13th June 2013, Thursday.
Dear diary.
I know it's been a month since I last penned something down here.. But I was not in a condition too. Me, Rey and Kriya met Swayam almost 3 weeks before..We dropped him to the airport. He was going'Going to London' For five years. The day before him going to London, I faced something' Faced an emotional breakdown''
"It's been 3 months Swayam!" Rey went forward and hugged him. Indeed 3 months had passed since our last meet.
"Yes I know." Swayam said breaking the hug. He seemed a bit overjoyed and excited about something. "I planned this for a reason."
"What reason?" Kriya barged in their conversation.
"Well'" Swayam gathered the three of us and made us stand facing each other. I was facing Swayam and Rey was facing Kriya. Rey stood next to me and Kriya next to Swayam. We were in a small circle.
"Well what?" Kriya gave him a questioning look. "Please say it fast."
"I have happy news!" He said, sounding over excited. "I am going to London!" He added, pausing briefly after each word. That's Swayam's old habit. He cannot keep secrets or surprises.
"That's great!" Rey and Kriya said in unison. "For how long?"
"5 years." Swayam said. He expected all three of us to respond positively to this news. "Oxford university calling."
Rey and Kriya's stable faces turned into happy ones. Obviously, they looked super happy. They WERE super happy.
"Bro are you kidding me?" Rey went and gave him a guy hug again. Kriya looked elated too.
Swayam once again broke the hug and looked at Kriya's smiling face.
"Congrats Swayam." She shook his hand. Rey did the same after some time. "You deserved it Swayam." Rey said. He looked happier than swayam did.
Both of them were happy for him' In fact, Kriya even went and gave him a bone crashing hug.
"Thanks Kriya. Err.. You are killing me."
"Sorry Swayam!" She said in a jovial way, breaking the hug. "I am extremely happy for you! Gosh, you are amazing you know'I'm proud of being your friend."
"That's very sweet of you Kriya." He said smiling at her.
"This calls for a celebration'" Rey said and gave Swayam a side hug.
We were at our usual hangout spot. It belonged to Swayam, but during school hours we used to remain there, indefinitely.
So it's us.. Me, Rey, Swayam and Kriya.. We are childhood besties. We have been best friends since.. well I don't remember but we know each other from a long time. We love spending time with each other.. I have a good bond with everyone but from the past one year.. I feel I am something more than a friend...i feel something more than like for him...for swayam.
I don't know how it happened.. why it happened.. All i know is that I have fallen in love with him and it's not really possible to forget him so easily. We have been together these 10 years and I hope to see him in future too.. In fact, I hope that one day he'll reciprocate my feelings...my love...
I know I should have been happy for him. He's going to oxford. It's good for him and his education and all.. But somehow, it didn't really feel right. The thought of him going away not for 5 months.. for 5 years.. Killed me.. It's killing me inside..
Swayam and I could hardly interact with each other in our teen years. Courtesy goes to our classmates who kept teasing us. It wasn't bad but somehow I always found myself blushing and him staring weirdly at me then.
Maybe that's the reason he kept speaking to me lesser than he did earlier..
Earlier it seemed kind of bizarre but now I don't find it weird when I keep thinking about him.. I don't find it weird when I keep staring lovingly at him but he does. He finds me weird I guess..but no.. I know I can't make assumptions but somehow I never had the guts to share my feelings with him... I never ever had the courage to open up to him.. I could never ask him what he felt for me and maybe that's the reason why that day I felt more lonely than ever.
Everyone was smiling and talking happily. Everyone.. other than me. This time, not even Rey could sense that something was wrong with me. That's when Ramu kaka entered the room and gave us chips, cold drinks, and some light snacks to eat. I didn't feel like eating. I just wanted to go home and cry my heart out.
That's when Rey saw me and my gloomy face. He looked at me, hoping that I would look at him too.. and that we could communicate through facial expressions. Finally after mulling over these emotions for some time, I looked at him and lifted my eyebrows, trying to hide my pain.
Sharon, don't lie. I know something is wrong with you. He conveyed through his expressions.
I looked down. I didn't have the power to look at him and convey that I wasn't feeling well.
Rey didn't know what I felt for Swayam... I was not even going to tell him. I hadn't told anyone. Hence after some time, he stopped giving those glares to me.
"I'm gonna go and get some ice cream..." Rey said. All four of us were still together and were done with our dinner. "Kriya' you coming?"
"Yes." Kriya nodded slightly.
Rey and Kriya got up and went out to get some ice cream. I and Swayam were the only two people left in the room'There was a sudden silence and I was feeling odd as well as scared.
