A new FF - What does Ram really think? update pg14 - Page 9

5^th July

Never have I written so much in my diary'and that too even before the day has begun!!! Even when my real mother left me and Babuji passed away I did not feel so many emotions roiling inside me. Then there was grief ' but today I am experiencing emotions ' some which I cant even name!!!! My family has again convinced me to meet with Priya and resolve this simmering issue between us so that Karthik and Natasha can proceed with their lives and today I will meet her ' but I am scared ' really totally scared ' I dreamt that Priya was bringing in my morning chai aur mera badan poora pasina pasina ho gaya ' that's how scared I am!!! I have faced super business challenges with more equanimity than I face Priya today' god help me and I hope I can get her to agree to be on cordial terms till our siblings get married.

UFF yeh phir se kya ho gaya ' where did the press come from and how did something personal become a spectacle in front of so many people ' I am so angry now'. How did Mrs. Jaffery even know that I had arranged to meet with Priya there ' and since when has being a gentleman and doing the right thing become a curse 'all I did was bend down to pick up the ring and these people decided it was a proposal!!!! Cant they see ' and the sheer numbers that descended ' I could not even stop and clarify the situation. I had to escape from there but neither could I leave Priya at the mercy of those vultures ' and had to drag her from there ' which no doubt added to the impression of proposal ' Bloody Hell!!!

6^th July

I proposed to Priya over the phone!!!! In all my imaginations of getting married this is one scenario that I had not imagined ' and she said YES' reluctantly but yes' I will now have to adjust into a new aspect of life!!! Everyone is mighty pleased about this engag8ement and I have fixed it for tomorrow night 10.30 and Priya has agreed to be here. Ab mera yeh faisla mujhe kahan leke jayega????

Aaj poora din mere man mein yahi chal raha hai ki "kya maine theek kiya?" I know that it is too late for me to back out now but the very thought of marrying her gives me the shivers'what kind of a person is she? She does not allow me to finish a single line without butting in' I am so used to people who listen when I talk and I have to marry this woman who does not allow me to even think straight!!! God, what have I done? And she does not pull her punches either ' seedha muh pe bol di ' defects ka dukan ' I was really shocked at the way she addressed me'me Ram Kapoor' no one has ever spoken to me like I was a 5 year old who did not understand' and she did' and I am to marry her!!! While I am prepared to do anything to ensure Natasha's marriage and happiness every minute today has gone in wondering what I have let myself into' this new direction that my life is taking ' a direction that I cant control ' is making me very apprehensive and look for my anxiety pills' talking about pills ' Priya ka tho zara bhi kadar nahi hai mere medication par--- she makes fun of my dependence on them and kitna tanne marthi hai un par ' UFF!!!

Sab log soch rahe hain ki I am okay about the marriage and that I am looking forward to it' but I know that this marriage is going to be the most difficult thing that I will do in my life.!!!!!

July 7^th

 I got engaged to be married to one of the most unique creations in this world - surely there is no one else like her!!!!' and already the engagement seems to be headed towards crashing' Natasha came to me just after the engagement and said that she was not interested in marrying Karthik anymore and I also saw that he had hit her' I saw red' How dare he??? What did he think' that he can go around physically abusing my sister and that I would just keep quiet' When I saw Natasha's broken lip and the palm print on her face'mere gusse pe maine kabu rakh nahi paya' I rushed with Natasha to the Sharma house and was gearing up to give that nalayak a piece of my mind when both maa and mamaji tried to stop me by saying that it was possible that Natasha was wrong and that I had better check about what happened!!!

But why should I listen to them.. Natasha has said that she will not marry that boy anymore and that is that!!! Finished' I went to his house and gave him a piece of my mind and also told him that the engagement was off.. what happened there was a surprise' not one in Karthik's family defended him' in fact Priya supported my decision of calling off the engagement' again just goes to show that she is very different from other women'

What a day it has been' Kal poori raat so nahi paya ' the whole world seemed to be conspiring against me ' wherever I looked there were references to marriages and engagements and in the morning maa's badgering about the ring that I would give Priya!!! Waise mujhe yeh pata nahi lag raha hai ki what does maa think of Priya' she has seen her and met with her and to choose such flashy rings for her'my god I can imagine her comments if I had chosen one of those'Luckily there was a ring that looked simple and elegant at the same time and that is what I chose to give her' I mean I know that the engagement is over and we do not have any relationship now but right now the most important question at the top of my mind is "What happens now?" One the one hand there is no need for me to continue with the engagement because the primary reason for it does not exist anymore but on the other hand Vikram's words that Natasha and Karthik could afford to be immature but not me and Priya is really bothering me' 

8th July

I have decided that I'm calling off my engagement with Priya' why should I settle for a marriage based on compromise?? Even as I decide this my mind if filled with images of the engagement' What was Priya thinking now? Her life too has to be affected by what has been happening' but Natasha'

Looked  like she too was apprehensive about this engagement ' though she did hide it better than me!!! And that compliment episode'why oh why did I listen to Vikram???? Chupke bol diya ki you look good in yellow ' should have at least looked before I spoke ' I know- and kya reply mila!!! I guess I deserve it for talking without thinking but Hawww' she has a tongue as sharp as a knife ' I swear'ek hi jhatke me khud ko normal aur mujhe not normal bol di 'that too with a straight face'. If I was not in public I would have most certainly hit my head'

But to give her credit she got the message when I told that she looked just as she always did and that was not too bad and understood that I was complimenting her really and not just talking' Thank god for small favors'

Both of us got rings that did not fit' If what I gave her was loose, what she put on my finger was a little too tight' I do not normally believe in all this'but was this a sign of things to come between us???? Everybody seemed happy with what was happening and given that both of us are doing whatever we are doing to keep our families happy' I guess we were also happy for that short time'

Why is my head filled with thoughts of her when I have decided that we do not share anything now' Again there is a sense of surreal surrounding my life'

I do not understand what is going on and any attempt is only giving me severe heartburn!!!!

