The Unwilling Participant
"How dreadful...to be caught up in a game and have no idea of the rules."
Caroline Stevermer, Sorcery & Cecelia: or The Enchanted Chocolate Pot
Her back is killing her. Her feet ache and her whole body just feels as if she was run over by a road roller of sorts.
Arranging two engagements in the span of five days is no mean task, even if one of the said engagements happened to be a fake one, because the other was of the big fat Punjabi kind. Mihir and Mihika deserve to be together and so she had carried on with the work without any complaints.
With her being Mihir' Bhabhi - the eldest Bhalla bahu - the responsibility of arranging all things regarding Mihir' marriage came to her. Being Mihika' sister she had to play along in the fake engagement plan too, since it was her idea one in which her family supported her no questions asked and there was so much work to be done for all and any rituals not to mention the shopping and the other array of activities. She barely had time to breathe when Raman announced they would be performing a dance - salsa at that on the day of the engagement.
She was taken aback at first because she knew Salsa isn't easy to perform and just a few sessions doesn't make anyone a pro at it - she has learned the form for years to know it very well. It worried her how will she perform with Raman who she could tell does not know the form.
It had been so long since she danced - something she enjoyed and loved so very much. Subu had learned the form with her and together they had won those two competitions in their college too. She has had so many memories associated with the form - all of them bittersweet now, initially it was overwhelming to even think of matching steps with Raman - someone else while she made those similar moves. Though once they began somehow, the joy of dancing took over her, she felt so alive and free again, and she felt happy. It did not even seem that strange after her initial hesitation to be dancing with Raman - yes, he grumbled and was his usual self whenever he goofed up which he would blame on her but she observed he was a quick learner and would put in all his effort to perfect himself. Slowly it became fun matching steps with him, especially since she knew he practiced solo just to put his best foot forward literally.
Being the more experienced partner, she remained patient and since it was silly to expect him to catch up to her, she attuned herself to him and they were finding their rhythm.
She had been so excited about performing after years; she wanted this performance to be brilliant - not just because it was her first in so long but also because she wanted Raman to be happy. He had really worked hard, she knew how much he had strained himself for this, and she wanted his efforts to be recognized.
Only the evening turned out to be even more eventful than what she had anticipated - had in mind. Yes, the engagement fiasco happened at last and Mihir spoke up finally, the cat was out of the bag. She is happy for both the couples Mihir Mihika and Trisha and Neil. Neil was Trisha' boyfriend in reality not Romi as she had assumed, Trisha was playing along to buy time to elope with him with this fake engagement - she feared their love wouldn't be accepted by her family - hardcore Punjabis since he is a Gujarati.
She ought to kill for a couple of hours of decent sleep tonight after the whole shebang but instead her eyes will not close and her overactive mind will not let her exhausted body catch her eight hours of sleep. It is another matter though; she never wants to move again in her life or at least the next couple of days.
The reason she is still awake is of course snoozing blissfully less than two feet away from her beside their daughter.
What does he want?
What is going on in that mind of his?
She wishes she could know, she wishes he would tell.
When he does, if he does, she hopes to god she can understand him, because she just cannot seem to figure him out.
He is such a strange man.
Her husband Mr. Raman Kumar Bhalla is seriously the weirdest, strangest, most arrogant and certainly the most confused and confusing man, she has ever met which bothers her to no end.
He is hot and cold. Sweet and sour, caring and rude, a gentleman and a brute all rolled into one. She cannot understand how to deal with him.
If anyone had told her when she decided to move to this place, that she would be getting married to her neighbor and be a wife, mother and daughter-in-law in less than a year of moving here she would have laughed and called them absurd and probably neurotic. That is what exactly has happened.
She cannot believe it. She is married.
She married her neighbor Raman, Ruhi' father - who is the rudest man she has ever come across.
In a week from now, they would complete three months of their marriage - three extremely long, exhausting, sometimes happy, confusing and nerve-wrecking months.
Who said finding a partner is difficult? Oh no, that's a piece of cake compared to living with one. Especially if that said partner is, chaos personified.
