Personal experience with dowry

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Nach_Baliye

@Nach_Baliye

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

I got married 10 years back, it was arranged. My husband was in the US, I was in India, the match happened through mutual contacts and we agreed to get married. Initially my in-laws said that there would be no dowry, and I would need to study further in the US since I would need to work, which I planned to do anyway since I am VERY career-oriented.

When we were getting closer to the marriage, my in-laws started asking for dowry and directing what my parents should give. They didn't have outrageous demands like a car, but they had demands nevertheless. Anytime there was a chance that my parents had savings, they said oh you will save Rs. x why not instead spend it here. My parents didn't tell me since they knew how hot-headed I was. I found out about this and told my then-fiance, who said there is just a misunderstanding between our parents and we should work together on removing it. Turns out his parents had already fed him some story, that went like this. His father was "concerned" that my parents would send me in just one dress, so they wanted my parents to give dowry for my benefit that I could take with me. I told my husband very frankly that my parents care way more about me than his parents, so his father's claim was ridiculous. My husband anyway took a step back because he couldn't influence his parents so didn't say anything anymore. I was furious with my parents, and my parents said they would give only per custom and nothing more. My SIL and I got married the same day, so till dowry time they kept telling her parents that my parents are giving x so they should give more than that, they did the same with my parents. Both our parents didn't fall for it.

I got married. The very next day after, in the morning I overheard my MIL bitching to her relatives about my parents. I was shocked and very upset. I didn't wake up my husband or say anything, I was unsure what to do. She then called me in the kitchen asking me to ask my mother what all they gave. Anyway, my parents are very smart. They had actually given a list of all things to them in case anything was misplaced. Turns out my careless MIL had misplaced the money that was given to her, they finally found it. But by then she had bitched about my parents to her whole family. Wonderful welcome I must say.

The next day my MIL's MIL and a few other women came over. My SIL was married the same day. We both had to bring out our suitcases and open everything up for everyone's approval. My MIL passed comments for my SIL like "that set costs Rs. x lakhs, doesn't look like it". For me it was "why didn't your mother give shiny heavy clothes? The wedding sari costs Rs. x, doesn't look like it". Which was strange because she herself said that since I would go to the US, no point in buying heavy clothes, and she herself had sewed cheap clothes for us. Her MIL though liked everything and said my parents followed customs well. I was very embarrassed, and stole glances at my SIL's stuff hoping that my stuff was better because I didn't want anyone to say anything bad about my parents. I hated going through that, it felt as though it was a test for my parents to see if I was worthy of being there. I hated it.

After that when I came to the US, my FIL had a problem with my husband spending money on my education. He told my husband to let me take a loan in my own name. My hubby didn't tell me but didn't listen to my FIL. I found out later and was upset because my FIL took a lot of money from my husband, but I am his wife and 50% is rightfully mine, yet they tried to instill such thoughts between my husband and I. This was just the beginning of problems. I will never forget the things my MIL and FIL said.

As a woman, this was my first entry into an unknown house with unknown people. In-laws should respect that and try to get to know their DIL. Since my MIL started the very next day without even knowing me or my parents, it was very difficult to adjust. She said things like "your mother has no sense". Today I am not on talking base with her, and I am so happy that I live far away and I don't have to deal with her or my FIL. My FIL wanted a share in his own mother's property, his mother refused because she didn't live with them, she lived with her daughter and wanted to give it to her rightfully so. They are both greedy people, I am really glad my husband is not like that. He is very money-minded, but I am too independent and he knows that, and doesn't curb my expenses. It helps that I earn well.

My in-laws are well educated - doctor and engineer. My husband has studied in the best schools in India and US. Yet this is my experience. I can only imagine what others go through in India.

Edited by Nach_Baliye - 13 years ago

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Frequent Posters

Rich`

@cs-07

Dazzler

Posted: 13 years ago

i wont like ur post cause f the obvious :)
but am so glad that u r happy now and i suppose thats what matters

About my experience, am not married , was about to be engaged two years back,

my father called up my supposed to be MIL and asked her if she wanted anything, as in demand.
the rest of our immediate family, mom my siblings and myself were actually furious that he asked.. though the MIL did mention, that everything which is supposed to be given etc. There is a custom as MILNI, where the ladki wala give clothes, gold, etc to the ladke wala and i think thats load of bullshit. What are the ladke wale doing that they shud be presented with gold and gifts. they dont do an ehsaan by gettin their son married to another family's girl. then why!? Do enlighten if someone knows about the logic. and about my father's reason.. he said he didnt want his daughters to go empty handed to their sasuraal. 🥱

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undisclosed

@undisclosed

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 13 years ago

thanks so much for sharing...i can't even imagine what you went through...its scary enough for me to think of marrying someone period...it must have been very hard for you...i am always interested in knowing different customs and ways of doing things and i must say that the way marriages take place in the east are quite interesting...i wish you loads of happiness in your marriage...congratulations for making 10 years!

