This Is My Note

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asmaanixx

@asmaanixx

Achiever

+ 5

Posted: 9 years ago

A lot of you guys have been private messaging me and leaving comments on the index. I have read them all, I have been touched by the immense love that you all have given me but here is what has been on my mind.

This is a message that I have sent to my friend. I didn't want to re-write it because I know I can't. So here it is.

"So I had initially planned on becoming a teacher but because of how bureaucratic the system is, I've decided that's not what I wanna do. So my plan now is to become an editor at a publishing house. Or something in that field. I left my job and am now going to be building up a portfolio and just try to get my name out there. To gain some experience in editing, I will be joining the Spectatorial, a speculative fiction magazine at U of T. The applications are due soon and I really want to submit some pieces hopefully by this week. In terms of school, a lot of my courses have no final exams or midterms. It's just one or two assignments that are weighted a lot and the participation mark is high as well. At the rate I am at right now, IF I get to complete two courses during summer, then I will have to courses worth 5.5 credits for the last year. If not, then I'm either gonna have to do one more summer semester or another year. But honestly, I just need a massive break from studying because I am at my wit's end. Everything around my life has become all about money and I can't find excitement or enjoyment in ANYTHING that I do. I am literally just passing my days, or being content or satisfied. But if we talk about "happiness" in the literal definition, I'm not that at all. I am NOT happy. I don't get excited about anything. It's f**king horrible. I am just in a really numbing state and I don't like it. I want to do things that I enjoy but I can't because I have f**king school to worry about so that I can get a f**king job in the end so that I can be caged up and locked in a f**king endless cycle until the day I f**king die. Like, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS?? I have to earn money so that I can learn how to do something just to make more money so that I can give THAT SAME money BACK to the government. I don't like this. I hate this capitalist society and ideology that we live in and I hate how it has invaded my life. At this point, I just want to go away, disappear, or something so that I'm not stuck. It's this feeling of being stuck, this feeling that your life isn't worth something, that you're not good enough, that everything you have done has been a waste. My life is a waste. That's how I feel right now. That I am a waste that is just taking up unnecessary space on this overly populated piece of rock. I just want to go away. And it's horrible, it is so f**king horrible that I am stuck in this space, this mindset because I know that am worth so much more. I know that I have a lot of potential to do great, but I can't get myself to just ACCEPT it and do something about it. I am locked in this space where I am expected to be something, do something because of my familial expectations, when I just want to be on my own. I don't want to answer to anyone. I don't want to feel their judgement because I don't want to give a f**k about what they have to say. I don't want to be affected or influenced by what they want me to be. I want so much but at the same time I don't want anything. I just want to simply BE. I'm not making any sense anymore but I am just so trapped inside my own head that I don't know how to explain this to anyone. I just feel so alone and it's really scaring me because I don't want to be trapped. I just want to get out and just go somewhere far, far away. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm just done with everything."

Yeah.

That's what's been up with me. In real life. So when 'the incident' happened, it broke me even more. I am rendered to nothing, and I feel like I am non-existent. My world in both fronts is crumbling apart.

I don't like the space I'm in right now. I absolutely hate it.

I hate the fact that I have spread so much negativity here. Made so many people upset, cry, and just feel either neglected or abandoned. But I am in a worse shape than you guys because I absolutely hate myself right now. I hate that I have let my personal problems to be directly affected onto you all. I hate that I have somehow allowed my own displeasure, and my failures to become a part of this forum and your lives. It wasn't fair, and you all didn't ask for it. But it's here and it is now a reality.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life or if I'm going to be here. I do know that I will always be writing, and especially on TwiNj. They have become a huge part of my life and I am never going to depart from them. They will always be present in some shape or form. I am going to complete the unfinished stories and write new ones. Whether I publish them here, however, is a different story.

I just don't know what to do and I feel so lost and I hate this feeling and this space I'm in right now and I am going to leave now because I don't to leave this forum crying. I am going to leave with some strength in me and some love because that is what I hope to be one day. Someone with strength, and a lot of love.

