papaG & yuvi: adult child-parent conflict; am my own person

as promised, here is my new papaG related post. 😂

this is a continuation of the previous adult child-parent conflict. seeing the feelings of yuvraj, I think it would be rather mean and much like papaG if I was to club him in the old thread. 😆 so it seemed appropriate to have a separate part II to this conflict. if you haven't read part I, you can read it here. 

the conflict with yuvraj is a different dynamic as opposed to aditya and is just as real. so with every section, I have put questions for thought -- feel free to respond, reflect, discuss. the point of this thread is not about who is to blame or whether papaG or yuvraj is at fault. just as with with aditya (part I of adult child-parent conflict), this thread is also about looking at adult-child parent conflict dynamics and asking if these are issues that can be resolved. 

forgotten like the furniture in the house

yuvraj represents all the adults who are the boring, responsible child but not appreciated by their parents necessarily. it does not matter that yuvraj is the one that is there physically in the house and standing by papaG. but his parents don't necessarily see or value what yuvraj is adding to the house. 

it is not that papaG does not love yuvraj, he definitely does but whatever good yuvraj does is taken for granted. it is not seen as anything special that yuvraj stuck by his parents after aditya left. it is not seen as anything special that yuvraj continues to live with his parents even if he has conflict with his father. it is not seen as anything special that yuvraj chose to work with his father instead of elsewhere. 

there is nothing that shines about yuvraj. instead, it is aditya who they miss and chat about constantly. even when aditya is no longer there, his ghost seems to linger. 

while this may seem like a drama conflict, it plays out in real life as well. sometimes these stories are shared with a sense of comedy mingled with underlying frustration. 

a colleague once sarcastically said how he may be the child who takes their parents to hospital at 2 in the morning, buys medicines, keeps track but the parents are super excited to see the brother who lives in another city/country. that other brother and family gets non-veg food while he and his family only gets old veg diet food when they visit. if he complains, his mom tells him to order through swiggy or take them out to eat. 🤣🤣

in osthe, the tamil movie version of dabaang, the ML hilariously fights with his mom about the thickness of the dosa. how his younger brother gets the crispy version while he gets the fat blob with old chutney. 🤣🤣 while these stories are hilarious, it shows that people feel valued in the small actions. sometimes we are in need of these small gestures that we matter and that we are not forgotten. 

Q. so here is the question for forum members: 

how can parents make their children feel valued? how can parents note their appreciation for the boring, responsible ways the child stands by them? 

if you are an adult child who feels they are not acknowledged, how do you deal with it? how do you communicate those feelings to your parents? do you think it can change to a more healthier dynamic?

for those members with teenage children, how do you make your child feel appreciated? and in reverse, do you feel your children appreciate you for what you do? 

or on a general note, are we present and acknowledge the family members who quietly do things in the background? do we appreciate them? how can we make them feel valued? 

the problem of being average

yuvraj represents all the adults who are very average and outshone by their siblings and friends; so they seem a constant disappointment to their parents. it does not help that yuvraj clearly does not have the business acumen. 

in some ways, papaG's fears and irritation is justified. many generational business fail after the owner passes away and it is because the second or third generation have no idea how to operate a business. at the same time, can papaG guide in a better way? is it yuvraj's problem that he is not able to pick up what papaG is trying to teach him or is this because papaG is not a good teacher? but if yuvraj does not have the aptitude, would it matter if papaG was not as harsh? how can this conflict be resolved?

katha tries to encourage yuvraj by reminding him that aditya appreciated and loved yuvi but it seems that her efforts are in vain. is it yuvraj's problem then only? is there nothing that can be done to help lift their hearts when you see a family member struggling? 

Q. so here is the question for forum members:

how do you deal with your feelings of being outshone? how do you find a sense of security in yourself even if you are average? how do you forge a path for yourself where you are content and feel you are putting your best foot forward? 

how do you feel about constantly disapointing your parents and how does that affect your relationship with them? do you believe this can be something that can be fixed with time? 

do you feel your averageness is impacting other relationships such as with your siblings? your cousins? your friends? are you able to have healthy relationships or do you feel you being average is impacting your social relationships? if you are like katha and seeing a family member struggle in this kind of issue, how do you respond? 

as parents, how do you deal with your disappointments in your children? how do you communicate those feelings? are you trying to motivate them or you expressing your own frustrations? when is it time to let go and when is it time to lean in? are you making things better or worse through comparison? 