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Shefali

@shefali1018

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

I had similar experience with my previous marriage, they start asking for stuff when it gets closer to wedding, my parents did everything, 3 yrs i stayed in india every year my x-husband will come to visit me , my parents provided with tickets and spending expenses...after i came to us... he wanted to buy house asked for down payment from my dad, asking money from my brother and sisters... even after divorce he is asking for small expenses...

Today guys parents are selling him to get anything and everything...

be aware... also people who is asking for furniture, car.. etx how they will living before...

they are begars who wear's good clothes... be careful girls...

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Nach_Baliye

@Nach_Baliye

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

Honestly because my husband and his brother were not greedy, their parents could not make more demands. I was disappointed that my husband would not stand up to them, his response was that his parents had expectations that he could do nothing about. It was such an easy way out.

Every Indian marriage I attend its all about how much the woman's side spent and gave. In fact, it has gotten worse over time. At my husband's cousin's marriage, the woman's parents spent so much and managed everything, my MIL kept saying that "the girl will have a lot of power over her in-laws due to money". Nowadays women should receive dowry. They are well-educated and continue earning after marriage, so they are taking money away from parents and bringing in to in-laws' regardless, in-laws should pay for that salary increase.

It disgusts me how greedy men's parents are in India. They don't act like parents at all.

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642126

Hibernated

Posted: 13 years ago

Thanks for sharing your personal experiences ladies! And God bless you with fortitude to deal with everything.

Dowry is pretty much there and members of groom's family behave as if they are doing some great favour by marrying their boy to the girl! Even I have an uncle who literally looted his DIL's family and continues to fleece them for money till date!🤢 Even if there is a function in my bhabhi's family, my uncle expects her family to shower him with expensive gifts as he is samdhi and ladkewala!😡

From big things like car, expensive gold and diamond jewelry to littlest things like utensils in kitchen - they have taken everything to set up his son's new home from my bhabhi's family!

And themselves they gave cheap quality clothes and gifts to my bhabhi and her relatives! They never like to spend a penny themselves!

My brother is in the army and frequently keeps getting transferred as per duty. But my uncle and aunt do not let my bhabhi go and stay with my brother as they want her to stay with them and handle all household chores and tend to their orders! They told my brother point blank that they would not allow his wife to come and stay with him! Imagine!

My bhabhi only stays because she loves my brother a lot and finds him a good husband. About the rest of it, she's been told (as usual) to accept things as her fate and destiny!🤢

Edited by annika20 - 13 years ago

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Purva

@-Purva-

Dazzler

+ 5

Posted: 13 years ago

I'm glad that you are sharing your experiences here. They must've been extremely traumatic and painful I can understand. I would like to share the story of my friend here.

She and I had literally grown up together - same school, same college, we even did our Master's together. A brilliant girl and I used to really look up to her - she was my ideal for what a perfect woman should be.

When she got married, the harassment started even before the "Vidaai". Right in the marriage hall, her MIL made her stand and made a list of every bit of jewelry she was wearing, in front of all the guests. I was livid at that time and wanted to call the cops but was held back by her mother and brother.

After a few months she went with her husband to US. On the day she landed, her husband raised his hand for the first time because she asked for shampoo. Till then he had supported her against his parents, which is why she'd decided to emigrate. Anyway he gave her a dog soap to bathe and use as shampoo because her father was not paying for it.

What followed was two years of mental and physical torture and for quite sometime I lost touch with her. By this time she had nearly lost her mind, she would sit against the wall and keep beating her head on it for hours on end.

We got in touch with a women's group based in US and a lawyer who went to her house and forcibly took her out of that hell-hole. When she reached India, it took a lot of time and effort to get her normalized and help her find a job. A case of divorce was filed as well as torture and harassment, and her husband stood to lose out on his green card application. He came suing for peace and begging forgiveness.

This time the girl was asked to give her husband a chance by her brother. She took his advice and went back to her husband's house (in India only, but a different city). A week later I called up her mother to find out how she was doing to find out that her FIL had taken out a huge Life Insurance Policy in her name in the interim. I immediately, without consulting anyone went and filed an FIR against them in our local Police Station.

My friend came back a week later only to fight with me because her in-laws had become laughing stock of the entire society because of my action. Her mother was like because of this now they can't ill-treat you either in India or US because there is a case against them in both countries.

To cut a long story short, she is now still living with her husband and has two sons. One of the conditions of her reconciliation was that she should break all contact with me and she agreed to it. She got in touch with me briefly 5 years ago to let me know that her husband finally admitted that for the first 2 years after their reconciliation he had behaved himself only because he was afraid of the cases against him. That period also helped him to appreciate my friend for the wonderful she was and realize how much he had wronged her.