Like hers is.
It is not as if she claims to understand the workings of that convoluted mind of his, but these days it is honestly borderline bizarre. The man is a freak of nature.
He can be so rude one moment; cut her down without the slightest thought of her feelings and the next he would be sweet as honey. Not to mention he is giving her those looks, nope she is not talking about that grumpy bear look of his- that is his standard, one that she is used to and knows very well. That is a look she can live with, is comfortable with- it is as if these days his eyes will not leave her form...as if he were following her slightest moments with the precision of a hawk.
Well he already was, she only learned of it recently. The man knew her size perfectly! The dress he got- the medium sized blue cocktail gown - fits her like a second skin, dear god. She cannot believe it she never knew he notices her so very ardently... Raavan Kumar admitted he checks her out so callously as if... as if this were a real marriage and the idea of checking her out, knowing her size should come to him as easy as breathing.
Has he being doing this since their marriage or before it? Somehow, the notion that it is only after their marriage that he would do this seems less disturbing and fine to her. Though he did admit, he would do so when we fought... which has been since forever... Oh god, what if he had been doing this since forever. If he were not her husband right now, she would have probably strangled him or perhaps thrown a pot on his head or something.
Men... all of them are like that!
She begun having a soft corner for her husband when she realized he had defended her when she had misbehaved while drunk, stood up for her and her parents. She began to realize the man with the razor-sharp tongue can protect her too even if he is the one who has hurt her numerous times in the past.
That was the turning point of her perception of him.
That day he had not just stood up for her, he had done the right thing as he had also silently taken on a slap for a mistake he never committed in the first place.
She had realized the error in her judgment once she heard Mihika praise him while talking with Mihir. That day he could have let her be humiliated, let her parents be insulted - but worse he could have taken revenge for that slap - could have used the strength that he obviously has a man to avenge himself. He could have even taken advantage of her drunken state and she would have been defenseless in the face of things - even after it. As her husband, he could have said he has the right to touch her and once it was over, what could she have done. What could she have said - that her husband slept with her while she was drunk... not thinking clearly, a man she is married to but does not love made love to her and she was unable to stop him. She began to view him differently since the day.
She has been seeing so many variations to him since - gone is the drunkard who stumbled late at home each night, the father who would scare his little girl. He is a different person these days or maybe she has just begun to see him in a different light.
She began thinking of him as her friend slowly; the thought had surprised her as well until she had spoken the word. She had wanted to apologize to him for criticizing the necklace he bought for her so thoughtfully she had hated the thing at sight but once she learned from Mihir the relevance of it - learned Raman had sat patiently for three whole hours in a shop to pick something for her- it became priceless to her.
However, once the word was out of her mouth- it seemed so right. He became her friend somewhere down the line. Who is a friend after all? Someone who stands up for you, stays by your side during your trials, someone who makes you laugh, sometimes even cry. Someone you can talk with about anything and everything under the sun. Someone who teases you annoys you, someone you can tease back. Someone who is always there for you no matter what even if you find them a nuisance, a pest at times or discover your biggest support system.
A true friend is someone who stays by your side come rain or sunshine and he has always stood by her ever since they got married, even if not immediately. He has been there for her even before that when she found herself in trouble and him there - he never shied away from aiding her even when he hated her.
He became a friend to her even without meaning too and she began to think of him as one even without realizing it.
His taunts, his barbed comments, his sarcasm became things she no longer irritated by, instead this became their norm. He would provoke her and she would have a comeback, but underneath it all, she found in him a genuinely kind man who has a thorny exterior that disguises the caring, gentle heart underneath.
The biggest proof of his loving heart seemed to her his acceptance of Mihir and Mihika' love, he never intended to separate them. He only wanted Mihir to speak up for himself. He wanted Mihir to realize he has no debt to pay, no reason to find himself burdened at all. Raman wanted Mihir to realize he considers him as a brother from all his heart and not a charity case he favored.