A lot.

Till we meet again.

Farewell.

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Frequent Posters

xxMATSxx

@RosyRosh

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 9 years ago

Gurleen!!! This entire note is so powerful. I just want you to know that i completely understand the feeling of being lost. Not knowinf where your futures going to take you. Not knowing whether you made the right decisions in life. Not knowing when things will turn out the way you want them to. I personally continue to struggle with this, but i use IF to escape all the realities once in.a while. A solace a safe haven and get away. But i also understand how consuming it can get and it becomes something so comfortable that it almost imhibits progress in your real life. All ill say is please stay strong and continue to fight and test out the waters of different things. Push yourself, makes a list of daily goals, and get someone in your life to be uo your ass that will motivate and push you into trying different things until you can figure things out. Do what you have to do and if its staying away from If though unwillingly then so be it. We will always be here and support you! Good luck and just know you arent alone in these feelings. It happens to so many of us. Especially in the world we live in. Its how you fight these moments and come out that makes you or breaks you! Keep strong girl!!!

PS i hate that you feel so much hate towards yourself. Smile. And find a reasom to love yourself and that reason will be reason enough to keep you going and love yourself and keep you strong. Dont be so hard on yourself. 😳

Edited by SiyapaaQueen - 9 years ago

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Sonali

@adventure_gurl

Sparkler

+ 3

Posted: 9 years ago

amazing note, be passionate about your true passions, keep going

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MJ1009cc

@MJ_1009

Achiever

+ 7

Posted: 9 years ago

very well written yaara! really touched! remember to pursue what you love and are passionate about <3

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teddyyy

@teddyyy

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

All I want to say is, you've shown us how brave you are already. You're in a really sensitive state of mind right now and you had the courage to share your feelings with all of us here in the forum. And so I know, we all know, that you'll find your way out of this dark place. I just want you to know that you're already on your way out. You know you are worth more and this little statement will take you a long way. Just don't give up, keep doing what makes you happy and I'm glad that Twinj is a part of that. Focus on the little things, find something that isn't a duty or a responsibility, and make it your happiness. And don't for a second think any of us hates you or is mad at you or anything like that. You have spread no negativity here and don't hate yourself for something you haven't done. As for that incident, you're absolutely right that when something is put out in a public space, you as the writer are responsible for the reactions and effects you garner because so many different people interpret it in so many different ways; and that's why I commend you for being able to share this with us. See, another proof that you don't spread negativity here, this was so powerful of you to do, that I know many of us are touched and appreciate you for being able to do so.

And remember, you have a lot of people here who love you. Anytime you need to vent or need a reason to smile, message me (:

*sending a big bear hug your way*

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_Ridz_

@_Ridz_

Sparkler

+ 4

Posted: 9 years ago

Gurleen i totally understand where you are coming from.. All of us at some point of life have experienced hopelessness and disappointment .. When we just cannot do anything and feel so empty.. But i would say it's just a phase.. It will pass.. The only constant thing in life is that it changes with time... You are a brave girl because not everybody can vent thier feelings out here in such a beautiful way... You have done it and a we are proud of you for that.. People will judge you for whatever do so just stop caring about it.. Spend some time with your loved ones.. Do whatever you love.. And we are all just a PM away.. Be strong babes🤗