"not enough"

yuvraj represents all the adults who feel invisible in their house and feel they are deemed "not enough" by all around them. it does not matter how hard they work, how much they give to the house with love but they feel unappreciated and unloved. this then leads to friction. yuvraj feels he cannot even miss aditya because he is made to feel resentful towards aditya for outshining even after death. yuvraj cannot fill the shoes of aditya regardless how hard he tries. if papaG is eating his head, reet does the same. 

she goes from concern (when papaG is shouting at yuvi) to anger (when papaG mentions aditya) to derision (when she mocks yuvi that he has received his quota of insults for the day). so his conflict with papaG is spilling over to other parts of his life. 

Q. so here is the question for forum members:

how do you support your spouse/partner/significant other when they feel undervalued by their own family? what should and should not be done? 

if you feel that you are not valued because of the actions of your husband, how do you respond? if your feelings of your own insecurity is exasberated by what is going on with your in-laws, what is the best way forward? 

if your loved one is dealing with the feelings of insecurity, how do you handle it? how do you see insecurity or feelings of anxiety affect other areas such as relationships with your children?

papaG continues to give us a lot to discuss and chat about. well, at least it does for me 🤣

hope the questions I have posted give us a lot to chew about. 

tag 1.0 

just some random real life related questions inspired by reel stories. can you see or feel for yuvraj? or do you see papaG's side more?

tag 2.0 

what would be your takeaway from this conflict? do you see real life tangents? 

if I have missed any in tagging, sorry in advance. have a good weekend all. 

tag 3.0 

Wow Mango, you toh have written a whole article which could actually be published! Next time, I'll ask you to write my essays for university. 😂

Your analysis of Yuvraj is on point. Though I strictly condemn his affair, I completely sympathise with his position as a child and a son. 

One thing I would like to add to your analysis is that no one in the Garewal household even tried to understand the loss that Yuvraj would have felt when Aditya passed away. He is his only sibling, and from how Adi is presented to us, it seems like both Yuvi and Adi would have been quite close together. From the episodes we have seen till now, Yuvi doesn't seem to resent Adi at all, despite the comparisons; it's just that he is fed up with him not being acknowledged at all in the Garewal household. I have a sister and she is the person I am closest to, so I can guarantee that the loss of a sibling relationship to Yuvi is something that is irreplaceable. Though PapaG and MamaG have always felt the loss of Adi, I believe that a huge flaw in their parenting is them not acknowledging how depressing Adi's loss would have been to Yuvi. They have been so lost in their own grief and their feelings that they could not accommodate Yuvi into their life. 

So to answer your question about how PapaG and MamaG could have been better parents, I think that they could have dealt with the loss of Adi as a family instead of dealing with it on their own. If they had been more open about their feelings with each other as a family, they could have actually ended up been a tight-knit family (as Yuvi is the only child of the house now). By excluding Yuvi consistently, they have almost made him an outsider of his own family. 

Also Mango, I think that the devaluing of Yuvi has been happening ever since his childhood. I just get that sense that Adi always was conventionally smart, and therefore he was the golden child of the family. And Yuvi probably was the child who was sidelined all his life. This comparison has been amplified after Adi's death. It seems to me that especially PapaG has been a parent who is more achievement-oriented than recognising a child for who they are. Yuvi has never really been noticed for his personality, attitude, values, etc; he was just seen as the son who was less competent than the older son. And that is heart-breaking. 

I strongly believe that all these deep-rooted issues are the result of the flawed parenting of both PapaG and MamaG. I blame MamaG too; though she is not explicitly mean to Yuvi, I think she failed as a parent to protect him from the constant comparisons that have weighed him down so much. 

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

what would be your takeaway from this conflict? do you see real life tangents? 

if I have missed any in tagging, sorry in advance. have a good weekend all. 

tag 3.0 

One thing that's for sure a out this show is it displays things the way they would be in real life or practically like TVF shows where everything feels so relatable because of the way they are presented...

And here also, this is so true as it happens...

Well atleast in my family... I was a bright student from the beginning and my younger brother was an average or initially somewhat below average... Then youngest is sister who was bright too...

Now while me and my sister scored good grades, it became like common for us and it was nothing new anymore... And my brother whenever he did better, he was being praised.. and that's good too to boost his confidence..