Rejection' A word which had pulled me back from expressing my feelings to Swayam all these months. Even though I was scared' Scared of losing him.. As a friend.. I had the chance to tell him that day. The situation was apt and even though I knew I was going to land up in a huge mess, I felt like telling him the truth. I hardly cared about the after effects.
I contemplated over my decision for a moment and decided. It was now or never. It was a do or die situation.
I had to tell him that day. I didn't know what the outcome was going to be' All I knew was, I had to tell him. I had to confess my love'
Swayam sat on the bean bag next to me rolling his eyes nervously. I wondered what was wrong with him.
"Swayam'" I began slowly.
"Yes?" He lifted his eyebrows and looked at me.
"I wanted to' umm' tell you something." I gulped although I wasn't chewing anything and spoke skeptically.
Suddenly his phone rang and he picked up the call. I don't know what happened; he began grinning on seeing the caller info.
"Hello!" He answered the call excitedly. And I sat there, waiting for him to end the call and me to tell him what I felt.
Should you do this Sharon? Please revise your decision once more' It might be wrong. You might end up hurting yourself.
I hardly cared. I had to let it out. I couldn't live with the fact for the next five years that I hadn't told him about my feelings. Especially when I had the chance to.
"Thank you dad!" He said and smiled like never before. He ended the call and looked at me happily.
I tried to put up a smile, but nevertheless I'm sure it looked faked... I was more confused than anything else.
"Guess what Sharon!" He spoke almost jumping from his bean bag. The smile was still there.
"What?" I tried to join him but it looked like he was already too contented to let anyone else share his happiness.
"I'm leaving in two days! Dad called me up to inform that I got the VISA.. And that I can leave for London in two days! Wow.. It's been a dream to visit London. I'm going to take a city tour of London before joining Oxford. I'm so happy Sharon!!"
"That's' that's great news'" I said, smiling weakly at him. The truth was that, I felt like breaking down as soon as I heard that. I know there were some chances of him loving me back as well' But I realized that more than the love I had for him, he loved his dreams. He loved his dreams more than anything else' And was not going to sacrifice them for anyone, whatsoever.
Damn you Sharon! Why did you even think that he'll reciprocate your love? Had he loved you, he would have proposed to you till now. You didn't think that?
I hadn't thought of any such possibility. I only knew that I loved Swayam and wanted to earn his love too.
I felt like crying.. I don't know why. Was it because he was going? Was it because I was not going to meet him for a long long time? Was it because I was scared of not meeting him for the rest of my life? Was it because I knew I had to live with the fact that I hadn't told him about my feelings?? I was certainly going to regret it.
"You wanted to tell me something right? Go ahead!" He said still sounding excited.
"Yes'" I said hiding my sadness. "Good luck'" I passed a smile indicating that I was happy for him.
Be strong Sharon' I reminded myself. I decided not to tell him the truth' I didn't want him to regret anything. I knew that I was going to regret this later but still. At that point of time, Swayam and his dreams were more important. I loved him and his priority was something that I kept on top... My feelings were nowhere in the list. I got a loser pessimistic feeling. Nevertheless, I tried to be happy for him. I tried to show that I was glad for him.
"Thanks Sharon!" He said and came forward to hug me. I let him hug me' He was going' far away'for a long time.
He embraced me and I enveloped my arms around his. I slowly closed my eyes preventing tears from trickling down. Nevertheless, I knew I couldn't control them for long.
"I have to go" I said breaking the hug.
"What about the ice cream?" He was taken aback by this sudden gesture of mine.
"No I am not hungry. I have to go. Happy journey." I said and prepared to leave.
"Well okay."
I walked towards the door when his voice stopped me.
"Will you miss me Sharon?" He asked.
I didn't face him. I couldn't let him see my tears. I was supposed to be strong then. "No." I said. I was in no mood to talk to anyone. Especially him. I had to get out of that place as soon as possible' I didn't wish to be bombarded with questions.. I didn't have any proper answers for any kind of question.
I don't know what happened after that. How he reacted. The only thing I knew was that I was hurt. Hurt because I couldn't say it to him. I felt like a total jerk. I know there were chances of him loving me too but in such a case I didn't want him to not go to London because of me.
Also, rejection was an important aspect here. I have been an emotional person and small things make me cry.. I know it doesn't suit my image but that's how I am.. A very emotional person. When I was little, I was completely against love and all. But as I started to grow up, I fell in love myself with the person who was really very close to me- Swayam. I knew I couldn't handle heartbreak.
Till this day.. That regret haunts me' I feel regretful even now about not telling it to him.. About not confessing my love to him'To Swayam.
Sharon.
Tortured you people kya? Sorry for that! As I said it was completely out of the blue... Also, I don't think the emotions were present in an exceptionally awesome way.
If you liked the OS, please hit the like tab and do comment!!
P.S Charu di I am working over your challenge OS!
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