It was a long way to breakfast and she rolled on the bed, without a congruent thought or a decision, if there indeed was one to be made. When the clock struck 7.00 AM, she finally relented to prepare herself for the day's activities. At worst, she expected another mindless ceremony or a drawn out pooja ritual to be completed, however with him being away, she couldn't predict the day's schedule with certainty.
By 8.45 AM, Arnav's sister, Anjali came knocking at their door, and with that, there were both off to where breakfast was being served to the wedding party. They still had another day of the entire lake palace to themselves and with the throngs of relatives and cousins, she sighted at the buffet tables, she assumed none were prepared to leave without experiencing for the full hospitality accorded by either families. However, the full capacity of relatives also meant incessant questions and nosy parkers she'll have to "tolerate." With a sigh, she got on with breakfast, but it was just then when the ladies from Arnav's family, also crowded nearby.
"So, its only the second day, Kushi, and you already have him running from you, eh?" said one aunt, with a loud guffaw, hinting at some joke, she couldn't place. Kushi returned an uneasy smile, in response. After all, only she knew, there was no running from the other, from there on - a fact she'd continually reminded herself all through the wee hours of the morning.
Anjali, being the blessed soul she was, squeezed her hand from under the table, for quick reassurance, conveying whose side the sister-in-law was on.
"You are still the bride of the occasion, Kushi. You should wear those fine Kanchivarams your uncle has got custom made for you. And something that's more showing of our status, around your neck. You dress up like that, people will think you are the bride's friend, and not the bride, dear!" said another woman, picking on her humble sense of style, she'd put together for the day. She gave an obliging nod and went back to her breakfast, only caring to show love for her body, that had starved for most part of the previous day without much food or water.
"If you are waiting for good news, then, you should be glad, they haven't made any gaudy jokes on you and Arnav yet," Anjali whispered.
"I guess so." She managed a quick smile back at her.
"Erhm!" She heard Anjali clear her voice. "There is something I have to give you, from before your marriage."
Scrunching her eyebrows, she turned to look at Anjali who was showing signs of worry on her forehead. "There is a letter that Arnav had written to you and let's just say, I had intercepted it, by way of an inside source."
Quickly turning around, Anjali grabbed a heavily stamped envelope from her potli and handed it to her. Before she could prompt Anjali any further, Anjali raised her hand, asking to be allowed that she continue.
"Kushi, I know stealing a letter meant for you, doesn't put me in good light, but before, you could jump to any conclusion, I want you to let me explain at least once," Anjali said and waited for an acknowledgement from her.
She nodded in assent, indulging her sister-in-law, for the one time, she had overstepped their boundaries. "Tell me di."
"I suppose I'm quite selfish Kushi. I had to keep this letter from you, because I wanted this wedding to come through and because I knew chote had his way of bullying any prospects we lined up for him. He has a very twisted sense of evading and rebelling against us. Of course, he would never say no to the subject of getting married itself, but he has always somehow managed to scare away the girl, over phone, or email, or over coffee, if they did manage to get to that part of the process that is. For the longest time, we couldn't figure out why our efforts fell apart, but it was only when I set him up with my friend's cousin I came to know of the horror stories."
Burying her face in her hands, Anjali shook her head, as if she was reliving the embarrassment of the encounter, in the present. Sighing, Anjali placed a hand on hers. "He's not bad you know," Anjali said, wavering in her tone, seeking any sign of agreement in her eyes. Kushi didn't have an answer. She didn't know what qualified someone good or bad, in general, when those could only be gauged on relative terms.
"Kushi, I'm not speaking as Arnav's di, but as the Anjali di, you have known all your childhood. I wouldn't have done what I did, if I didn't believe deep down that you two were meant to be together." Anjali said, shaking her mildly to come into that same agreement.
"And of course, even without having to steal this letter, I could tell that your marriage would have come about. Firstly, there was the urgency to close on the alliance from your family end. Your uncle wanted the wedding date set within the close of the month, the moment he heard Arnav didn't particularly oppose. And possibly because chote and you knew each other beforehand, his vehemence on a lot of matters died down quickly; he didn't throw tantrums that we didn't give him your email or phone number - but then unawares, you had called him. After that, I had given up all hope of your wedding, until we heard back from your family that you'd agreed. At first, he'd been surprised that you wanted to go ahead with the marriage, however, I believe it was also the element of surprise that in-turn convinced him, eventually," Anjali said, and
as an after thought, added, "I suppose, he must have chased down his contacts to get hold of your address."
"He got it from me di," she interjected, recollecting one of their few conversations, in the month before their marriage. "Our time zones didn't leave us with a lot of time to hold a conversation at length - he was mostly unavailable when I called and for the times, he could spare, I was busy, settling my affairs in New York. In the few times that we managed, there had been something of a mention from me about the lost art of writing letters, and he'd said, he would write me one. I didn't suspect it was meant to be received before the wedding, so I didn't expect to receive any," she ended and looked up from the plate to Anjali, finding her lost in thought; her sister-in-law's face attempting to work at a calculation, she believed she wouldn't catch up to.
"Come with me," Anjali said abruptly, tugging at her hand.