But now, I cleared entrance, completed the course my parents always wanted... (Even though I didn't have much interest) and now I'm working... But now I'm saying that atleast I want to deviate a bit and follow what I want instead of conventional what's the world doing and now mamy a times I looked down... They are like kya rakha hai usme.. kya fayda hoga usse... Bade kaise banoge usme jaake... But my ideology is different... I mean yeah money is important but I want peace too... I don't want working all day everyday, instead I'll be okay with a bit less money but with peace of my mind...

And my brother changed stream as he was unable to cope up with previous and in this seems like he is liking it... Many a times he is scolded upon but recently I've seen that my parents have stopped mocking him and they have left him to continue at his own pace and do things the way he wants... But I'm still looked as I'll achieve something great and will make them proud... It happens that parents attach a certain thought to their one child in which another one often gets sidelined... But what I do is I don't say anything to my brother, atleast he is finally doing what he gets interest in .. and as for me... I'm hoping that my parents understand that I achieved what they wanted and now I want to pursue my interest in the same field for future.

Thanks for tag btw... 

papaG wants manufactured, customized children. Adi was his favorite child..bas baat maan leta..ziddi nahi banta toh kitna accha hota.  Yuvraj on the other hand, baat maanta hai..but Adi ke jaisa smart, intelligent, business acumen ke saath hota toh kitna accha hota 🤔

PapaG loves Aarav unconditionally but he couldn't love his children unconditionally.  There were conditions. Yuvraj is getting crushed under those conditions and Adi walked away from those conditions.

I hope papaG appreciates what he has and stops belittling Yuvraj before it is too late.

kekek... amra -- it is always easy to write about dramas than serious stuff like studies. 😂

but I really like the points you raised. in other ITV dramas, the mother will be overly reliant on the children because teh father is not present or she has a troubled relationship with her husband. here, papaG and mamaG have a solid marriage but it also means they excluded others like yuvi when it came to grieving as a family.  you are right -- if they had done it together, then the family would have healed. it does seem they never thought about how aditya's death has affected yuvraj and how he must feel. neither parent has thought about it.

yuvraj seems to have genuine affection for aditya and unlike reet, is not insecure over katha or aarav. he is fine with them having their place in this family. his problem is being undervalued and not appreciated. 

and I liked how you describe papaG's style of parenting -- achievement oriented. as we are constantly competing in a rat race, even parenting seems obsesssed over things like marks and later in life, salary and status. so if your child has not achieved these things, they are a failure and in turn, you are a failure as a parent. here, mamaG also has a role like you said and it is interesting how invisible she is. 

so the situation with yuvi is deep rooted and long going as you noted. am curious to see how the makers handle this issue and whether they go for a filmi route of sudden reconciliation or something more gradual. this is a conflict with real bit and that will spill over into other aspects such as his affair with the mystery lady. 

 thought provoking post👏

I will confess while watching Garewal's scene as just see it as filler scene..

But if we connect it to the real world as your post has done,  this scenario has so much of depth....

how can parents make their children feel valued? how can parents note their appreciation for the boring, responsible ways the child stands by them? 

I believe aadi is elder than Yuvraj here. In most of the cases more than based on  talent and abilities, parents have a special soft corner for the first born..

Subconsciously they treat them extra special..

Added to it aadi is dead and last memories of him with PapaG is not good. So PapaG must have that guilt and feeling of emptiness with him..

Mainly because of this reason he continues to ignore yuvraj ..

The thing here is communication..

Children should convey what they are feeling to parent. Then they can act up on it..

In the show papaG doesn't seem to know/care about the hurt he is causing to yuvraj..

Yuvraj  should bring it to him before reaching the saturation point .

In the show in 14 or 15 th epi when katha went to papaG restaurant for money. They showed a scene where in kitchen papaG was not happy with the way yuvraj was dealing with Chef but he made him understand this coolly  and calmly..

He can have the same approach now too..

Originally posted by: sidnilove

papaG wants manufactured, customized children. Adi was his favorite child..bas baat maan leta..ziddi nahi banta toh kitna accha hota.  Yuvraj on the other hand, baat maanta hai..but Adi ke jaisa smart, intelligent, business acumen ke saath hota toh kitna accha hota 🤔

PapaG loves Aarav unconditionally but he couldn't love his children unconditionally.  There were conditions. Yuvraj is getting crushed under those conditions and Adi walked away from those conditions.

I hope papaG appreciates what he has and stops belittling Yuvraj before it is too late.

yes papaG and mamaG are also in danger of losing another son if they keep putting him down. no one in this family realizes how close they are to crisis point here. when it strikes them, they will be confused and wondering what happened. did they not show love and affection? they won't be able to handle the answers.