I loved him...
I still do ...
He is a temptation... And to save myself from the temptation of his hypnotizing eyes , I ran... I ran and ran till my feet could not take any more pain... till my breathes became shallow... but I knew there's no way I can stop... because he is a temptation and I have to resist him... till my soul , body and mind gets tired of this longing...
Longing for him...
Because I have made myself forbidden for him...
Till today I always thought that happiness is an outcome... but like every other day with his always correct approach towards life , he proved me wrong... he pointed out to me that happiness is a choice which I'm afraid to make...
As he pulled me inside this dark tunnel and pinned me to the wall I felt my skin turn hot... with each of his breath falling on my face I could feel my knees giving in...
"did I just heard you call me cheap???" I flinched at the intensity of his voice... It was a daily schedule for me to insult him , until today he decided to speak up... He hurled back all the insults to me in front of the college... how could he?? How could my swayam do it??? He is humanly incapable of hurting his Sharon... but he did...
"that's what you are... a cheap disgusting stalker... you just need me to fulfill your cheap fantasies..." I needed to say that... I needed to assure myself that I still effect him.. with each of my words I expected him to get hurt... but his eyes had turned icy... indifferent...
"if I needed you to fulfill my cheap fantasies..." He stressed at his word... " the night you spent in my arms after getting piss drunk was enough for me..." as soon as he uttered them I had flashes of the night... when in a state of high inebriation I let swayam see me... the real me... when I let swayam come close to me.. when I , curled up to him and whispered to his soul that it was me... the real me...
"and if I want I can just have you here... And I bet you won't stop me... like you didn't stop me that night... like you didn't stop shivam another night..." the rope was still not snapped... With each passing heart beat I wished I would wake up from a dream and I will find my old swayam... his eyes filled with love... for me... just for me...
"but I won't... because you won't be able to fulfill my fantasies... you know why??? Cause you are an easy girl..." the rope snapped and I felt myself falling... Into the darkness...
The guy standing in front of me called me an easy girl... The only guy whom I have ever given the right to see through me called me an easy girl... the only guy who ever came close to me called me an easy girl... the only guy who not only touched my body but my soul called me an easy girl... The world ceased to exist... so did i.. I felt my every existence is futile...
"sorry ms. Rai prakash... sorry I told you that night that our first kiss would be special..." His eyes were hollow... " it never would be... cause I won't let myself be with a girl like you... I will never let you question my ..." I know he wanted to say "love" .. but he didn't... his voice faded at the end and it scared me... I questioned myself , " so as his love?"
He jerked me away before staring me a glance and left...
His eyes were cold... I felt myself falling on the ground.. I guess , I have pushed him really away...
His eyes told me a story... probably he had understood that he was clinging onto something he would be better if he lets go... until today he was scared to let go the little bit he had of me... He was scared of emptiness... he was happy to have at least a bit of what he could never have whole of... but now , finally , he has understood that it was pain to cling onto something in bits than having nothing at all...
And that's when I realized he is not my temptation... he is my peace...
And I loved him...
I still do...
SEE NOTE
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