Mihir had felt marrying Trisha - ensuring Raman' biggest investor never abandons him would be his way of repaying Raman for all these years of his generosity. Only for Raman to stand by him and let Tandon blast him - he had taken the risk of losing his biggest investor just to make Mihir realize he is family in the truest sense of the term and had asked for Trisha' aid the moment he had had a chance when she landed up in India.
She is indebted to him and yet tonight she is even more infuriated with him.
She feels hurt and humiliated.
She feels as if she means next to nothing to him - as if her feelings and emotions do not matter.
What was he trying to prove by dancing with Shagun and then making her fall while at it? Does he think comparing them, singing her praises absolves him of what he did?
She feels used and emotionally abused by him tonight.
This has not been the first time he has done this but this time it has stung her. The Holi event dance seems like a piece of cake compared to what he did tonight - then he had made the same mistake but the truth of it was limited only between four people - them and Ashok and Shagun - tonight they were a public spectacle.
She danced with him despite the anger, hurt and pain only because she doesn't like washing her dirty linen in public like he does - it's not who she is. She believes certain things should remain private and beyond the reach of the public eye. This party had her feeling like a used tissue paper and a trophy wife all in the course of one night.
She cannot get over the embarrassment she felt when Shagun walked up to her and said she will remain the only important woman to Raman.
She had no expectations of him or from this marriage since the beginning, but is expecting a little respect from him publicly too much to ask for?
She was not jealous watching them dance, she is not in love with him for that - but she felt her pride was snubbed and her stature as his wife was being made a crude, cruel joke. What is the man doing? What was the point of creating the scene he did tonight? She cannot fathom any of it.
All she knows is she feels stripped of her dignity, her pride even now.
Without even realizing it or meaning too, she lets out a sob at that. The next moment immediately, the lights are on and she finds her husband facing her with the gravest expression on his face observing her. She tries to face away from him but he carefully reaches out to her and touches her shoulder midway.
"Ishita..."
"Let me sleep."
"You weren't sleeping - we both know that as well as we know you aren't gonna fall asleep just right now, please talk to me."
She turns around at that finally, faces him with fury and tears in her eyes- her expression that has heartbreak written all over it and her mouth which conveys her incredulity at the situation.
"Talk with you? Did I hear that right? Mr. Raman Kumar Bhalla wants to talk with me, he wants to know what's the matter here does he?"
"Yes."
She lets out a short laugh at that, which contains no trace of humor.
"Wow this must be my lucky day, I got to dance with my husband and got praised by him publicly again and now he even wishes to speak with me. Wow just wow, so many miracles in a single day - I must be dreaming since it can't be real for sure now can it be?"
"Ishita... Say whatever you have to but... please, look I know you must have been so hurt tonight. I understand that. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You understand that? You realize I was hurt today. Wow indeed a day of miracles, Raman Bhalla and here I was thinking the count is out. Looks like I was wrong here."
"Ishita why can't you just say you hurt me Raman, say you shouldn't have done what you did, you embarrassed me. Ask me why I danced with Shagun, come on Ishita please."
"What good can come of it now? Will things change? Will time turn back? The answer to all these questions is no. So just, go to sleep Raman and let me be, I am sorry if I woke you up but I will not disturb you anymore. I am going outside to sleep"
She is about to get up from the bed and is in the process of laying aside the blanket covering her when he springs up from the bed and looks at her angrily. She thinks he will argue now with her. His stance indicates his anger very well, but instead this unpredictable man surprises her yet again.
The next moment he is crouching down to pick up a sleeping Ruhi in his arms. She gets confused with his actions to stop in her tracks. As soon as Ruhi is secured in his arms, he is outside their room and walking into Ruhi', she follows him out of curiosity and observes he is laying down their daughter on her bed. He switches on the AC, sets it to the temperature their daughter is comfortable with, puts the blanket over her securely and with a kiss to her forehead is almost out of the room when he spots her standing at the threshold.
She is about to move in when he walks ahead but he grabs hold of her hand and immediately has a finger on his lips to hush her,
"Shh, Ruhi will wake up."