Edited by _Ridz_ - 9 years ago

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fangirl1012

@fangirl1012

Dazzler

Posted: 9 years ago

Omg girl are you at U of T like University of Toronto?? I am legit in the same head space as you are in. I completely understand what you are going through. University is just so much pressure sometimes and I even I feel like I am crashing. I had the worst semester of my life and I didn't perform as well as I am capable of. Like I was a straight A student. At one point it just gets to you the loans you have to repay. your grades and your parent's expectations. I also felt like I needed a break so I am taking some time of. I have left University in the middle of second year and I plan to just go back home to Pakistan and start fresh there. What you need to realize s that you are important if everything is taking such a toll on you take a break maybe this isn't for you and if you have to continue remember that this too shall pass. Trust me things will get better just have faith and try to do your best. I know it is easier said then done but listen to your heart listen to what it wants you to do. If you think taking a break is good for you take one talk to people like your family college registrars, program advisers. There is a lot of help in campus ask your self every day what your goal is. If whatever major you are enrolled is something you always wanted to do or enjoy doing then keep on working hard. In my case I hated my major fresh out of high school I naively decided to go to business school without any prior knowledge of accounting or finance. So naturally I didn't do too well. I wanted to do law but I did not go to law school. Trust me you are not alone in life we all make mistakes and bad decisions but as long as we are alive we can fix them. You are not a waste of space you are a normal breathing human being. You are talented enough to be in U of T getting admission in this university is no small feat. You are here because you are good enough always remember that. Also stop comparing yourself to people in university you feel like everyone else has there life figured out but trust me most of them don't. Everyone is struggling and fighting their own demons. Perspective makes a lot of difference you can get up every day and smile and be thankful to God even when you are feeling low or you can be angry or cry at your situation. Anger and tears do not solve anything they just create more problems try to smile. Ask yourself if your friend was going through this how you would try to help her. Our problem is that we our often our own worst critics. Something bad happens and we feel completely lost. Look back at what you have achieved in life to get this far and then take a deep breath and go on just a lit bit further. The future may seem bleak now mine does I have to go back and face everyone. I was the star student in my high school now I will probably graduate a year later then everyone. My phupo is going to have a lot of fun roasting me and my abilities but honestly I don't care. All these people judge you anyways you should only care about what you think and what your parents think. Talk to your parents I delayed talking to them but trust me just talk to them . They are the only people who truly care about you. In the end remember its your life and your choice. Everyone's future is uncertain the guy who might be getting a 4.0 right now might not get his dream job or live to see another day. Have faith that somehow things will be alright try your hardest and leave the rest to God he will take care of the rest. I know it is really hard right now but stand in the mirror and look at yourself and tell yourself that you are important. That you are not a waste of space let loose a little dance, have ice cream watch your favorite show. Do whatever makes you happy or something you always wanted to do but never had the time. Relax you are young you still have your entire life ahead of you. As Stephen Hawking said,

" There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope"

So don't ever loose hope that is the one thing that makes this life easier to handle.

OMG I never realized that I will write so much. Pm me if you ever want to talk. Love you to bits. Take care of yourself😊

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Supernatural_10

@Supernatural_10

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

Gurleen ur very strong you will get past this you will have good days and bad days don't worry regards to education u came this far due to your hardwork and dedication don't give up everything will be fine be positive i know u can do it.

If is like a stress buster whenever ut free do come if you ever want to talk I'm only a pm away big bear hugs

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Anupama

@prem_diwani

Rocker

Posted: 9 years ago

Gurleen , agree with what the ladies above have said. The time and space you are in has raised these pressures. But it changes and different priorities and pressure replace it. Its a cycle and as you said a vicious one. SO short of winning the lottery (with a new set of problems) where you don't have to worry about the roof over your head or where your next meal comes from, its a cycle everyone is in for basic survival. Now its school, then its career, then family, then retirement. Yes, there is no getting off it. But how you handle it is what will get you out of this frame of mind. You will find your happiness as you go along that road and that is a surety.

Maybe a break of a semester is the thing. I recollect in my master program here, I once foolishly took on 4 IT courses. I literally knocked myself out keeping it together and getting high grades. Lesson learned. I graduated a term late but sanity intact. So at times its ok to take that step back. Things will happen a little later. SO what?? If its what people will say that stops you ... I follow a "they are not in my shoes " mantra...

So chin up... rethink if that what you are doing is what you makes you happy.

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Sherni_Jerry

@Sherni_Jerry

Sparkler

+ 2

Posted: 9 years ago

#10

i am myself in such a bad position to say anything 😭 i love u gur

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