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Originally posted by: CoffeeAddict
Blank eyes. Angry ones. Two words to explain both of their emotions. It's just brilliant how eyes are your emotions personified. She's emotionless. He's brimming with it. I am a super staunch believer that the eyes are the windows to your soul and the soul never lies. Trust me, I have a thing for expressive eyes. If an actor can't emote with his eyes, there is a high chance that he won't remain in my fav list forever 😆
"Judging by the inner volcano that seemed to be moving in his veins..." --> A little sentence formation glitch here. No grammatical error. But prose-wise it can improved. Yes, thanks for pointing it out! I always struggle with these kind of sentences. I tried to make it seem better but as I was short on time, I didn't bother much about it. But yeah, I am not that pleased with this sentence. Next time, I'll make sure to improvise it! 😃Brilliant imagery. The whole setup gave the story an even greater angsty feel and dramatic viewpoint. "...wind which sometimes caressed her cheeks, sometimes played with his hair." --> Somehow, it would've made more sense if it was the other way around. NOOO!!! The sight of a guy's tresses touching his forehead is just aaah!! to die for! I like guys with their light, fluffy, not-so-short hair. Wind ruffling with a guy's hair is a sight I die for! And besides, her hair were tied 😛 Also, a girl's hair flying with the wind is so cliched for me 😆
The conversation showed their characters and emotions in such a raw form that the impact was profound. She wanted to end the discussion, so resorted to giving close ended small sentence based comments. While he, he wanted to sort it out, his biggest need. He showed anger, calmness, reasoning. She showed nothing. This was kinda to give the impact that for her, words were meaningless. Whereas he just wanted to drag an already ended story. Also, it sort of pointed out (for me) that whatever happened was something major for her. And since she was the one who screwed up, she didn't want to discuss it."The shout came this time. Reaching out, he picked up a vase from the table at his side and threw it across the room. It hit the wall, just a few inches to her left and smashed on the ground." --> Somehow I do not see KD or RV's actions leading to this. He was angry but not overpowered by it completely. When you throw around stuff it's more because you're unable to reason out by words. The vase crashing next to her. They can't do it. This is where I saw Yuvi. I'm very bad at remembering faces, forget height or body structure. So i'd be completely moronic here and say maybe it won't suit them. But the characters give their feel. It would be them if they were to be portrayed by say Shantanu Maheshwari and Sneha Kapoor. Really? I tou can picture RV smashing things around. Maybe just my perspective. And in my defense, they are young and have not much control on their anger. Anger makes you do very very very VERY unusual and hurting things, this much everyone knows. Here, he was going an extra mile and wanting to sort out things. Something that wasn't even his fault. His character, KD or RV, is not that he would do it. Sure, if it's his fault he can do anything. But here the whole equation is reversed. He was being blamed for something he didn't know. That frustration mixed with the one that she was making him leave, probably to never return again, just heightened at one point and since he wasn't allowed to use words, he just used the vase to vent out his frustration."His back blocked the little light which had been illuminating her face." --> Should've been just "he blocked" or "the back of his head blocked" or even "the back of his shoulders blocked". None of them is so tall that the girl's face comes to their stomach considering that moonlight/sunlight falls in a slope not horizontally. Le dhoor 😳 Why are you putting physics here? 😳
"Hurt, anger, anguish, pain; so many emotions were shining in those blank, dark orbs." --> Though this is perfect, somehow sounds oxymoronic. Kinda the point, oxymoronic words something I use a lot. Just a trait 😆
"His reflection." --> I'll be a complete mood killer here and say, "Dude get out of the way and let some light be there between you and her eyes, and then you will see your face. Elementary Physics!" Throws a chappal at you! DU-UUUDEE!!! It is not literal! Haven't you heard the cheesy lyrics of these kinds, "teri ankhon mein meri tasveer hai"? Urgh! And I am not a huge fan of physics 😛
As I had said. I loved everything from the moment he left. Now i'll elaborate.I love the small mentions of tears you leave before she herself realizes she wasn't crying. I love how you have either aptly named it, or beautifully blended the topic in it. The mention of "crying" and "tears" though blending in like sugar and egg in a cake mixture, still stands out like the chocolate chips on the top. (Yes, I'm in one of my awful moods again. And I just finished baking.)You just used a cake analogy. Wo bhi chocolate cake. I hate you. I want that! 😭I love the one sentence paragraphs and the two-three words sentences. Brings out the simplicity very well and beautifully. It's like you guessed in the SS, it's my signature style 😊It's maybe the lyrics in My Immortal, maybe the music of evanescence or the voice of Amy Lee, but it happens with me too. Songs are the best muse for writing. Coming second only to he brilliant works of amazing writers laden with the emotions you need. Someone like you or Kay or En. I don't read much on IF but there is one friend who literally makes me want to just jump up and write. Her writings are so descriptive in nature that I am in awe and it's totally opposite of my vague and silent kind, she uses dialogues to explain what's going on. Whereas I try to keep the dialogues as little as possible. Music is always my fav source. Since I can't make VMs or siggys, the only form I can vent out my inner character or couple imagination is through writings. and I just do it 😆I hope this comment satisfies you enough. I'll go an comment on your PanSh SS now. Yes, this was more than enough! Detailed, honest and constructive! I rarely get comments like this so yaaay! Super appreciated! 😳
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