They are on their way, heading back in their room in a matter of moments and he has still not let go of her hand. Once they are inside the room he lets go of her hand only so he can turn around and lock the door.
He turns around then to face her, only she walks away from him towards the bed and is picking up a pillow for herself when he comes around from behind and grabs her hand.
"Let go of my hand Raman."
"I won't, not until you talk to me."
"Leave me Raman; I don't wanna talk to you. Just go to sleep and let me too. I am tired as it is."
"Not until we have talked tonight."
"Fine if that's how you want it."
She starts struggling with him in the earnest to free her hand as he puts up a fight to keep his hold on her, when suddenly she pushes him hard enough that he loses his balance. The next moment he is on the bed on his back, with her on top of him, their hands crushed between them, his hold as firm as it was.
For a moment, they stop struggling, caught in the position and their eyes lock. He finds his heartbeat faster with the intimacy of the moment he finds them in and is still staring at her when she recovers. She starts her endeavor to free herself once again, only for him to lose his patience and roll her over on her back. The positions now reversed, he is on top and she is the one on her back staring up at him.
"Raman let me go. Get off of me."
"I won't, so stop with the monkey business already and talk to me. Until you won't I won't move I promise you that. And even if you call anyone the door is locked from the inside, understand that?"
"You think this will intimidate me? Your power as a man, make me to talk with you?"
"No... but it will give me something else."
"What?"
"A reason to hold you, have you so close to me as much as I want to be for as long as you keep this up."
"Those reasons become important only when there is actually something between couples. This isn't a lovers' quarrel here Raman Bhalla, there is no love between us."
"No there isn't, and we aren't lovers I'll give you that. But this is war... of sorts and as is said everything is fair in love and war."
"So this is your idea of winning? Holding down a woman using your brute strength against her wish to prove you are a strong man."
"No, I don't plan to win anything here using these tactics. However, I am a man, and having a woman underneath me is not very bad you know... Not when she is my wife after all."
"Wife, did you just say wife? What is the use Raman of all this show then- this husband wife drama we play requires an audience always and right now, there is no one here besides us. So stop the acting."
"Not all things require an audience... not when a husband is with his wife in their bedroom Ishita."
"True, but only when they have that kind of a marriage which we don't."
"No we don't, but we are married and right now if anyone were to have walked in on us... They would turn around and leave, I hope you realize what it would seem we are doing here."
"We are doing nothing -you are holding me by force here."
"That's not what it would seem to anyone else."
"That is the point isn't it - anyone else, everyone else - you need to live your life by pleasing others. You value what others think of you so highly, it does not matter to you what is important. Feelings or emotions of those who live with you have no meaning to you but opinions of those who do not matter in the end. I can't do that, I don't."
"I didn't plan to hurt you...I was just too god damn angry at Shagun to think straight Ishita."
"When are you not angry with her huh? And when will you understand that woman seeks attention, all you do with these foolish acts is indulge her - even if you end up insulting her, it doesn't matter to her, hasn't ever nor ever will."
"Are you jealous I danced with her?"
"Jealous? My foot... you can dance with anyone you want, what I feel is not jealousy Raman Bhalla but anger and humiliation. You insulted me tonight by doing what you did."
"I said I didn't mean too... She said some things and I wanted to set a record straight with her so I did the first thing that came to my mind."
"She accused you of having two left feet did she? That you had to prove that by dancing with her and insulting me in the process."
"What? No silly woman... she said a lot of stuff about us - you, me and well the time we were married."
"And dancing was the solution to that?"
"Will you stop with the dance comments? I am trying to tell you the reason for my behavior here."
"Go on... I am listening. "
"She...she said I still love her and that's why though we are married I never have touched you. It angered me, upset me."
She looks at him then, her eyes quickly flicker between them and she looks tensed immediately,
"Is... Is that what ...what you are... trying to do here now?" She stammers with confusion.
"Do what?"
With great effort she musters enough strength within her, her eyes close briefly and she lets down a gulp, before looking back at him, finding all the courage she can within her before she continues,
"Change the status quo of our relationship because your ex-wife said you haven't slept with me."
