Hi friends...
Firstly sorry for the delay in updating my FF.. Was a little depressed about BALH... but yesterday I saw one of the finest performances in recent times and this propelled me to get to writing... So here goes... am moving fast so that I can cover the ground before the nayi shuruaath!!!
June 20th
Ladka dhoondna kitna mushkil kaam hai?... maine bol toh diya ki if I can arrange a helicopter in 9 minutes it can't be too difficult to find a groom for Priya. Natasha's welfare is constantly there at the back of my mind and I also don't want to miss out on Karthik... From what I have seen of him and what I have found out about him... he is very smart, intelligent and ambitious and I liked the confidence with which he said that he can be successful on his own and does not anticipate my support... But finding a groom for an educated, over 30 year old woman is proving to be very difficult. I even went to Priya's coaching classes to find out what her preferences were and I was set straight by her instantly...she clearly told me that when it came to choosing a groom for her, her parents had the first right to do so and that it would be better if I stayed out of it and she also told me in no uncertain terms that I should not deny her parents the right... I was taken aback but then - she was right ...just because my sister wanted to get married to her brother did not mean that I could interfere in their personal life. But both Maa and Natasha are being very difficult... they want me to do something about it. So I have... and the sharma family and Priya like the man who I have worked out a deal with. This is indeed great news for all of us. Once Priya is married, I won't have to interact with her at any time and my sister's way is also clear...Indeed a great deal for all people involved!!
June 24th
Everybody is very happy with the way things are turning out... Yesterday we all attended the informal engagement and I was pleased to see Priya ... however how she likes the rain is beyond my understanding and when I told her that I hated rain, she said "Only people who know to love can appreciate the value of nature's beautiful things" Is that so?? I don't know... she seemed quiet and when I asked her if she was nervous she gave me a look that spoke millions ...When I told her that I was happy for her, she in turn told me that it was time for me to get married... It seemed like she wished me well really and truly and that impressed me a lot and that is probably why I told her about my decision to find my happiness in my family's happiness and saw her think about what I said... Today is perhaps the first time that I have seen Priya quiet, not giving her opinion on everything and generally very subdued... I wanted to compliment her on looking nice and did tell her but I do not know if she heard me...
Maa again surprised me by announcing that given Priya's engagement was going to happen tomorrow, it would be a double celebration if Karthik and Natasha too got engaged. I do not know why Maa is in such a hurry... I know that if I ask her anything she will give me a convincing answer but there is something there that maa, Natasha and Ishika are not telling me... I will find out... I'm sure very soon!!
My plans for Vineeth and Priya are going real well... no one has connected me to him and they are under the impression that whatever is happening is destiny... but I know that nothing happens in the world without the necessary push!!
The joy that I saw in Natasha's eyes when I gave her the ring to give Karthik was so fulfilling.. She is the only one who reacts when I do something for her and when she says that she knows her life is OK because she can depend on me... I felt wonderful...really really wonderful!!!
June 25th
What the hell happened???? I had everything planned so well and for everything to fall apart like a pack of cards!!!! How could that Vineeth even think of cheating Priya and her family... and he hood winked me... or have I become so self centered that I did not see his true colors in my need to fulfill chothi's wish?? When Vineeth said that he had done whatever because I had promised him money and a rosy future ... my whole world came crashing down... the look of shock on the Sharma household's face will stay with me for the rest of my life!!! And the way Priya said "Papa aap Mr.Kapoor ko kuch nahin kahenge...unka galti nahi hai..humne unhe yeh hak diya" really shook my confidence'Yeh maine kya kar diya aaj?
But what Priya did today - proved that she is someone very different, she has in her the ability to put others ahead of her even when she is hurt and so much is going on in her head... the grace with which she oversaw Natasha and Karthik's engagement really made me feel very guilty -- for which I tried to apologize but Priya was in no mood to forgive me... I understand her pain and I recognize it ...because I live with a similar longing in my life ... but how do I set right what I have hurt? Will I ever have the opportunity to make amends... Just yesterday I was so happy that what I had conceived of was finally taking shape and today I feel like the world's greatest burden rests on my shoulders and I don't know how to set it down... I have never ever felt so helpless and responsible for another's grief and this is eating me away from the inside...
June 26th
What is wrong with all the people in my life.. this morning when I saw the entire family gang up on me I was a little apprehensive about what they were going to say but what they did say totally floored me...where do they get these weird ideas from was my first thought ... they were asking me to get married ... and also telling me that they had chosen the right person for me'...