I lost my best friend, but am glad that she found her happiness.

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Nach_Baliye

@Nach_Baliye

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

Chitrashi, that is so sad to hear. I think parents condition women in India to tolerate ill-treatment handed out to them. Which is why your friend tolerated so much. Marriage is about joining two hearts, its about companionship and love, so two people can grow old together and be best of friends. I say your friend lost more than you in losing the friendship.

Let me share a bit more about my life. There was domestic violence in my life too. My husband is an over-achiever and could not stand that his relationship with me was not working out, his ego took a big blow and he blamed me for everything. I was very suicidal. I didn't tell my parents because I kept thinking how hurt they would be, I was financially dependent on my husband, and I didn't want to depend on my parents. I thought things would get better, they didn't. Once day my husband told his parents everything, and I mine.

Here is what happened. His parents blamed me for provoking him. They called me mad. They called their relatives in US and asked them to take me to their home away from my hubby. I refused. They then told my husband to leave and stay in a hotel till I left for India. I was disgusted. I called my MIL and told her how her son beat me, she said "you provoked him, you need to come back to India", I told her that is not her decision to make.

My parents were devastated. Seeing all this my parents called my MIL's MIL and told her everything. She and her daughters started calling my MIL asking her to behave, my MIL told them not to interfere.

I returned to India and was depressed. My husband apologized afterwards and he agreed to go to counseling. My in-laws though kept instigating him and telling him how I had defamed him in front of their relatives, my husband was influenced by them.

Finally, my husband and I were sick of this. It was 2 months of our parents arguing. His parents wanted to manage things themselves and not involve my husband, my parents took a stand that without my husband nothing could get resolved. Finally I booked a ticket and returned to the US.

My husband has not laid a finger on me since. When he first did previously, I called cops twice and he was scared. His parents were terrified that I would send cops to their house, so spread lies about me. They did so many many things that will fill a book if I write in it, just to cause problems between us. It is ridiculous. Parents should want their children to be happy!

I will never ever forgive or forget what my in-laws did. I don't talk to them or visit them without my husband. Now I don't hesitate in showing them their place. They used small things to try and cause friction between my husband and I, he doesn't get as influenced now. My SIL had a similar experience with them, no domestic violence though.

I decided not to be financial dependent. I worked hard to find a decent job, and am still working and earning well. I also have my own separate bank account for my security.

Till today my MIL weeps crocodile tears about how she has no support system and her DILs don't like her, yet she will not stop bad mouthing her DILs wherever she goes.

Marriage is over-rated sometimes. I will never put my kids through arranged marriage. This happens in love marriage too, but I want my children to have a live-in relationship before marriage so they know exactly what they are getting into.

Edited by Nach_Baliye - 13 years ago

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ethereal..

@ethereal..

Navigator

Posted: 13 years ago

Well, i would like to share something interesting...
I usually visit my grandparents during vacations(may-june).. and we keep getting wedding invitations...
I attend most of them as i enjoy the whole drama(in my view) and love 'gol-gappe'..
In one of those weddings, i got to see the 'varmaala' ceremony...i was excited as it was a never-before experience, but it turned out to be the most memorable one!
Everything was going well, but something somehow went wrong...the groom refused to accept the 'maala' from bride till her parents gifted him a car- then and there! Ladki walas tried to convince him but that joker started shouting ,"car doge tabhi tumhari ladki se shadi karunga!"
girl's father almost agreed but the girl came forward and SLAPPED the groom real hard!..he almost lost his balance n his 'sehra' flew out of his head! (this happened in front of all the guests AND was captured/recorded by all the cameras)
I burst out laughing(i could see the other guests giggling) n was dragged out of the scene by my cousin...
But now comes the important part-
i thought that the groom wont marry her after this insult, but i was wrong...
upon receiving that thappad prasad, his 'car loonga' disease vanished miraculously!... And now they are leading a happy married life! I don't know if this treatment would work everytime, but still, it's not that bad!

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undisclosed

@undisclosed

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 13 years ago

#10

there is no guarantee in any relationship...is what i have learned...your stories raise a lot of questions for me...how did this whole dowry system start?...why do the girls accept to be married with people they don't know?...and do they even really have a say?...why are the in laws so involved in the couples' life after marriage?...why does the girl's family have to support the hubby's family for the rest of their lives?...what is honor?...why does a gilr have to get married if she doesn't want to?...i can go and on...i hope you all are willingto stop the cycle...it starts with you and what you teach your little ones...some traditions/customs are better left in the past and not made to live on forever...let us read about it in the history books...and not in the news papers...

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