His eyes widen at that, as he lets out a huff and immediately rolls off her. She immediately is sitting on the bed beside him after that.
"NO you idiot of course not." He all but yells looking at her.
"Why? Her ideas and opinions clearly still matter to you. what she says, what she does have an importance in your life even now?"
"Are you out of your mind?"
"Not right now, but if this keeps up I will be. "
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Simply that you cannot be happy Raman, nor can you stop your past from dictating you, your actions."
"That is a lie!"
"Is it? Shagun accuses you of something on holi and you dance with me to prove your point, she says you still love her so you dance with her and let her fall so you can let her see you do not. She even accused you of not sleeping with me because you cannot touch any other woman other than her - so does it mean one day you will finish what you almost started today just to prove a point to her? That I am an object, a toy you can use at your fancy whenever your ex-wife provokes you enough."
"Ishita!"
He can say no other thing except her name at this point.
"Does it hurt to hear the truth Raman? You wanted it now you got it."
"This isn't the truth... I would never... How can you even say that? think that?"
"Why can I not? You, your actions make me think I mean no more than a toy to you - if my feelings, my respect holds no importance in your opinion why should my will? One day you can do anything...why does it surprise you Raman?"
He looks stricken with her words,
"Do you really consider me that sort of a man?"
She finally cries at that,
"That is the problem isn't it Raman, I don't know what to make of you. I can't understand you or what's happening with me here, with us."
When she doesn't continue for a while he is about to speak when she suddenly speaks up between tears but doesn't look at him,
"I assumed I was mistaken in understanding you Raman... I felt I had misunderstood you so much. You do things I do not expect of you and take me by surprise. Sometimes you hurt me and sometimes you heal me. You stand up for me against Subu' mom, against your own family. You save me when I am in any trouble. You take care of me when I am hurt even if you have a weird way of showing your concern and you get me things...things I never demand or expect from you.
Those dresses... you got them for me - one because Ruhi liked it and the other on your own. Yesterday you got me that necklace, something so expensive which I never saw coming."
"Something so gaudy that you hated it at first sight." He speaks up without meaning too.
As he does, she looks at him and suddenly she has a smile amidst those tears on her face,
"Something you selected for me... Something you spent three hours for in that showroom."
He looks surprised at her revelation,
"Yes I know...Mihir told me."
She shakes her head after that, with her hands around herself, she has her feet on the bed and rests her chin on her knees, she continues.
"You know what's funny here Raman? Ever since I learned of this, I was trying to make it up to you, say sorry because I hurt you, it was unintentional but you got hurt because of me. I assumed you sent a staff member and got something for me, yes, the design is too loud for my taste but it became... It became valuable to me because of the time you put in it. the hours, the minutes and seconds you invested not the money."
"That's why you wanted to go for the coffee?"
She nods her head,
"I was gonna say I am sorry but I spotted Trisha and Romi and things... I was trying to say sorry even in the party to you but you would not listen to me. I thought after the dance I would say it, let you know I never intended to hurt you -it was a sweet thing you did. Only for things, we both did the same things Raman. We hurt each other but there is a difference. Do you know what the difference is? When I hurt you the matter remained between the two of us and the only other person who has any idea of the truth is Mihir, who is family... What you did today was a public spectacle."
"I...I am sorry Ishita, really very sorry."
"I don't need apologies here Raman; if you want to do something please just promise me one thing."
"Anything." He immediately replied, right now he would accept anything she asks of him, he has to make this right anyhow, he has to set things right.
"Promise me you won't use me again in any ego issues of yours - you and Shagun I don't... I will not comment on it, it is not my place... I am only your wife for namesakes but please keep me out of your games I cannot take it anymore. The two of you had Ruhi before in a tug of war and now you both are crushing me here; please keep me out of this. I am fed up of these... These games the two of you play with each other, please don't make me another player or pawn in it."
He recalled every instance where he selfishly used her- each occasion where he gave no regard to her feelings or considered them of no consequence, at least not enough to understand how his actions affected her. He has never been more ashamed of his behavior; this woman deserves so much more - so much respect, care from his end. She has made his life a better place - has made him a happier man, a better father for Ruhi - this is the least he should do for her. This is not what she need ask of him - he should have done this of his own accord.