July 10^th

Is destiny conspiring against me? What in the bloddy hell is happening? In a matter of few weeks the same incident happens again??!!! I meet with Priya again at the same place in the same manner as the last time? How can this be happening? And this time her mother was the one who was at fault' Both of us were shocked to see each other' after barging into their house and calling off karthik and Natasha's marriage I haven't seen her or spoken with her ' thoughts of her fill my mind at the most inopportune times ' but I was really shocked when I saw her today apologizing for the accident..

Priya was the epitome of composure even when the wind was whipping her hair all over her face and not for a single moment in our conversation did I get a hint of anger or negativity' she gave me back the ring and very politely told me that given that we were no longer engaged she did not want to keep it with her' I tried to remove the ring that she had given me and end the matter then and there but damn the ring would not come off!!! It was too tight' Because I could not give her ring back I told her to keep the ring that I had given and just then Maa calls me and tells me to come home immediately!!!

I wondered ki yeh kaun si nayi musibat aan padi and I was so right ' Natasha wants to marry Karthik' She tells me that she cannot live without him and wants to re establish their relationship' Vikram's words have come back to haunt me.. He had told me that this would happen and now who is left holding the bag' RAM KAPOOR!!!

July 11^th

I met with Karthik today and was reassured by his sincerity that whatever had happened would not be repeated' I told him to go and make up with Natasha and I set off to meet with his family' I did not know how I was going to talk to them and tell them that everything was back to normal ' but I had to ' Maa and Natasha were keen that I do the talking' why do they not understand that this 'you handle everything' attitude of theirs was making me feel like a ping pong ball ' kabhi idhar toh kabhi udhar' woh log mujhe yahan se wahan ball ki tarah khelenge aur main chup chap dekhta rahoon' And when I spoke with Priya' she too asked me the very same questions that were roiling in my mind!!! She was able to at least address what she felt and when her eyes teared up' my world came to a stand still' I could not bear to see her cry' the guilt that I felt at that moment was overwhelming' I tried to make her feel better by saying that when it came to my little sister nothing was important than her happiness and that I would talk to her family personally but the lift was not working' The shock in my face at climbing those 4 stairs again must have been evident because she recovered and told me that she would tell her family herself and that I could meet with them tomorrow when we came to finalize the date of the marriage'

If there is one thing that I realized today it is that there is definitely strange coincidence at work in my life' If earlier destiny conspired against my marriage, it is now working double time to ensure that I get married and only to Priya' I have had to change my perspective of her so many times in these few days that now I am not able to tell what exactly I think about her'

July 12th

Priya gave me a scare and another reason to remember that I had better think before I talk about anything to her... when she said that she had quiet a few things that she wanted to bring with her after the marriage and when I saw the room that she shared with her sister ... i was floored... where was she going to keep her things??? was the first question and then when she commented that "yahan aap cheezon ke bare mein itna soch rahe hai aur main soch rahi hoon  hum kaise poori zindagi ek saath bithayenge???" I really was stumped... Yes she too is experiencing  a great change in her life ... it must be difficult for her too..

July 16^th

It has been decided ' I will be marrying Priya on the 9^th of August. Natasha's marriage will be in the morning while mine will be in the night ' am I looking forward to them? The answer has to be both Yes and No' While the prospect of Chothi getting married and the realization that she has grown up brings great cheer to me, the fact that she will no longer live here and that I will have to now make space in my set life to accommodate Priya makes me very depressed ' Yesterday at the tilak ceremony I saw another side of Priya that set me thinking '  She loves her father ' unconditionally, unequivocally and wo itna respect karthi hai sudhir ji ko ki I am amazed ' Itna attuned hai uske Papa ke har mood aur feeling ke saath' mujhe laga ek aur insaan hai jo mere tarah apne papa ko pyaar karthi hai' I really understood what it was to be responsible for the marriage of a daughter when Priya spoke about a father's dreams and aspirations and how while he always wanted the very best for her ' he might not be able to provide for it ' and how difficult it is to accept that disparity '

Vikram and Neha have been very stridently asking me to talk to Priya and get to know her better' what do I need to know? Can't we get to know each other after the marriage? Why do I have to go through this courtship business when I know that this is a marriage of convenience? But Neha is insistent that Priya might expect me to call her and talk to her ' But Priya aisi nahi hai ' main janta hoon, lekin yeh log toh sunne ke liye tayar hi nahi hai!!!

July 25^th

Another date ' this time it is not a blind one but one arranged by my mother and sister ' with my fiance' What is wrong with these people and I wonder if Priya was even aware of this being set up ' It was a weird way to spend time on a date ' Priya realized that I was uncomfortable and whatever she said only irritated me further ' but what really surprised me was Natasha's attitude ' she told me to my face that she did not want our company ' she and Karthik wanted to spend time together ' arrey itne din kya kar rahe the??? Really !!! I found it very difficult to conduct a conversation and watched the cricket match. My discomfort might be funny to many people but I found that Priya was more than ready to just allow me my space ' she opened a book and started reading '

Even the very strange date and Karthik's obvious conspiring to make Priya and me spend some more time with each other pale in comparison with the telephone call from Apeksha. What does she want to talk with me? I have avoided her and any reference that part of my life for the past so many years ' Why has she come back and what does she want from me now???? And how will I ever explain to Priya what my relationship with her is????

Okay people... I know it is kind of long but there is so much Ram thinks...according to me...

Am enjoying writing it all up and hope that you'll do too... please do let me know what you'll think...

Lots of love and thanks for reading what I write... you'll have helped me explore a new horizon for myself