Originally posted by: aimf
Priding herself for hailing from an educated (read cultured) family, who have a perfect presentation of self, and who never err in public, Ishu had zero tolerance for Raman and his drunkenness.
The problem with these bhashans was that they were delivered from an ivory tower of righteous notions of culture and family values.
Re: both of the above. In addition to her background, Ishita has a need to be Perfect. That's why her inability to conceive is such a sensitive point for her and why the likes of Bala's mom can push her buttons so easily as she subconsciously sees it as a flaw in herself (not that it actually is a flaw at all). Perfectionism is her way of continuously trying to correct this flaw. Her righteousness is also her protection mechanism to protect herself from being rejected by men/society.
Be that as it may, I think Toshi's recurrent one-liners to the tunes of of "we have also raised children; we know how to run a kitchen --in fact we have done it for the last 35 years" etc. were also retaliations at what she perceived as Ishu's aloofness arising from her refusal to get off her holier-than-thou hobby-horse of sort.
Very insightful point re Toshiji and the distance with Ishita. I know sometime when I do a know-it-all tirade with my mom once too often she will say. "Humne bhi bahot Diwali dekhee Hain" - usually gets me back to earth mighty fast 😊😳
That Ishu continued to cling on to her morals and judge everyone through her own lenses is not something we can hold against her. After all, she was stuck in an unfamiliar cultural milieu, and a hostile marriage that was not of her own making. When people are in such dire straits, they tend to cope by holding on to whatever they can. This was the only way Ishu could cling on to a sense of self imparted to her by her culture and upbringing. However, this very culture that served to uplift her in the past, gift her with an education and make her a highly regarded dentist in her profession, was slowly beginning to strangulate her chances of discovering a shared sense of self in relation to her new family.
Fabulous point - what is her tried and true winning formula in one environment fails to work in another environment/belief system. In a sense this perfectionism/righteneous which is a defense mechanism anyway distances her from her new family and others too.
This was because Ishu's moral policing obfuscated her ability to differentiate between the person and his or her behavior. Ishu was quick to conclude that Raman's behavior equals Raman himself, and this non-separation made her more alienated from him, and vice-verse.
Once she began to ruminate about her actions and the cool waters of discrimination washed over her, she was able to see herself in a new and fallible light. Fallibility is the precursor of compassion and emotional growth. If she, Ishita Iyer, the moral police of the neighborhood could be so fallible, what about others? If she, a good and law-abiding person, could behave so undesirably, perhaps others with undesirable behaviors were also not bad people? Perhaps they were just misled?
Yes!!! Raman is in touch with his humanity and flaws. That's why even though he able to criticisize Ishita's behaviour/rudeness while drunk, he did not equate it with Ishita as a person ; he was therefore able to stand indignantly and proudly for Ishita's dignity, accomplishments,value and position in his life when Bala's mom taunted Ishita about her two failed engagements. Being accepting about his own humanity and fallibility makes him compassionate to Ishita's flaws.
"Fallibility is the precursor of compassion and emotional growth". Love, love love this
I loved the light banter and casual demeanor with which the Bhalla family greeted Ishita's hangover. They did not shove it in her face, or make her feel bad about it, but they also were not beyond heartily enjoying her predicament. It seemed as though they were truly welcoming her into the family, as she was now part of their secret, their secret of coping with the pains in their lives.
Her imperfection actually secured love, compassion and acceptance in her new family - this whole scene was so touching beneath the humour
. She not only acknowledges Ruhi's question but answers it with a grace that lovingly cloaks the entire family with acceptance. Immediately she is joined by Toshi, who embellishes and builds upon Ishita's response to Ruhi, and for the first time we see both the mother and the grandmother on the same page, parenting the child together as a team.
Yes, an awkward moment handled with grace by two women with one common goal - for Toshiji this drinking of Ishu was very much about hamaare rang mein rang gay I - not so much about her condoning the drinking but about the acceptance
Thanks to all for reading this post. Comments and thoughts are welcome.
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