Ek baath yeh thi ki why were these people who had never spoken of my marriage to me suddenly thinking about it and secondly what made them think that it was high time I got married when they have kept quite all these years????? When it was ideal for me to get married, maa ya mamaji ne kuch bhi nahi kaha aur jab main mere life me accept kar chukka hoon ki ... pyaar, shaadi nahi hone wala hai, tab yeh log mujhe shaadi karne ke liye zid kar rahe hai???
What has changed that they suddenly think that I should get married? I saw the surprise on Vikram's face too but once he realized that these people were talking about what he has been badgering me about, he just turned around and said that he supports them!!! Wah bhai !
The greatest shock was when they told me that the girl whom they had chosen was Priya... mera dil toh ek minute ke liye rukh sa gaya!!! My god! Imagine being married to her... ha! I think the shock was evident in my face because both Maa and Ishika began to justify their choice by saying that my marriage to her would ease Natasha's life in the Sharma house and that given I that I had accepted that love was not going to happen in my life, why couldn't I consider this marriage of convenience as it would help Natasha... I kept looking from one face to another but they seemed resolute in getting me married to her.. And Vikram added his two bits by saying that this was the best way to get over my guilt about Vineeth and Priya... why don't they understand that even thinking of Priya in that fashion gives me the shivers!!! Itne dino se shaadi ke baat koi nahi kiya aur jhat se shaadi aur Priya ke saath??? Kyon ho raha hai yeh sab mere saath...aur maa bol rahi hai ki Priya's family is all right with all this? I somehow cant seem to believe this...but if Maa is saying it with such confidence then I guess I too ...
but the very idea of marriage is most certainly not a very appealing idea right now!!!!
June 28th
My life is going out of control and I am not able to understand head or tail of it!!! How could the Sharmas think that I would send a proposal out for Ayesha... she is 20 years younger than me... kya smaj ke rakhe hai yeh log??? Aur aaj maine Priya ka gussa bhi dekh liya... she controlled it and tried to not react but her "Main... aur inse shaadi???" will stay with me for the rest of my life... how dare she? My anger at her attitude was just !!! Mujhe samaj nahi aa raha hai ki ...20 years my life is perfectly on track and I know where I am going and suddenly in the last two weeks mere zindagi ka rukh hi badal gaya ... kyon ho raha hai aisa aur mai kaise handle karoon yeh sab... I have never felt this confusion before - and I am not able to decide what is true and what is being portrayed here ... karthik tried to rationalize things but somehow I cant imagine how they could even think that I would propose to Ayesha!!!
everybody is trying to convince me that it was just a misunderstanding but somehow, right now , I just don't know what is happening!!!
July 5th
Never have I written so much in my diary...and that too even before the day has begun!!! Even when my real mother left me and Babuji passed away I did not feel so many emotions roiling inside me. Then there was grief - a great deal of it - but today I am experiencing emotions... some of which I cant even name!!!! My family has again convinced me to meet with Priya and resolve this simmering issue between us so that Karthik and Natasha can proceed with their lives and today I will meet her ... but I am scared ...really totally scared ... I dreamt that Priya was bringing in my morning chai aur mera badan poora pasina pasina ho gaya... that's how scared I am!!! I have faced super business challenges with more equanimity than I face Priya today... god help me and I hope I can get her to agree to be on cordial terms till our siblings get married.
UFF yeh phir se kya ho gaya... where did the press come from and how did something personal become a spectacle in front of so many people... I am so angry now!. How did Mrs. Jaffery even know that I had arranged to meet with Priya there... and since when has being a gentleman and doing the right thing become a curse...all I did was bend down to pick up the ring and these people decided it was a proposal!!!! Cant they see clearly that we were arguing there and not talking love talk!!!! and the sheer numbers that descended ... I could not even stop and clarify the situation. I had to escape from there but I could not leave Priya at the mercy of those vultures ... and had to drag her from there ... which no doubt added to the impression of proposal... Bloody Hell!!!
1st July
I proposed to Priya over the phone!!!! In all my imaginations of getting married this is one scenario that I had not imagined ... and she said YES... reluctantly but yes... I will now have to adjust into a new aspect of life!!! Everyone is mighty pleased about this engagement and I have fixed it for tomorrow night 10.30 and Priya has agreed to be here. Ab mera yeh faisla mujhe kahan leke jayega????
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