He resolves never ever to hurt her in this fashion ever again...to remember that humiliating a woman who has hurt him in the past is not as important as respecting the woman who has improved his present and is his future. He needs to stop looking back and giving undue importance to those who do not deserve it.
The most important people in his life are his family members - and Ishita is family.
"I promise Ishita, this won't happen again. Ever."
She looks at him apprehensively, somehow his words do not mean much at the moment to her. She believes they are just a consolation offered to her. Her face conveys as much to him, so he takes her hand in between both of his and looks her in the eye, so she may believe the sincerity of his vow.
"I promise I won't ever drag you in this Ishita, I won't place any importance to words insignificant people say. I swear by Ruhi, trust me please."
Her eyes soften then and she nods her head,
"Thank you Raman." she whispers faintly.
"No, thank you... I am... I should have realized what this must have been doing to you... I was too self-absorbed to understand it and ... you are forgiven."
When her brows gather in confusion by what he said towards the end, he clears the doubt without giving her a chance to ask it.
"For criticizing the necklace...I... it was a spur of the moment decision."
"Which took you three hours?" she asks delighting in his obvious discomfort, her husband does not squirm easy but when he does, she has to admit, she enjoys the sight.
"I... I have never purchased jewelry before ok. That stupid sales representative said he knew what women like... I ...I thought he was right." He finishes sheepishly.
She has to laugh at the adorable expression on his face,
"What?" he asks affronted.
"You should have seen your face."
"What about my face?"
She controls her laughter enough to answer him,
"I didn't catch you red-handed Raman, you looked like a kid caught with his hand down a candy jar."
For a moment, he is affronted but then laughs,
"So you think I am cute?"
"Huh?"
"You said I looked like a kid, kids are cute." He asks her with a smirk.
"Cute?"
"Yeah."
"I wouldn't use that word."
"Than what would you use to describe me... I am hot stuff after all; you saw the women and girls checking me out."
"Hmm... like the men checking me out."
At the mention of the men checking her out, he visibly gets miffed but tried to play cool.
"Yeah whatever."
"Those friends of yours - didn't you hear they were praising me, that they cannot call me Bhabhi."
"Who said that?"
"Abhishek, in front of you Raman, didn't you hear that?"
"No." he recalls being so busy in checking her out his mind blocked out everything except her for those moments, oh he would not spare Abhishek that is for sure. Wont call his wife Bhabhi, hmmm we'll see about that.
"Why?"
"What why and seriously what time is it? go to sleep I am tired as it is, god its almost 4 am. I have an early morning tomorrow."
She smiled at his anger but complied anyway. She was tired and really needed some sleep, when she was about to get off the bed with her pillow, he stopped her again,
"Hello where do you think you are going now?"
"To sleep on the sofa."
"You can sleep here, don't worry I won't attack you or anything..."
"But..."
"Can you ever in your life for once just agree to something I say without any arguments, you must be tired today you silly woman and the sofa is not as comfortable. Relax and sleep here, else your backache would be worse."
"You know I have a backache?"
"Yes." He replied without thinking, when he saw the surprised expression on her face immediately added.
"It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, I ... I saw you were trying to massage your back."
She did not know what to say to that, true she had tried doing so before bed but she was so tired she gave up after a few minutes and she had assumed he was asleep then as well. The room was relatively dark when she was attempting to ease her aching back.
He was not asleep all this while as he pretended to be, as she assumed he was, he was awake!
The realization somehow warms her heart... it makes her happy he is so attuned to her.
Somehow, at the end of a long, bittersweet day she sees this as a silver lining. Her husband pays attention to her so precisely.
The lights are out soon and they face away from each other in the dark as they fall asleep with smiles on their faces.
Edited by EkPaheli - 11 years ago
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
Love Friendship Dating and Relationships
Tum Se Tum Tak
Financial markets and global economy
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
1.2k