screw him over; ha, there' a term...well they piss him off time as and when they please, the least he could do is give'em a middle finger in his mind and bestow them with the choicest of words.
Trying to get his raging heartbeat under control, he takes a deep breath as he walks up to their bed and occupies a spot close to her near the edge of the bed.
He can imagine her nervousness, her trepidation; feel it coming off her in waves and decides unless she is comfortable he will not force things on her, he will not push her into anything against her wishes and thinks to wait her out.
As much as he would like to break the ice between them, he would not want to do anything that she was not yet ready.
Sure, they have been married for almost a year now; it has been a while since they have accepted their feelings even if they are yet to say those words ...it does not make this situation, this moment any less life altering for them. Should Ishita be fine with him helping her it would be a significant moment in their relationship; the moment he learns what is on her mind would determine if this is that defining moment for them.
Just because she had submitted herself on the night they danced in the rain, had been okay if he had kissed her...did not mean she had to be fine with this development. They could have taken their relationship to the next level twice after that - the night Adi interrupted their date calling for help and next when he had fallen ill - but on none of those occasions had his wife been injured and bruised as badly as she was now.
On none of those occasions was there a possibility that she maybe conscious for reasons besides the obvious as it is today and for that reason alone, he decides it is best to wait her out rather than declare it outright that she need not worry - a few scars, scratches or bruises sustained today won't make any difference to him.
Nothing could make her less beautiful in his eyes, her injuries included.
After what seemed like an eternity to him, she looked at him and while Ishita said nothing the panic in his heart subsided when her eyes did not accuse or question him.
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