Discreetly removing themselves to a nearby hallway, Anjali looked at her with pleading eyes. When she didn't understand Anjali's urging gaze, she clarified. "Won't you read and tell me, what's in the letter?" Anjali squeaked in a manner that was not in character with the equanimity she'd shown all her life. "Something tells me, its unlike anything he's written to all the women who came before you."
In a visible display of annoyance, she exhaled loudly. Kushi was still not sure of where her sister-in-law had left her with the newly revealed information of the existence of a letter: there was the matter of having stolen the letter to begin with, and then there was also the issue of what potential new insights the letter would add to her already chaotic life. "No di," she said, not wanting to indulge her sister-in-law further.
"You don't have to tell me the actual content, but the tone of the letter would do." Anjali nearly sounded pathetic in her show of desperation.
"Di..." she drawled, giving up, remembering all the other times, Anjali had stood by her side, when the elders had taken issue with her follies and misbehaving. But, in truth, she relented, understanding she was giving away a side of Arnav, his own sister had not been able to glean into, if indeed the letter was what her sister-in-law claimed: an unprecedented one.
Opening the letter, she saw that it was a brief one, not caring for the propriety of greetings that went with letter writing.
It read, "Kushi, I'm writing to understand you are sure about forging a relationship with me, through marriage. We have been good acquaintances, but we needn't burden ourselves with a forced intimacy, we both didn't care for until now. As for me, I love my job in the services. Few men that I know of have been able to tolerate the system we have built around us and also have their passions lie in serving the people. I'm one among them and I have to reinforce this aspect of me, as it would keep me away from home, for long, and would leave me with an erratic window to spare time for any companionship. I'm sure you understand that an idea and the implementation of the idea are not quite the same : the idea of an "us" appeal much to our families, but then they would be far removed from the practicality of being "us." We lost touch long ago, but with what I have been able to piece in the last few conversations, you appear to have immense respect for the individual, like me and so, I hope you would be relieved to know that I also strongly believe in maintaining the sense of individuality and abhor fused identities that couples develop upon getting married. In any relationship, I strictly adhere to the one factor that are key to the said individual's growth: freedom in being able to be onself. Even with all the understanding you could afford me, if you don't see me indulge you as your companion should, I would still only disappoint you for good reason, for my job requires me to exercise a larger degree of freedom, when another's need becomes my own, than any other man you could take as partner. Owing to which, I urge that you give your decision another thought, now that you are equipped with the preemptive knowledge about the nature of my priorities. That said, if you still wish to proceed with our marriage, I aver that I'll only give my everything to our relationship. Let me know either way. -Abhiram."
Having read his letter, she turned sideways, not ready to face Anjali. For most part, the letter sounded matter-of-fact than threatening or signify imminent danger in her decision to have married him - it didn't turn out he was fiendish, nor had there been confessions of his depravities, as she'd fearfully assumed. Apart from the concluding line of the letter that perturbed her mildly, she was thankful for his honesty and pragmatism that made up for the lack of tenderness. It didn't take her long to place his candidness and how brusque it must come across to any woman whose personality would only go skin-deep, or desired a man of amorous ways.
"So?" Anjali prompted, her eagerness exploding in the wide smile she held, forgoing her former guilt.
She hesitated unsure how to reveal of her newfound understanding about the man she'd married, but more importantly of the brother who held himself under an illusion to his own sister. "It's nothing to worry di. He doesn't sound as rude as you feared. Nor was he anything but honest about the responsibilities that comes with his job. It didn't seem he was particularly against our relationship, so I don't think you should worry that you have conned me into getting married to him."
She managed a smile, in order to assure her sister-in-law, however, when Anjali's face softened with a sudden tenderness, she found herself feel the rise of panic in her chest. A moment of silence rolled in, granting her to witness Anjali be awash with unexplained stillness. "You don't get it, do you Kushi?" Anjali asked, placing a hand on her cheek, showing for the maternal affections she'd always held for her. "My brother, holds complete sovereignty over the people he allows in his life and how they perceive him, even without exception for his own sister, who he'd led to believe that he could have only been against the subject of marriage. Only, you tell me that he hadn't sounded any bit against your marriage in the brief time you had spent over phone, or even in the letter.
Kushi, my brother is not the kind of man any woman could easily fall in love with, but importantly, he is the kind of man, who wouldn't allow just about any woman to fall in love with him," she said, ending with the conclusion, she couldn't have ever expected. "I'm saying, he likes you. And I have a feeling that it isn't a recent sentiment."
It took her more than a few seconds to register what her sister-in-law had just revealed and the dawning unsettled her, further more.
"I need to go to the restroom, di," she said, excusing herself to handle for the wetness that was collecting in her eyes. There had been nothing in the letter to show for his affections for her and yet, in the context of the picture her sister-in-law had painted of her husband, his pragmatism belied the side of him he hadn't been as open about. It took her a few more minutes of being alone in the closed bathroom stall, to recuperate from the clout of clarity, she'd been given about the circumstances she was facing then. Now, that there was no longer a doubt on the willingness on his part to see through their relationship, the questioned remained, if she would be too.
In that unforgiving instant, she scrunched her eyes shut and willed away the only reality, she had dealt herself unknowingly.
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